Cure for Loneliness
by immortalpen
Summary: She's an outcast, he's is the boy with everything, and all the more lonely and angry because of it. Together Rey and Ben find the cure for loneliness. But when they are broken apart, how will they react to each other reunited as adults. Can Rey reconcile the stranger called Kylo Ren with her memories of the boy called Ben, and what will Kylo do to keep her. HighschoolAU/BDSM themes
1. In the Land of Gods and Monsters

**Hello!**

 **My first attempt at a Reylo fic... I haven't been writing much lately, but this pairing has consumed me after TLJ and I thought I'd try something new and see if I can get going again.**

 **For my Klaroline readers, I promise none of my other stories are abandoned, they will be finished, and soon. Night Garden new chapter is almost ready.**

 **This will be a dark fic, with plenty of angst and drama, so fair warning if that isn't your thing.**

 **This is a completely new fandom for me... Hello nice to meet you! I hope you enjoy my little contribution.**

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The cafeteria was deafeningly noisy, and crowded. Rey wove her way through half pushed out chairs, stepped over bags and avoided elbows as she searched for a seat. Her eye alighted on a free space, and she went for it, her skinny body shooting between the gap of two others both converging on it at once. She sat down and stretched her arms over the polished wood, baring her teeth at the two other students who stood regarding her with distain. To make them shove off faster, she added a little snarl.

The students exchanged looks, hardly flattering, before giving up, and Rey settled herself back happily. Fishing out a brown bag from her backpack, she plopped it on the table, and opened it. Ignoring the, at times covert, other times blatant, stares she received, her modest brown lunch bag a far cry from the trays surrounding her, holding sushi, pasta and gourmet salads, all freshly made by the school's personal chef team, she pulled out her PBJ and smiled.

As she chewed, she looked around in interest. The solarium above was light and airy, high ceilings reaching up in to the blue skies. There were fresh flowers, and even a tree growing in the middle of the space, not that the other students who were deep in their vapid conversations seemed to notice.

Of course, she wasn't like other students. She was the resident charity case, the niece of the long serving janitor who had caught the eye of a human interest piece when his estranged sister had turned up dead in a bedsit, and she hadn't been alone. Rey herself had called the police from the payphone on the corner, and then went back to wait with her. She hadn't been scared of the police getting her, she'd had nowhere else to go. As far as fairy tales go, she supposed she'd been lucky.

Rescued from a life of darkness and fear for a sudden uncle figure and a school that only the top elite of the city attended. Once attention gathered from the media, some plucky reporter uncovering the link between her and her uncle, and his link to the school, practically anything about St Augustines was gold as far as paper sales were concerned. The school had stepped in and offered her free education, in recognition of her uncle's long service, and of course, unspokenly, because of her horrendous past. Charity and pity seemed to stop at the administration level however. The other students at St. Augustines hadn't been very happy to have their elite little bubble burst by a homeless, penniless and wild little urchin, who seemed to watch people too closely, laugh at all the wrong times, and generally make a nuisance of herself.

The students at the table next to her stood up to go and refill their drink, and Rey, drawn as always to opportunity noticed the open bag left on the floor by her foot. Her fingers itched as she casually glanced down, her eyes scanning over the contents.

Her other hand, holding her sandwich made the tiniest movement, one you wouldn't have seen if you'd not been watching very closely, and sent her apple rolling to the ground at the same time as she exclaimed and leaned forward, her half shrugged off backpack falling to the side. Once she was floor level, she was quick, her fingers deftly reaching for her chosen treasure, quickly into the backpack and then she was leaning back up, brandishing her falling apple. She looked around, and met anyones look who'd happened to glance over. It was important to brazen it out, she knew that better than anyone. Eyes could give you away, or acting too guilty. Smiling with satisfaction, she bit into her apple, a sweet jet of juice filling her mouth and leaking down the side, and chewed with determination. As she did, she began to feel aware of another pair of eyes, warming the side of her face. Refusing to be intimidated, she turned her head around and met them full on.

Her eyes were full of challenge, ready to fight, to scrap and claw, no matter who watched her. His were altogether different. They held silent amusement, perhaps even enjoyment and appreciation at her gall. She ran her eyes over him, as he watched her, placing him to be older than her, and vaguely familiar.

His dark hair was almost black, and he wore it long, too long, she thought critically. He looked tall, even sitting, though the rest of his body didn't seem to have caught up. His shoulders were wide, his limbs a long and gangly mess, elbows and knees and an adam's apple that stuck out a mile. His face wasn't bad, but not really great either, she thought critically. It was too sharp and too soft all at once. Sharp cheek bones and jaw, with a puffy soft mouth, and a too long nose. Winged brows fleeing across expressive eyes, a dash of black against the paleness of his skin. Dotted with beauty spots and a rash of acne on his chin, which was also sporting the dark shadow of stubble, too dark through that translucent skin. He was a man boy in an expanding body, stuck between everywhere and nowhere. Hit fitted school shirt billowed on his reed thin body and then she noticed his ears. Jutting out at an awkward angle, they were hard to ignore, she thought uncharitably.

His eyes were concealed, behind thick glasses, light reflecting off the lenses, hiding his expression if the overhead lights caught him in a particular way. All she could make out was his generous mouth, and the way the full lips seemed naturally to turn down. At her scrutiny one of the corners tugged upwards, for a brief flashing moment, before he was pushing up from the table in front of him and she felt his gaze turn away.

It seemed he had noticed her light slight of hand, but didn't seem about to tell anyone, which suited her fine. She turned back around and glanced down at her left over lunch, a half eaten apple and a smear of peanut butter on the cellophane of her sandwich. Biting off a piece of apple, she took it carefully in her fingers and scooped up the left over peanut butter, popping it in her mouth and enjoying the sweet and salty contrast. Beside her she heard a retching sound and slid her eyes to caught a female student, lustrous locks no doubt washed by the most expensive shampoos, petal like skin only touched by the most expensive moisturiser sticking her fingers down her throat to emit the vomiting sound, she broke off and the group of clones around the table all laughed at her joke.

"That was truly disgusting, are you some kind of scavenger stray? Licking scraps from the floor?" the girl addressed her, her beautiful face frozen in an ugly sneer. Rey shrugged, refusing to let her cheeks redden from the attention they were attracting.

The girl however, was clearly not finished. Reaching over with her salad fork, she dropped a cherry tomato onto the floor by Rey's foot.

"Here you go doggie, a treat for you" she said maliciously, and leaned back, basking in the shocked laughter of her friends as they watch Rey's reaction. Rey locked gazes with the girl, and held her blue eyes in hers. She watched as the girl's bravado started to slip away under the long scrutiny. She held it longer still, tilting her head, inquisitive like a sparrow, inspecting a worm caught under its foot. She saw finally a bloom of red blossom in the other girl's cheeks. She was young, probably 16, the same year as Rey. The other student's eyes darted to the side, growing aware of the swelling silence. Finally, her eyes dropped in defeat as she crossed her arms over her chest and shrugged irritably.

"Whatever freak" she said as she turned back to her friends, the earlier atmosphere lost. Rey stood up, balling her cellophane and brown bag in a ball in her hand and hoisted her bag on her shoulder. Stepping between the tables, her eyes still fixed on the lowered head of the bully below her, she shouldered past and walked away. She felt a momentary tug at her throat, now the confrontational atmosphere had passed but kept her head up, sailing through the crowd like a queen leaving her throne room.

* * *

Her favourite thing about the school was it's location. Although it was technically in the city, it bordered a massive woodland on its outskirts, and Rey loved to wander in the trees. The outdoors smelled fresh and clean here, unlike the refuse and urine stained concrete deserts of her childhood. She was able to walk the fresh dirt paths, lightly compacted from wear dusted with a coating of needles and if she found a good spot, climb up to the higher branches of the magnificent old trees that graced the forest. She was usually alone there, just as she preferred, and could wile away many an hour out in the open air, her school books forgotten at the bottom, staring out into the leaves and letting her mind wander.

Today however, she realised as she settled into her usual perch high up amid the leaves of a giant beech tree, she was not alone. She heard the faint drift of voices approaching her and shifted in her seat to get a better look. She wasn't shy about eavesdropping, sneaking around undetected. Nothing in her previous life had ever taught her it was wrong, and in fact it had turned out to be useful on occasion. She glimpsed legs coming toward her, a girls, slim, in the uniform skirt, through a lot shorter than Rey's was. The girl stood into the clearing under the tree first, and spun around, her liquid gold hair spilling over her shoulders with such precision it could only be a practised move. She stood with her arms crossed her chest, her expensive loafers tapping with impatience. Slowly, another set of legs, then a head appeared. A guy, in less of a hurry, judging by his causal stroll, hands in the pockets and nonchalent air. As he stopped below, black hair standing out against the shadows of the trees, Rey realised it was the same too long hair from earlier, the older student from the cafeteria. He leant against the trunk of the tree while the blonde girl paced in front of him. They seemed an unusual pair, Rey thought, moving closer to try and hear better. She carefully slid onto the next branch down and was rewarded when the blondes voice drifted to her clearly.

"With the ski trip, and then St Barts, it's just not enough. And I'll need new clothes, if I don't have a new wardrobe what will everyone think?" she demanded.

"That clothes perhaps aren't the be all and end all?" he asked blankly, and she sensed a coldness coming from him. The girl looked furious at his answer, and then seemed to reign herself in, stepped closer she touched his arm lightly.

"Ben, you know what I mean…"

"Why don't you use your reputation and sway to change how people think? Stand out from the herd, be an original" he suggested further, his disdainful tone implying that she was anything but.

"Please, I am not some ugly spinster, I'll hardy have to rely on my personality to find myself a good match or remain on the shelf. You know this is important to me" she softened her tone again, before stepping forward closer and brushing her hand over his cheek, as he watched her, unmoved. Rey watched in confusion. They hardly seemed a couple, his disapproval of her was evident, as was her superior looks and social standing. They didn't even seem to be friends strangely.

"It's not like you don't extract your pound of flesh" the blonde's words were so quiet as to be almost inaudible as she put her mouth to his ear and nibbled it. He remained unmoving, arms crossed over his chest.

"Are you suggesting we renegotiate the terms of our agreement?" he asked, in a voice of stone. The blonde sighed and stepped back.

"Fine, I want my allowance increased. And in return, you can have…" she trailed off, thinking furiously. He watched her, his head to the side.

"Do you seriously want me to believe you didn't come to this discussion with your terms already decided. Just spit it out Eliza." He said quietly, watching as a red flush mottled the girls pale throat.

"3 months. Every 3 months" she finally said, her eyes raised meekly to his, with a submission there, and a hint of something else, a want, a desire, subconscious enough the girl no doubt had any idea it was there at all.

"2" He countered.

"Fine, 2" she agreed quickly, and Rey watched as the girl permitted herself a small triumphant smile as she turned to go.

"When will the money be there?" she asked over her shoulder.

"Don't worry yourself. I'm good for it." He replied, his head tilted downwards in thought as the blonde moved quickly out of eyeshot. He didn't move however, just continued his contemplation of the forest floor, as Rey shifted uncomfortably above.

"You can come down now" he said suddenly into the silence. Rey froze, her heart rate racketing up a few notches. And if she were in any doubt of who he was talking to, it was soon put aside as he looked directly up it the tree and her.

Exposed and uncomfortable she started down, slipping lithely from branch to branch before landing just before him, pulling her skirt back into place and her shirt down over her tummy. She pushed the escaped strands of hair from the 3 buns dotting the back from her forehead and adopted a deceptively causal pose.

"I was planning on coming down now anyway" she muttered, her cheek beginning to pinken under his long gaze. His eyes drifted over her, dishevelled uniform, bedraggled hair, her high cheeks bones and androgynous shape, narrow hipped and flat chested.

"You must be Rey, Old Jack's niece" the boy said, making no move to straighten up or introduce himself.

"Well, who are you then?" she asked, disliking how infamous she already was at the school

"I'm Ben. Ben Solo," He said quietly before glancing up into the tree.

"You're quite the climber" he remarked and she wasn't sure if it was a compliment or not.

"Climber and thief, interesting combination." He finished, and her eyes swung back to his face. She tensed to run away, starting to hate the smirk that whispered across his lips as he took in her clenched fists.

"It's nothing that those people would miss… its just garbage to them." She argued and flushed at his raised eyebrow.

"With quite the temper, I see. No need to worry, little scavanger, I won't tell anyone. I might be the only person at this school who thinks less of the miscreants who go here than you."

"Do you include yourself in that?"

"Undoubtedly." He said, with that half smile again. She let the tension release from her fists. He didn't seem about to tell on her, though exactly why he was spending time chatting with her in the woods was anyone's guess.

"Who was that girl?" she asked bluntly.

"Eliza Montgomery"

"Is she your girlfriend?"

"What do you think?" Rey shook her head slowly.

"She's the most popular girl in school, not that I'd expect you to know that yet, outcast as you are."

"I don't care what anyone here thinks about me" Rey stated hotly. He nodded quietly

"That I can see."

"So, if you're not her boyfriend then why were you meeting?"

"We have a business arrangement of a sort. We help each other out in a mutually beneficial way"

"What does she do for the money you give her?" Rey asked, unable not to cutting to the quick of what she'd seen. Her direct question seemed to take him of guard, but it didn't anger him.

"Does she sleep with you?" she continued, and flinched as his grey eyes narrowed at her.

"You ask a lot of questions" he said tightly. She shrugged.

"Is that it? Sex for money?" she pressed, folding her arms across her chest.

"What would you know about it?" he asked, arching an eyebrow at her.

"More than you'd guess, I suppose. Anyway, It's not a big deal, probably quite a normal arrangement." In her mind's eye, her mother smeared lipstick and acrid smell of stale cigarettes lingered, along with a light of triumph in her tired eyes, and the feeling of food, a full belly and deep sleep.

"Not at St Augustines" he frowned as his eyes rolled over her again.

"How old are you anyway kid?"

"I'm almost 16, and I'm not a kid." She said, standing up straighter and pushing her chin out. He inspected her then, his cool eyes assessing her defensive stance.

"Next time you want to eavesdrop on people up a tree, don't forget your books" he said, casting a glance at her backpack laying forgotten at the trunk of the beech, he turned to leave.

"See you around, kid" he said with a last half smile in her direction.

* * *

Rey unlocked the door of her uncle small caretaker's cottage, not too far from where she had met Ben in the woods. The smell of dinner greeted her, and felt a pang for a moment that she hadn't made it back before to be more helpful. The small cottage was cosy and warm, her uncle having considerably more nesting skills than her mother had had. She placed her bag in her room, by the bed and changed out her school uniform, hanging it up carefully. She only had one, unlike other students who seemed to use them disposably.

She pulled on comfortable leggings and a long t-shirt, the clothes hanging off her slender frame as always, before opening her bag and pulling out her ill-gotten gains. A hairbrush with a back of silver, if she wasn't mistaken, and she rarely was. Pulling out a concealed panel in the floor, she added it to her collection, mentally tallying up her rainy-day fund. Something losing her mother had taught her was to plan for the day when you were on your own. It'd only be a matter of time, and she didn't ever intend to be so vulnerable again. Sensing her mood spiralling downwards, she pulled her books out her bag and cracked them open. The downside of spending afternoons roaming the woods was that there was still a lot of homework to do, the upside of not having any friends was she had a good long while at night to do it. She had a lot of catching up to do, another poorly anticipated result of the schools offer. Her attendance had been spotty at best at her school in the city, and her mom hadn't been much for making her go. In fact, if she was free, she often persuaded Rey to stay at home with her, and they would go on one of her crazy adventures. A hard lump of sadness pressed down in her throat as she thought of her, her red lipstick and skinny jeans, charging along in front of her, making the dirty sidewalk seem like a yellow brick road in Oz, and every random weirdo they passed a charming village character. Those were the good times, and she would always cherish them.

Pulling out an art book, she opened the pages, and felt the memories of her mother increase ten fold, a stream became a river as she looked at the canvases. Those had been the most special of the adventure days. Days they would catch the train to the museums, and spend a whole day wandering around the bight, air-conditioned building, while her mom told her stories of the people in the pictures. And it seemed her legacy had lasted, as Rey loved art. In the art class, all the street cool and fierce nonchalance fell away, and she was a little girl standing beside her mother, gazing at the purest form of beauty she could imagine.

From the kitchen, she heard the sound of cutlery clanking and reluctantly shut the book. Time for dinner and more awkward getting to know you chats.

* * *

 **Comments are love. Let me know what you think!**


	2. All of the ghouls come out to play

The next day at school Rey suffered through gym, her least favourite subject. It was hard to avoid the other girls in the changing room, and she hated taking her clothes off in front of them. She was the same age, but just a late bloomer, or the results of going too long with chips and twinkies as her only nutrition, her body still hadn't gotten the message that she was 16 now.

She lingered over her tattered gym bag, letting the other girls dress and go out, flashy and confident in their designer sports wear. Alone at last, she quickly pulled off her uniform and pulled on her gym kit. There was no set clothes for gym, making it the most hotly contested fashion show at school. Rey was sure she was not in the running, with her uncle's old boxing t-shirt on, and shorts that were at least two sizes too small.

She shoved her feet into sneakers and went out, lowering her head against the teacher's impatient look, and took a seat on the gym floor, behind all the other girls. She could see a boys class taking place at the bottom end of the gym. The teacher started droning on about elective sports, and Rey found herself recognising a familiar head. Ben stood, his face the study of boredom. They were playing basketball, and he was standing on the outskirts of the court, hardly seeming to pay attention. He looked uncomfortable, downed in a a baggy t-shirt, making his skinny neck rise up like a delicate stalk. He hunched over, uncomfortable with his height, his spine curved over, long arms dangling, the picture of athleticism he was not. He met her eyes across the space, and the only sight of recognition she got was the slightest rising of the corner of his mouth.

"Rey Nessuno, come and make your electives" the teacher called, and Rey went forward and looked at the list of classes. Most of them had a gold circle next to them.

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"It's a paid elective, your parents pay for the equipment before the course starts" the teacher explained. Rey chewed her lip as she looked down the list again. Jack hadn't said much about money since she'd arrived. But, she knew there couldn't be much left over each month. He had probably coped fine alone, but now, with a teenager kid and an expensive new school, she didn't need to see the coupons he'd been clipping to feel guilty. She felt guilty enough already.

"I'll take swimming and self-defence" she said, quickly finding two of the only subjects that didn't need equipment. The teacher noted it down.

"They're both mixed classes" the teacher said, raising an eyebrow at Rey, who simply shrugged in response. So far, the girls were more annoying than the boys at this school, she thought to herself.

As she went to take her seat again, she heard a commotion break out from the other side of the hall. The girls all twisting around to see, Rey followed, seeing a fight starting, two boys standing in the middle of the court, and one was none other than Ben.

The other boy was in his face, gesturing wildly and pointing toward the ball. Ben stood his ground, the only sign he was angry was a tick in his jaw. And then, suddenly, Ben threw a punch at the other kid, who went down hard. Silence followed, and then a commotion as the teacher came over shouting. The girls all started whispering and exclaiming over the boy who had fallen, who was now sitting up and holding his nose, red blood dripping down the front of his t-shirt. But Rey only had eyes for Ben, who was walking out, ignoring the shouting teacher and the looks from his classmates. It seemed she wasn't the only deliberate loner at St Augustines.

* * *

"Hey! Watch out!" a voice called, right before Rey found a hard body smacking into hers. She looked up and met pale eyes, small and arrogant sneering down at her. She turned to walk around him, and sighed when the boy shifted with her. She looked up at him, waiting for him to do whatever it was he was planning. The hallway was emptying, the bell having rang for 5th period a few minutes ago. She had been walking and reading, an art book the teacher had lent her, and not looking where she was going.

"Sorry" she mumbled.

"Is there something wrong with you? You walked right into me" the arrogant guy said, and Rey tried once again to go around, stopping only as he slammed his arm into the locker beside her head, effectively blocking her from going around him.  
'I'm talking to you" he said, and with a cruel swipe, her book shot across the floor. She looked at it, wondered if the pages had ripped, and then squinted up into the bully's face.

"I said I was sorry, what's your problem?" she demanded. His face seemed familiar, and she quickly summoned a name. Armitage Hux, some son of an industry leader whatever, everyone was someone importants child here. Except her.

"You are. Our school doesn't need a sad sack charity case dragging us down" he said. She feinted right, and when he shifted, scurried to the left, passing him quickly, and escaping down the hall, though her pride demanded she not run.

"That goes for you and your loser uncle" his voice shouted, following her around the corner where she drew up abruptly to avoid another full body collision. Ben stopped mid step, his book bag falling forward with momentum as Rey threw her hands up to stop bumping him, and only just grazing his chest.

They stared at each other, and then, she saw Ben make to go past her.

"Wait!" she said, her hand shouting out, she grabbed his arm to stop him. He stiffened at the contact, his dark eyes staring down at her hand on his arm, his brow furrowing.

"Are you ok? What's wrong?" she asked, following his eyes to her hand. She snatched it back, grabbing the strap of her bag instead.

"I'm fine." He said shortly, and gave her a look of confusion.

"I'm Rey, we met yesterday, in the woods" she said helpfully. The ghost of a grin touched his lips.

"I recall." Rey huffed, her hand sliding up and down her strap as she fidgeted from one foot to the other.

"Are you alright? I saw the fight in the gym"

"I'm fine."

"Aren't you in trouble?" Ben just shrugged, and Rey found herself studying the way his floppy black hair waved into his eyes. He really needed a haircut.

"Not really" he admitted, and held her curious gaze.

"Are you trying to get kicked out?" she suddenly asked, fascinated by his unreadable expression.

"You ask a lot of questions" he finally said, starting to walk away, down the hall as Rey trailed behind him, watching him go.

"And you don't ask any!" she called half-heartedly.

* * *

The weeks rolled by in much the same pattern as Rey settled into school. She didn't make any friends, and eventually Jack stopped asking about that at dinner.

She did start to catch up in class, for most of her subjects, which mean she had more time for art. Her personal emergency fund kept growing, fuelled by an amazingly unobservant student body, or one so rich there was nothing they couldn't afford to replace.

She saw Eliza Montgomery again, and saw how different the social circles of her and Ben Solo were. Eliza was the darling of the school, dating a procession of jocks and trust fund kids, all with the same clean cut all American good looks. Rey realised how much of a secret it was that she even knew Ben, for he seemed to be as much a social outcast as she, though, unlike Rey, he seemed to be one through choice.

He was taciturn and non-communicative, and it was only a few days until she heard about the other part of his reputation, one for violence. Apparently, he had started and participated in quite the number of fights, one and off the sports field. He never apologised and he never backed down. It was then Rey had learned exactly why he was never expelled, and why indeed Eliza had chosen him for their indecent arrangement. His family were the biggest donors to the school, and in a student body that boasted sons of sheiks, that was an achievement. More than ever, he intrigued her. In a school of people desperately trying to prove their superiority over each at every turn, someone who sailed through, careless of other's opinions was like a beacon to Rey. Always on the unconventional side herself, she was drawn in by that self-assurance, by the independence it took to simply not care what others thought.

She soon found out how he managed to keep to himself most of the time. He spent most of his classes ensconced in advanced studies where only a small amount of students studied together in loosely structured time, with a professor on hand to help.

Jack was happy that Rey was catching up, and even attended the parents evening, to Rey's horror. How could she tell her uncle that she felt like an outsider at the school he was so proud of? That the students he looked after and cleaned up after day after day thought more of the dirt beneath their feet than him. It hurt her, seeing those looks when she walked into the school on parents evening, beside Jack, wearing the old black jacket he wore to funerals and a navy tie. She squirmed with embarrassment as they waited along with the other parents, whose handbags and clothes flashed names she only knew from the billboards she used to see around the city, when she would tag along at her restless mother's side. Her mother. She would walk into the school like she owned it, be sarcastic and rude to the other parents, sneer at the teachers, if she'd come at all, but Jack, he tried, he tried for her, and it broke her heart a little bit, that kernel of embarrassment. The cruelty of strangers, and the shame of wounded pride.

Her teachers were happy with her progress, though it as mentioned more than once that she might try to integrate more with other students, though it was never acknowledged that it might be impossible. Maths, her worst subject was predictably average, and Rey saw her uncle's face tighten with worry at the teacher's words.

"Rey must try harder to catch up, the material is moving quickly now, and if she doesn't get on top of it, I'm afraid she will fall further behind."

"What can we do?" Jack asked.

"I would suggest private tutoring" the teacher suggested, and then trailed off, as though just realising the impossibility of that.

"You could help at home, with her homework" the teacher added, and Rey felt angry at the careless words. She saw Jack's fingers tighten on the papers he held a moment, before relaxing.

"We'll work something out" he said, standing to leave. Back at the cottage, Jack asked to see Rey's homework.

"Don't worry about it, I'll work harder. Anyway, it's not like I'm planning on being a mathematician" she grumbled as she gave him the workbook.

"Maths is important, and passing your exams is important."

She had merely shrugged in return. Her uncle had turned a rare angry look at her then, and she had frozen under the weight of it.

"This opportunity, this school… it's not something to take lightly Rey. It's a gift"

"It feels more like a curse. I hate it there" she had shot back.

"I know you hate it there, do you think I can't see? But it's the best chance I've got of giving you a better life, and I'm going to do it, no matter the cost." He had said, running his hand through his thick wavy hair in frustration.

"I could just go to public school" she suggested and he had looked almost pained at her words.

"This is one of the best school in the country. With this in your background, college, jobs, everything would be easier for you. I know it's hard now, I know that, I know they don't make it easy, but if you give it up, the only person it punishes is you and they win" his voice softened.

"Don't let them win Rey. Take this chance that you've been given and wring the most of it. Make it count" he said roughly, before turning back to the Maths homework and sitting down that the wooden dining table. She had stood more a moment longer, and then slinked away and gone to bed, unwilling to see him pouring over the sums and making the guilt and ache in her heart even worse. She lay in the dark and thought about the student's disdainful looks as she had walked through the school and the terrible loneliness of being disliked by people who barely knew your name. Jack was right. If she had to endure all those things, might as well make it count, and as she lay there in the dark, watching the shadows move across the wall, she realised she had a solution.

* * *

She shifted uncomfortably in the tree, her homework done and boredom was setting in. It was the fifth day she had waited here to see Ben alone again, and she was beginning to doubt her brilliant plan. Then through the trees, a white shirt flashed, and she felt triumphant. She watched as he walked toward the tree she was hidden in, his jacket folded carelessly over a bag strap, his too long hair flopping in his eyes. She started down as quickly as she could.

Ben stopped under the tree, and reached into his bag for a pack of cigarettes. He lit it slowly and looked to her, seemingly completely unsurprised by seeing her here. Even smoking looked awkward on him.

"Hello." Rey said lamely, suddenly nervous. He took a deep draw of smoke and nodded a greeting.

"Smoking's bad for you, you know"

"So are a lot of things" he murmured, leaning back against a wide tree trunk.

"Did your parents go to parents evening?" she asked, trying to find a way to bring up her request.

"They didn't quite manage this one" he said, his tone sardonic.

"Jack went" Rey said, looking away as the tell-tale flush of embarrassment remembered tainted her cheeks.

"I'm not doing so well in Maths" she admitted, forcing herself to meet Ben's expectant gaze.

"I was thinking maybe you could tutor me" she blurted out. His eyebrows shot up for a moment, and he coughed. She had surprised him. He stubbed out the cigarette.

"Why would I do that?" he asked bluntly, his tone now amused. Rudy scuffed her old converse on the pine needles littering the floor.

"To be a nice guy?" she tried. He smirked, inviting her to try again.

"To prove to the kids at this school that they didn't win. That they couldn't break me" she said, her voice truthful, and her expression open. She couldn't know what a pitiful picture she made, with her pleading expression and large eyes, her thin cheeks, barely distinguishable as female except for her generous mouth, now downturned. Her shabby inform, second hand to begin with, and scrapped up knees, knobbles of bone on skinny legs. Ben saw it all. A little misfit like Rey was amusing enough to observe, but to get involved with?

He shook his head.

"They don't matter enough to me, and they shouldn't to you either" he said, grabbing his bag off the floor and starting for the path.

"Wait!" she touched his arm as he passed her, looking up into his hidden face, the hanging curtain of stringy hair concealing a strong jaw, pimpled with red spots and shiny nose. Puberty was not being kind to Ben Solo.

"Please. I need help, and we can't afford anyone, and I don't want to let Jack down" she said. He looked down at her small hand on his arm. He wondered when the last time was that someone had voluntarily touched him.

"I'm not a very good teacher"

"Perfect, I'm not a very good student" she replied, pleading in her eyes.

"Neither am I" he said.

"But you're really smart, I know, everyone knows." She pleaded. He looked at her impassively a moment longer, his eyes drifting back to her small hand on his arm, turning over her proposal in his head.

"Sorry little scavenger. I'm not the sort of person who can help you" he said decidedly as he turned and started away.

"What, not smart enough?" she challenged, her voice ringing with frustration.

"Not patient enough" he replied, shooting her a slight smile, before leaving. She watched him go, determination forming in her bones. She couldn't give up so easily, not when Jack was so invested. She'd just have to think of a way to persuade him, she thought, eyeing his all back disappearing from the clearing.

* * *

"Are you in trouble?" The smooth voice pulled Rey from her plans of how she was going to achieve bring Ben Solo around to her side, and she looked up to see another student, one she hadn't seen before sitting beside her chair, his book bag resting on his lap. He was surveying her with interest, his mahogany eyes warm and bright, his tentative smile more welcoming than anything she'd seen directed toward her at the school in weeks.

"I don't know. Maybe" she admitted. The boy frowned, his polished dark brow creasing with curiosity.

"You don't know? Didn't they tell you why you had to come here?" She shook her head, resting back against the wall in resignation.

The door to the office opened then, and they both looked up to find Principle Kendsho there.

"Come on in" he gestured, and they hurried to comply.

"Rey, this is Finn. He is student liaison for another school in the area, Insorto Heights. It's our sister school in the community" Kendsho explained, and Rey thought of all she knew of the public school within a few miles. It didn't have the best reputation, but where would after St. Augustines.

"We are working together on some projects to bring our schools closer, and share… the benefits we are lucky to enjoy at St Augustines with Insorto, and we want it to be student led. Student involvement, student ideas. Finn is representing Insolvo, and I thought that you Rey, might like to be St Augustines representative." He finished, and sat back, waiting for her reaction.

"Why me?"

"I thought, given your background, you might be interested in learning more about the community and other schools, other students. Similarly, I thought that you and Finn would work well together, and have a lot in common. Also, it will look great on your record" he said, with barely a flush at the assumptions. Rey quickly surmised that he couldn't get any of the rich and important students at St Augustines to agree to work with lowly public school students, never mind go to the school and couldn't entice them with school record appeal, as these students were guaranteed entry to whichever University they wished.

"What do you think?" Finn asked, and she looked over at him. He seemed nice, and normal for once, his sneakers being a brand she had actually heard of. His gaze was steady, no tricks, no sneers, his expression open, and she found herself smiling instinctively back. She nodded slowly.

"That's very good news Rey, I am pleased." Principle Kendsho said with no little relief. They started to plan their first meeting, and Rey found herself looking forward to working with Finn, and maybe even making a proper friend.

On their way out the office, Rey hung back, as Kendsho turned back to his computer.

"Sir?"

"Yes Rey?"

"I was wondering if there was a tutoring program available at school?" she asked.

"In what way?"

"Well, at my old school, you could sign up for help, from older students, volunteers" she explained, and lost hope as Kendsho's head began to shake.

"I'm afraid not, voluntary spirit has never been something valued at St Augustines. I'm sorry, I wish it was." He said, and he did sound regretful. She thought a moment,

"Maybe that's something we could help set up? Between our schools I mean, it would definitely help our profile in the community, and benefit the students who needed help" she said, watching the Principle turn it over.

"Maybe, it might be a great idea Rey, talk it out with Finn and see what you come up with" he suggested, and she smiled as she left. She was going to get help with Math one way or another.

* * *

That afternoon was her first martial arts class as her gym elective. She waited again until all the girls had changed been hurrying into her clothes and scooting out, sitting down at the furthest edge of the group.

The floor was cold under her bare thighs and she wrapped her arms around her waist, listening as the teacher talked through the syllabus. They were to try several different types of martial arts and even some self-defence, which Rey was looking forward to. The first few sessions would focus on physical fitness. As Rey listened, she became aware of a pair of eyes watching her and turning her head, caught sight of Ben Solo's dark, solemn gaze. She stared back, still stung by his refusal to help her, before the teacher bid them all to stand and run around the hall for 12 minutes. The class was small, not many other girls, and Rey wasn't surprised. There were a lot of other sports on offer, and if money was no object, they had all the choice in the world. She started jogging around alone. The pace was fairly brisk to begin with, though a few front runners soon fell back and Rey continued on. She wasn't tired, she was fit and ran a lot, she could tell that a lot of the kids in class weren't very active, maybe just preferring the idea of being able to do cool kung fu moves. She felt a presence coming up to her side. She knew it was Ben because of the radiating stillness, an aura of unapproachability he seemed to surround himself with. She ran on and ignored him.

"Still sore about the tutoring?" he remarked, sounding as unbothered by the run as she was.

"No. I've already come up with another solution, no thanks to you. Why are you in this class? Aren't you a senior?" she asked.

"It was the only option given my schedule. That's a shame about the tutoring" he said, and she almost stopped.

"Why? Did you change your mind?" she asked hopefully, turning to glimpse a small grin playing around his full lips.

"Of course not, I just wanted to hear you beg some more" he said, and she couldn't resist sticking her toe out a second to trip him. He easily jumped it and kept running, a sound coming from him that was almost a laugh. She scowled.

"You're the worst"

"I thought you'd already handled it?" he continued, and that teasing grin was back. She wasn't sure what had gotten into him today but it irked her.

"I have… maybe you're not the only one who can make secret arrangements to get what they want" she said, and Ben dropped back, almost stopping running for a moment, before sprinting faster to catch back up.

"Rey, that's not funny, you're just a kid" he said, and she could see all pretence of kidding was gone. She snorted, annoyed by his condescension.

"You don't know me Solo, and you didn't want to help, so it's not your business anymore" she fumed and pulled away, working up to an easy sprint. His assuming she'd do whatever it is that Eliza does with him to get what she wants sent her into a spiralling rage. She didn't know what exactly the details of their arrangement were, but she was sure it wasn't ever the kind of thing she would do, and the fact that Ben so easily thought she would was galling.

Their interaction seemed to have made an impact on him too, as she found him waiting for her outside the locker room. His hair damp from the showers, pushed back behind his too large ears, he looked like he wished the ground would swallow him up. She stepped out the door, and upon seeing him, pivoted on her heel to go around him. He pushed off the wall and approached her.

"Rey. I shouldn't have said that – should have assumed you'd…"

"Be a whore?" Rey said, and saw him flinch.

"That's not what I meant. I don't think Eliza is a whore, I'd never call her that. She's desperate and alone… we give each other something we need" he said.

"Sex and money" Rey stated and watched a red flush tint Ben's cheeks.

"How old are you anyway kid? You make me blush" he asked, a half smile tugging his lips. She shrugged in response, her face hard.

"So, what do you want?" she asked after a long moment of silence.

"I wanted to say I didn't mean to upset you. I'm not… good at interacting with people all the time. I find it hard, to understand people, what will upset them" he ground out, looking uncomfortable.

"In case you haven't noticed, I don't really fit in here" he said, running a large bony hand through his hair.

"And I do?" she snorted, crossing her arms over her chest.

"No, you stick out like a sore thumb" he said with a shadow of a grin.

"Well, don't be so pleased about it" she muttered as she moved around him to get to her next class.

* * *

Armitage Hux.

Rey became aware of a growing animosity toward her in the halls, and she was pretty sure it was coming from one boy in particular. The very one that had knocked her things out her hands in the hall, and she had finally learned his name. She had been hiding in a stall waiting for the other girls to finish straightening their hair applying lip gloss after swimming when she'd heard some girls talking about him. Pale and read haired with that icy expression, apparently it took more that a bad personality to put these girls off, as they were intrigued by his cruel, bad boy looks. Rey knew better. That cruel superiority and vicious smirk were just signs that he was more interested in abusing and tormenting that romancing, she'd seen the same look on her mother's boyfriends. All so very similar in looks and attitude she'd be hard pressed to summon an actual face to mind, but the cruelty, the predatory gleam they had shared, that she would never forget. She tried her best to steer clear of him, avoid his eyes, or his insults and she managed well. She was used to disappearing, used to avoiding curious gazes, evidenced by her growing rainy day souvenir fund.

She did well in avoiding him in all but swimming. The first day she had stepped out the changing room, nervously adjusting the straps on the new swimsuit that Jack had picked her up at the supermarket, the first thing she had seen around the pool was Hux. He had looked her up and down with an icy distain, his cruel lips curling back in a smirk, before leaning over to his cronies and whispering something that made them all look over and laugh. Her cheeks flaming red, she had tried to ignore them and gone and sat on the edge of the pool staring into the blue depths to try and calm down. The class itself was fine, though Rey continued to be a terrible swimmer. She hadn't had much chance to practice before and still only knew basics. The rest of the class were much better, though there were some girls who didn't want to get their hair wet, so she didn't feel too bad about her performance.

At the end of class, as she lingered, unwilling to change with all the other girls, she slowly reached the ladder and started to pull herself out. As she found the bottom rung and started up, she saw a pair of feet approaching her, and knew in her belly she had made a mistake, even before looking up and seeing Hux's face.

He smiled down her her, and she froze. He was blocking the top of the stair, bracing his hands on the poles. She looked around and could see that everyone else had headed to the locker rooms, including the teacher.

"What do you want?"

"How dare you join this class and pretend to be one of us. What kind of dirty street diseases are you infecting the pool with just being in there?" he said, his voice silky with malice. She tried not to let that particular barb hurt her, but it did. Sinking into the vulnerable place where her past and present met and all her insecurities writhed.

"Get out my way" she said flatly.

"Or you'll do what?" he pressed, stepping closer as she attempted to climb up the ladder, thinking she could just force him back. Then, faster than she could anticipate, he suddenly stepped forward, bring his foot down on the top of her head, and she was underwater. Unprepared, she swallowed a huge mouthful as she screamed, and she felt it burn up her nose. His foot was a lead weight on her head and she twisted to try and get out from under it, but she was panicking and every move she made he anticipated. Her lungs started to scream for air, and she forced herself to stop struggling and stop making it easy for him. Instead, she stilled, and brought her hands up quickly, grasping his foot, and took hold of his toes. She gripped the smallest one and largest and pulled them in the opposite directions as hard as she could. She pulled with all her strength and felt his foot start to shift on her head, and then she was able to slip out from underneath. She broke the surface, gasping for air, her nose streaming with water and snot, her eyes burning red. She hacked up the swallowed water, spitting it into the pool remorselessly and shot her eyes around the pool, looking for the next attack, but he has gone. Trembling, she held onto the edge of the pool getting her breath back, her lungs still rattling wetly.

* * *

Ben Solo watched the clock on his laptop, and softly shut the lid. He could try and pretend it wasn't, but in his heart he knew that the extremely late hour meant that his father wasn't coming home.

Again.

He knew that his mother would be done waiting and would already have gone to bed. Resigned to another night alone.

He wondered if she preferred it.

He put his laptopn on the floor and shifted onto his side to sleep. Shadows moved beyond the blinds, sending their spidery fingers across the white of his wall. It was late, and as always he struggled to sleep. He thought of Eliza and tried to summon some comforting memory or thought of her and their time together, her silken skin, her breathy moans, her complete submission, but it left him cold, as usual.

Sometimes he felt as though he was retreating further and further into a fortress of ice in his heart, and his body was slowly freezing from the inside out. He felt so removed from everything, so distant, nothing seemed to penetrate his isolation anymore. But what excuse did he have for being unhappy? For being lonely?

He thought of Rey then, a tiny ball of fire and energy, a tiny star burning with feeling. Surely, she would have an excuse for isolating herself, withdrawing, for feeling aching emptiness. It made him feel weak and ashamed that he couldn't manage better than a half-starved street urchin. And he did know a little of her past, he had been one of the few to read past the headlines. To read of her background and the situation she had been found in. Yes, he thought maybe Rey was a kindred spirit, though her pain was earned but her difficult life, whereas his was merely the product of being a strange, inconvenient, ungrateful boy, born into a family of power and wealth and left cold by it all.

He brought to mind the words of his tutor, his only true friend, if he were honest with himself, though he was much older. Professor Snoke told him that all men of true power were alone, and his isolation now would only make him greater later. Words to placate a confused adolescent, he was sure, but he took comfort in them anyway. His Professor had never lied to him, unlike most of the people in his life. Finally, he drifted into a restless sleep.


	3. Every demon wants his pound of flesh

**Quick warning, this chapter has dark themes and scenes of sexual abuse/intimidation as well as consensual dominant/submissive relationship dynamics-please don't read if you find that upsetting!**

The second time that Rey caught Eliza Montgomery and Ben Solo alone in the woods, she didn't forget her book bag. In fact she had left it at the cottage and come back with just her maths exercises to do, sitting high up in the branches, the earthy smell of the soil and sharp tang of pine bringing her a sense of peace and balance. She was absorbed in an example, working backwards to try and figure out the method when she heard them coming.

Ben was angry, she could feel it in her chest in a strange way, as thought the energy he sent out was coded messages that she could read. An aura of suppressed rage surrounded him, he seemed to vibrate with it, though only thinned lips and flashing eyes gave it away in his countenance. That power, vitality and power compressed by sheer force of will made her mouth dry for some reason and she suddenly had an insight that a grown Ben Solo would not be a man to mess around with. Eliza followed closely behind her hand reaching out now and again to grab his arm, though this did nothing to slow him until he reached the wide base of the oak where she was tucked away.

"Ben, please, don't be angry" she breathed, standing in front of him, swishing her hair over her shoulder and pouting. Rey watched with interest as Ben looked her up and down, his face an unreadable mask.

"I didn't mean to let her see, I know the rules. She went in my purse for something and I forgot it was in there, and then she was pulling it out, reading the name. I took it away from her before anyone else could see"

"But she saw. I told you Eliza, that you couldn't keep the credit card if anyone found out I was bankrolling you. I don't want it to be known" he snapped harshly.

"Do you think I do?" Eliza cried, and suddenly Rey could see a vulnerable layer to the distainful denial on the girls face, and she wondered if maybe it had been deliberate, whatever slip up they were discussing.

"No need to remind me of how very ashamed we are of each other. You were careless " he said coldly.

"Yes. I was careless, and I'll take the consequences" she said quietly. Ben tilted his head, his anger simmering down now to a focused point.

"What consequences?" he asked darkly.

"Whatever consequences you think appropriate" she said back, and Rey watched as Eliza's body language shifted, her hands falling to her sides, her head lowering, her eyes too, as she became a picture of submission before him. Ben watched her impassively.

Then he reached out a hand and touched her chin. His grip was hard. He rubbed his fingers along the smooth bone before sliding them across her lips. Eliza's mouth opened immediately, and Ben's finger fell inside.

Rey squirmed, suddenly aware of what an intimate scene she was being privy to. After a long pause, Ben moved his finger deeper into Eliza's mouth, causing her to moan, and the sound sent all the hair on Rey's body standing on end.

He gentle drew the hair back from Eliza's shoulder, and started to whisper something into her ear. Her peachy complexion slowly turned red, her eyes lidding and her breath becoming heavier around the finger. Rey was completely transfixed by the expression on her face. It was needy and yearning, and in sharp contrast with the impassive and unfeeling expression on Ben's face. Rey realised then, this might very well be simply an unfeeling arrangement for Ben, but perhaps Eliza had a different take. Despite her haughtiness and her popularity, at that moment, she looked like she would tell the rest of the school to go to hell for Ben Solo.

"Do you understand?" Ben said quietly, jolting Rey back to the present. Eliza nodded shakily.

"Yes. I understand"

"Good. Now get out my sight" he instructed at last, and it was with reluctance that Eliza turned and left. Rey sat paralysed in the tree. She desperately didn't want Ben to know she was there, couldn't stand the embarrassment of meeting his eyes after that highly charged scene. His energy had lessened now, the fury spent, though the other energy remained, that one of isolation, and she had never found him without it. Her heart was pounding so hard, she almost thought he had heard it at one point, when he paused a moment in the gathering dusk, looking back into the growing shadows, before striding after Eliza.

* * *

At the first meeting for the Insorto Heights and St Augustine collaboration, Rey found she had been right about Finn. He was, simply put, the best person she had met in the last 6 months, and she desperately hoped when the project was over, they'd remain friends. Friends were something she'd never really had. She'd never had a proper home for them to come over to, or attended school enough to make any. Any friends she might have made that were neighbours moved too quickly before a bond could form and her mother had certainly never any acquaintances with kids.

There wasn't any time needed with Finn however. From the first 10 minutes of the meeting, where Finn brought out the food he'd brought for them to share and a playlist he had made as a soundtrack to the meeting, she was sold. He was warm and open, and some reason, seeing his easy smile made her think of Ben Solo, and her failed mission to become his friend. Finn was happy and funny, while Ben was angry and sarcastic. Finn pulled her in and tried to make her comfortable while Ben seemed to push everyone away and put them on edge. She didn't know why she was making the comparison, it wasn't like he had shown any interest in her since the apology after class. She had an inkling that it had something to do with the woods, and what she had seen.

Rey was no stranger to the concept of sex, living with her mother had certainly exorcised any hint of romanticism she may have associated with the act. However, she knew she was fairly naïve as it came to actual experience, having never even been kissed. Seeing Eliza and Ben in the woods had changed something in her, opened something inside. A curiosity. Suddenly, someone she had previously seen as a peer to her more or less, with both feel still firmly rooted in adolescence had become something more, a boy-man, someone sexual, and she had no idea what to do with that. Her coping strategy at the moment was to ignore it, and so she did.

"So, what's your story anyway? Finn asked, one afternoon.

"How come you go to St Augustines?" he'd asked, and Rey knew he meant when she was so clearly not the same as the others. She told him the abbreviated version.

"Your mother died? That's really rough. I'm sorry" he said, empathy shining through in the way he put his hand atop hers.

"Its ok, it was a while ago" she blustered.

"6 months isn't that long" Finn pressed, and Rey felt her throat close for a moment, before nodding.

"What about you? What's your story?"

"Foster care. Bounced around until I was 14 and then got lucky, well relatively. My foster family is nice enough, they've got a few other kids, so there's always someone around and it doesn't feel…"

"Lonely" Rey finished for him, and they shared a smile of experiences.

* * *

Winter break was coming up and Rey couldn't wait. The first project Finn and her were working on was a joint dance between the two schools. It would be held at Insorto Heights, as Kendsho had not even allowed the idea of holding it within school grounds at St Augustines. Probably none of her schoolmates would go, but the offer was open for them. Rey herself would be going, and she was excited. Her first dance, and she was looking forward to spending time with Finn and meeting his friends.

The last half of the year, since she'd started school had stretch endlessly and she longed for days when she could go to the woods alone and draw uninterrupted for hours. It was the thought of the upcoming holiday that lowered her guard, plus the fact that Hux had seemed to lose interest in her of late and generally she seemed to have finally found a way to stay under everyone's radar.

Maybe it was the upcoming holiday, or maybe it was because of her bergoning friendship with Finn but somewhere in the last few weeks, she had stopped being careful, and someone had noticed.

The last swim practice of the year had an especially holiday feel about it and Rey could admit to herself she was having a nice time. She had improved, she could properly do the strokes and stay under water and the achievement of it felt great. She wasn't used to being praised, so when the teacher took her aside at the end and told her he was impressed, she shifted uncormfortably even while hugging the words to her heart. She couldn't wait to go home and tell Jack. As she picked up her towel and wandered toward the locker room, she found herself surprised by that thought. It seemed that somewhere in the last few months, she had begun to think of her uncle as family, and even started to look forward to the pride in his eyes when she did well. She smiled softly to herself as she got her things out her locker, glad the other girls had gone, though she was becoming less and less awkward about changing in front of them. It seemed that a diet of actual food on a regular basis was finally making an impact, as her natural slender body began to take on a little shape. It was faint, probably unnoticeable to anyone else, a little deeper indentation of her waist, and flare of hip, a softening of the inside of thigh and slight swell of her breasts. The locker next to hers was hanging open, and she saw inside a compact mirror, silver and studded with sparkling stones. She stilled, her hand itching to grab it. The other things from the locker had gone, and knowing her classmates, they wouldn't be worried about losing something so small. She reached out and opened it. Her reflection was fractured in the surface, a fine cobweb of cracks spreading across the surface. Decision made, she stuffed it deep into her bag. She knew these girls, there is no way they'd keep a broken compact, it was just trash to them.

She wiggled out her clinging swimsuit and wrapped her towel around her chest, grabbing her bag with shampoo and shower gel and turned toward the shower block.

It was quiet as she reached down to put her stuff on the floor and hang her towel up, just the occasional drip of water. She reached out and turned the tap on with a sharp twist. The hot steamy water streamed down her, and she felt her muscles relax as she tilted her head back into the spray. Her eyes were closed, her ears full of the sound of the shower running hard down on her, but she suddenly felt a tendril of cold snake around her ankle. It sent gooseflesh creeping up her legs, and she wondered if someone had come in. Opening her eyes, she looked at the fogged glass of the stall, rinsing shampoo out her hair, her ears strained to hear.

For a long moment, there was nothing, and then, just when she was able to relax, she heard it. The soft squeak of a shoe on a wet tile. Swallowing, she turned off the shower, needing to be able to hear. Silence surged in after the drumming of water, and she was able to hear, the soft squeaking of feet walking quietly on the floor, someone who didn't want to be heard. She considered her options, and found them all to be lacking. She was probably overreacting she told herself as she eased her hand out the stall for her towel, keeping the door as closed as possible. It was probably some girl who had forgotten something and come back. Her fingers met the cold hard hook outside the shower where her towel should've been, coming up empty.

She heard the sound before she could tell where it was coming from, a clicking sound, a camera. Her head shot up and she saw a smart phone being held over the top of the shower stall, the flash blinding her in the relative darkness of the shower block.

"What the hell?" she swore, pushing the door open, her heart in her mouth. Some mean girl was taking a picture of her in the shower and now they were going to pay. Her mouth dried up as she came out the shower, and saw Hux, leaning against the opposite wall, his phone tucked into his pocket, an insufferably smug expression on his face, her towel in his hand. She registered that she was naked, and that he was perusing her body in a long slow sweep. She felt her blood well up behind her skin, her whole body burning in mortification, even as she ground her teeth and resolved not to let him see how much he'd rattled her.

"Well, well, seemed even gutter rats take showers, now and again" he sneered as she simply heard her hand up to him.

"Give me the phone" she said calmly, though she felt anything but. He smirked.

"Why would I do that?" he asked, his face creasing in genuine puzzlement.

"No, I don't think I will be doing that. I think there's some other people who would love to see the daughter of a whore who dares to walk the halls alongside us, then there's social media of course, and then the kids at Insorto Heights, I bet they'd love to see more of the school's Liasion."

"Don't speak about my mother" she snapped, and then bit her tongue as she saw how he pounced on it, looking for ways to draw blood.

"Your mother the whore you mean? I read all about her… weren't you found with her dead body? How long was she gone before you called it in?" he asked, his eyes taking on a dark fascination.

"You're sick" she whispered and meant it, seeing the dark light in his eyes.

"You're just like her, I can tell. You pretend not to be, pretend to fit in, but you're a feral cat, in heat.I saw you… steal that compact" he breathed coming closer. Fear shot through her at the sight, her mind suddenly recalculating the risks. She had thought maybe he just wanted to humiliate her, but now, with the light in his eyes, she felt a real, more genuine fear.

She took a step back, and felt her fears confirmed as his smile deepened. Without another thought she shot backwards back into the shower and slamming the door, the thick glass juddering against her hands, mere moments before Hux pressed his own hands against it.

"Let me in Rey. Come on, don't think I haven't noticed you watching me, wanting me. Let me in, and I'll delete the photo and I won't tell anyone that you've probably been stealing from us this whole year" he murmured.

"You're insane, you're making me feel sick, you disgust me" she grunted, pushing her whole body against the door as she felt Hux do the same. A thrill of fear went through her at his words. She had been stealing, it was true, and if everyone found out, she didn't know what would happen to their charity.

"Sure I do… I know, it's all part of the game." He said as he threw his considerable weight behind the door and Rey stepped back at the last minute. Surprised by the sudden lack of opposition, Hux crashed into the room, swearing as he slipped on the wet floor, and Rey stepped over his prone form and darted for the door. She wove through the lockers, her heart pounding in her chest and her harsh breath the only sound in the silent room, over Hux's cursing and the sound of him coming after her.

She reached the locker room door. She hesitated a moment, scared of running naked into the hall, and then realising she had no choice as she heard heavy footsteps coming behind her. She wrenched open the door, even as she saw his arm reach out to slam it closed.

The hall way was deserted. Tugging the door back and forth between them, she summoned her loudest scream and let it pierce the air.

"Help!" she screamed as she glimpsed someone turned a corner far down the hall, too far.

Dressed in black, head down and earbuds in, Ben was not pay attention, hunched in he usually was, she willed him to look up.

"Ben!" was her last shout, echoing down the hall as Hux managed to grab the door from her and push her backwards. The door slammed hard, and he turned, blocking her from it, breathing hard. She watched him warily, before turning and attempting to shot toward the pool access. He anticipated her however, and his hand snapped out and grabbed her hair, yanking her back. Her wet feet finally slipped and she went down hard, her back meeting the tile with a crack.

"You fucking bastard" she swore as she tried to roll to her feet. He put a booted foot on her stomach, pressing her into the floor. She saw his face then and realised that this chase, her resistance, was exciting him. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet, and she saw him throw a wade of notes at her naked form.

"Here, how much will it take, what was your mother's going rate?" he sneered, and she felt cold to her very core.

She didn't have to answer, because just then, like an angel of vengeance, Ben Solo burst through the door of the locker room, and the expression on his face froze Hux to the spot.

He walked in, and the temperature of the air falling several more degrees. Rey flopped back, her breath rushing out. She might not have spoken to him in a month, but she was sure he would help her. The relief she felt at seeing him crashing through her.

"Interrupting something, am I?" he said, his voice was flat. Hux huffed nervously.

"You are actually." He said, and Rey swore, attempting to get to her feet, before realising that Hux still had his foot planted on her. She let out a whoosh of breath as it compressed her.

"Get your foot off her. Now" Ben said quietly, with such implied malice, Rey watched Hux swallow uncomfortably. He stepped off her his arms crossing defensively across his chest.

"It's just a misunderstanding." He said, stepping back. Ben nodded pensively.

"I see. Rey?" he said, a question.

"He took pictures" she said and watched as Ben held out a hand to Hux. Hux huffed.

"I saw her stealing from other girl's lockers, the evidence is in her bag" he complained as Ben simply continued to hold his hand out.

"Fine, I'll delete them, It's not there's anything to see anyway" he grumbled, taking his phone out his pocket. Ben grabbed it, lightening quick and dropped it to the tile floor. He lifted his heel and brought it smartly down on the large screen, smashing the glass. He then picked it up, ignoring Hux's protests and pulled the sim out of the wreckage, slipping it into his pocket.

"You'll pay for that"

"And you'll pay for this" Ben promised, looking at Hux with such violence, Hux stepped backwards.

"Be glad it's not your face, for now" he said, turning away from Hux, effectively dismissing him, turning his attention onto Rey, his granite features softening. Hux, seeing his opportunity, made for the door, cursing Ben all the way. As he made to step through, Ben called out to him.

"Hux? Watch your back" he said, and there way a dark promise to those words.

Rey shivered looking at him, now crouched beside her. The whole exchange had barely taken seconds, and she suddenly remembered that she was naked and cold. He turned to her, his eyes on her face. The silence was charged as Rey put one hand to the $20 stuck to her wet shoulder, peeling it off. Ben stood before her, unsure of whether to leave or stay, to turn away or not. Bracing her hand on the wet tile, she pushed herself up, standing on legs which ceased shaking pretty quickly, all things considered. Her towel was lying across the room on the floor, and he straightened, striding over to it, sweeping it up and returning it to her, holding it out carefully, but coming no closer, doing nothing to threaten her personal space. She met his eyes then, standing, naked, her youthful body glistening in the low lights, holding her hand out for her towel with all the poise and confidence of a queen. She didn't blush, or drop her eyes, and neither did he. He felt he owed her that. She took the towel, and carefully wrapped it around her body, looking for all the world as though she were only doing it because she felt like it, not because she had just been left naked on the floor from an attack. With quiet pride, she stepped forward and picked up the other fallen bank notes, carefully sorting them, and tucking them deep into her palm.

"Rey, are you alright?" broke the silence, and watched as emotions chased across her face, as she decided on which one. Finally, she shrugged.

"Sure" she murmured.

"Are you sure he didn't… hurt you?" he probed further, feeling his earlier feeling of wrath reappearing at how young and innocent she seemed, standing before him. A lamb led into the lion's den.

"Just – my pride. A couple of months ago I never would have let him get the jump on me" she said, ripping a hand through her hair, a gesture that made the damp locks stand up.

"You should report him. I can do it for you, if you want" he said. She was already shaking her head

"What's the point. He won't try that with anyone else here, and I'll never be that dumb again. I forgot for a second… and I won't again." She said, a steely note creeping into her voice as her gaze hardened.

"Forgot what?" he couldn't help asking.

"That I don't belong here." she said tightly, before she turned toward the half open locker.

"If you don't mind, I'm just going to finish up here and go back to Jacks."

"You mean home?"

"Sure" another shrug.

"Well, take care of yourself kid. I can't always be in the right place at the right time. " he said, pausing when she called his name softly.

"Ben… don't call me kid anymore. Ok?" she requested gently before she turned back to her locker and he felt her dismissal.

* * *

She didn't tell anyone about it, not Finn and certainly not Jack. Jack would go to the Principle and then it would all come out, about her sticky fingers and Ben's involvement. She just wished it would all go away.

That afternoon, as she was opening her locker, a note fell out, and stiffening, suddenly afraid of what it might be, she opened it.

 _Fancy a walk in the woods? B_

She stared at it, her heartrate picking up at his elegant script, at the thought of him writing it just for her. She was aware of a dangerous sort of interest developing around Ben Solo. Maybe it was his illusiveness, his aloofness with sudden hints of charisma, the blatant desire she had seen on Eliza's face as Ben had whispered in her ear, but she was aware that she was thinking of him far more than she should, and that was before he had shown up in the locker room. He was a puzzle, angry and surly with the world, teasing and protective with her, and she found she liked it. She liked being treated differently, she liked it too much. She had always been drawn to the misfits and outcasts, probably because she was one herself, or more, she felt an echoing loneliness in him, as deep as her own, and she found comfort in its reflection.

Before she made for the woods, she stopped in the bathroom and smoothed her hair into her customary three buns, tucking away fly away hairs, before running out to her oak tree. She found him already there and waiting. He was sitting at the base, his back against the trunk, elbows on his knees. His expression lightened as he saw her coming along the path. She sat down beside him, crossing her legs and snatching up handful of pine needles to play with.

"You got my note?" he said, and she frowned.

"You left me a note?" she asked, then smiled at his confusion.

"Very funny. How are you?"

"Good, looking forward to Christmas. I've asked Santa to give me the gift of being one year closer to getting out of here, and I'm pretty sure he's going to come through" she said breezily. Silence fell between and she could practically hear him struggling to speak.

"And with… the other thing?" he prodded gently. She groaned and lowered her forehead to her knees.

"Please don't bring up the other thing. You saw me naked. Great. Like Hux said, there's not much to see anyway, I'm sure it's really quite forgettable, so feel free to go ahead and do that" she said, glancing a look at him through her lashes. If she had thought he looked awkward before it was nothing compared to how he looked now. Her words made his eyes darkened with anger.

"There was plenty to see" he bit out, before realising what his words meant and correcting himself

"Not that I was looking, or I remember-" he said and Rey threw her hands over her face, feeling her cheek scorch her palms.

"Stop, this is excruciating!" she groaned. He caught her hand, and she stilled, suddenly so nervous she couldn't breathe.

"What I mean is, I am sorry that you were in that situation and I still think you should make a complaint against him. But you should know… Hux was wrong. There's plenty to see… you are something to see Rey, and don't listen to the poisonous words of that… predator." He finished and she was robbed of words. Ben was telling her she was beautiful, or was he? She wasn't sure, she had to go over what he had said and try and understand it.

"I can't. As you know, my little scavenging adventures mean he has leverage over me" she muttered.

"Yeah well, picking up the odd object no one would miss isn't the same as try to –" Ben cut off as anger squeezed his throat. His hands bunched into fists on his knees. Hux's card was marked, and he'd get him, sooner or later, but it would be at a time when it wasn't connected to Rey, so she wouldn't get any of the fall back.

"Seriously, don't make such a fuss. It's hardly news worthy. It happens to girls all the time, every day. It's just life" there was a knowing in her tone that had his fingernails cutting into his palms at her causal assumption, at the implications it held for her life before she came to live at Jacks. It made him furious at her easy acceptance of sexual predators and abusers and he fought the urge to tell her that she should shout it from the rooftops, tell everyone she could until the world stopped looking the other way, and that he would shout it alongside her.

"Anyway, I'm sure you didn't ask me here just to tell me how beautiful I am" she prompted, and he was surprised into laughing.

"Indeed I didn't. Thanks for steering back to the topic" he said warmly and she felt that earlier tension reduce a little.

"No problem… so?"

"I thought I'd offer, over the Winter, if you're still looking for some Math help, I could tutor you" he said, and grew awkward at the ensuing silence that followed. He suddenly felt vulnerable, putting his offer out there, wavering tentatively in the wind. The frustration that followed, that this tiny slip of a girl who he barely knew was making him nervous.

"Why?" she asked and he could clearly guess her fear. He was doing it out of pity. Because she'd been attacked and he had saved her, and now he felt sorry for her. Which, if he was honest with himself, was most of the reason. The other part of the reason was more difficult to pin down, maybe that he admired her strength, her refusal to be cowed, to lose her light in the face of adversity, and the thought of not seeing those glimpses of her as she capered about school for 3 whole weeks was a little depressing.

"My tutor, he thinks it would be good for my development to teach someone else, by going over some past work with you, I'd understand it better too, brush up" he explained, all lies, Professor Snoke had no idea that he was offering to tutor someone, but Rey smiled at his response.

"So, I'd really be doing you a favour?" she asked brightly, and he rolled his eyes.

"I wouldn't go that far, how about it could be mutually beneficial to both of us?" he said, resisting the urge to brush back a lock of hair that had falling across her forehead and into her eyes.

"Like friends with benefits?" she said, turning to face him, and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. He huffed out a laugh and saw Rey raised her fingers to frame her eyes, before pressing an imaginary button on top.

"What's that?"

"Mental picture, Ben Solo laughing, never seen before footage, it has to be captured" she said, relaxing back against the trunk of the tree and crossing her legs at the ankle.

"Where?" she asked at length

"Where ever you want"

"The library?"

"It'll be closed over Winter break"

"The public one wont" she argued, and shot an incredulous glance at him.

"You didn't know there was a public one?" she asked

"Of course, I knew, I just don't know where it is, or the hours" he said lamely, and she threw her head back and laughed heartily. It was a nice sound, Rey laughing, and he immediately missed it when it had faded from the air.

"Jacks?" she offered, swallowing the pride that threatened to wither and die at Ben Solo seeing her house. He seemed to sense that and made it easier on her.

"Let's try the library, it's there for a reason, right?"

"Are you sure you'll be able to find it?" she teased.

"I'm sure my sat nav can" he replied snappily.

"What about payment?" she asked as an after-thought.

"You're helping me out, remember?" he said as they started back toward the school.


	4. You are the hole in my head

**A bit of a monster chapter... hope you enjoy. Regarding some of the names, I have a rubbish imagination, so have used my other native language to cover any gaps - i.e Rey surname and the name of the other high school... any guesses what they mean? (They are super obvious and rubbish but I hate coming up with names!)**

 **Also, uncle Jack is just a random - Luke will appear later related to Ben, and Phasma will also appear later... so Jack and Eliza are just original characters.**

 **Let me know if you're enjoying - again warning for** **light BDSM - I know its coming out super fluffy just now, but will get progressively darker.**

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Uncle Jack had bought Rey a dress for the dance at Insorto Heights. Rey started at it, hanging on her wardrobe door. It was pink. She didn't know what to think about it. She had mentioned something about needing a dress to wear to the dance and she hadn't even realised he had been listening really, and then, one afternoon, he'd brought it in, smiling proudly. She looked at the dress again. It was midi length, with an off the shoulder sweetheart neckline. And it was pink.

She snapped a picture of it with her phone and send it to Finn, who only sent back an emoji of someone rolling on the floor laughing. It didn't improve her confidence. She sat back against her pillows, slowly turning until she couldn't see the marshmallow coloured netting in her peripheral vision and scrolled through their messages. Finn was her friend, it was official. She had a friend. She looked through her meagre contact list. Jack, Finn and a new entry. Ben. Her fingered hovered over the name, still surprised to see it there. He had programmed it into her phone on the way back from their walk in the woods, to organise the tutoring over the break, he'd said. Which meant she hadn't texted him about anything non-school related, even if she'd wanted to. What she wanted to say to him, she had no idea, but just the thought that his number was right there meant she kept composing witty observations or joke to send, and wondered if she sent it at that moment, what mood he'd be in. Would he be moody Ben, the most common incarnation, bordering on sullen, needed a great amount of tenacity and cheer to draw out, or would he be teasing Ben, gracing her with that rare smile, and a laugh that sounded far too rusty. Or, the last and worst Ben, violent Ben. Ben Solo liked to fight, and that fight in the gym wasn't the only one she'd seen him in. He was taking the martial arts class seriously, and trained hard, drinking in the moves and repeating them with an accuracy that made his awkward gawky phrase drop away for a moment. She liked to watch him practice. She wondered if he and Hux had ever had it out, but knew that it wasn't his battle to fight for her. Now, tonight she was getting ready for a dance. Finn was picking her up, and she knew she'd better make an effort. She showered and washed her hair, eschewing her usual practical hairstyle for just leaving it down and loose around her shoulders. She had a ratty collection of cheap make up, and spent a few minutes blending on a glittery golden eyeshadow and rimming her eyes with brown kohl. The last time she had worn make up, her mother had still been alive. That solitary thought brought a lump to her throat, and she dropped her hand onto the dressing table and breathed deeply until the urge to cry passed.

Deliberating over shoe choice was more difficult. Like a man, uncle Jack had not thought what she would wear with her pink dress. Her options just now were pretty limited to sneakers or combat boots. In a panic she grabbed her phone and typed away:

 _Do sneakers or boots go better with the pink dress nightmare? Any chance barefoot is the new black?_

She chewed her lip as she regarded her slim offerings, and heard her phone ping behind her. Grabbing it up she went to read Finn's reply, and her blood froze.

 _I'd personally advise against barefoot, given that there's snow on the ground, but I'd need to see the dress to really decide_

The tone was all wrong, and there were no emojis. Finn always used emojis. With trepidation, she raised her eyes to the top of the screen and saw her fear realised. Ben Solo. She had been mooning over his name, and forgotten she had come out of her conversation with Finn. She had texted Ben, out of the blue, about her pink dress, and he had responded. She didn't know what to make of that.

She reflexively threw her phone away, like it was a toy snake that had come alive in her hand, before scrambling over the bed and grabbing it. She made sure to go to Finn's name and retexted him. Her phone pinged and she steeled herself to look down at it.

 _Going somewhere nice?_

She just started at it. Was he starting a conversation, why was he asking? Was he just being nice? Should she say it was a mistake, or would that be rude. She chewed her lip some more as she deliberated. Finally, she typed out a message and hit send.

 _Dance collaboration over at Insorto, sort of helped to organise so have to go._

She cringed straight away at the message. It was too informative and factual, it wasn't funny and she hated it. Her phone pinged again and she saw Finns reply about stealing some of his fosters sisters shoes for her to wear.

She finished getting ready and went through to the sitting room. Jack was watching football on TV and stood up as she went in. He liked the dress, and that made her feel guilty about hating it. She chatted to him and waited for Finn, who was right on time. As she made the introductions and put on the borrowed shoes, gold ballet flats, she tried to ignore the part of her that was listening out for her phone.

* * *

Insorto Heights wasn't that far from St Augustines, in terms of distance, but in all the rest, it was a world away.

A high barrier fence ringed the concrete slab building, as sprawling as it was and circled the bleak tarmac areas surrounding the school. The inside was huge, wide corridors for funnelling thousands of students at bell change and large, utilitarian lockers and benches. Everything had a faintly industrial feel to it, and there wasn't much in the way of comfort, but it was definitely functional. Finn looked smart in a shirt and nice trousers, and she wrapped her hand around his elbow as he steered her through the doors, pink and blue balloons decorating the vast hall. There was a DJ set up on the stage and drinks and food at the other end. People were milling about on the dancefloor, though no one was quite dancing yet.

"Come on, I want to introduce you to my posse" he said with a smile, taking her hand. She followed him, staring down at his fingers around hers.

"Finn! Finally, let me meet the new girl" a confident make voice demanded and Rey looked up into a smiling face with twinkling brown eyes.

"I'm Poe, it's great to meet you Rey" he said, pulling her in for a hug and ignoring her hand sticking out in front of her.

"You know my name" she said, laughing as Poe clapped Finn on the shoulder.

"Considering this one hasn't stopped going on about you for weeks, I should hope so."

"Hey man – be cool" Finn warned with mock severity, and made Rey relax. She turned to the other girls standing there.

"Hi, I'm Jessika, but I go by Jess" one of them said, smiling warmly at her. The other girl smiled too, though it was a little more strained, and she spoke quietly.

"I'm Rose, nice to meet you Rey. Finn really has been going on about you" she said, a glance flickering down at their hands, which Rey realised in alarm were still joined.

"It's really nice to meet you all" she said, causually taking her hand out of his grip on the pretence of checking her phone. As she did, she saw she had a new message. Her heart caught in her throat as she locked it and forced herself to forget it just now.

"What do you think about this whole collaboration then? I have to say, I thought we were going to get to come to St Augustines and eat caviar and swim in their pool. Finn, you really are doing a shit job of representing the student body" Poe was complaining.

"Maybe next time" Rey promised as she looked around.

"Seems like a good turn out here though! I just wish more St Augustine students had come" she said, wincing as she failed to recognise a single one.

"Well, there you go, you wish it, and it happens!" Finn suddenly exclaimed, looking towards the entrance. Rey turned to see and felt her stomach sink.

There at the door stood Armitage Hux and a group of his cronies.

"Friends of yours?" Jess asked, as Hux found Rey's face in the crowd and gave her a little wave, before moving into the room with his friends, his cruel smile burnt across Rey's vision.

"I wouldn't exactly say that" Rey muttered, before turning away, her eyes burning a little. Asking for the way to the bathrooms meant that Jess and Rose volunteered to show her, and before long, she was standing in a queue going out the door of girls all in sparkly dresses and heels, the smell of hairspray and perfume thickening the air as she leant against the wall and looked at her phone again.

 _Well, don't sound too excited. I am beginning to think I'm a bad influence. You should enjoy yourself_

She typed out her reply quickly, her heart still racing, thinking about Hux being here. Was it just a coincidence, there was no way he had come just to antagonise her? Or finish what he started, but with backup this time, a tiny fearful voice whispered in her head.

 _I was planning to, but looks like any chance of that is gone. Hux and his friends just showed up._

She stowed her phone away again, and moved into the empty cubicle that had just opened. As she was finishing up, she felt her phone start to vibrate.

 **Ben Solo calling**

She panicked and almost dropped it down the toilet as she scrambled to answer it.

"Hello?" she asked tentatively.

"Rey, you should ask your friend to take you home, or call your uncle. You shouldn't stay" he said immediately, a commanding tone to his voice that instantly rankled.

"I don't want to leave. I want to enjoy the dance"

"There'll be other dances"

"Not like this one, not that I can just go and enjoy without all you insufferable St Augustine snobs" she said defensively.

"And besides… I've never been to a dance before"

"Well, neither have I, but I hardly think that's a reason to put yourself in a vulnerable position" he said.

"What? You've never been to a dance? You, Mr Sociable? I'm shocked." She snarked, biting her lip as she considered his advice. She heard him take a long breath, before he said her name quietly.

"Rey. I'm worried why Hux is there. It's not worth the risk." He said, reasonably. She was shaking her head silently, regretting having told him at all.

"It's fine, don't worry about me, I'm not alone here anyway, and I can take care of myself" she said firmly.

"Rey"

"It's fine Ben. It's not your job to protect me. Go get back to whatever you were doing. Have a nice weekend" she said shortly, injecting energy and enthusiasm into her tone.

"I'll see you on Monday, at the library, right?" he asked finally, and she relaxed.

"Yep, see you then. Bye" she said quickly and hung up. She quickly left the stall and washed her hands, finding Jess and Rose waiting for her outside. Hux wouldn't corner her alone again, she would make sure of it. He wouldn't spoil her night, she wouldn't let him.

.

.

.

.

Ben placed his phone back down on the nightstand of the hotel he was in. The city stretched out below him, lights twinkling in the darkness, and he thought of Rey, a couple of hours away by car. Too far to help, not that she needed his help, or wanted it. But she was a kid, and one he was growing strangely fond of. He hoped she'd tell her friend what had happened so he'd be on guard too, but that was her choice to make.

A soft click pulled him from his thoughts as he turned to see Eliza had finished getting ready in the bathroom. It was the night of their arrangement, and he wasn't particularly looking forward to it. But he did have needs, have desires and bodily impulses, as strange as they might be. When they went unspent for too long, the anger got worse, he felt more volatile. He looked Eliza up and down, her young, slim body encased in some expensive black lingerie, adorned with strategic straps with bondage illusions. He thought about telling her it seemed to waste to borrow his money to buy lingerie that he didn't care about to wear for him, but didn't bother. Eliza wouldn't understand. For her, it was all a sexy taboo game, a walk on the wild side with someone who didn't fawn over her. She didn't understand the need to control and dominate that writhed in him. The need for someone to place their life, their welfare in his hands. The need for someone to give him their absolute trust. For someone to care enough about him that they would.

His mind flashed for a moment to Rey, on the locker room floor, naked and trembling and so heartbreakingly trusting. She had trusted him to protect her, looked at him like he made the world for a moment, and he had thought about it more often than he should since. And then, he felt shame in his fantasy. What had happened with Hux had been a violation, and he had been witness to that. To derive any type of desire or pleasure from it was wrong. It was twisted, and he was already aware of how twisted he was, how wrong inside, and felt all the worse because of it.

Eliza approached, a pulse beating in her neck as she carefully waited for him.

"On the bed" he instructed and she hurried to obey. There was a bucket of ice by the side, and her eyes flickered over it, before looking back at him with longing. Eliza liked to shiver and burn, and Ben wanted to please her tonight. He wanted to end their arrangement, and he didn't expect her to take it easily. He was planning on offering to continue the money, which she needed after all. Eliza's father was being investigated for insider trading and hadn't been fast enough to hide his offshore accounts, resulting in her family being broke. No one knew, though they suspected. Her mother maintained the façade and it was a good one, but Eliza had been more pragmatic. She had approached Ben and offered him the arrangement, out of the blue. How she knew about him, he couldn't guess, but as he spent time with her, he came to realise that Eliza was no stranger to the desires of men, so much older than her 18 years. The last time they had been together, she had broken down after a particularly gruelling spanking and orgasm denial scene and admitted that she wouldn't mind never having money again, if only her father would be sent to jail. She was more broken than Ben had realised, and he had felt further cold creeping into his heart, realising that he had been taking advantage of a very ill girl. So, he had to end it.

If he had been a different kind of person, he could have offered her affection and love. Cared for her gently, cradled her, soothed her. But he was only himself, the broken child of a marriage between two people who had only every hurt each other. The inconvenient child who ruined his parents lives and stolen their freedom, sealed them together in never ending warfare. The awkward and charmless burden they had broken under. Professor Snoke had explained how some people are difficult to love, difficult to care for, so fundamentally broken are they. But, he told Ben of how to him, all his little broken pieces made a magnificent whole, stronger and truer than before. No one understood him, except Snoke. _And Rey_ a voice whispered, treacherously denying his teacher. That was a thought he would never voice to his teacher, for instinctively he knew it would have terrible consequences.

"Ben?" Eliza asked softly, and he brought himself back to the bed and her. He brushed her hair back gently and she smiled softly at the touch. He picked up a cube of ice, and trailed it from her wrist up the inside of her arm, and she gasped softly, her arm twitching.

"Don't move – shall I tie you?" he murmured and saw a flash of excitement spark in her eyes, those dark depths.

"Do you want me to?" he asked, and moves for the ropes as she nodded. Threading the silken lengths around her wrists he saw her eyes close in supplication, and all her fears and inhibitions, all her pain and suffering fall away. She was his now, and she had given herself over, glad to be free of the burden. She wanted that, she needed it, as much as he needed to control someone, needed to have power over someone, needed someone to allow him the power. Together, they fed of each other's darkness and he let himself fall into that dark place inside where he was truly himself, though his time, he couldn't quite manage it, as a small part was reaching out, listening for his phone.

.

.

.

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Rey scuffed at the snow on her boots, packed onto the edges of the sidewalk as she waited outside the library. She was worried Ben wouldn't know where it was. Her phone was in her pocket and she had two cups of black coffee in her hands. She didn't normally drink coffee, but something about it seemed like it was someone older people would do, so she had picked it up on the way. A range rover passed by, slowing a little where she was, and then turning into the lot. She followed it round the corner. Ben got out, looking ridiculously lanky next to the hulking car and grabbed a bag, locking up and joining her.

"Let's go" he said stiffly as he passed her, and walked through the electric double doors. Rey followed behind slowly, wondering what to make of his surliness, yet again. Ben commandeered a carrel, throwing his bag across the middle of the table before sitting down and looking up at her. She placed a coffee in front of him, and gave him a hopeful smile, wondering if he was already regretting offering to tutor her.

"A thank you" she said, guesturing to the coffee, which he seemed to be ignoring as he rifled through his bag, pulling out a thick Math text book and notepad. He made a noncommital noise before setting the book down.

"Why don't we start with some algebraic equations, you show me how you're doing them, and I'll see what you're doing wrong"

"Erm, ok…" Rey said, feeling increasingly uncomfortable. She shook off her coat and gloves, pulled her hat off and set it on a chair, feeling her freshly washed hair slide around her shoulders. She leant across him for a pencil, her hair brushing the bare skin of his forearm.

"Didn't you bring anything to study with? And don't you have a tie for that or something" he gestured vaguely at her head. She raised a hand self-consciously.

"No, why?"

"It's distracting" he grunted, sitting back, well away from her and crossing his arms across his chest. Breathing slowly through her nose, she looked down at the equation he had put before her, and started to write out the steps.

"Stop, why are you solving for x first?" he asked abruptly, scowling down at her page. She swallowed feeling her cheeks heat up.

"I always solve for x first" she said.

"Well, there's your first problem" his tone implied it was the first of many, and Rey felt her temper snap at the frustration in his eyes.

"Look, if you regret offering to help, its fine, you're released from your offer. I didn't come to you this time, you came to me, so stop taking it out on me – just tell me you don't want to do this and go. Don't make me feel stupid and snap at me constantly." She said, earning a swift look from the librarian.

She scowled at him, echoing his defensive posture. They glared at each other. He suddenly snatched up her phone, from where it lay on the table and pressed a button.

"What are you doing?" she demanded, grabbing it back.

"Just checking to see if it was broken"

"It's not, why?"

"I assumed it was, since I didn't hear from you after the dance or all weekend" he said flately, and she felt a tinge of guilt in her chest.

"Why were you expecting me to message you?"

"I don't know, Rey… maybe because you told me Hux had just shown up at the dance for no good reason expect to annoy you, a dance miles from your home with a bunch of people you don't know. A dance you swore you weren't leaving early. Maybe what happened in the locker room didn't phase you – but it bothered me, and I can't quite forget it so easily." He snapped, running hand through his hair. It was a customary gesture, she realised, as subconscious as holding the door open for her or pulling out her chair.

"I haven't forgotten. It did bother me. It does" she trailed off, unwilling to share that the incident was making it hard to sleep without nightmares.

"You were worried about me" she stated, seeing the frustration in his eyes and understanding it for what it really was.

"Hell yeah, I was worried, and I had reason to be" he bit out, a muscle flexing in his jaw, and she saw how it cost him, to have no control over something and be made vulnerable by it.

"I can't check in with everyone all the time –" she started, stopping as his flashing dark eyes cut to her.

"I'm not asking you to. But considering what happened and that I am probably the only other person who knows that Hux is a threat. I don't think a quick check in would go amiss… You thought I wouldn't think about it, wondering if you'd left, if he made it hard for you – hell, if I'd be worried he got you alone and finished what he started." He said roughly, and Rey avoided his gaze.

"You could have called me, if you were so worried" she said lamely, but knew it was a feeble attempt to deflect as she said it.

"Right." He said, taking a sip of his coffee, burying his face in the cup. Rey sat a moment, twisting the plastic stirrer on the lid either way, until it broke off in her hand. She didn't know why, but it hurt her pride to admit she had been wrong, selfish, not to consider him. She didn't like the thought that she had to answer to him, and even knowing that was an unfair way of seeing it, it rankled, being held accountable.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think. I'm sorry you worried. To be honest I didn't really think you'd give me a second thought after we hung up" she admitted, a hopeless part of her aware that it sounded like she was fishing for him to say something about how he thought of her, that she might be in his thoughts.

"Of course I'd worry… you're just a – you're young." He said, catching himself on the verge of calling her a kid again. She scowled at him.

"Not anymore, I'm 16 now" she said, a little grin playing at the corner of his lips.

"Wow, all of 16… ok, it's true, you are no longer young, you're practically an old hag" he said with a straight face, and she banged a fist into his shoulder.

"If anyone here is an old hag it's you – you're practically ancient"

"True, but men only get better – wiser, more handsome as they age… women peak much younger, in fact I'd say it's all downhill from here" he said solemnly, and she rolled her eyes at him.

"Whatever, let's do some maths, if you accept my apology?"

"I do, but only because it was so hard for you to say. I enjoyed it immensely"

"You're the worst. Now, if you make me feel stupid again, I'm going to punch you in the kidney, consider this fair warning"

* * *

After sitting in the library for a couple of hours, Ben insisted on stopping by a nearby coffee shop on the way home. He was going to drop her off, as she had taken the bus and it had started snowing. They sat in the window, listening to the Christmas music playing in the background.

"What's your favourite dessert?" he asked, starting at the laminated menu.

"Things with chocolate" she said immediately. He got up to order, and stared out the window at the falling snow. It was falling slowly, drifting down and flurrying about the street lights as the sky was already darkening at 4 pm. He came back and shuffled into the booth, blowing on his fingers.

"You need gloves" she remarked. He waved a hand dismissively and turned to look out the window too.

"What's your Christmas plans… do you celebrate it? Are you Jewish?" she rattled on, pausing as a smile tugged the corner of his full lips.

"I'm not Jewish and I don't really celebrate Christmas" he said, wrapping his hands around a cup of coffee the waitress was setting before them.

"Why not?"

"I don't know. Maybe we did when I was younger, but father travels a lot, and my mother too."

"What does she do?"

"She used to be in politics actually and then transitioned into charity and fundraising when she had me. I curbed her political ambitions. Now though, she's a pretty big deal on plenty of boards and committees. She prefers to stay in the City." He said. Rey thought of the couple for of hours' drive it was between St Augustines and New York.

"Do you go into the city to see her?"

"Sometimes, she's pretty busy" he said, not warming to the subject.

"Are you going to see Eliza during the holidays?" she asked, unsure why she kept pushing them onto subjects that made his shields go up. His expression didn't change, he just regarded her over cup.

"Probably not."

"Why not?"

"Why yes?" he challenged back straight away.

"I thought she was your… girlfriend"

"I'm pretty sure I never said that"

"Ok, secret girlfriend"

"Nope"

"Friend with benefits?" she ventured, shifting uncomfortably under his intense scrutiny.

"Like you?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her, and she felt her cheeks flush red. She unwound her scarf from around her neck.

"It's hot in here." She muttered.

"It's not, but ok. Why are you asking about Eliza?" he pressed, shifting down in his seat, and she felt the brush of his long leg under the table for an instant, before it was gone.

"I don't know." She answered truthfully. It was like a sore tooth or canker sore, she couldn't stop niggling at it. He dipped his fingers into some spilled sugar on the table and swirled it around.

"I'm not seeing Eliza anymore. We ended our arrangement" he admitted. Rey gripped the leather seat under her tightly, her breath suddenly thin.

"Why?"

"It was time"

"You don't – need it anymore" Rey asked, the words awkward and clumsy in her mouth, inadequate for finding out what she really wanted to know. What had they done together? What had brought two people so different together? She burned to find out. It was like Ben held the keys to some secret, adults only club and he was holding them out of reach above her head.

"Somethings are more important than what I need. Why didn't you call me over the weekend, send a text, anything?" he suddenly asked. The suddenness of his question sent a real answer springing from her lips.

"I'm not used to anyone knowing my business. Not used to anyone caring. I've never had to answer to someone before."

"What about Jack?"

"Jack is not a very strict disciplinarian, he pretty much trusts me to do what I want, as long as I go to school" she said.

"What about before… with your mother?" he asked carefully and that tone set her mouth in a bitter smile.

"Again, not much of a ruler enforcer. In fact, it was more likely to be the other way around" she muttered, her gaze drifting toward the table, the past floating in front of her eyes. As always when it did, it robbed her words, shut down her senses, and the feeling of paralysis took up residence in her chest. Ben watched her, and realised in her lost expression, that there was so much there, so much trauma and pain, so much horror and Rey hadn't even started to unpack it yet.

"I can't quite picture you, disciplining anyone" he said softly, his gaze darkened as she lifted her hazel eyes to him, clouded with memories as she replied in a whisper.

"That's funny. I can picture you doing it. Easily" They stared at each other long moment.

"Why didn't you tell anyone it was your birthday?"

"Who says I didn't? Maybe I had a huge party, I just didn't invite you" she tried, and his expression showed her how sure he was she hadn't. That felt strange, that he was so sure of her already.

"I'm not used to anyone wanting to know. It doesn't suit me, doesn't quite fit. I'm much better…"she trailed off, searching for the word.

"Alone" he stated, and felt it slip into the hole in his chest. She gave him half a smile at that, an expression of a weary traveller coming upon another in a wild and lonely, desolate place.

The invisible boy who felt too much and nothing at all, and the forgotten girl who was really seeing him, all his inglorious self. Something shifted inside him at her gaze, at the honesty of it. That part of him that hid away, that dark and writhing thing that cowered from the light was exposed to the full beam of her strength. And she was stronger than him. It radiated off her, her strength, her tenacity and determination, just like anger and darkness wreathed him.

"Here you go, birthday girl!" a waiter announced as two of them approached the table, lowering laden trays. Rey tore her gaze from his to see the two servers placing dish after dish of desserts on the table, each adorned with a single candle.

"What's this?" she asked in surprise. Ben's face was softened in the glow of the candles, and she knew her smiled was reflected for once in his face.

"Things with chocolate. 16 things with chocolate to be precise. Happy birthday Rey" he said, before raising his fingers to frame his eyes and clinking the imaginary shutter.

"Speechless Rey. Never seen before."

She was aware of too many things all at once, all these elements fitting into place to create a perfect memory. The Christmas music, Judy Garland singing about troubles being far away, the steady fall of snow outside the window, glittering over the softly lit shops lining the street, the glow of the candles and Ben's smile.

"You shouldn't have" she whispered. She wanted to tell him to stop, stop being caring and enigmatic, illusive one moment and then everything the next. He was carving a place for himself inside her, and it was terrifying. She knew she was seriously in danger of developing a monster crush on the awkward misfit in front of her. They were a boy and girl on the verge of adulthood, and she knew that their paths in life would take them far from each other, and she didn't think she could stand being left alone by one more person.

"I definitely can't eat all these" she sighed as she sat back a little later, her stomach groaning.

"But you gave it a good shot. I'm impressed" he said, motioning to the server to pack up the rest. He was strangely commanding at times, and Rey found she liked it, sitting back and letting him take charge. It was new and different for her. In her life, if she hadn't done something for herself, no one else would. It felt like a luxury, someone taking charge, she didn't have to worry.

They walked in silence toward his car, him carrying her take out boxes. He opened her door and helped her in, her boots skidding a little in the snow, before shutting the door and walking around to the driver's seat. He got in and put the heater on, rubbing his fingers together as he started the car. The ride back was quiet as she fiddled with the radio and looked out at the snowy countryside. The seats of the car were warm and it felt delicious as she let her eyes drift closed for a moment.

The lack of motion woke her, and she sat up to see the cottage. Ben was sitting in the drivers seat, his head tilted toward hers.

"Home" he announced into the still cool air inside the car, and she wondered how long they had been sitting there.

"Thanks. For the tutoring and coffee and everything" she mumbled, her brain foggy with sleep.

"My pleasure. Why don't we do it at mine next time? I'm tired of being shushed continually" he suggested. Rey stared at him a long moment before nodding.

"Ok, when?"

"Day after tomorrow? I have the place to myself until Christmas eve, then my parents are coming up, well, supposedly" he said with a wry smile. She nodded.

"Sounds good. I – I don't have your address…"

"I'll pick you up"

"I can take the bus" she protested and simply nodded as Ben shot her quelling look.

"See you at 10" he said. He waited until she was inside before pulling away, and Rey cursed every single gentlemanly move that Ben Solo seemed to find as natural as most people found breathing. She put her desserts in the fridge and told Jack to help himself as she wandered through to her room and threw herself on her bed. She desperately hoped this was not going to become a problem, while her heart warned that she was treading dangerous ground.

* * *

"Now come on Ben, this is ridiculous, you are distracted and unfocused." His mentor growled as Ben sat back, letting the formulae before him swim as they had been begging to do from the start.

"What is on your mind?" Snoke prompted. Ben ran his hand through his hair, pushing it back.

"Nothing, I'm just tired" he said.

"Then you must rest, my apprentice. Truly greatness cannot be built on weak foundations. Unless there is another reason for your weakness… one you haven't told me" Snoke probed, laying a hand on Ben's shoulder. He hid his flinch, his masters touch always loathsome for some reason.

"I believe you intended to break off your relationship with the Montgomery girl?" Snoke continued, and Ben swallowed hard. He hated discussing his private his with his teacher.

"I have. We have ended it."

"I see" Snoke said, walking behind him. Ben tensed, unwilling to turn his head and see where he had gone. He could feel that he was still close.

"And what arrangements have you made to cope with your physical demands?" he said, closer than Ben had expected. He resisted jumping, as his professor would only seize on it as a sign of weakness.

"None, I haven't any need at present, I am fine alone"

"I am glad to hear it, for you shall always be alone, it is the only path to greatness. But the physical act of pleasure is an amusing diversion, and a necessary bodily function. Do not deny yourself Ben, the arrangement you shared with Eliza was a good fit for you. She did not threaten your heart, and yet, allowed you to fulfil your base desires" Snoke continued as he stepped back in front of Ben, and went to stand at the window.

"Physical passion and feelings, strong emotions, the combination of those are the very things that have molded your parents into selfish, cruel creatures, who would ignore and neglect the child who reminds them of their failings." He said calmly, even as Ben's heart tore a little more at the words.

"Stolen their greatness, robbed them of ever making a significant contribution to the world… being burdened by you, the product of their weakness, their love. It destroyed them" Snoke said, and Ben felt the truth of those words sink through him.

"I know" he said weakly.

"Good, now, let us return to the chemical formula directly, and I will see your brilliance shine through, I shall accept nothing less." Snoke said as he sat down beside him again, and Ben bend his head back to the notepad.


	5. I watch you live to have my fun

The next day, Rey stepped off the bus into a puddle of slush, and cursed, feeling the cold quickly seep through her so called winter boots.

"You have a terminal shoe problem" she heard Finn call as he hopped off the bench that he'd been waiting on. She hugged him hello, and stiffened for a moment when she felt his arms linger. She pulled back and affixed a bright smile to her face.

"So, where to? I can't believe you're doing your shopping the day before Christmas eve. Even I am more organised than you" he said as they navigated the icy pavements, swooping in and out of the many, many people streaming past.

"Don't remind me."

"Where first?"

"We're here" she said, pushing open the door of a pawn shop. Finn stepped in behind her, looking around with interest.

"This is definitely not where I thought you would be shopping" he said, as she went to the counter and drew something out her pocket.

"I'd like to know how much I can get for these" she said and passed a pair of earrings over to the man behind the counter. He looked at them, pulled out an inspection glass.

"100"

"100? These are real gold"

"100 is generous" the man warned. Rey chewed her lip a moment, and then nodded reluctantly.

"Ok. 100"

Stuffing the clash into her pocket she smiled tightly at Finn.

"Let's go" she said, stepping back out into the cold. Finn didn't ask about what she had pawned, just steered her in the direction of come good value stores.

She bought a new tool belt for Jack, as his was worn and fell down all the time. A lip gloss for Jess and a phone case for Rose with R2D2 on it, her favourite character from Star Wars. She sent Finn away at one point so she could buy him new ear buds, as he was rarely without a pair, and hated his current ones. She only had one present left to buy and dwindling funds to buy it.

"Is there any other stores that would sell men's things. Like more expensive ones?" she asked, as they stepped back outside, her skin tingling in the sudden transition out of the dry central heat.

"Sure, there are plenty. What are you looking for?"

"Gloves"

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Rey was still standing in front of the mirror when she heard a knock at the door. Her freshly washed and dried hair was pulled back in a half ponytail. She was wearing a thick cable jumper over a thin cami, and tight jeans, with boots. She had cast a glance at the make-up, considered it for a long moment, and then decided against it. She felt like it was trying too hard, and thought that Ben might notice she was trying too made it out of the question. She went through to the sitting room and saw Ben, standing by the door, barely clearing the low cottage ceiling, chatting with Jack. She looked around the little room, seeing it through his eyes. The small collapsible Christmas tree with its glued-on decorations, faded wallpaper peeling at the ends, the dining room table top strewn with vintage radio parts Rey and Jack were slowly building back together.

"Rey, keep an eye on the weather. If it turns, come straight back home" Jack said, as she shrugged on her coat, feeling a little self-conscious at the way proximity to Ben made her cheeks heat up.

"We will, Sir" Ben said, and then they were outside in blinding winter sun, and eye tearing cold.

She realised how again how humble and small this little home must seem, to the boy from the richest family at St Augustines. She wondered if he could ever understand how much more it was than she'd ever had.

They rode along in comfortable silence, and Rey occupied herself looking at the neighbourhood out the window, peering at the homes from luxury condos to huge detached houses, set back from the road, behind high gates, bristling with security cameras. There was no one walking on the well-manicured sidewalks. Ben turned into a driveway, and a man from a security booth came out to greet him, before the heavy gates were opening before them.

"So you really came to get me because I wouldn't be allowed in without you" Rey muttered, sitting forward in her seat to look around as Ben drove slowly up a wide, winding drive. The rest of the city seemed to have falled away here, and she could see manicured gardens on either side as far as the eye could see. They passed tennis courts and a stable, and Rey, her expression incredulous, glanced at Ben, who remained unmoved, staring straight ahead.

She had known of course that the Solos were rich, rich beyond her imagining, though her imagining of riches were fairly limited, she could admit. But all this was so much more.

They pulled to a stop in front of the largest single dwelling she had ever seen. It looked like a castle, old stone, and windows, she even spied turrets. Ben parked and got out without a word. Though his expression portrayed a stoic boredom she had the sense of a strange energy coming off him. Nerves and maybe a little anger.

She blinked at him as he wrenched open her door and took her elbow so she didn't slip, certain her awe was on display as she hauled herself up and gripped her tatty backpack. She smiled tentatively.

"I didn't know you lived in a castle. Are you secretly a prince or something?" she asked, looking up to him, her head not even reaching his shoulder. He grimaced as he pulled her backpack from her and set it on his shoulder.

"Not even remotely"

"Good morning Sir" a man intoned suddenly, making Rey jump. Ben nodded to another security presence and propelled Rey through the doors and down into the foyer. She stopped dead in the middle, causing Ben to step into her back.

She turned around, her head tilted back, taking in the vaulted high ceilings and stained glass windows around the top, letting opal coloured light filter in. There was a stillness here, a peaceful emptiness, almost holy and church like. She wondered what it must be like to live somewhere so perfect and pristine, so quiet. She looked up to find Ben watching her, his face curious.

"It's beautiful here" she said simply.

"If you say so" he muttered.

"Let's go, I've not got all day" he grumped as he turned away, and she dutifully trailed after him, her eyes taking everything in, her fingers reaching out and touching the arranged flowers they passed, the knobbles of the art that floored her with its energy and colour. Ben didn't pause though, and she was given no chance to linger as she followed behind him.

"Where do you usually study?"

"In the study" he suggested, "You?"

"In my room." she said, her eyes still drinking in this peep into a world she could never quite have understood without seeing. He stopped and looked at her, indecision on his face.

"The study sounds nice" she suggested, and they were off again. They passed a room with the biggest Christmas tree she'd ever seen filling a generous alcove by the fire.

"You could fit a lot of presents under there" she said grinning, as she stepped into the room and touched one of the branches. The fresh smell of pine filled the air and the needles felt smooth and sharp all at once. Ben didn't reply, just leant against the doorway and watched her. She approached him and slipped her backpack off his shoulder and pulled out his gift. She placed it under the tree.

"First" she murmured as she stood up, suddenly self-conscious under his gaze.

"What?" she asked after a long moment of silence.

"That's not the family tree, not the one we use really."

"What's it for then?" Rey asked, nose wrinkling.

"Show. It's all for show" he said, walking into the room and picking up the small parcel she'd set down under the tree.

"For who?" Rey asked.

"Everyone. No one. It doesn't matter. None of this… matters" Ben said, gesturing his hand around the beautiful room. Something in Rey rebelled at his callus attitude.

"Well, sure, this tree doesn't spring up when you take it out the box, and its decorations aren't glued on… but it's still pretty nice" she said, knowing how defensive she sounded, comparing her and Jack's pathetic tree with one that was magnificent, and Ben dismissed as unimportant. He frowned, stepping closer to Rey.

"I didn't mean anything by that, about Jack's home."

"It's the first time I can remember having a tree at Christmas" Rey blurted out, trying to make him understand how lovely and lucky it was to be standing in front of the giant feat of nature. His expression softened at that, and she was afraid to see pity in his eyes, so kept her gaze lowered.

"And it's perfect. I would rather open presents around that tree, presents that mean something, with a family that cares, than have 5 showroom Christmas trees, presents bought by assistants and parents who can't stand each other" he said softly.

"But it's a luxury to even have that choice to make" she said then, raising her luminous eyes to his. He felt a pang in his heart and realised how selfish and petty he sounded. He'd prefer if his rich and healthy parents wouldn't fight when Rey thought he should be grateful he had them in the first place.

"All great people are alone" he found himself saying, Snoke's voice in his mind. It wasn't meant to hurt her, he meant it as a compliment. The moment was broken by the words, and Rey frowned, looking away, she picked her backpack up.

"We should get started"

"Right. Do you mind if I keep this in my room, open it myself on Christmas?" he asked as they started back toward the study.

"No, but only if you promise to wait" she ordered him, and he felt relief that that intensity in front of the tree had passed. He looked down at the carefully wrapped parcel in his hands, and felt a hint of excitement tug at him, at the thought of opening it.

It was the first present in a long time, he couldn't predict, something she had gone out and bought, just for him. She had been thinking of him. They reached the study and went in, Rey's exclamations over the stacks and collections making him smile. Surprising her and delighting her made his chest feel warm in a way he hadn't felt in a long time. He could vaguely recall a similar feeling, when he had laboured over a poem, painstakingly written in calligraphy with a tutor once, as a Mother's Day present. When Leia had opened the box, he had been so nervous and excited all at once. She had smiled at him warmly and he had felt the same strange softness in his chest. But then, she had put it back in the box, and he'd never seen it again, and the softness blew away like the down of a thistle.

He hadn't felt it since, he realised then, with his chest so full of, as he watched Rey dart from painting to painting on the walls. It was disquieting and uncomfortable in its beauty.

They studied quietly that afternoon, with only the crack of the fire for company. The fires were lit every day, in every room they had them, by the fleet of servants that kept the house running. Ben didn't know who it was for, as his parents were seldom in residence, and if Rey hadn't been there, he probably would have stayed to his room most of the time.

She had great concentration, he thought with admiration. Her focus was white hot, like a laser to the page. She pushed herself, enjoyed being challenged, and seeing if she would figure it out. She was gutsy and brave in everything she did, even tackling her so called weakest subject. She was a great student, he thought, seeing her through a tutors eyes.

Not Snoke's eyes though, no, never his.

He knew that his own tutor would find Rey too emotional and caring, on the edge of laughter when a problem defeated her, always a cheeky comment or a grin away from making him smile in response. His lips, so unused to smiling actually felt strange because of it. No, she was not Snoke's preferred student at all.

Afterwards, she asked for a tour of the house, and he didn't deny her. There was a part of him that wanted to see the awe in her eyes, wanted her to appreciate his family's means. He couldn't consider too closely what that desire to impress her meant, just gave into the whim.

She was excited about the indoor pool they had below as well as the games room, with snooker and a small cinema screen.

"I should have told you to bring your bathing suit, and you could have used the pool after studying" he said as they made their way to the kitchen for lunch.

"What do you want to eat?' he asked, settling a hip against the counter top and watching her fiddle with the sleeves of her thick jumper. Her cheeks looked a little flushed, even as she twisted around, taking in even the cavernous kitchen with enjoyment.

"What do you normally eat?"

"Whatever's around"

"Well, what's around?" she teased, opening the huge double doored fridge. She peered inside.

"Everything. Everything is around." She said, sticking her head further in. He watched her a long moment as she entertained herself in the fridge.

"Are you coming back out?" he asked, laughing at the expression on her face.

"If I lived here, I'd get so fat!" she exclaimed as she let him pull the door further open.

"So.. nothing wrong with that. Help yourself to whatever" he said with a smile and she knocked him on the arm.

"Stop trying to feed me up!" she warned, turned around suddenly and playfully hitting him on the chest.

"Maybe I like feeding you up" he murmured. Suddenly, Rey realised that she was wedged between the fridge and his chest, with his arm around, holding the door open. She raised her eyes to his, up and up, and saw his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed, suddenly as aware as her of the rising tension.

"Well, feed yourself up first. I call the burritos" she said, nimbly snatching the first container she saw and ducking under his arm. She set in on the counter and hopped up onto the bar stool, watching Ben take out some sandwiches.

"Seriously, with all this food around, how are you that lanky?" she continued. Ben dropped next to her and took the wraps off the food.

"Lanky? I'm a growing boy… I'll grow into it" he said, starting to eat. Rey frowned as she considered that.

"Hm, but I think maybe you shouldn't, because that will make you…massive. Far too big. Bigfoot big" She said, her mouth full of food, raising her hands over her head for a second.

"Are you missing Eliza?" she asked suddenly, and the sudden direction change threw him for a second.

"No. Not really. I hope she's well, but other than that, no"

"What was your arrangement again?" she asked conversationally, and he smirked at her innocent expression.

"That's not for young ears"

"Young? You're only 2 years older than me" she huffed.

"Well, 2 years at this age is more than 2 years" he said.

"Considering girls mature faster than boys, I'd say we are about the same age then" she sniffed. He bit down a smile at her persistence. She was so much younger than other girls her age, in so many ways, and in others, so much older. She had a bright, shining innocence and goodness, that was tinged on the edges with her darker experiences and losses. That dark was part of her, but it didn't consume her, it didn't diminish her light, in fact, the contrast of it, seemed to brighten her.

She was the opposite of him, where she was hope and laughter, he was despair and anger, the only light in him came was the reflection of her light in his eyes. The only thing they had in common was loneliness, a deep empty well of loneliness, bone deep and crushingly heavy.

"So – did you love each other?" Rey suddenly asked, and Ben felt his food turn heavy in his stomach.

"No. we didn't love each other Rey, I'm not sure all people are even capable of loving"

"Do you mean Eliza or yourself?" He leaned back at that point and crossed his arms over his chest and watched her steadily.

"You still ask a lot of questions, little scavenger" he remarked.

"And you still avoid them all" Rey said, taking a long drink from her water bottle.

"I thought you were my tutor, doesn't that mean you have to answer my questions, stoke my thirst for knowledge… teach me" she said, and looked up at him through her lashes.

"And this is what you want to know about?" he said, leaning his elbows on the table, seeing a delicate flush work its way up her slender neck.

"One of them" she said softly, and Ben knew she couldn't possibly have an idea of the effect she had, sitting there so innocently asking him to teach her about adult relationships. His own volatile body started to betray him, hardening, warming, generally making him more uncomfortable.

"Don't tell me you've never had Sex-Ed class." He said, shifting on his chair.

"I'm not talking about the mechanics. I'm taking about… the other part…" she trailed off, embarrassed but determined, her hand flapping vaguely in the air, searching for a word to describe the types of feelings she had only just started to feel, the things only just awakening inside her.

"Desire" he stated, the word clicking into place in the thick air between them. She nodded, letting out a relieved breath as she did. She really was curious, and he already knew, loner as she was, that she didn't have a group of female friends to learn about it from. He hid his hands from her under the table, suddenly sure they might be shaking.

"You need to watch more TV, or better yet, find out with someone your own age" he said, grateful his voice was steady and casual sounding. Rey wrinkled her nose immediately.

"No way"

"What about your friend, Finn?" Ben asked, searching for a name he had heard her mention before. Rey shook her head slowly.

"Finn is great, he's my friend and he's certainly handsome, like really handsome. But the energy we have… it's not, it's not… the same" she said, her eyes suddenly, boldly meeting his. He felt like shrinking down before her sure-fire gaze, and puffing his chest out with macho pride at the same time. He settled for squirming in his chair and picking up the remains of a sandwich.

"I'm sure you'll figure it out" he muttered, ending the subject by abruptly pushing his chair back.

"I should take you home, the snow has started again" he said, ignoring the disappointed look on Rey's face as she stood and helped clear the table.


	6. A kiss with a fist is better than none

**Hi there! Thanks for the comments, it is always nice to know if people are reading your efforts.**

 **Regarding this story, as its my first time writing this couple, I'm still finding my feet with finding their voices, so thanks for your patience!**

 **Regarding Ben - as this is a childhood friends fic if you're thinking that he is OC or not Kylo Ren enough, that is because Rey is meeting him as he was when he was a struggling teenager, in the time leading up to the complete break with his family. Ben will become Kylo Ren in this story, and there will be a time jump. So Rey will get to meet Kylo, as in the man Ben became, but she will remember the boy she knew when they were younger as well.**

 **Just in case you're finding him too soft etc... he is how I imagine Ben Solo pre 20s to have been.**

 **Thanks for reading!**

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Christmas Eve brought a lightening of the snow, and Rey watched it falling past her window in lazy, fat flakes, unhurried and unrelenting. Jack was finishing up something at the school, some pipe had burst, and she had the whole morning until Finn was stopping by, and they were going to exchange presents. She was pretty sure Finn and his friends knew how isolated she was at St Augustines and made an effort to include her in their plans, which was so nice, she didn't know how to reciprocate.

She turned onto her back, and found her mind drifting to Ben Solo again, as it always was lately. She could admit it to herself. She had a crush. A big crush. All the changes of the last year, the upheaval and pain and loneliness seemed to have honed its attention onto the taciturn boy, who was angry at the world and his parents and himself, but surprisingly kind to her.

No one really knew Ben, just like no one really knew her, least of all herself. When she had first met him, he had been lanky and awkward, with red pimpled skin and hair that should be washed more often. It was always in his face as well, his dark, expressive eyes lurking behind, watching everyone and everything, always on the outside, separated by a barrier of his own making. He was uncomfortable in his own skin, and that energy vibrated off him. She had been able to see all those things, objectively. Now though, the images of that sullen face suddenly smiling, just for her, or those full lips forming around her name had replaced those initial harsh observations. The image of Ben completing forms in Martial Arts with sinuous grace and the look on Eliza's Montgomery's face as she submitted to him were seared in her mind. They came to her when she lay awake and unable to sleep, her body yearning toward something she had no reference for.

As she lay thinking, she let her hand drift down over her chest, to the modest swelling there, and cupped her breast. She ran her thumb over the nipple, and felt as it jolted into a hard bud underneath her fingertips. She tried to imagine other hands instead of hers, large hands, with long fingers. She felt a flash of heat, and then, nothing, it faded away. Her imagination just wasn't good enough.

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"You're not making us wait until tomorrow, are you?" Finn complained as he carried 4 mugs of hot chocolate over from the kitchen nook to the sitting room.

"I for one am happy to wait" Poe announced loudly as he wiped up the carnage left behind from their drink making responsibilities. Finn handed Rose her cup, and Rey couldn't miss the smile she gave him. One that was reserved just for Finn, though he didn't seem to have noticed.

"Stop being a suck up" Finn teased. They had brought her presents as well, and Rey was a little overwhelmed to see the different shiny papers under the tree.

They passed the afternoon by the fire, telling her about Insorto Heights, about the Big Brother programme that Poe had organised to help give positive role models to younger students. Rey and Finn had made progress with the mentoring programme between the two schools, and Rey had finally realised that there were actually a couple of other students at St Augustine's who weren't completely awful, as hard as it was for her to accept.

"We usually shop the sales, we can go together if you want" Jessika was saying to Rey as she gestured for her phone.

"Take my number, I'll text you" she instructed, and Rey went to her room to find it. After rifling through her desk and bedside table, she realised she must have left it in the bag she took to Bens. She unzipped her backpack and reached her hand in. Her hand scrabbled around, meeting air. She felt a pang as she pictured the last time she'd seen the cheap, pay as you go mobile, laying on the desk in the Solo study.

"What? you can't just not have your phone for the whole of Christmas!" Finn exclaimed.

"I'd die" Rose muttered, empathetically. Rey shrugged.

"I don't know what to do, I can't exactly text him to ask if I can come get it" she said.

"Do you think he'll see it himself? Was it lying around somewhere obvious?" Rey bit her lip, thinking of the pristine state of the library, and wondered if Ben would be using it over Christmas.

"I don't know. I don't think so" she said.

"Well, this guy is your friend, right?" Finn asked suddenly.

Rey nodded slowly.

"I guess" she said.

"Well, let's go get it"

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Rey decided Finn should wait in the car, as it seemed even more rude to intrude on Christmas Eve and bring a stranger along. She tucked her scarf tighter around her neck as she haltingly approached the gate and explained the situation to the lone guard there. He picked up the phone and called the main house. Rey couldn't hear the conversation, but the next thing she knew, he was waving her on.

She trugged up the snow covered drive, arms wrapped around her middle. She was nervous, she realised. She didn't want to intrude on anything, and she felt like Ben might think she was. Then she reminded herself she was here for a reason, and not to be ridiculous. She approached the door, and jumped as she saw it was already open. She approached, hearing the murmur of raised voices, far away. She hesitated on the threshold.

"Hi? Its Rey… I'm just here for my phone" she called, stepping inside. The warmth of the house rushed through her, and she wiped her dripping boots on the mat just inside. She carefully shut the door behind her, aware of that expensive heat escaping out. She made along the hallway toward where Ben had told her the family rooms were.

"Come on Han, can't we just have a nice dinner, for Ben's sake?" A female voice cried, and Rey froze midstep.

"I don't know Leia, can we? You are the one who likes to bring up everything in front of him?" a male voice answered, rough with exasperation and frustration, the words a little slurred.

"Well, when you come home from months away, and you can't even be sober for dinner…"

"Sorry I'm not one of you refined and perfect gentleman committee friends, but you should have thought of that before you married a worthless scoundrel like me"

"If you are fishing for a protest against that – you won't get one, not tonight and not like this"

"Well, I'm glad we are done pretending to be better people for Ben's sake – because, I hate to break this to you Princess, but your son doesn't give a shit. Look at him!" The sound of crashing crockery jolted Rey out her frozen state, and, abandoning all reason, she turned and fled from the escalating shouting.

As she approached the door, she saw that a security guard had reappeared. Mortified at the prospect of being told on, eavesdropping, she darted up the nearby stair case to the bedrooms.

"Ben! Calm down" she heard the man shouting downstairs, and the soft sound a woman crying.

Her blood pounded in her ears as she slipped backwards along the hallway, terrified of being discovered. She had seen too much, overstepped, and Ben would be upset. He would push her away, and she couldn't stand it. She understood all too well how it felt for people to see the ugly parts of you that would rather stay hidden.

Her socking feet made no sound on the polished wooden floor, and she couldn't hear anything from the room anymore. Turning, she walked along the hall, trying to desperately to orient herself. This house was ridiculously big, she decided as she started to quietly open doors and glance inside. A spare bedroom, made up like a fancy hotel, but with nothing personal around. She quietly shut the door and continued on. A bathroom, fancy golden taps gleaming in the sudden hallway light. Another spare room, and yet another bathroom.

A hard slam echoed through the hall, and she heard heavy feet moving toward her, sending her heart into her mouth. The next door she opened, she quickly ducked inside.

The smell was the first thing that alerted her to her mistake. It was masculine, undeniably so. It was spicy and salty. It was Ben. Ignoring the urge to just stand and breath lungful of the scent that had been keeping her up at night, she groped around in the darkness, pushing at the wall, until she almost fell headlong through a folding wardrobe.

She pulled herself in and shut the door quietly. Straining her ears for a hint of noise. Her hand, scrabbling to push herself into the furthest corner fell on something sharp, and she gasped as she picked up a tiny object, a metal clamp with a dangling chain. It had fallen out of a box sitting toward the back. She looked at the tiny thing, completely clueless as to what it could be even as instinct was making the hair on her arms prickle. She looked into the box it had come from. It was silent in the hall, and curiosity and her scavenger nature taking over, she tilted the box into the tiny sliver of light falling through the wardrobe door. She saw silk ropes, black and soft, but strong. She pushed them aside and found a blindfold, again, black with ribbon ties. Her breath had gone strangely still, as though there wasn't enough oxygen to breath. She picked up the blindfold and slipped it through her fingers, smelling the faintest hint of feminine perfume rise from it. She saw something hard toward the bottom of the box, and with one final push, closed her hand around the rigid pole. She pulled it awkwardly out, the long shape springing free to reveal a riding crop, with a jet handle, bound with leather straps. She stared at it. She was still staring at it when the door to Ben's room flew open.

He slammed the door hard and Rey jumped. Anger rolled off him in waves, and she felt again she was intruding. He stood in the middle of his room for a long moment, anger still sparking off his taunt shoulders, before he turned to the wall, and with an inhuman grunt, drove his fist into the plaster. Rey covered her mouth to stop herself crying out. Ben grunted, his sudden violence paused as he leaned back and looked at his hand. Suddenly, he lashed out, and she heard the meaty sound of another punch, and another after that. He was breathing hard, ugly, harsh rasps. His hitting increased in intensity and suddenly, the hardest crack she'd heard so far echoed through the room, the sound of shattering glass. Rey was sitting with her hands over her ears and tears starting to slip from her eyes at this point. He was so anger, so incredibly hurt, and it was painful to be near him. In her effort to stifle the uprising sob in her chest, she made the smallest sound in her chest.

Ben froze, his shoulders shooting up around his ears, his whole back tensing. She held her breath, willing her pounding heart to be quick as she watched him lean his forehead against the wall, his breathing finally calming.

"Rey. I know you're there" he said, his voice rough with spent emotion. She cringed on the wardrobe floor, caught red handed. He turned from the wall, and flopped onto the edge of the bed. Rey watched his chest rise and fall a couple of times, before gathering the courage to stand on shaky legs, pushing the wardrobe door open. He didn't raise his head as she approached, and sank onto the opposite corner of the bed.

"How?"

"My father said he'd let you in. I was hoping you were in the study or something" he muttered, his arm covering his face on the bed.

"Nope… sorry" she said quietly. Slowly he uncovered his face, and she could see how haunted it was. His dark eyes violent storms of unspent emotion.

"I'm sorry" she whispered again. He was quiet. She shifted uncomfortably.

"So… that's your dad" she said in a hushed voice.

"The one and only" he replied, and she couldn't make out his face.

"I should go" she said suddenly, standing. She felt a million words rise up in her throat, and million more dying there.

She jumped as she felt his hand touch her waist. She stopped in her tracks, her eyes straining to see something, anything more than the fact that he had sat up, and reached out an arm as she'd been passing. Now, his hand was on her hip, gently squeezing.

"Don't. Don't go yet" he said, so quietly, she wasn't sure she'd quite heard him.

"Ok"

She reached slowly down and touched his hand, and heard a sharp hiss of pain. Gently tugging his hand off her, she felt her way around the bed to his bedside table, and was hoping on being right in assuming there'd be a light there. After a long moment, her fingers found a cable with a switch on it. She clicked it on, her eyes blinking hard after the prolonged darkness.

He was a slumped shadow at the bottom of the bed. He was wearing a black button down, his long flopping hair held back by a tie, the first time she'd ever seen it. She couldn't see his face.

"Your phone's over there" he told her, and she saw it was indeed on his bedside table.

"Thanks"

She quickly texted Finn and told him to go, that Ben would take her home, at least she hoped he would, or she could always call Jack. Shoving the phone in her back pocket, she stood and approached him. He had kept his face angled away from the light, and now, as she reached his side, she saw the vulnerable expression he was trying to hide. His heads were red rimmed, his skin angry blotches, and smear of blood decorated his cheek.

"Oh, Ben" she whispered as her eyes dropped and she took in his hands. The knuckles were torn, badly, already puffing up, and she could see purple bruises already blooming under the patchwork tears. She reached out to touch them, and he pulled them away.

"Don't make a fuss, it's fine" he muttered, his ears reddening under her gaze. She stood and looked at him a long moment more, and then turned on her heel and walked to the other door in the room, finding an en-suite bathroom that was almost bigger than her entire cottage. She opened the cabinet door under the sink and rooted around. Just as she had suspected, this wasn't Ben Solo's first injury, and she felt sad to be proved right. She pulled out a well-stocked first aid kit, and filled a glass with warm water and picked up two tiny towels sitting on display.

"Sit back" she instructed as she laid the materials on the bed.

"Rey" he started, and she silenced him with a look.

"It wasn't a request" she said decisively, and knelt beside the bed, dampening the towels and laying them across the torn skin. He didn't make a sound as she started to gently blot the blood away.

She could feel his eyes on her as she bit her lip, wincing against the imagined pain, though the only sign that it stung from Ben was a tensing of his jaw. Once the blood was gone, she reached for antiseptic.

"This might sting" she said, raising her eyes to meet his. Again, receiving no response, she dabbed on the alcohol, and saw his intense gaze finally snap shut. She went onto to spread a healing cream on, and then started to put plasters on the cuts.

"You've don't this before… for yourself or someone else?" he asked, and she found that he was back to watching her.

"Both, I suppose. Though never self-inflected. What a perfect waste" she tutted and jumped when he suddenly gripped her wrist.

"Someone hurt you like this?" She squirmed under his gaze, her cheeks growing hotter under his laser focus.

"A long time ago" she said, playing with the ends of the plasters with her spare hand. She saw anger flash through his dark eyes at her words.

"Who?" he pressed and she let out a frustrated sigh.

"What does it matter?"

"It doesn't, so just tell me the name" he said and she saw he wasn't going to give in. Maybe he needed something else to focus on tonight.

"Fine… it's not like she can ever do it again anyway" Rey said, and was horrified to feel her lip wobble. Ben's furious gaze softened as it swept over her face.

"Your mother" he let out a hard breath at that and Rey couldn't quite meet his eyes.

"I should go… its Christmas Eve" she said lamely in the silence that had fallen.

"Is Jack waiting?"

"I wish… there's been some emergency at the school, he might not even make it home. That place is falling apart" she grumbled. She felt Ben's hand tighten on her wrist.

"Then… why not stay… a little while longer" he said quietly, and Rey felt her heart clench as her stomach dropped. She turned to look around the room, trying to find a way to hide the elation his words caused in her. She stood up and walked to a broken frame. She picked it up carefully, seeing a picture under the spider webbed cracks.

"Is this your mum and dad?" she asked as she carefully pulled the picture out. He glanced over and nodded.

"Wow, your mum is really beautiful" she breathed, tracing the imagine of a beautiful, kind looking woman. She looked at the man, who had a roguish charm, and thought how mismatched they seemed, though you couldn't deny their attractiveness. Ben stood in the middle, much younger, perhaps 5 years old. He was smiling so wide she could see all his teeth, his generous mouth stretched wide.

"You were a cute kid" she teased, laying the photo down on a unit, before moving on to see what else adnored the room. An overstuffed pin board was next, and she carefully looked through the memos and physics equations and formulae tacked up She spied the corner of what looked like a vidid illustration and pulled it forward. It was a picture, in charcoal. She found her eyes following the artists finger strokes around, as it pulled her in. It was dark, overwhelmingly so, and she felt a little suffocated just looking at it. It was really quite masterful, but so angry and then, she knew.

"You drew this… you're an artist" she said, looking back at Ben, to find he had moved behind her, his eyes fixed on the same picture. He pulled a face.

"Hardly"

"No. You are." She insisted. She had seen a lot of art, admittedly not always in person, but she had loved to look at masterful work. Work that stirred emotion by the blending of talent and soul. Ben's art had that and more. It was a physically affecting thing, to look at the picture. It made her feel alone and frustrated, searching and never finding.

"It's beautiful, and sad" she said as she let the corner slip back under the study notes.

"Why sad?"

"That's the artists secret. What's it called?" she suddenly asked, wondering if he named his favourite pieces, as she did.

"Homecoming" he said, after a pause. She could feel him standing just out of reach behind her, so much taller than her already, she could feel his eyes pointed somewhere around the top of her head. She took another step forward and felt him echo it. Swallowing hard, she turned toward the bed, and before she could lose her nerve, crawled onto it, and then back to sit against the headboard. Ben was standing by the edge, watching her curiously. She crossed her legs and leaned back comfortably. He studied her a second longer, and then walked to the other side, bending his long legs onto the other side, his hands almost immobile with the amount of plasters she had put on. He leaned back next to her, just close enough for their shoulders to skim each others.

"My favourite class is Art" she said.

"I know" he said, and she glanced at him quickly in question.

"Jack said" he explained.

"You'll have to show me some" he said, even as Rey shook her head vigorously.

"No way"

"But you've seen mine, fair's fair Rey" he chuckled.

"The difference is yours is actually good" she said, pushing herself down so her head was against his pillow. She could feel his surprise and caution, practically radiating off him. She turned on her side and looked at him. He carefully pushed himself down to mirror her. They lay side by side, close enough to touch, but only just, and watched each other.

She looked at his face, and realised how much knowing him more had changed her opinion of his looks. His cheekbones were high and his jaw was strong, his nose long, all in all, it was an interesting and sculpted face. His eyes were large and expressive, topped by winged brows. It was curious collection of parts that didn't quite fit, but in the most attractive way. And then, when a rare smile creased his forehead, it tipped him over into flat out handsome.

"What are you doing?" he murmured, looking at her face with equal intensity. Two artists cataloguing the features of the other, finding beauty in the lines and hollows of their youthful countenances.

"Ben, can I ask you something?" she said, ignoring his question. His eyes narrowed.

"It's not more about… Eliza, is it? I don't think I can take those type of questions right now" he said honestly, sure in that moment, that Rey's innocence questions and burning curiosity, as she lay on his bed, looking altogether too beautiful, would be too much for him to handle. And she was beautiful, alarmingly so, he realised as he watched her hazel eyes roam his face. She was growing into herself, her body and face every day and it was fascinating to watch. She inhabited herself more fully than anyone he'd ever met. Completely comfortable in her skin, so unlike himself. He had always known she was cute, but now, she seemed like a girl on the cusp of womanhood, and he had a sudden insight into the striking woman she'd become very soon. Add that to her wit and compassion, and she was so far out of his league, he could barely fathom it.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" she asked, and he couldn't help letting out a laugh at the unexpected question.

"You have to answer the first thing that comes to you!" she urged as he started to think.

"I don't know… I really don't. In control – I suppose." He bit out, answering the first thing that came to him. Rey narrowed her eyes at him.

"That's not a job" she said and he smiled again.

"You didn't say it had to be a job" he reminded her.

"What about you, Rey? What do you want to be when you grow up? First thing that comes to you" he fired back.

"Safe!" she cried out, grinning under the pressure of an answer. Now that she had managed one, the word hung over them.

"Safe?"

"Yes, safe." He shot her look and she huffed indignantly.

"What? Yours is worse… safe means a lot of things"

"Like what?"

"Like not hungry, not cold, not… afraid that your life could just change one day because of a horrible landlord or mean boss. Safe means that the people you love wont just disappear overnight. All those things mean safe to me. I don't care what job I do or where I live, if I can feel safe" she said, looking up at a spot over his head.

"What does control mean to you?" she asked, and as she did, he felt her words fit into some lock inside of him.

"I suppose it means the same, kind of." He realised aloud. Rey turned on her stomach and looked down at him, and he studiously avoided looking where her t-shirt had ridden up, a sender band of skin exposed on her lower back.

"I don't think you're in danger of getting kicked out of your house" she teased.

"Yeah, I guess. But there are other ways to feel unsafe" he murmured. She was looking down at him, and he had to remind himself too many times to pull his eyes away from her smiling lips. They locked eyes for far too long, and Rey held her breath. A tendril of emotion uncurling from her heart and reaching for enigmatic boy before her. So full of rage and loneliness, so like herself and so different at the same time.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket, breaking the spell. She pulled in out and looked at the display.

"Jack's home. I better go" she said, pushing herself up to sitting, almost feeling like a bucket of ice water had decended on her, so abrupt was the shift from that intimate place that they had created. Ben sat up too, ignoring the crushing disappointment at her leaving.

"I'll drive you"


	7. I know everything you don't want me to

The new school year started and Rey slipped back into the routine of St Augustines. She hung out at Finn's at the weekend, or they went for a pizza and a movie on his side of town. She went shopping in the sales with Jessika and Rose, and was glad to finally have the opportunity to boast two female friends.

"That looks great on you" Rose blurted as Rey stood in front of the mirror looking critically at the cream coloured wrap top with cold shoulder sleeves and snugly, crossed fabric at the bust. It was fancier than anything she currently owned, but she did like it. She looked at Rose.

"Really?"

"Yes really, I don't know why I'm telling you, you hardly need any help looking prettier, but it really suits you" Rose said with a soft smile and flushed after. Rey turned fully to her.

"I've never really thought about looking pretty. I mean, I know all girls do, to a certain extent, but it's always been kind of a luxury. Like, there has always been so many more things to worry about before that. Then, even when I came to Jacks, and I didn't have to worry anymore, it just seemed like maybe I was missing the pretty gene" Rey mused, pulling the long sleeves over her hands.

"Is that weird?" she asked.

"You're mad if you think you don't have the pretty gene, but if you mean you're missing the vain, stupid self-conscious gene that girls get, then I'm jealous" Jessika called from inside a dressing room.

"Yeah Rey, you have to know that you're beautiful. Hasn't anyone ever told you?" Rose asked, her cheeks warming at the question. Rey thought about Ben and his eyes roving her face.

"What she means is has Finn ever told you. And she is trying not to make it sound like if you say yes, she'll die" Jessika called, and Rose shot to her feet, her face turning beet red.

"That is not what I was asking and I don't – I don't even want to know that, it's not my business anyway" she protested hotly. Rey touched her arm to bring her out of her fit of embarrassment.

"I thought we were friends? Friends share stuff, right? Like their feelings… and to answer the question, no, Finn has never said anything remotely like that, and he won't"

"How do you know?"

"Because, we're really are just friends, he's my first actually – friend, and he knows it" Rey said, gripping Rose's hand a moment to try and reassure her. Rose nodded, looking relieved, though still mortified.

"Have you ever told him how you feel?"

"Sure, we talk about it all the time" Rose replied

"Really?"

"Of course not really! Who just talks to a guy like that, about relationship stuff?" Rose complained, dropped her beating face into her hands. Rey thought about Ben and her rather direct questioning.

"What have you got to lose?"

"Erm… I could lose my friend. He's one of the most popular guys in school, he plays football. He's not short of female attention" Rose said miserably. Rey thought it out a moment.

"But he's not with anyone else. As far as I've seen, you're one of the only girls around who don't fawn over him. Maybe he's just waiting for you" Rey said, and prayed she wasn't misleading Rose. But she thought of the glances she'd seen from Finn, when Rose wasn't looking, or the way he always put her first. First in line for things, first to dole out snacks to, first to carry her heavy book bag, and she hoped she had not stirred hope where no existed.

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Winter turned into Spring, and gradually Rey fully relaxed into her new life. School was better, though she still had to suffer through seeing Hux in the hallway occasionally, he had tuned down his antagonism. His father, an influential congressman had been at the centre of a scandal, when his offshore accounts had been hacked and leaked over winter break. Turned out that Armitage Hux's illustrious father was paying quite the sum to various mistresses, so much in fact it was surprising the family could still boast of wealth. When it came out how much of his "necessary expenditures" were billed as job related expenses, he was out of office quickly. Rey took pleasure in it, though she knew it was mean spirited, but seeing Hux taken down a peg was so satisfying.

"Concentrate Rey" Ben snapped, as she fell backwards onto the mat again. They were sparring after school in the gym, with Rey desperate to practice her self-defence moves.

"Up you get, scavenger, better be quicker on your feet than that" Ben was saying, holding out a hand to her.

She scowled at him, before jumping up herself and shaking her arms which were smarting from his throw. He wasn't in a good mood. She'd had to cajole him into practising with her, and then, when she'd come out the changing room, his face had turned sour and he'd been nothing but an ass to her. Knocking her down, pre-empting every manoeuvre, she couldn't get a hit in. She gritted her teeth at the arrogant angle to his head as he narrowed his eyes at her.

"Why am I scared to know what you're thinking?" he muttered, stepping back into a fighting stance. Rey settled before him and waited for him to attack her.

"Because, despite all evidence, you aren't completely dumb" she muttered, and gasped as her block was knocked away, and she felt Ben's hands close around her bare neck. He started to walk her backwards into the wall, towering over her, gently pushing her by the neck.

"How are you gonna get out of this, I'm giving you plenty of time to do so" he said, and Rey saw red. She stopped struggling away from him and suddenly stepped in closer, making his hands slacken in the process. Once she was up close, she stomped on his instep, and when his hands let go of her neck, grabbed his shoulders and touched her knee into his balls, in a light imitation of her intended movement.

"Bang, you're dead" she said as he stepped back out her reach.

"You can't knee everyone in the balls, believe it or not, they might start to expect it and counter" Ben said dismissively.

"Please, if I had gone all in, you wouldn't be able to have children, never mind counter" Rey snapped as she went to her water bottle against the wall and gulped down some much needed liquid.

Ben watched her, irritation mingling with frustration as it always seemed to these days. She couldn't know the effect she had on him, at least, he didn't think she had a clue. She was free of artifice, just one of the things that was sexy as hell about Rey. So, when she'd stepped out the changing room, dressing in light black leggings and a skin tight sleeveless vest, her hair bound up in her usual three buns and proceeded to bend over stretching in front of him, before bouncing up and down teasing him to fight her, she couldn't possible know the urge he'd had to tamp down to wrestle her onto the mat and kiss her senseless.

And now, her body twisting against his, her soft breath sometimes tickling his ear as they sparred, her fierce concentration and furrowed brow, as she looked for more strength in herself, it was almost too much to hide how much it turned him on.

* * *

In the changing room after, Rey pushed her things in her bag, already anticipating the bruise she'd have on her leg from a last move. Though admittedly, it was a bruise of her own making, in thinking that she could trip up the steel that seemed to reinforce Ben's long legs. It helped her a lot to spar with Ben. The teacher hand paired girls with boys in the class, to the boys' dismay. However, Rey knew why. For women to practice self-defence properly, they had to be up against a realistic target, and for the majority of women, that was a man.

"You're Rey, Old Jack's daughter, right?" a throaty female voice asked, as Rey closed her locker and looked around.

Eliza Montgomery, in all her bombshell state. The girl was only getting better with age, Rey could admit and she watched as the blonde tucked her shining golden hair behind a tiny ear. She nodded a response.

"I saw you practicing… with Ben. Ben Solo" Eliza said, as though Rey might not know who'd just beat her into the mat for 30 minutes.

"So what?" Rey asked, the usual challenge in her voice. A habit she'd yet to break.

"Nothing.. I just. This is stupid. I shouldn't have said anything" the older girl said, and Rey was intrigued by the self-conscious look she saw on her usually confident face.

"It's fine. Go ahead." Eliza deliberated a moment more, before stepping closer, her voice lowering a little, her eyes darting to the side to check for eavesdroppers.

"I just wanted to warn you, you know girl to girl… be careful with him. Ben I mean. He's not what he seems" she said. Rey kept her face implacable.

"You mean he's not a hot tempered, angry, depressed emo loner?" she said, arching an eyebrow at Eliza. Eliza blanched under Rey's unapologetic take.

"I mean, I know how he can be. He can be really sweet sometimes, unexpected. But, he's all kinds of fucked up, and if you're not careful he'll fuck you up to" Eliza said, and Rey saw a desperation flash in the other girl's eyes.

"Ben and I are friends. Just friends, but he is a friend, so I don't really want to hear you talk like that about him" Rey said, hearing the defensiveness in her voice.

"What I saw out there is hardly just friends."

"Then you saw wrong, because that's all we are" Rey said, even as her heart picked up at the thought that they looked more. Eliza was shaking her head.

"It might start out that way, but believe me. He'll get inside your head and then before you know it, he'll have you gagged and bound" Eliza muttered, and Rey froze at the words, that long lost curiosity roaring back to life. She swallowed hard, as she forced her voice to sound casual.

"That's a little colourful isn't it? I mean, I get it, you don't like him, no need to be theatrical"

"It's not theatrical. Ben Solo likes to tie girls up and control them, dominate them, tease them, deny them –" Eliza broke off with a shiver, and Rey wondered if it was a fear or nostalgia, as she looked at Eliza's dreamy expression.

"I don't know what you're talking about" she said honestly, feeling a prickling tingle sweep throughout her body. Eliza watched her a long moment, her eyes assessing.

"Don't you?" she asked quietly, before continuing.

"Maybe it's already too late for you, I don't know. I just wanted to warn you, so you know what you're letting yourself in for" she said as she went to leave.

"Did he ever hurt you?" Rey called suddenly, the question unknown before it burst out her lips. Eliza paused by the door, wringing her book bag in her hand.

"Not more than I asked him to" Eliza admitted then, and left.

Left Rey alone with the confirmation of her suspicions about Ben, her gaping lack of knowledge and experience and one new certainty. That Ben Solo could hurt a girl like Eliza, if she'd allowed him to.

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That night, with the blue glow of her laptop illuminating her face, Rey searched for more information about the things Eliza had told her. She quickly found herself drawn into a world of new terms, rules and followers, one that she had never known existed. She read the terminology, started to understand, maybe a little about how Ben and Eliza's relationship had worked. What she found thrilled and terrified her at the same time. For a girl who had never really been kissed, the graphic descriptions of some kinds of relationships were mind blowing. At the same time, she felt better knowing there were many other people out there that were like Ben, and that there was nothing wrong with his tastes.

She imagined, from what Eliza had said about him and her own experience with Ben's desire to control, that he was dominant. She tried to imagine him, participating in a dominant scene, blindfolding a girl tied to a bench, naked and vulnerable, as he remained fully dressed in black. In her imagination, the girl looked less like Eliza and more like herself. The yearning she had been feeling since becoming closer to Ben raged through her stronger than ever. She wanted to know, wanted to experience that rite of passage. The desire and curiosity were burning her from the inside out.

And she wanted Ben to do it. She wanted her memories of the momentous occasion to include him, she realised, closing her laptop and lying down. She knew in the back of her mind that he was going to be leaving in a few short months, bound for one of the prestigious Universities he had been accepted to. She knew that once there, he would likely forget her, the little high school friend with a crush. She wanted him, she wanted him so very badly, she realised, and time was running out.

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In March Rey faced her first important math exam of the year. She waited anxiously for the results, suddenly caring more about this result than any other. To do well would mean Ben would be proud of her, but the end of an immediate need for tutoring. To do badly would mean more tutoring required, which meant more visits to Ben room, but carried the risk of Ben starting to think she was dense. More afternoons curled up on his bed, books strewn over the covers, as he did his homework and she hers, with him holding out his hand sagely when it was time for him to check for her. She loved the studious look he got when he was tutoring her. Sometimes, while he was marking, she'd wander around and look at things. New ticket stubs from a Muse concert he'd taken her to, or books that he was reading, sometimes more drawings. They were pretty much as depressing as the first one she'd found. She was glad to have taken a picture when her phone of the print of Ben and his parents when he was young, as it seemed to have disappeared after he's destroyed the frame.

She watched a sub teacher approach with her exam, and set it on the table.

"Well done, keep it up, err… Rey" he said, reading the name on the top of the test and she saw a red A- on the top corner. She grinned widely, and snatched out her phone, taking a quick illicit picture of the paper, before sending it to Ben.

"You've improved" a voice remarked, and Rey looked up to see Katherine Phasma, a senior who was helping the substitute teacher, looking over her shoulder.

"I marked the previous lot" Katherine explained in response to Rey's curious look. Katherine was the daughter of one of the history professors at the school and her mother was a professor at Yale and while, much wealthier than Jack and Rey, she wasn't in the same league as the other students of St Augustines.

She had been the first to sign up for the mentor programme at Insorto Heights, and was hell bent on working in education, following after her mother illustrious footsteps. She was brusque and business like, but over time, Rey had come to appreciate that she had her own code of honour, not unlike Rey's own, though, she didn't think Katherine would approve if she knew about Rey's little rainy day fund. It was neglected nowadays, as Rey hadn't added to it in a while. She could recognise her need to steal and her need to have options as security measures. Now that she was more settled, she didn't need to worry where her next meal would come from and she had stopped hoarding her little treasures.

"Thanks, I have been working on it, so it's good to know it's not been a waste" she said though she couldn't keep the smile off her face.

"If you keep the grades up like you are, then you could apply to whatever school you wanted to" Katherine said, and Rey felt her good mood plummet. She turned back to the paper, crinkling the end.

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind" she said, and she could feel Katherine lingering at her side. Far too intuitively.

"You already know there's scholarships and suchlike available Rey, no need to rule it out" Katherine said almost sternly.

"Don't you need to get back to it?" Rey asked pointedly, knowing the direct girl wouldn't be offended. She watched Katherine finish going around class, picking up stray papers. College was something Rey was not really letting herself think of. She had never even considered going to college, it had never crossed her mind, until Ben had brought it up.

" _Which would you prefer? Connecticut or New York?"_

 _"For what?"_

 _"University" Rey had screwed her nose up._

 _"The weather sucks in both locations, so pass"_

 _"You can't pass, choose one."_

 _"I choose Florida – Miami… that sounds nice and toasty" Rey had said, and jumped as Ben had whacked her suddenly on the ass. She was lying face down on his bed, her books propped comfortably in front of her face, while he had sat in his usual position by the headboard. The stinging smack had sent her upright in indignation._

 _"What the hell?"_

 _"Come on Rey, you can't go to college there"_

 _"Why not?" she asked, resisting the urge to rub her smarting skin. He'd rolled his eyes at her._

 _"Because there's no way a Solo will be allowed to go to a party school. So, chose New York or Connecticut, take your time." He had said, shifting back to stare at his heavy computing text book. Her mouth had hung open for almost a full minute before she had lain back down._

 _"I'm waiting" Ben had cajoled, and she had pushed down her plummeting emotions._

 _"Connecticut" She'd whispered quietly._

 _"Connecticut it is" he's replied, with a smile in his voice. She hadn't said then that in that moment she'd realised that she very probably wouldn't be going to college, and certainly not an Ivy league one._

 _It was the first time she'd really thought about how their lives were soon to diverge dramatically. She didn't argue about it with him, what was the point. He was only teasing and she didn't want to hear half-hearted assurances that she could get a scholarship or something equally lame, even if she could have gotten in._

Ben had promised her a surprise if she aced her Maths exam, and when she heard her phone beep during the next period, she pulled her mind from the melancholy thoughts about graduation and sneaked a look, she couldn't help the grin that spread over her face.

"Knew you could do it, kid. Friday after school, be ready for your reward"


	8. No light, no light

**Split it as it was too long!**

 **All lyrics are from Florence and the Machine**

* * *

"Well, thank you for the longest week of my life" Rey huffed as she stepped up into the passenger side of Ben's Range Rover.

"I'm getting the blame?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her as he pulled out the school gates and merged into traffic.

"Of course you are." She said as she fiddled with the radio before turning to him

"So… tell me, where are we going?" she asked excitedly. Ben stole a glanced at her excited face, her cheeks smooth and freckled, her hazel eyes dancing with excitement.

"Well, what's the point in ruining the surprise after the longest week of your life, might as well wait a little longer" he pointed out. Rey slumped back, recognising all the signs of Ben digging in, and decided to drop it.

"Fine, don't tell me, I'm sure I'll be able to guess before long" she said, looking out the window and looking for clues. A little while later, she turned to him.

"We are going into New York" she said carefully, and he caught that hesitation on her face. He nodded.

"Yes, we are, and I know what you're thinking, but I thought, it's time to make some good memories there. It's a great city, don't let it become a graveyard" he instructed with his usual heavy handed tact. Rey bit her lip and sat back. She watched the city grow around them. She hadn't been back since Jack had come and pick her up from child protective services in Queens. The skyline stretched out, so familiarly and she couldn't seem to rip her eyes from it. She felt a warm hand cover hers, and jerked to see Ben's huge hand dwarfing hers. It was soft and warm, and his thumb rubbed a circle on her knuckle.

"Just breath Rey. Breath" he instructed, and so she did, because it was hard to concentrate on anything else when he was touching her. They didn't go anywhere near Queens, and in fact, Rey saw little that she recognised. They drove directly to the upper West side, and pulled into an underground parking there. She looked around at the expensive cars gathered in the gloomy garage. Ben opened her door and she stepped down, the smell of gas and fumes hanging in the air.

"Let's go" he said, and she saw him pick up a couple of bags at his feet. Recognising familiar straps, she stopped, looking at him in askance, her heart suddenly beating in her throat.

"That's my bag" she said.

"Jack packed it, I have no idea what's in it, but hopefully its fine for tomorrow" he said.

"Tomorrow?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him. He grinned

"Yes tomorrow, come on, let's get moving" he said, ushering her toward the lift. They ascended in silence as Rey tried to wrap her head around the fact that this was apparently an overnight trip. Overnight with Ben Solo. Overnight with Ben Solo, alone. To calm her run away thoughts, she focused on the flashing lights climbing higher and higher. They stopped at the top floor. There was a strange kind of hush over the opulent surroundings, as they walked from the lift. There were only 2 doors on the penthouse floor, and Ben walked directly to one and typed a code in.

"Its 1931, in case you need it" he said, pushing the door open and holding it for her. She walked in slowly, her eyes taking everything in, her mouth robbed of glib words.

Floor to ceiling windows dominated most of the space before her, with the setting sun over the city sending pink and blue light streaming into the sleep, modern space.

"Is this –" she trailed off, feeling overwhelmed.

"My place in the city, for when I visit my mother" he finished for her.

"Does your mom live here too?" she asked, immediately looking for signs of a female presence.

"No. Just me. She lives pretty close." Rey looked around the huge space.

"All this, and you use it on weekends, sometimes?" she asked, and she saw a look of guilt flash quickly across Ben's features.

"Well, I might live and work here one day, so it's an investment I guess" he explained, looking awkward as he did.

"And if you move to… I don't know… Boston?" she asked, her voice a squeak.

"Sell it, keep it. I don't know. You could always rent it from me, if you end up living in the city, and I don't… I bet you'd be a great tenant"

"I don't exactly think it'd be in my price range" she murmured, walking over to the window and staring at the sunset.

"I'd make it in your price range. Anyway, it might be kind of nice… knowing where you are and what you're up, even when I'm not around." He joked, and the words took Rey back to Eliza and her whispered confessions in the locker room, about domination and control.

"That sounds a little creepy and controlling" she said, feeling him walk up to the window beside her before she saw him.

"Maybe I am a little creepy and controlling" he said, his low voice matching her quiet pitch, creating an intimacy in the moment.

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you wanted me caged up in your pretty apartment, with you holding the key" she said, and caught his gaze that was resting on her. She saw him swallow hard, his eyes liquid darkness.

"Can I take your coat?" he asked, holding out a hand.

The moment passed, as they usually did, but Rey noticed, he didn't deny it.

.

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A couple of hours later, during which Rey broke Ben's winning streak on his PS4, and further explored his cavernous apartment, he had finally told her to get ready. She had put on her cream top, the one from the sales and the nicest one she had. Hiding under her coat, she had followed Ben out onto the city street, and instantly felt that sweep of magic that New York had. The bustle and energy, the feeling that no matter the time, the city was alive.

Ben had hailed a cab and given an address with confidence. Rey sat back and watched him. She could see him in this city, it already seemed like his to her. She was painfully aware that she was looking at Ben now through the glasses of her monstrous crush, but that evening in the city, awakened in Rey another kind of yearning. The yearning to live in a city like this with a partner at her side. Someone strong and capable, confident and adult, navigating their way through the crowds. For a fiercely independent person, it was unsettling.

He took her to a Japanese restaurant for dinner, in a pokey hole in the East Village. It was complete with chefs slicing and dicing for an audience, a candy floss machine for deserts, and a menu written entirely in characters, which Ben was learning to progress his martial arts studies. Rey fumbled with her chopsticks and laughed at his pronunciation. They swung on their swinging chairs, and played Jenga once they'd finished. Afterwards, they walked along Avenue A, deeper into the heart of the village, and Ben pulled her to a stop in front of a derelict looking building. Of course, being Alphabet city, most of the building looked fairly disreputable, and Rey froze as she realised it was actually a concert venue.

"Are you taking me to see Florence?" she asked, nearly breathless as her eyes lighted on a certain poster.

"I am taking you to see Florence' he confirmed, a small smile on his full lips. She couldn't help it, she acted impulsively and reached her arms around his neck, pressing her mouth hard against his cheek, crushing her body against his.

"I take it you're happy" he said, sounding strained after long moment, and she pulled back, grinning madly.

"Let's go! I'm going to buy you a t-shirt, and you have to wear it" she'd said, grabbing his hand.

 _Happiness, hit her like a train on a track  
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back  
She hid around corners and she hid under beds  
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled_

Hours later, Rey's whole body was buzzing with the music, her feet were throbbing from jumping and dancing, her voice rubbed raw. She was shiny with sweat, her hair sticking to her forehead and the nape of her neck on long tendrils. Ben was at her elbow, and even he was dancing, well, kind of, especially if she took his hands. Then he spun them around, sometimes lifting her as she tried to see. She felt completely happy, a strange and slightly scary feeling. The song came to a triumphant finish, and Ben handed her a bottle of water. She drank some to ease her parched throat, and then rested her head against Ben's chest, the very top of it only reaching his breast bone. She was exhausted, and she could feel her cheek sink into the wetness of Ben's chest, and his heart was racing as well.

Another song started, slower, and acoustic version.

 _You are the hole in my head  
You are the space in my bed  
You are the silence in between  
What I thought and what I said_

"I love this song" she smiled to Ben, and he gave her the lopsided smile that always stopped her heart.

"You love all the songs"

"I especially love this one" she insisted.

 _You are the night-time fear  
You are the morning when it's clear  
When it's over you'll start  
You're my head, you're my heart_

"Dance with me then Rey, dance with me to this song you love" he said, bending down to speak into her ear, his hot breath sending goose bumps leaping from the point of contact.

"We have been dancing" she said, feeling his strong arms curve around her, pulling her more firmly against him.

"I mean, _dance_ with me" he said lowly, his eyes burning into hers. She hesitantly raised her arms, and let them rest on his shoulders, and giggled, as it was so damn high, it was uncomfortable. He took her hands, and placed then instead on his chest, splayed open against his body, before returning his own to her hips, and pulled her close, resting his chin lightly on the top of her head.

 _Through the crowd, I was crying out  
And in your place there were a thousand other faces  
I was disappearing in plain sight  
Heaven help me, I need to make it right_

They swayed back and forth in the crowd, the melody winding its way around them, and the singers voice filling Rey's heart. The words haunted Rey, so close to all the things she wished she could say to Ben. She raised her eyes to his, and surprised to find they were trained on her. Full of unspoken things.

Before she could lose her nerve and become afraid, she raised herself onto her tiptoes and tugged his head closer. Closing her eyes, terrified of feeling him pull away, she pressed her mouth to his.

As far as kisses go, it was chaste at first.

She pressed her lips to his, and tried to commune her feelings through that connected place. Ben's arms stiffened around her, she had shocked him, before she felt his lips soften a little under hers. She had no idea what to do, what never been kissed before, and was apparently taking matters into her own hands.

She felt Ben's hands slide up her and come to cup her face. He gently took the mantle of the kiss from her, changing the angle of his head, deepening their connection, and she jumped as she felt his warm, wet tongue slide sweetly across her sealed lips. A careful swipe for entry, a question, a request for permission. She let her lips part a little, and almost moaned at the new sensation of his tongue gently caressing hers for a second. It turned her blood to fire, and she was afraid if she opened her eyes, she would actually be aflame in his arms. She was aware of everything, the crowd, the lights and the dying strains of the song, and him. She was so aware of him, his breath in his chest, the heart beat pounding against her hand, the feel of his belt buckle cutting into her sternum, how large and warm his hands were, as he pushed one into her hair, coming to rest at the nape of her neck.

The audience were screaming applause on either side, and in a daze, Rey realised the song had finished, and they weren't in fact clapping because Rey, the never kissed virgin, had finally made her move. The crowd jostled them and they broke apart. She immediately felt awkwardness rush to fill the space between them and turned to look at the stage, where Florence and the Machine were saying goodnight. Her mind was going a million miles an hour and she thought she was probably freaking out a little, and then, just when she was thinking of bolting into the ladies' toilets and climbing out the window, Ben wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and pressed a kiss into her hair, and everything was ok again.

They took the subway back, because he had never been on it and she didn't want the night to end. As the train roared uptown, they sat side by side on the hard plastic seats, and she watched the different types of people come and go. She saw a girl with her mother, the mother closing her eyes immediately to sleep, and the girl tucking her arms around her mother's handbag, eyeing the crowd warily and Rey wondered if she'd ever looked like that.

They got back to Ben's apartment, and the awkwardness crept back as they discussed sleeping arrangements.

"There's a spare room, so no need to be uncomfortable" Ben was saying as he showed her the bedroom and bathroom along the hall from his. Rey lingered at his side, afraid to say that's she wanted to be closer to him, afraid to say she wanted to kiss him again, afraid of a lot of things. Instead, she went into the room dutifully, staying by the door as he leant against the jam and smiled at her.

"Did you enjoy your reward?" he asked, and she was struck by how much she'd seen him smile in the last 6 hours, compared to the occasional one she managed to elicit at home.

"Yes… it's been great. Are we going straight home tomorrow?" she asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Why? Not had enough excitement?" he said, and his raised eyebrow did something strange to her insides.

"You'll just have to see kid, I might have another trick up my sleeve" he said, pausing to pull out his phone. He frowned at the display.

"Do you have to take it?" she asked, aware that Ben's old timey manners usually prevented him from answering his phone when he was with her. He shook his head, clicking it off and putting it back in his pocket. He lingered on, his eyes on her, and she was taken in again how playful they looked.

"I could see you here, you know… this evening, you looked at home"

"Well, I did live in this city most my life" Rey reminded him.

"True, but I could see it again, differently, better… maybe NYU" he said suddenly, jamming his hands in his pockets as he kicked his foot aimlessly.

"NYU for what?"

"You. Art at NYU. I could see it" he said. She stared at him, trying and failing to come up with words.

"And you? Connecticut?" she asked, reminding them of their long ago conversation. He focused on picking at the wall, refusing to meet her eyes.

"No… I was thinking, Columbia." He said.

'Think about it. Sleep well" he said, and was disappearing out the door before she could blink. She sat staring at the closed door, her brain reeling.

After a few minutes, she gave up trying to figure out his cryptic clues and got ready for bed. Jack had done a decent job, so much so she wondered if he hadn't had help. She washed her face and brushed her teeth, let her hair down to curl around her are shoulders. She had an oversized t-shirt and baggy leggings to sleep in, and Rey bit down a laugh at the oddly paternal instinct of Jack's to allow her to sleep at a boy's house unsupervised, but only if she dressed as unattractively as possible. She knew she'd be too hot in them, and so instead settled for her previous black tank that she worn to school and her underwear, which were shorts anyway. She got into the stark white bed, the cover so cold and crisp she thought it might have been the very first time someone had slept on it, and turned out the light.

In the absence of distractions, her mind flew straight to Ben. What was he playing at? They weren't a couple, he'd made it more than clear that he considered her too young for a relationship being under 17. He treated her like no one else ever had, and respected her so damn much, he was putting himself unfairly into entirely too good a light. He was messing with her head and heart in a way that was starting to hurt. Why was he talking about a future with her, when he seemed unwilling to even kiss her, unless she initiated it? And the deeper and darker question, how he could promise her a future, unless he was promising to stick around.

* * *

She tossed and turned with it, the thoughts wrestling in her head, and at some point in that long dark, but noisy city night, she heard a door along the corridor squeak open softly, and seized her chance without a second thought. She tore out her room, bare feet soundless on the floor, and saw Ben's bare back in front of the sink.

"Ben" she called softly, and saw him start. He turned slowly, putting down his glass of water on the counter, and she was confronted with his bare chest, which was doing nothing to help her keep a cool head.

"What's wrong? Are you ok?" he asked, concerned. She couldn't seem to tear her eyes from his torso, so much more muscled than she had expected. He was still thin, tall and lanky with clothes on, but under, there were actual muscles, a lot of them and she could see them all.

"No, I'm not" she said honestly, crossing her arms around her middle, she raised her eyes to his face, ignoring his adorably mussed bedhead.

"What's going on with us?" she asked directly.

"I could ask you the same question" he said back, leaning an arm on the counter and she tried to ignore the effects of those muscles on her own.

"Why are you acting like you care if we are both in the same place for college, despite the fact that I am not even going to college" she said, suddenly wishing she wasn't standing under his intense scrutiny in just panty shorts.

"First of all, you are going to college, secondly, why are you acting like you don't care? Do you really not care if we walk away from each other in 2 months, and never see each again?" he asked, coming around the side of the island, and she braced herself at the sight of his tall body, clad only in black pyjama bottoms, which were hanging way too low on his hips for any sort of peace of mind. As he came closer she found her eyes struck to the dusting trail of dark hair he had, from his belly button downwards. She had suddenly never felt younger. Ben had a man's body. Ben was a man.

"Of course, I care" she forced out, trying to turn her mind back to the conversation.

"Why did you kiss me tonight?" he asked, mirroring her earlier abruptness. Her cheeks flushed as she avoided his eyes. His hand suddenly snapped out and nimble fingers caught her chin in a strong grip.

"Don't avoid me, Rey. Look at me" he ordered, and Rey felt her mouth go dry at the commanding tone. Ben the dominant. He raised her chin, though she still evaded his probing gaze.

"Look at me" he said lowly, and she found her eyes pulled magnetically to his. His lips quirked in the ghost of a smile.

"Good. Now, tell me, why did you kiss me if you don't see our future together"

"Curiosity?" she tried, suddenly sure she could never reveal her heart so brazenly.

"Try again" he said authoritatively. "You can't lie to me, Rey. I know you"

"It was my first kiss. I wanted it to be with you" she swallowed the words that revealed she wanted much more than that and looked at him defiantly. He studied her in silence, before stepping closer.

"How do you do that?" he whispered, his eyes roaming over her face, searching for a hint or clue to some unsolvable mystery.

"Do what?"

"Make me powerless, bring me to my knees with a look, bind me, blind me and gag me with your smile"

"I don't do any of those things"

"Not on purpose, which is what makes it all more terrifying. You have no idea of your power. It shines" his throaty whisper worked its way to her, and felt her need to touch him resurge.

Slowly she raised her hands to touch his fingers, still on her face. She then pushed her fingers up his arms, feeling the skin and muscle beneath as she went. He had gone still, incredibly so, with a repressed energy, like a storm gathering force before tearing outwards. She stepped closer, and he took a breath that wasn't entirely steady.

"How was your first kiss then?" he breathed, raising one finger to gently trace her lips. She leaned her head further into his touch, and pressed a kiss against his roughened fingertips.

"Unmatchable" she said, raising her eyes to his, her challenge bold and fearless, just like her.

"We'll see about that" he murmured, as his dark head bent to hers.

She'd always wonder later, what would have happened if the next few seconds had been different. There are points in your life that forever alter its course. Forks in the path you don't see coming, and once you have happened upon them, you can never find your way back to that original track.

For Rey, it was the sunlight falling through the mossy green canopy of the forest by Jacks cottage as she stared out the truck window at her new home. It was Finn's inquisitive brown eyes and flashing smile when he'd spoken to her outside the principal's office. It was the rough pattern of the chairs in child protective services in Queens, blue and grey check. It was the sound of complete silence from her mother's room and the pervasive feeling of wrongness.

Life turns on a dime.

And in that moment, where she was so close to Ben Solo that she couldn't imagine it might be the very last time she saw him. If someone had told her, that they would never stand together again, just Ben and Rey, planning a life together, she wouldn't have believed them.

And yet, it would have been true. That's the thing about those moments, you don't see them coming, and often you don't appreciate when they've passed. The ripples of consequences slowly spread over your life, and only later you can look back and pinpoint it… _that_ was the moment it all changed.

A harsh bell cut through the dark and still room, pulling them both back. Ben blinked at her in confusion for a moment, before turning for the intercom. He picked up the phone to the concierge and spoke quickly. Rey saw a change come over his body, a tightening, creeping and stone like. He hung up and turned back to her. His face was paler than before.

"Ben, what's wrong, what's happened?" she asked, feeling dread start to form in her stomach.

"I have to go." He said, suddenly brisk, pushing past her into his room. She followed behind, watching him pull a t-shirt over his head.

"Why? What's going on?" he was panicking, she could see it, and as he made to pass her, she grabbed his hands and held them.

"Tell me!" she demanded. He avoided her eyes, practically vibrating with tension.

"It's Eliza. She's been calling me all day, and I haven't got back to her. She overdosed. She left a note, the hospital called the front desk," he said, and Rey left her heartbreak at the guilt on Ben's face.

"I'm so sorry, is she – is she going to be ok?" she asked.

"I don't know. I have to go" he said, prying her hands off his. He grabbed his jacket, picking up keys and his wallet.

"Take a taxi or something home tomorrow, ok? The front desk can call you one. Use the Solo account. They'll organise it all" he was saying, and Rey felt a building dread at the thought of him leaving.

"Ben!" she called as he opened the front door. He stopped on the threshold and looked back at her, the light from the hall illuminating the wild look on his face.

"It's not your fault" she said, and saw him flinch.

Wordlessly, he turned and pulled the door closed.


	9. Strike a match

The grey light of dawn filtered through the blinds of Ben's window, and Rey watched the slated shadows move across the blank white wall. She had given up trying to sleep in the spare room a few hours ago and crawled into a bed that smelled like Ben, pressing her face into the indented pillow. It smelt like home, she realised as she heard the city gently waking around her.

She resisted the urge to check her phone. If Ben called, she'd hear it.

Recognising that sleep would be futile, she pulled herself up and got ready for a day she didn't want to face. She couldn't go to the hospital, as she hadn't even asked which one it was. She supposed she could ask at the front desk about the message Ben had gotten last night, but she was too afraid to just show up. She didn't know Eliza, and it seemed disrespectful to be worrying about her relationship with Ben when her life hung in the balance.

She forced herself to shower and get dressed. She ate some cereal for breakfast, listening to the drip of the tap echoing in the empty apartment. She found two tickets for the Hockney exhibition at the Met, dated for today. She felt like crying looking at them. She felt so bitterly disappointed that the weekend they were supposed to have had been destroyed so thoroughly, and then guilty again. She hung around for a while longer, eyes shooting to the door at every sound, wanting to see Ben, tapping entry and stepping through the door. But he didn't come home.

Around lunchtime she called the concierge and asked for them to organise a car for her. She figured she could take the bus, but Ben would worry if he checked on her and she hadn't followed his advice. Today especially, she didn't want to worry him.

Looking around the apartment one more time, she pulled the door closed, remembering just yesterday, as he had given her the code in case she needed it.

The journey upstate took several hours, and Rey let her mind wander as she stared out the window. He would be upset, of course he would. But, hopefully Eliza would be fine, and she would get better, and everything could go back to normal. Everything would be normal again soon, Rey told herself, refusing to consider why she didn't quite believe it.

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Rey snapped awake from the dream that had started to plague her again. It had been a recurring one since she was a child, and she lay paralysed and terrified in the grip of her old spectre. In the dream, she was always in a warehouse of some kind, with a lot of walkways and passages. She knew someone she loved was there too, but she couldn't find them. She walked tirelessly around, searching, always just missing them, and somehow she knew in her heart that time was limited. She always woke up when she realised that she wouldn't be able to find them. That she would be alone, trapped, forever searching.

School on Monday after that fateful weekend had been an excersie in trying not to think about Ben and failing miserably. Every dark haired boy that passed, every door that opened and every time she check her phone, she looked for him.

He wasn't there, and he hadnt texted or called her either. That night, finally giving into temptation, she had messaged him.

 _How is Eliza? I hope she is doing better. I hope you are doing better too. x_

She deliberated for ages over what to send, her heart twisting and turning as she pictured him reading it.

The rest of the night was excruitating, straining to hear her phone, waking to check it in the night. But it remained silent. Ben didn't respond. She told herself he was in the thick of it, and knowing him, was beating himself about it even more. It was hardly surprising that he hadnt responded, she reasoned with herself. She knew that was true, but as the week slid by without a reply, she couldn't ignore all her own vulnerabilities bubbling up.

She passed a miserable weekend, though her friends did try their level best to distract her, and she wouldn't prevent herself on Saturday night, as she lay awake in bed, once again staring at the wall, lost in the memories of the same time last week, before everything went to hell, from calling him. Her heart in her mouth, she heard the ringing start. Her optimism died as the ringing continued on and on before a voice mail message come through.

On Monday, with dark circles under her eyes and a head that was fuzzy with stress and anxiety, she pulled her hair back into her three buns, something she hadn't worn in a while, and trudged into school. She changed for gym in a daze, barely listening to the other girls as they gossiped and joked about the weekend. She sat on the edge of the group again, a lingering outsider once more and paid the teacher little attention as he went through the last form of martial arts they would cover, involving using sparring staffs. It was meant to even the playing field a little between genders, and Rey had been excited to try it, for once being the one to knock Ben on his ass. Now all she felt was an aching, squeezing loneliness.

"Partner up!" the teacher called, as people milled about, getting into pairs. Rey felt tears threaten.

She lingered on the edge, not moving toward anyone, wondering if she'd have to work with the teacher.

"Rey and Ben, work together" the teacher called and Rey froze. Turning, as the couples cleared the way, she saw him.

Ben was sitting on the floor, his head down, his eyes far from hers. If she had made little effort to partner up, he had made even less it seemed.

A thousand thoughts flew through her mind at the sight of him. Relief that he was back, pain at not getting a call or message, curiosty about what had happened.

"Get moving!" the teacher gave a last irritated command, before heading off to observe other students. Ben slowly pushed himself to his feet and turned away from her. She thought for one terrible moment he was going to simply walk into the locker room and refuse to participate, it wouldn't be the first time. He veered as he came to the doorway, and instead, went to the staffs leaning against the wall. He measured one against his shoulder, checking the right height, and then picked up another, lighter and shorter. Hefting them both, he turned back to her.

She followed him to a quiet corner of the gym, and took the staff he handed her, which happened to be the perfect height.

"Hi" she said, almost shyly.

"Hey" he replied, his brown eyes flickering briefly to her, before he turned back to the staff in his hands, starting to shift it from hand to hand, doing practise swings.

"You're back" she said, unnecessarily. He didn't reply to that, and continued to practise, spinning around, swirling the staff before him.

"Ben, what's going on" she said suddenly, throwing out her staff and striking his loudly. The reverberation was almost enough to pull the wooden pole from her grasp but she held on. He stilled, his expressive eyes shuttered and unreadable.

"With what?" he evaded, and Rey couldn't help the disbelieving snort that flew through her lips. He flinched at the sound, and she took the chance to step closer.

"How is Eliza?"

"Alive" he answered shortly.

"I'm so glad." Rey said, feeling genuine relief fill up her chest. She had barely known her, but the fragile and empty girl who had warned her about Ben, whether selflessly or not had been so lost, it was hard not to feel for her.

"And you… how are you?"

"Me? Why does it matter how I am" he bit out, his voice a controlled kind of anger.

"It matters because I care about you" Rey said slowly, trying to gauge his mood and failing. There was so much going on underneath that pained, closed exterior, and he was doing his best not to let her in.

"Well, maybe that's the problem" he said, and suddenly looked up at her. She was taken aback by the anger in his eyes, the sheer, roiling fury.

"Ben – don't push me away, that's not what we do, remember? I know you're upset" she started, and recoiled as Ben let out a bitter laugh.

"You think you know me Rey, after what? Half a year? You don't know anything about me, who I really am, what I am capable of" he said, suddenly stepping closer to her, and loomed over her.

"I do know you and exactly what you're capable of" she replied, thinking of the box hidden in his room, of silk ties and Eliza's face when Ben had rubbed her lips.

"You're such a naïve child, odd, considering your past" he said, and it hurt. She frowned at him, pushing herself to remember why he was lashing out.

"And you're such a jaded cynic, odd, considering yours."

"You don't know about my past"

"And you don't know about mine, but I do know you've never been homeless or cold. I know you've never had such an empty stomach that you couldn't sleep, couldn't think about anything else" she snarled, angry at him for pushing her away, and herself for allowing his defensive bullshit to get to her. He smiled then, it was just a baring of his teeth, there was no feeling behind it.

"That's right Rey, let it out, the hate, the resentment, the jealousy. Don't hide your true emotions towards me, maybe if you face them you'll realise the truth"

"What truth would that be?"

"That you should hate me." He breathed, and the look in his eyes, the terrible guilt and despair was a physical thing, like a slap to the face.

"Less talking, more sparring" the teacher called, appearing beside them. Rey schooled her shocked expression and moved through the routine the teacher had blocked for them. She felt Ben moving seamlessly around her, their staffs clacking as they met, lightly at first, then getting louder.

She was angry too, she realised as she blocked Ben's staff, and pushed it back hard. He stepped back with surprise, before continuing. She sent a blow skimming off his shoulder, knocking into his jaw, again, harder than she was supposed to, but her anger was becoming a physical thing. She was so furious at him for pushing her away, for being this easy to manipulate and command. Something bad happens and he reacts like a child throwing a tantrum.

She grunted with effort as he bore down on her a moment, and she used all her strength to push him back. He stumbled back, and she instinctively swept her staff lower, where it connected hard with his knee, and he fell backwards, landing hard on the matt, his head thumping as it came into contact with the floor. She stood over him, the fire in the veins dying down as she saw him lie there. She realised that she was acting exactly like he wanted her to. He wanted her to be horrible to him, push him away, _hate_ him. Then it would validate all the insecurities he was currently feeling. She dropped her staff on the floor and stuck out her hand. He looked at it a long moment, before reaching out for it. He pulled himself up and dropped her hand like it had burned him. He reached around for the back of his head, wincing as he touched a tender spot.

"Are you ok?" She asked, gazing up at him.

"I'll live" he murmured, resisting the urge to lose himself in her hazel eyes, and the reflection of himself in them. Through Rey's eyes, he saw a man worth becoming, a man he'd want to be. But he wasn't that person, he couldn't be. There were enough broken pieces inside him to build a whole person.

"I shouldn't have said that." He said. He could feel her hesitation, her need to touch him, and tried his best to put distance between them wordlessly.

"What can I do?" she asked, following him as he took the staffs back to the rack, class already finishing.

"Nothing, there's nothing you can do. I have to be there for Eliza. It's the least I can do. I'm going down there at the weekend. Finals are starting, my mother has arranged my tutor to stay with me over them, get some extra practise in" he said, avoiding Rey's eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"You sound like you'll be pretty busy…" she sounded forlorn, and it broke his worthless heart just that little bit more.

"I just… I just need a little space right now." He admitted, turning to her, and meeting her probing look full on. He knew Rey, he'd have to convince her staying away from him was for his own good, if he had a chance of her listening.

"Space from me?" she asked, and that splintered heart of his crunch like a boot on glass.

"Space from distractions" he correctly gently, and forced himself to touch her arm. It felt heavenly under his fingers, and he felt more unworthy than ever.

"And you are great many things to me Rey, everyone single of them is distracting"

"I just need this right now, please, understand" he murmured, and she stared at him so hard, he was afraid that she could see through to his blacked, withered soul. Slowly she nodded.

"If that's what you want" she muttered, and he could feel her disappointment and despondency.

He knew that it would work, because, at her core, Rey was just as broken as he was. He knew she would accept the implication that she was a burden, a distraction, something heavy to hold, even though she was the furthest from it. She felt had been a burden to everyone in her life, and she carried the guilt of that on her shoulders, he knew it, and even though it made him more of a bastard to exploit it, he did it anyway. Because Rey had to stay away from him. He had broken Eliza, with his selfish and twisted behaviour. He wouldn't break Rey. To break Rey would be to give up on living once and for all, to cast all hope aside and live in darkness. Rey was looking at him with such sadness, he felt his own throat close, and the fury of his weakness flowed through him again, strengthening his resolve.

"Speak to you soon, kid. Ok?" he said, squeezing her arm. She nodded listlessly.

"Promise?" she whispered, and he could barely meet her eye as he nodded.

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"Ok, this is perfect." Rey said, sliding along the booth of Finn's favourite diner and grinning at the little jigsaw Finn had laid out before her one the table. It was deep purple, with swirling gold, and in the centre, it simply read _Prom?_

"Are you sure?" he asked, breaking up the pieces and dropping them into a velvet bag. He looked nervous, and Rey was enjoying every second. Of course, she already had an idea of what Rose' reaction might be.

"I think it's cute. She'll love it" she reassured him.

"Man, you are definitely overthinking this" Poe teased as he approached, bearing a tray with drinks. He said down beside Rey and passed her a milkshake.

"If you're not even going, you don't get an opinion" Finn snapped at his best friend. Poe laughed.

"Who says I'm not going?"

"You did, about a month ago"

"Well, I've changed my mind. I have to see the results of all this myself" he said, waving his hand at puzzle bag.

"I just mean I don't think you should go to such dramatic lengths, you know? It's too much pressure, it makes it awkward" Poe said.

"So you would do it differently?" Finn challenged. Poe grinned.

"Absolutely I would. Watch and learn my friend." He said, and turned to Rey, his playful smile infectious.

"Rey, I would be honoured if you would consider letting me escort you to Prom" Rey laughed, playing along as she took his outstretched hand.

"Why, what an unexpected and courteous request. I cannot fail but say yes" she laughed, and froze as Poe lifted her hand to his mouth and brushed his lips across her fingers.

"I can't wait" he said, and the suddenly serious look in his eyes stole her breath.

"Wait… what?" she said, turning to look at Finn. Poe sat back, laying an arm across the back of her seat, his handsome face smug.

"And that is how you do it" Poe said. Rey looked between the two guys.

"Are you joking?" she finally asked. Poe turned back to her, and saw the tiniest crack in his confident façade.

"Actually, I'm not. Surprise!" he said, a lopsided grin on his face.

"I want to take you to Prom Rey. Will you go with me?" he asked again. Rey felt her face heat up, and stammered out an answer.

"Are you sure? I mean there are lots of girls who'd want to go with you… you know, not just… friends" she said lamely, her colour only heightening as Poe said slowly.

"I don't want to go with you as friends" She stared at him, silence falling between them until Finn cleared his throat.

"Yeah, great tip man, this is far less awkward"

* * *

She waited at the bus stop later, her hands stuffed into her shorts pockets, sunglasses perched on her nose, watching the downtown traffic fly by. She had told Poe yes. The very fact of it made her chew her fingernails, already worn down to the quick by the last few weeks.

There had been no other answer, because Poe was her friend, and she couldn't hurt his feelings. He was handsome and funny, and he made her feel relaxed and at ease. But he wasn't Ben. Why couldn't she just like Poe back, and go on fun, carefree dates without the yawning chasm of all their combined issues below them.

The thought of Ben was a wound that she couldn't stop touching. It had been four weeks, and they had exchanged a handful to messages since then. She always initiated contact, trying to chase her demons away, her fears that he would disappear completely. He did answer, slowly usually, and shortly. But an answer was an answer, enough to keep her heart tied to his string.

She squinted into the late afternoon sun, looking for the bus that was supposed to be coming. And almost like thinking about him had summoned him, she saw Ben's car approaching. She was frozen by indecision for a long moment, whether to wave, would he see, or just pretend she hadn't noticed him, so when he drove by, it wouldn't be an insult.

As she was still deliberating, she saw the indicator come on, and then he was pulling up beside her, blocking the bus stop. The other people waiting eyed her as she went over to the open window and looked up at him.

He was wearing a black t-shirt and sunglasses, and the familiarity of him made her feel like she had just gotten home from a long trip.

"When are you gonna learn how to drive, kid?" he asked.

"Maybe when someone buys me a car" she replied, and saw one of those rare smiles touch his lips. A peep sounded behind them, and she saw the bus had arrived.

"Get in, I'll drop you" he instructed. She hesitated.

"I can just get the bus"

"Get in Rey" he commanded bossily. She huffed, shifting her backpack, but dutifully walked around the care and got in.

"You are so annoying when you boss me around" she complained as she buckled herself in, the thrill of being so close to Ben after so long making her a little giddy.

"Are you are so adorable when you capitulate." He said, pulling out into the stream of cars.

"Sooooo… how are your finals going?" she asked, looking ahead, unable to sit and stare at him as she wanted to, because she was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to help all her worthless questions and insecurities from spilling out.

"They are going" he replied, his eyes closed her to by the black sunglasses.

Ben was grateful for them at that moment, suddenly sitting next to Rey, the real physical Rey. Not the one that had developed in his head, that spectre that watched him and accompanied him almost constantly. This Rey was wearing jean shorts and a thin, summery camisole, and it was all he could so not to stare open mouthed at the way bands of sunlight wear travelling up her slim, tones legs, which were already tinged with a golden tan.

"You're graduating soon" she stated. He nodded, and felt a prickle of unease creep over him, almost afraid of her next words.

"Have you decided what'll you do after? Where you're going?" she asked it lightly, but the question was loaded with unspoken meaning. Did he still plan on going where she could follow?

"No. I haven't thought about it" he lied. She must have known it was a lie, the date for accepting entrance well past, but she didn't say anything. Pink tinged her throat.

"What were you doing downtown?"

"Helping Finn ask Rose to their prom." She said sadly. She pulled at a thread on her shorts.

"Are you… going to prom?"

"Not at St Augustines" she said, wrinkling her nose at the thought.

"Insorto? Don't you need a date to go to that one?" he pressed, already knowing they were on dangerous ground, and already rushing toward the inevitable pain almost within reach.

"Yeah… I do." She said quietly.

"Well, sounds good. Have fun" he said shortly. They had reached the turning for Jacks. Rey gripped her bag.

"Just let me out here, I can walk" she instructed, and was promptly ignored as Ben turned along toward the cottage. He pulled up and stopped, silence and stillness crowding the space between them.

"Ben. Are you ok?" she suddenly asked, turning to him. He wanted to be honest with her in that moment, and tell her how very far from ok he was. How alone and afraid he felt, how Snoke was pressuring him in certain directions and his parents had been more withdrawn than ever. He wanted to tell her how Eliza clung to him at the weekends, when he visited her, awkward and quiet, their encounters were spiked with her devotion and his avoidance, all her pain and trauma about her father centred on him, looking at him like he was her salvation, when it was all he could do to keep from calling Rey, just to hear her voice, to hear her breath, to know that she existed somewhere, like a light, so far away in the darkness, a direction to walk in the only thing keeping you going.

"I'm fine" he murmured, and started as her hand landed on his.

"I miss you" she said, her eyes suddenly looking glassy. He was captivated by that look.

"I miss you too" he replied, honestly.

'What's the point in us both missing each other?" she asked, and he wished he could be that brave.

"Are you going to tell me where you're going to college? Will I see you again after you graduate?" she asked, seemingly unable to hold back the questions that were keeping her up at night. He closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose to alleviate the pressure there.

"Rey –"

"Don't say something meaningless comment about needing time, or how we will always be friends or something" she warned, and he had a horrible feeling she was going to cry. It was selfish of him, but he was sure in that moment, that if she did, he would never recover from it.

"Why did you change your mind about me? What did I do?" she asked, her tear-filled eyes meeting his, and the raw emotion of that statement, and the absurdity of her questions, as thought there was a chance of him ever forgetting her, struck him as unacceptable.

He acted without thinking, without restraint, throwing off his seatbelt, he wrapped a hand around the back of her head and pulled her face to his.

As their lips met, it was like breaking the surface of a lake, after so very long drowning under the water, it was like feeling the sun again in the Spring after a hard winter. It was everything. She melted into him, as fierce and soft and possessive and gentle as he was.

She felt all her longing flow from her at his touch, and then blast back, Ben's answering hunger stealing her breath. He pulled her closer, his hands in her hair, stroking her cheek, tugging her closer and closer. His lips were moving across her lips, then up her jaw and along to her ear. Her own fingers were buried in his black locks, digging in, tugging and twisting.

His mouth moved to her throat with an imperceptible pause, and the new sensation, rough and soft on the virgin skin of her neck sent all restraint fleeing. Gripping his shoulders, she broke contact, Ben's rough groan of disappointment sending her hair on end, long enough to stand, swinging her leg over the central aisle of the car, the high ceiling and roomy interior presenting no problem, and straddled him, still seated in the drivers seat. As she settled, the sudden, unavoidable intimacy of her new position, her face before his, her legs snugly tucked around his thighs, stilled them both. They stared into each other's eyes, and he slowly raised his hands on either side of her body, dragging upwards from her hips to her shoulders, trailing fire in their wake, up to her face. He ran the pads of his thumbs over her cheeks and across her lips. She mimicked his movements, resting her palms against his broad chest, running her fingers tightly over the slim muscles there, the ridge of his collarbones. He shifted his hips under her, and she closed her eyes, head tipping back as the most heady, delicious slow curl of heat radiating up through her body. All her solitary explorations and imaginings falling so woefully short of the real thing. She rolled her hips, once, twice, grinding them against each other, the slight gusset of her shorts doing little to prevent the electric shocks sparking against her from his hard body. She heard herself pant his name against his lips, her eyes hooded with desire.

"Rey-" he breathed back, his chest rising and falling with just as much violence as hers. She couldn't know how this position scared him, unsettled him, changed the dynamic he made it a point to establish. He was supplicant beneath her, out of control, short on focus, unmanned. And yet, there was a sweet feeling of surrender in his chest, for this was Rey, and he trusted her.

When the sharp rap on the window split the moment in two, there was a part of him that was relieved, the rational part, though his heart rebelled and railed against the loss of that intimacy, never mind the jolt to his overworked body.

They both looked to see Jack standing by the window, a censorious expression on his face, and he felt Rey tense instantly, the fluid, melting warmth of her on top of him gone, as she scrambled back to her side, and then out the car.

He clenched his hands and took a moment to climb out, aware that he was looking every bit as dishevelled as she was.

"Rey, dinners ready" Jack said tersely. She nodded, coming around to Ben's side. He felt the brush of her hand against his, and suddenly, unseen to Jack, she wrapped her hand around his. He felt that lump in his throat again, hard and unyielding.

"Would you care to join us?" Jack's voice was judgemental, condemning the boy who'd sit and make out with his niece with reckless abandon outside, but not have the manners to come in.

"I would love to Sir, but I have a final tomorrow, and extra tutoring tonight" he said as politely as he could. Jack nodded shortly, before looking at Rey.

"I suppose this is goodbye for tonight then" Jack said, making no move to leave. Rey turned and looked up at him, and he looked over her swollen lips and rumpled hair, a primal, animal part of him relishing in being the one to have caused it, relishing that she wore the mark of him for anyone to see. It was base and immature and yet, undeniable.

"Good luck tomorrow" she said quietly.

"Thank you" he replied, though his thoughts were not on his last exam, he could barely bring himself to care about any of that.

"Rey, inside" Jack finally ordered, having had enough of their lingering. Rey made to pull away, and then stopped herself, glancing down at the hidden handhold. He suddenly realised he was holding tightly to her hand, pressing hard, almost painfully. He immediately let go, worried he'd hurt her, and watched Jack usher her into the cottage.

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"You're distracted and unfocused and that girl is the cause. I thought I had taught you better than this" Snoke said, and Ben felt the weight of his judgement.

"I'm disappointed in you" his teacher finished.

"I'm sorry"

"How quickly you forget the remnants of your love, lying in a hospital bed in the city. Have you already chosen this young girl to be the next… victim of your love?" Snoke purred, and Ben bit down bile at the thought of Rey ending up like Eliza.

"Eliza was ill before I met her. Her father –"

"Wasn't there… you were there. And the darkness in her called out to you, her loneliness and vulnerability. She wanted you because she saw him in you." Snoke said, and Ben stared at him, appalled.

"Do not pretend you haven't realised the very same things yourself"

"I would never. Eliza was just a child-" he stammered, horror growing in his veins at his mentors words.

"And how old if your little distraction? How old is…. Rey" his blood turned to ice at the sound of her name on Snoke's lips.

"Old enough" Ben said, though he didn't really believe it. Snoke held his gaze a touch longer, before turning back to the window he was standing before, his arms clasped neatly behind his back.

"Not all perversions are the same. Some men enjoy youth, some men enjoy control. Some men enjoy pain" he glanced sideways at Ben.

"Time will tell, what sort of man you will be, young Solo" Ben thought about his father for a moment, thinking how he had never courted darkness, as Snoke talked about.

"And some men enjoy mediocrity" the professor said, showing his usual cunning insight into Ben's private thoughts.

"I suppose your vision and ambition must be tested in order to grow, and you are but young. But, heed me Ben, you must use this opportunity to develop. The girl holds too much sway over you. How can it be rectified?"

"By stopping seeing her? Cutting her out my life" Ben asked, even though he doubted he could do it. Snoke watched him with a knowing look.

"By keeping her at a distance?" Ben tried again, all the while avoiding his mentors all too knowing look.

"I doubt that is an option. Regardless, you would hardly be winning in that scenario. The true win would be to address the power imbalance. Having her at your disposal as you wish is in your best interests, letting her have influence over you is not. Think of a way to achieve this, to have her at your mercy… it interests you, does it not?" Snoke murmured, and Ben flushed at the thought.

He couldn't deny there was a part of him that longed to control Rey. To have her submission, sweet and pure. To be able to count on her light, even in his greatest darkness. And yet, the other part of him, the one that still remembered the look in his mother's eyes when she had read his calligraphic poem, knew that in gaining that submission, he risked her light.

Rey caged and bound would not be Rey, and that was no option at all.

And in that moment he saw the recurring nightmare he had started to have, in which it was not Eliza in the dull little room, tiny, in a huge hospital bed, being fed by a tube, because she refused to eat or drink herself. It was Rey. That image was enough to remind him why he couldn't let his heart, his weakness, rule him and his decisions for them. He had allowed himself the sweet dream of imagining a life with Rey in it, the two of them, running around New York, young and in love. How foolish that all seemed now. He could only be himself, and he was a person who broke things.

He wouldn't break her.

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Rey lay in bed that same night, face once again enveloped in synthetic light, her expression rapt. She had to do something, something to stop Ben from drifting away from her, something to reach him. She could see him, closing off avenues to his feelings, using his anger as a barrier against his emotions. That moment in the car, he had been Ben again, her Ben, for one shining moment. And when she had stood outside with Jack, and Ben had gripped her hand so hard, she had known, it was his body, his heart, crying out for help, sending a secret plea.

Rey didn't give up on people, she never had, and she never would. And she wouldn't give up on Ben. It was a risk, a huge gamble, but she was hoping the shock of it was unbalance him, divert him from the dark lonely path he was heading down, separating himself from her and everyone else. It was her only hope.

* * *

 **Thanks for the comments you guys, I look forward to your feedback, and hope you're enjoying the story and where its going.**

 **This will unfortunately be one of the last chapters featuring Ben Solo, the forlorn teen, and he won't be making an appearance for quite a while, though his alter ego will be around for sure.**

 **If you have read my other stories then you know my penchant for angst... if not... I apologise in advance. Its about to get rough.**


	10. Tainted Love

The thought of buying lingerie in a shop was intimidating. The thought of buying the kind of lingere she had imagined buying was out of the question. And so, Rey bought a roll of stretchy wide black elastic and black ribbons and got to work. It had to be black, because that was Ben's colour. She formed loops of the elastic to go around the tops of her thighs and waist, tying strategic ribbons from the taut fabric, and fastening them in an approximation of the outfits she had seen online. She already knew that Ben's parents weren't coming to him graduation, both travelling at the time. She knew because he had given her a ticket and asked her to come. She would attend alongside his tutor, the man who he had been at his side since he was a boy. She knew Ben wouldn't be attending any of the parties afterwards, and decided that Graduation would be the perfect night.

That morning, she hovered by the window nervously. She was all dressed, a knee length floral dress she'd found cheaply, liking the sweet pattern, even though it was a little old fashioned. Her hair had been encouraged into big loose curls, and for the first time, she had gone through her little make up routine.

She was watching for Ben's car, because the last thing she wanted was for him and Jack to figure out that she'd lied to both of them about her plans afterwards.

She had an overnight bag with her, small and discreet, as small as most girls handbags. Ben thought they would hangout after the ceremony and then he'd bring her home. Jack thought Ben was dropping her off at Rose' after the ceremony.

She saw the glint of sun off the glass of the car, slowly coming up the drive, and raced out. She bounded down the path with all of her usual athletic exuberance, and grinned at Ben as he stepped out. He was wearing a button down white shirt, tie and black suit. It looked strange to see him out of a hoodie or t-shirt.

"You look weird" she said immediately.

"And there I was going for dashing." He smiled back, his eyes hidden behind his sunglasses. He stared at her a touch too long, and she folded her arms over her chest.

"Well, is this ok?" she demanded, suddenly worried how her bargain bin outfit would fit in at the exclusive graduation of St Augustines.

"You look perfect" he said quietly, and she felt her heart squeeze. He opened the back door for her and she slid in, seeing the back of an older man's head in front of her.

"Hi, I'm Rey" she said, leaning around to stick her hand out. The man looked down at the proffered gesture, before shaking her hand with the tip of his fingers awkwardly.

"I'm professor Snoke"

"I know, I've heard so much about you" she said, putting her seatbelt on, and seeing Ben's eyes flash to her in the mirror.

"As I have you, my dear" the older man murmured, and for some reason, Rey didn't think it was a compliment.

The set up for the ceremony was outside, with the breathtaking façade of St Augustine's a backdrop. Ben left them in their assigned seats, second row from the front, and went to take his place with the other students. Rey looked at the programme in her hand, the beautiful view, the red sandstone fo the school in sharp contrast to the cornflower sky. The sun was beating down on them, and she felt sweat start to bead her lip. She hated being too hot. It reminded her of the endnless summers of the city, following her mother from air-conditioned cafés, to cool dark bars and sometimes even the movies. Anywhere to escape the heat. Those had been the good days, when they's drank cool sodas and lay in the shadows of the park all afternoon. The other days, when her mother couldn't or wouldn't get out of bed were the bad memories. Stuffy apartments without even a window to crack, as painted or nailed shut as they were. Warm, metallic water from the tap and the sticky feeling of all your clothes sliding against sweat soaked skin, even your fingers smearing the paper pages of a book. She turned to Snoke to see him watching her with narrowed eyes.

"Have you adjusted.. young Rey, to this life of privilege thrust upon you?" he asked suddenly, eerily close to her previous thoughts.

"I don't know." She thought about it and then shook her head.

"No, I haven't, I don't think I ever really will."

"Yes, once you have seen beyond the veil, there is no true return to ignorance. The world is a dark place, full of suffering. These students will never understand how little separates them from the rest." Snoke said.

"What about Ben?"

"Ben understands that there is much he cannot understand without greater experiences. To free yourself of society and its judgements, to liberate yourself from the chains of morality and arbitrary rules and laws, is to be truly free" Snoke said. Rey glanced at him.

"But – without morality, what would we do?" she asked, confused by the turn of the conversation. She had the feeling he was judging her every response, weighing her intellect and comprehension, and there was a sickening urge to please him, even as she didn't particularly agree with his words.

"Whatever we wanted" he finished, and broke his low stare to look at the podium, where the Principle had just stepped up.

She watched Hux graduate, hating his smug smile as he accepted his diploma. She clapped as Catherine Phasma collected hers. Then, Ben was stepping onto the stage. He turned and found her eyes in the crowd, a small smile on his lips, she raised her phone and took an actual picture for once.

* * *

Afterwards, they got back into his car, the other student dispersing with parents in various vehicles to go for lunches and parties.

Snoke had invited Rey to accompany them to lunch, which he was hosting. They drove there in near silence, and Rey couldn't hear the quiet words exchanged between Ben and his teacher in the front of the car.

The place Snoke took them to was strange. It was in a basement for one, and as they descened the stone steps outside, Rey hated the way the light diminished. Inside there waa a heavy and sullen energy, and as she sat in the heavy, red velvet chair, she looked around and saw few other people. There was so much red, in this room, she had trouble distinguishing the heavy brocade wall paper from the velvet curtains separating a stage that the end. It seemed to be a night club, and had that strange feeling of being somewhere you're not supposed to be, like it should only be alive at night, and being there at lunchtime was disobeying its wishes.

Rey picked at her food, her mind drifting in and out of the conversation. They were talking about advances in a chemical process, something about rendering a solid into a gas by using kinetic energy and not another chemical as an activator, with the aim of efficiency and speed. She found ti incredibly boring. She took a sip of the drink by her hand and almost choked. It was fruity and strong, and without a doubt, she knew it had alcolhol in it. She looked to Snoke who was watching her unsophicated reaction with the slightest hint of distant.

"Sorry, I've never had… wine before" she explained, rubbing her mouth on her napkin, and wishing she could scrub her tongue as well.

"It is quite the common practice in European countries, to accompany meals, in children as young as 14. It is really quite an American practice, to infantilize children well beyond their years, 21, it beggars belief." Snoke was saying. Rey watched as Ben sipped his own glass, though it seemed dutiful to her.

"You don't have to drink it, if you don't like it" Ben said to her.

"Though, it would be frightfully rude, if you didn't" Snoke countered, and Rey saw his eyes were not actually on her but on his star pupil. Ben didn't reply.

"I'm not really that thirsty. It's good though" Rey said placating, forcing another sip down, better now she was prepared.

The long and excruciating lunch finally ended, and they went back to the car. Rey was starting to get nervous. The little bit of wine and tiny amount of food she'd eaten roiling in her stomach as her thoughts flew to her overnight bag and the rigged-up outfit in it. Ben was quiet, and she felt like he was building up to saying something important. Of course, time had run out for avoiding the talk they had to have. Ben had graduated. With everything that had happened with Eliza, and Ben pulled so firmly away from Rey, she couldn't guess what was going on in his head anymore. But, if she was to change the future that seemed to be rushing at her, she had to do it now. A future without Ben even as a friend, was too awful to contemplate.

They dropped Snoke off at some crumbling Victoria house on the edge of town. It looked a like a murder house, Rey thought mutinously as she watched the man leave their sight. She relaxed a little, now the creepy and staring presence of the man was gone, though fresh nerves sprung up in their wake.

Ben drove to his house, and as he helped her out the car, her bag clutched in her hands, she wondered if it might be the last time. The thought made her want to cry, so she shook it off and forced gaiety, teasing Ben about Snoke, and the lunch and the ceremony and basically anything she could think of.

Inside was cool, with sunlight filtering through the floor length windows. They went to the family wing.

"Can I get you anything?" he asked, as they stopped outside his door.

"Can I have a coke?" she asked hopefully, looking forward to getting rid of the taste of the wine. He smiled widely.

"Sure"

"I'll just… get changed, if you don't mind. This isn't super comfy" she said, gesturing at the tea dress. He leaned away from her for a long moment, looking her up and down, before framing her with his fingers, their old forgotten gesture.

"What are you doing?"

"Remembering" he said simply, clicking his imaginary shutter, before ambling down the hall. Rey watched him go, and then darted into his room, her heart pounding. Once inside, she locked the door and set her bag down. She pulled out candles she'd brought, and lit them, horrified to see her hands were shaking ever so slightly. She stripped the covers off his bed, leaving a black canvas. She closed the blinds, and an intimate glow suffused the room. She took off her dress and underwear, putting it all in her bag, and then took out her outfit. She strained and struggled to climb into it, standing before the full-length mirror, she positioned the straps and ribbons until it looked more purposeful and less like a craft experiment gone awry.

She pulled her hair back in a ponytail, because she'd the hairstyle a lot during her research. It was versatile and easy to control motion through. She stopped for a long moment, her mind racing. She was going to have sex. She was going to have sex for the first time, and she was going to do it with Ben. She chose him, and she was making it happen. A knock at the door sounded, and she jumped several inches off the floor.

"You decent?" he called, and she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, wild eyed, her cheeks tinged pink with anticipation and her chest, rising and falling with excitement.

"Almost' she called back, before darting to the wardrobe and hunting for the box she'd seen. After a frantic moment, she found it, and pulled it out, picking up various items from it, she arranged them on the floor before her in a line. She went to the door and almost silently turned the lock. Scrambling back, she knelt down behind the toys of the floor, and folded her feet under her, her hands on the tops of her thigh and took a deep breath.

She was just about to change their relationship, irrevocably, and through it, change the future she could see had been speeding toward her. One where Ben left her, like her mother had, though, even worse because he's have chosen specifically to do that.

She willed her heart to stop pounding, her breath to even out. She breathed deeply and calmly, and let her heart mind focus on Ben. Her heart filled up at the thought of him and she felt that terrifying emotion strengthen her spine.

"Come in" she called.

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When Ben walked into the room, at first he couldn't make anything out, so abrupt was the departure from the light hallway.

He had lingered in the kitchen, staring out the windows to the terrace and orangery beyond. Summer was thick in the air, and the flowers and lawn were a riot of colours, each one hurting his heart even more. Rey would love the gardens in summer, he thoughts glumly. It had a been a tense day, seeing Rey and Snoke side by side. His teacher had behaved as well as Ben could expect, and he had been touched at how hard Rey had been trying to be good, grown up and well behaved, despite being tempted otherwise, he thought with a glint of humour. Rey hadn't liked Snoke, he could feel it coming off her in waves, dislike and discomfort and yet, she had put up with it for him. To make a memory worth having, Rey watching him graduate.

He knew what he had to do, to be free of the pain he felt. What to do about Rey, had been the issue on his mind for weeks. The other day in the car had shown him that there was little chance of being platonic friends. He burned for her too hotly, and she seemed to feel the same.

If he had a chance of changing himself, becoming the great man Snoke assured he could be, he must be alone, or at the very least, his heart should not be touched by another. He would be a man his parents admired and respected, someone they would listen to, when he talked. He would be a man who didn't feel his aching loneliness with every single breath, every single day. He would be a man for whom no one would cry, no one would bleed or be hurt for. A man that someone like Rey could never love, and in that way, he would keep her safe.

He stepped into the room, and blinked in the soft light.

"Rey?" he asked, setting the cold can of coke on his bedside table and turning to search for her.

He froze at the sight before him.

The golden light licked over her exposed skin, and as his shocked brain tried to take in the image, it took him a good few seconds to understand that the golden, impossibly smooth fabric Rey was wearing was her skin. As soon as that slipped into focus, everything else was visible. Bare stomach and thighs, arms and legs, the long column of her neck and the delicate collarbones beneath. He could see it all. He saw the black underwear, it was strange looking, and did little to hid her body. And it was a beautiful body, he couldn't take his eyes of it. He could see the underside of her breast, the slight, but heavy weight of those high and firm curves. He could see where her slender waist dipped in further to hug her petite ribs, and flared out to join her thighs. He went to speak, and found his mouth too dry to make a sound.

It was then he started to notice the rest. The toys, his toys, laid out before her. Her submissive position, her head bent, her eyes lowered. A forest fire ripped through him at the image from his deepest and darkest fantasies, plucked from that secret place, and kneeling before him.

"Rey" he managed to croak after a long moment. She didn't answer, just waited for him to do something, say something else. The whole moment was incredibly surreal.

"Rey, what are you doing?" he asked again, and she continued to ignore him, though he could see a fierce blush working up her chest.

"Answer me" he suddenly commanded, and the shift in tone made her jump to attention. She shifted slightly, her ponytail bobbing behind her as her hazel eyes flicked to his for the tiniest second.

"I want to be with you, in your way" she said, and he admired how her voice barely wavered.

"Explain" he commanded again, sinking into the chair she had placed before her, looking down his legs at her, ignoring the urge to cover her shoulders with a towel.

"I know what you think is wrong with you. It doesn't have to be wrong, there is nothing wrong with you. I want to show you" she said quietly. He wanted to laugh and cry all at once.

"I know you feel guilty about Eliza, of course you do. But it's not your fault." She said, suddenly tilting her head up and fixing him with a determined look.

"I want you." She continued, suddenly, and her bravery made his own cowardice even more clear. _Why?_ He ignored the voice in his head, the one that urged him to consider the damage Rey must have endured in her short life, to want someone like him. Someone so thoroughly broken.

"Don't you want me?" she suddenly asked, her voice sounding so very small. It was painful, the way she was looking at him, her trusting face so open and warm, her eyes full of hope and optimism. And, as it always did, those strong emotions, the answer to her call, were drowned by a hard flush of anger. It skittered along his veins, and behind came its fellow spectre, his old friend. Fear. It had already started, he realised, his corruption of the perfection that was Rey. The taint of her light. His presence in her life had already started to infect her. She would be sharing a room with Eliza any day now.

His heart was being torn in two. The part that beat for her, was made whole and better by her was being destroyed with the other part of him, the dark and destructive part that revelled in her submission and wished to visit every fantasy he had ever harboured over her beautiful, unsullied face and body. To have Rey, the shining beacon of survival and triumph over adversity kneeling at his feet. It made him feel ten feet tall, and like dirt simultaneously.

"Get up" he said softly. She sprang to her feet immediately, interrupting his order as a beginning of the scene.

"Put clothes on" he snapped, suddenly afraid his restraint was hanging by a thread, and so white hot anger at himself for letting this happen. She faltered, instead approaching him carefully.

"Ben, what's wrong?" she asked hesitantly. He bit back an incredulous laugh.

"What's wrong? Look at yourself." He gestured at her outfit, close up he could see it was her own handiwork, and the thought of her applying herself to such a task actually hurt.

"You – you don't like it?" she asked, and he closed his eyes tight, torn apart anew. The words to reassure her that it was more than anyone had ever offered him, that it made him feel things he didn't know he could.

That he loved her, he had for a long time, and it scared him to death. But then, the part of him that had worried how he would push her away saw its opportunity. The part that longed for her to have normal relationships and a simple, joyful, uncomplicated love saw its chance.

"I don't see you that way Rey. Please, put some clothes on" he said, his voice tight, silently begging her not to see the obvious lie in her eyes.

"You did last week, in the car" she argued back, or course she would, because Rey did not really have a submissive bone in her body. She might be acting like it, willing to play that part to please him, but she was untameable and wild, and he loved her even more for it.

"Well, when you jump on a guy and grind about on their lap, that tends to happen. It doesn't mean that we should try to be anything more" he said, and saw the hurt of his words hit her. She frowned, her hands hesitating at her sides, as she obviously squashed the instinct to cover herself.

"Don't lie to me Ben. Before we went to New York, you wanted us to be together. I know it." She said, looking him right in the eye.

"Ok, I did feel that way, for a second. It passed and reality came back. You're just a kid"

"If you say that one more time-" she warned, crossing her arms.

"You'll what?"

"It's a bullshit excuse and you know it" she stated, her cheeks blazing, her eyes boring into his. He stood over her, so close he could touch her, and how he longed to touch her. He could already imagine how soft and warm her skin would be. She was staring at him angrily, and he could feel her hurt pride, the sting of his rejection resting on her vulnerable form.

"You're so afraid. I didn't realise you were such a coward" She whispered, and he flinched at the words.

"Well, at least I'm not prostituting myself for affection" he snapped back. As soon as the words were said, the fear magnified a million-fold. She blinked, and her mouth twisted. He had hurt her, he could see it.

"I guess you think it runs in the family, right? Like mother like daughter" she pressed. The words made him sick, and he longed to refute them, to apologise and castrate himself at her feet, but the he was frozen still.

"I know you're trying to push me away. I know you, Ben Solo" she said suddenly, and his flailing heart grabbed onto it.

"You don't know me, kid" he said, turning away, a feeling resignation falling over him, so completely it was all he could do not to sit down and weep. He grabbed a hoodie from the back of the door and handed it to her. This time she covered up, pushing her slim arms into the long sleeves.

"You don't know me, and you don't know yourself" he said.

"Don't tell me-"

"You don't know what's best for you, because believe me, it's not me, it's not us"

"That's my choice"

"Yeah, well, it's a bad one. And one you're not old enough to make" His head jerked sharply to the side as he slapped him. It echoed in the sudden silence that followed it.

"I warned you not to call me young again" she breathed angrily.

"And I warned you - to get away from me, while you still can" he breathed, stepping in closer to her, mirroring her posture. He could feel her breath on his face, her eyes, wide and angry and beautiful beyond measure.

"Why are you so scared?" she murmured, her eyes searching his face for the answer.

"Why aren't you?" he asked, and suddenly felt her hands come up to his cheeks and pull his face to hers. She kissed him hard, biting at his lips, trying to gain entry with her tongue, and it was a long moment before he pulled back.

"I have to take you home" he said, with a solemn finality. She kept looking up into his face, and he was horrified to find his eyes feeling wet.

"You don't really know me Rey. The Ben you know, believe it or not, was the best version of me, as shit as he was. The real me, underneath that Ben – he's a monster" he said softly. A tear ran suddenly down Rey's cheek, and he caught it.

"Don't waste your tears on a dead boy. You don't know me, and I'm glad. I'm so glad. I break everything I touch. I would break you too. I would to tie you to that bed and fuck you so hard so for so long, your heart beats my name and you couldn't walk for a week. I would dedicate myself to enslaving your body, your heart and soul." Rey is looking warily at him, biting her lip, and he pushes on, trying desperately to make her understand.

"I would pay for your college, so you'll always be indebted to me, and I can know where you are at all times. I would make you live in my apartment, so I can be sure that you'll be there when I get home, so I can relax and stop worrying that you might not be. I would get you pregnant as quickly as possible, so your future was bound to mine. Forever. No take backs. No outs. I would do all those things because that is who I am, that's how my mind works. I would chain you to me with invisible bonds of guilt, debt and desire until you lost yourself."

Rey is just staring at him, wide eyed, and he sees with deflated satisfaction that he has indeed reached her.

"And now you see, you should be more afraid of me. I'm not a good man, Rey. I never will be. So give this up now."

"Why do you hate yourself, so much?" she asked, another tear dripping down her cheek.

"The real question, the one that you would start to ask yourself before too long, is why don't you hate me more… and then …you would."

"Get dressed. I'll be downstairs" he said, and turned away. With every step to the door he knew he was doing irreparable damage, leaving her in tears, confused and hurt behind him. That was what he wanted, he reminded himself, to have her hate him. To save her. It was all to save her, he reminded himself, not letting himself dwell on why he felt like such a coward.

As she finally came downstairs, breaking his brooding, alone in the dark on the bottom stair, she looked defiant. She might be down, but she wasn't beaten. He admired that.

"I can't understand you, Ben. I... this is pathetic" she said, wincing as she said the words, but seemingly unable not to. His pride, tattered as it was tore further at her tone. He didn't care much what people thought about him, except Rey. She seemed to be the exception to every rule he had ever made.

"Pathetic is trying to find a way for us to fit into each others lives. What do you even think my parents would say? You're nothing, you come come no one, there isn't a place for you here" the words were dispassionate, just a frank contrast of their unpbringings, something he couldn't care less about, but as soon as he'd finished speaking, he saw the hurt fill her eyes. And just like that he succeeded in severing the gossamer chord between them.

"Let's go" she said tightly, gripping her bag to her chest.

* * *

Jack never asked why she came home early. The car ride back had been silent as a tomb, with each second building up more and more things they would never say to each other, the painful regret of words unspoken between two people who had meant so much to each other for a bright and burning moment.

She had looked at him in before getting out, the overhead lights harsh and flat above them. He had refused to meet her eyes, and so she had left, unable to watch the boy she loved destroy himself for one more second, ignoring her help. Ignoring her offer of love. It hurt too much. She hurt for him and because of him at the same time. He didn't want her, and he didn't want her to want him either. And he was too much of a coward to try. She heard the car reversing, and then crunch of the tires along the gravel.

She didn't look back.

* * *

 **And that's all folks! Well, for Rey and Ben at this age... We will have a time jump starting in the next chapter.**

 **Please please, let me know what you think... I've never had this problem of knowing if people like or hate a fic... except for a dedicated few commenters, thanks you guys, you always make me smile...Princess Force, Xanderlike, Chat-Later, Icbacteria, Ashleyespi and Safy Pouncer!**


	11. The spaces in-between

Hello all! I'm so sorry to have gotten so behind, and to have changed something again.

 **I wasn't happy with the direction of the story, and just couldn't seem to get it to click... so I figure better to go back and make something good than plough on regardless.**

 **Sorry if it puts you off! For those continuing, we've nothing is change up to the time jump - teenage Ben and Rey remained the same.**

 **Here are some snapshots of their time apart during the 6 years in between - I will go ahead and post all the ones I've done in advance... let me know what you think!**

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 _ **Ben**_

 _"Tell me where's your hiding place, I'm worried I'll forget your face"_

 _Cornerstone – Artic Monkeys_

The bar man placed the fogged pint glass on the scarred wooden bar top, endless circles marring the once deep golden brown. It was cold inside, that particular, English winter wetness, that fogged the mirror over the bar and sent tendrils of discomfort snaking around his ankles whenever the door was pushed open, which was only every few seconds. He took a drink of the bitter ale in front of him, and caught sight of her in the tarnished reflection over the bar. As always, the rest faded to sepia behind her vividness. Faces from classes and the library disappearing into a blur, and that encroaching gloom he often saw hanging over his head lifting for a moment, in the face of her light. She was laughing, unwrapping a long cream scarf from around her neck, her hair pulled away from her face, and the humid air of the pub curling the tiniest strands around her face. She settled onto the barstool next to him.

 _Rey_.

Never far from his thoughts, her silent presence kept him company while he lingered, willing her phantom arm to brush his, or her ghostly eyes to find him, until he eventually drained his glass, and pushed his way to the swinging door, avoiding a big group of students crowding in, exclaiming in happiness at the warmth inside. He stepped out into the bitter cold, turning the collar of his coat up, and Rey watched him go.

 _Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer_

 _Skinny Love- Bon Iver_

The man who used to be Ben Solo, tore out the door, the terrible words that had just spilt from Han's lips had fallen like blood on the white marble of the foyer, and Ben felt the terrible fear and shame choking him seal his words inside himself, a forgotten tomb of secrets, so old it had become a piece of his soul.

He was shaking, an unfamiliar sensation, he registered as he staggered from the door in time to see his father's car pull angrily out the courtyard and down the drive, almost clipping a security guard who was walking past. The tire marks were lost in the rain, the heavens had opened, and Ben ran after the taillights, red beacons in the darkness. The rain soaked quickly through his clothes, freezing him to the bone, and still he ran. He felt for a moment fate had sent him hurling on this path, since he'd been the little boy that love forgot. He might have tried to turn from it, but he had still ended up here.

Chasing a light in the encroaching darkness.

Gradually, the lights disappeared around a far-off bend, and still he ran. Ran through the dark, howling night, ran from his past and his pain. A gimmer of white flashed in the trees to this left and he didn't need to glance over to see her, keeping pace with him.

 _Hurry Ben, faster_

The sound of the crash echoed in the surrounding countryside, tires squealing, brakes failing and then, the slow roll and crush of metal and glass exploding inwards. His feet tripped on the asphalt and his momentum sent him headlong on the road. His breathed knocked from his chest, he gulped down air as blood welled along the deep cuts decorating the side of his face and hands, as the rain poured down on him. He could barely see though the deluge, could only make out the dimly white clad figure standing over him, hand outstretched.

 _Get up Ben. Get up now_

And then, there were sirens, and a car was stopping beside him, the headlights cutting through the rain where she'd stood. She was gone, and he was alone.

 _Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything_

 _Hurt – Johnny Cash_

Hux' eyes watched as he gestured the girl forward. The remains of their debauched evening littered every surface. Empty bottles and broken glass, cigarette butts and white powder. He could see other top management engaging in some questionable activities around the room, lost in their own madness. The girl, he couldn't remember her name now, had been watching him all evening, no doubt drawn to the same darkness that seemed to call to others to him, broken and hopeless.

Eventually, in a haze of anaesthetic, the world foggy and pain free, he held a hand out to her. The resemblance was more than passing, especially through his clouded eyes, and it would have to be more than passing for Hux to have noticed. She put her hand in his, and he leaned into the curve of her neck, breathing in deeply. Disappointment lanced through him.

"Kylo?" the girl breathed, leaning away, her voice was all wrong. He felt his heart twist with longing.

He saw her then, standing in the doorway, watching him, her beautiful face, still just 16 years old, looking sadder than he had seen in long years.

"Don't speak" Kylo instructed quietly the girl in his arms, his fingers digging into the soft skin of her arm, hard enough to mark. Her pupils dilated and her smile widened just a touch.

Rey turned away.

* * *

 _ **Rey**_

 _Cause I've been scared of crowded places_

 _Crowded Places – Banks_

Her graduation gown fluttered around her legs as she stood to take her place in the queue snaking up the stairs to the stage. The tassel on her hat tickled her neck as she turned her head to the crowd. So many people, so many parents, so many friends. Everybody had someone here for them, even her. The junkie's kid. The orphan, the outcast, the nobody.

When she strode across the stage, her step was true. She had earned this graduation, paid for in sweat and tears and she was going to enjoy it. The Principle gave her hand a slight squeeze as he handed over her diploma and she turned to audience, and trained her eyes to the seats near the back. Jack was standing, alight with pride as he held up his phone for a picture. The seat beside him was empty for one moment, and then filled, a flickering spectre clapping just as hard as her uncle, a rare smile lighting up his face. The bright sun shone down, and she posed with a triumphant smile, as Ben raised his finger to an imaginary shutter – to remember, and she could almost hear his voice. _Rey proves them wrong_

 _What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you_

 _Wicked Game – Chris Isaak_

The smell of cheap beer and body spray was almost overpowering, Rey thought, as she shifted on the squishy couch of the house. She hated these parties, but hated sitting at home alone at the same time, so here she was, watching her friends act like idiots, and sipping a luke-warm beer in a sticky cup.

She watched Finn and Rose dancing, so sweetly, despite the crush of sweating bodies. They were pressed together with honest intent, Finn's hands holding his girlfriend of 4 years close to him, turning her now and again to avoid her being jostled or pushed. It seemed chaste compared to a drunken couple next to them that looked like they were in danger of gyrating through the wall. Yet, it was Rose and Finn that looked suggestive to Rey. In the gentle brushes of Finn's lips against the pink shell of Rose' ear, in the way her fingertips smoothed tiny circles on Finn's chest. In the tilt of their heads, both locked onto each other with an intensity that drowned out the crowd. It was intimacy, and it was just theirs.

It was in those moments, when her loneliness felt like a physical weight in her chest, and her heart filled up with longing like an ocean, the pitch and yawn dragging her endlessly to and forth, that he would come. Tonight, she saw him moving through the bodies of the frat house, an invisible reveller. He stood behind her shoulder, kept her company while she tried her best to fit in. He felt so solid and real, she almost felt the brush of his long fingers on the tendrils of hair at her nape, and then it was gone, leaving only a memory of fire.

 _It's a terrible love that I'm walking in,_

 _It's quiet company_

 _Terrible Love - The National_

Rey pushed the completed orders to the side and waited for the customers to take them, people searching for their names. The fall light was gentle outside the long windows, and she was looking forward to getting home and watching a spooky movie with Finn, as was their Halloween tradition.

"Order up, Rey" someone said, tapping a waiting empty cup on the counter to attract her attention.

"Right, sorry" she muttered, pulling her attention back to the cup, turning it to see the ticked boxes, and then filling the espresso filters with caramel smelling ground coffee beans. She watched the dark liquid seep into the cup, before she started to add the hot water. Snapping on a lid, she carried it to the collection area and turned it in her hand, searching for the name.

Ben S

Her hand shook with the surprise of seeing that name, scrawled in real black ink against the white paper. She looked up, suddenly expecting to see him there, towering over her, his dark eyes unchanged since they day he had walked out her life. She saw his ghost shifting in the dying light, his daily vigil. All that was left, tracing her steps and dogging her thoughts, teenage Ben, even after so long.

As for real people, no one came, and she stood holding the hot cup for a long time, eyes searching. Always searching. Gradually, she set the cup down on the table, and took a deep breath. Reaching out a fingertip, she rotated the cup inch by inch to see the name.

Beth S

"Beth" she called immediately, a girl rushed over, with a stirrer and sugar packet in hand.

"Sorry, for the delay" she muttered, turning back to the machine.


	12. In the web that is my own I begin again

_**6 years later**_

The lazy summer warmth of a June night wrapped around her as she stepped from the community centre and swung her bag onto her shoulder.

The smells of the city were comforting, food and fumes, as she wrapped her long hair up in a topknot, her face shiny with the sweat of her workout. She felt her phone vibrate on her pocket.

"What's wrong, I'm almost home" she warned as she paused on the bottom of the steps to her walk up.

"There's no food in here. Like nothing…" Finn said over the line. She signed and turned toward the parade of shops just a little further down.

"What were you thinking of?"

A little while later, she made her way up the three floor walk-up, a hot pizza box in her hands, for only a mere moment, until the door along the hall whipped open, and it was whisked away.

"You're an angel" Finn said, disappearing inside with the pizza.

"Not that I mind, but why aren't you at your new place?" She asked, kicking the door closed behind her, and setting her bag down. Finn was sitting on the couch, pizza box already open before him, and Catherine was lounging in her door way. Two bedroom, third floor walk up, it was small and old fashioned, and Rey loved it. Yes, making rent every month could get a bit dicey but it was her place, and she was proud of it.

"Rose doesn't mind… she's at work" Finn said, his mouth already full of cheese and bread.

"Really? I thought she was off until Saturday" Rey muttered.

"Someone called in sick"

"And let me guess, they chose Rose to beg to work extra, because that girl is an actual angel and can't say no to anybody" Rey breathed, grabbing a piece of pizza, and offering some to her new roommate.

Catherine had just moved in, coming to city for a position in a start-up company, her last hurrah before dedicating her life to academia. The timing had been perfect for Rey, as Finn had just moved in with Rose. While she was happy to see her favourite childhood sweethearts take the next step, she missed coming home to her best friend too.

"I'm fine" Catherine murmured, before retreating to her room.

"So, how's your gang of misguided youths coming along?" Finn asked, kicking up his feet on the coffee table, in his usual position, as Rey curled up opposite him.

"Not so differently from us, I guess, at that age"

"Yeah, but, these kids will be able to defend themselves" Finn muttered.

"I hope so" Rey said as she picked a piece of pepperoni off her slice.

"Poe's back, at the weekend. I'm picking him at the airport"

"Wow, that went fast" Rey muttered, thinking about the last time she saw her friend, at Charles De Gualle airport in Paris. They had just had a huge fight, and she had felt like crying, then he had kissed her on the forehead and left, unwilling to see her disappear through security.

"He asks about you" Finn said quietly.

"What do you tell him?"

"Oh the usual, that you're the same as always, married to your work and you have no time for dating."

"It's the truth" Rey said. Finn studied her moment longer.

"If the right guy came along, you'd find time Rey, that's the truth. You and Poe should just be friends, and it sucks that he feels that way about you, and has done for so long… but you don't owe him anything. You've always been clear with him" Finn said, and she looked up at him, surprised.

"Rose and I talked about it" he said, colouring faintly as he turned away.

"Well, she's a wise woman"

"Believe me, I am aware" he said with a smile and Rey felt her heart twist with longing for a moment.

"You see, you two have ruined me for life, given me these great expectations" she complained as Finn turned on the TV. Finn snorted in response.

"Please, it's not all roses, pun intended" he said, laughing as Rey lobbed a pillow at his head.

"But seriously, relationships are hard, and there are a lot of bad parts. But if the good parts outweigh them, that's the goal" he said.

"This is all very sage advice for someone with an orange moustache" Rey said seriously, before tucking into Finn's side and turning to the TV.

* * *

The next morning, Rey dressed in her usual painting grab of paint splattered jeans and an old vest, pulled her hair up into a bun and sat down at her latest piece, coffee in hand.

It was coming along, the skeleton of the image was there, and she was starting to think about colour and texture, filling in and broadening out. It was already getting warm, and she had opened all the windows, enjoying the smells of frying meet and kimchi from the Korean downstairs, missed with the smell of acrylic and coffee.

It was a perfect New York morning here in Brooklyn, she thought happily, as she hoped off her stool and got to work. Catherine had left early, the only one of her friends to be working a traditional office 9-5, though at First Order Finance, it seemed more like 7-10. It seemed strange to see her suited and booted, blonde hair pulled into an elegant chignon, grey blazer crisp and professional, in their undoubtedly artsy flat. Antiques and keepsakes from travels dotted the counter tops, art, both homemade and picked up on the way decorated the walls. Rey's bedroom itself had a mural wall, she'd painted when she'd first arrived. It was the woods by Jack's. She'd needed something to ground her and comfort her. It didn't matter that the tree where she'd first spoken to Ben was in it. It comforted her and made her smile.

Her cell phone rang on the counter and she groaned, seeing the name of her boss. They were going to ask her to cover someone tonight, her supposed night off. She worked as a hostess at the gentlemen's club called Resistance. It was full of drunken business man from all over, having meetings and ordering outrageous amounts of expensive liquor. But they weren't handsy, and the management were strict on rude customers. She didn't like it, but she couldn't deny the pay was essential for her to keep time to paint and volunteer. She tried to paint as much as she could, though recently she had started helping Jessika, who had taken over the reins of her uncle's business, an interior design company, and she had taken Rey with her once to an interview. They had been booked, and the client had requested Rey's eye for the artwork for the hallways in the palatial mansion. It wasn't quite being the artist she wished to be one day, but it was in the art world and interesting, beside, it helped Jessika. Since then, Rey optimistically submitted some of her own pieces in her design portfolio, though she was yet to be asked about them.

Later as she munched through the sandwich she'd cobbled together, she got into her work outfit. Hostessing at the Resistance came with a standard uniform of short, formal shorts and a sleeveless blouse tucked in. She could at least be grateful the tops weren't low cut, though the shorts probably made up for it, with the wide expanse of leg they revealed. Rey put on make up, another requirement of the job and caught her hair half up half down. It wasn't her thing, dressing up fancy in impractical clothes, and she was pretty sure it showed. But a job was a job, she reminded herself grimly as she caught the train into the city.

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Catherine Phasma watched the clock in her cubicle count down to 10pm. She was sitting casually, scrolling through work emails, and watching as one by one, cubicle lights went off, and people left for the evening. She was nervous. She didn't want it to get too much later, it might look suspicious if she stayed in the office too far beyond 10pm. If only everyone was considerate of her timetable, she thought sourly, glancing at the glass office in the middle of the open plan work space, where harsh light emanated into the surrounding darkness, and she could see a dark head bent over spreadsheets. All the man did was work, or have secret conference calls with the CEO. Abruptly, he stood, all 6 ft 3 of him towering over his desk and cracked his neck, back and forth, his hands loosening his tie. Catherine practically gaped at his evidence that her boss, Kylo Ren, was in fact human, and not a cyborg. He stared into the darkness beyond his office and his eyes immediately fixed on her lit cubicle.

He watched a moment, as she pretended to be busy. Out the corner of her eye, she saw his light flick off. She held her breath as she clicked into an excel spread sheet and randomly looked at the figure in it.

"Phasma. Burning the midnight oil?" he asked suddenly, emerging soundlessly from the darkness. She jumped, her nerves higher than ever.

"Yes, I just wanted to finish something for the Wolsely account" she said, cursing her dry mouth. She turned slightly and glanced up at her boss, the man who used to be called Ben Solo. He was inscrutable. He studied her in silence, his hard jaw clenched, his calculating eyes on her computer.

"Try and see to it that you manage your work load within the working day." He finished instructed, and she nodded, a little embarrassed at the rebuke.

"Remind me, what brought a journalism major to finance? I seemed to recall your parents being teachers" he said suddenly. She was shocked he remembered her at all, never mind her parents. She was also surprised he remembered her major without her c.v in front of him.

"Professors" she corrected instinctively, before shrugging.

"There's no money in teaching" she said, hoping he would accept her weak justification. The stare went on a moment more, and just when she was about to fidget, something she never did, he nodded to her, dismissing her, settling his coal black coat over his black suit, despite the warm summer and heading toward the doors. She shivered in his absence.

There was something so creepy about Kylo Ren, she thought, thinking of the watercooler gossip she had heard about him. That he was a control freak who never showed affection or humour, or basically any other human emotion. She had heard he was estranged from his mother, and of course, there was that business with his father.

She remembered Ben Solo from high school, a loner, a misfit, violent and lonely, but then, weren't they all. Catherine certainly had been, but she had used those feelings to push her to make some friends, get out her comfort zone. She thought of Rey, and instantly felt the same shame that had dogged her since she'd moved in with her. Rey had no idea that Catherine was working for the boy who had torn her heart in two during high school. Catherine didn't want to stir all that up again, and anyway, as far as she was concerned, there didn't seem to be much left of the boy Rey had cried over. It was better this way, she told herself as she slipped her elicit thumb drive out the concealed bottom of her coffee cup, and made her way to Kylo Ren's office to get the scoop of the century.

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"Don't watch the staff, all you'll see is the end hitting you in the face. Watch my shoulders, my eyes, see my intentions, and move to block where I will be" she said, shifting her staff slowly into an attack arch, while signalling strongly with her body her intensions.

Her staff struck another with a hollow clack, and she stepped back smiling.

"Well done! You are getting better everyday, Layla" she said, resisting the urge to reach out and ruffle the hair of the girl standing before her. Her expression as hard, already so hard for a 14 year old as she rolled her eyes sarcastically.

"Whatever you say" she said, popping more gum in her mouth, and moving to sit down against the wall. Rey knew it was a front, just like she'd had at that age, and she also knew that Layla was pleasing, there was a hint of pride in her eyes as she sat amongst the younger students, who were shooting envious looks her way.

"Ok, that's it for today. We will pick up on Wednesday, I hope to see everyone there. If you can't come, text me, so I know you're ok" she called, knowing it was mostly useless, but wanting to try anyway. She wanted them to know she would be there if they really needed her, at the other of the phone, anytime.

Knights of Ren was a beat down community centre at the heart of the neighbourhood, and it just used to be a free masons venue. However, Rey had found that by volunteering at a local youth centre, there weren't enough activities to keep the kids occupied and out of trouble at night. Not to mention, there were far too many girls, some as young as 12, who were completely vulnerable and in bad living situations.

She had started a mixed martial arts defence classes for girls, at the centre, which had plenty of hall space for hire. She had wanted the class to be mixed, but as the girls ended up not participating if there were boys around, which frustrated her, but Rey had to remind herself to take baby steps. They gave her the hall space for next to nothing, which was necessary, given she had next to nothing left over to pay with. She had about 15 regular students now, and the cause was very dear to her heart, another reason she couldn't afford to give up her hostess job just now.

She watched the girls file out, friendships already formed amongst them, and she hoped that would help keep them safe.

"Miss?' she turned to see one of her younger students, a very shy girl waiting for her, fidgeting nervously.

"What is it Anayah?" she asked, gathering up her blocks and punching pads, transferring them into a carrying bag.

"I was wondering, when are you going to start up a boys class?" she asked tentatively.

"I don't know, I don't really have enough time or money to do it, why, do you know someone who wants to come?" Anayah nodded.

"My brother" she said quietly. Rey hunkered picked up her heavy bag and started for the door, holding it open for Anayah.

"How old is he?"

"16" Anayah said. Rey bit her lip. 16 was old for class, and he was a boy, meaning he'd be much stronger than the rest.

"Why do you want him to come?" she probed. Anayah looked down, at her hands, anywhere but at Rey, and spoke at length.

"He's always getting in fights. There's these boys, they used to be friends, they used to come over to our house sometimes, but I guess they fell out, and now Mikey doesn't like them anymore. Sometimes he just comes home and goes straight to his room, he doesn't speak to any of us, not like mama tries anyway, and later when I go in there, he's been bleeding" Anayah said, with a worried noted in her voice. Rey rested her hand on the young girls' shoulder.

"I'm sorry, it's hard, being a teenager, sometimes it's really hard. I'll tell you what, bring Mikey by on Friday, he can see what he thinks and we'll see what the other girls say" Rey said, and was rewarded with a bright smile appearing on Anayah's pinched little face.

"Here, no one finished these" she said, passing the bag of orange slices to Anayah, who took them a little too quickly.

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The next evening, Rey was gulping down a quick glass of wine before her friends arrived at the pub they were meeting for dinner at. It wasn't that she was nervous to see him, just that she might need a little liquid courage to make the conversation run smoothly.

"Starting without us, I see" Poe's warm voice brushed her ear as he leaned into her from behind and placed a soft kiss on her cheek. She felt her cheeks scorch red, as she slid further into the booth and gave him a smile.

"Hello, sunshine" he said with a grin. He looked good, tan and lithe, all dark stubble and flashing white teeth. Then he was sliding into the booth, pulling her close for a long hug, apparently deciding that just a kiss on the cheek wasn't enough. He smelled great, she knew it on every level. He leaned away, leaving his warm palm warming her spine as his eyes fairly twinkled into hers.

"Happy to see me? Or… not really, after Paris" he asked softly, tipping his head to the side. Rey shook her head adamantly.

"Of course, happy, I'm always happy to see you." She said. Poe watched her, not missing the way she couldn't hold his gaze for too long, or the tremor in her fingers.

"Rey, I did a lot of thinking once you'd left Paris, and I just think we are going about this all wrong. I'm sorry I pressured you, it wasn't my intention. I never want you to feel uncomfortable with me. Ever" he said, taking her hand and pressing a kiss onto the back.

Rey gulped, afraid that Finn's reasonable advice didn't seem to have taken with his best friend. She was thankfully saved from having to answer by a loud shriek she recognised as Jess's, and turned to see Jess, Rose and Finn approaching. She didn't see how Poe caught her thankful expression, his own turning a little pensive even as he turned to greet his friends.

Rey ate sparingly, listening to the conversation flowing around her. It was hard to see Poe and hear him talk about Paris without feeling all the confusion and shame she associated with it, since she'd last seen him.

6 years ago, Rey had never gone to prom with Poe. The night she had gotten home from Ben's graduation, she had gone to bed, and stayed there for several days. She couldn't eat or drink, and Jack had only prised her out by threatening to go to the Solo's and demanding answers from Ben himself.

So, Rey had dusted herself off, and put on a happy face, well happy enough for her, and trudged on. She'd feigned illness as an excuse for prom, and afterwards, she had never really told her Insorto friends about Ben. Surprisingly, Catherine Phasma had been the only one she'd told, when she'd run into her at the library during a scorching summer where she had looked for Ben around every corner with equal parts longing and horror. Only Phasma had known Ben, and she told her, when pressed. She had agonised wondering if he had left already, and had slowly started to accept that she'd never know. She wasn't part of his life anymore. The pain of that realisation had taken a long time to develop, and then, when it was at full bloom, it had last a long time too, as did its slow ebbing.

Rey was someone who had been disappointed by people she'd loved, her mother and absentee father laying the path for the dysfunctional way she would form attachments afterwards. When she had met Ben, her soul had met its match, and her heart had latched on, without realising that there were two people in that equation. Ben hadn't wanted what she'd offered him. She'd had nothing to offer him, except herself, and he hadn't wanted it. The trauma of that had stayed with her. It had affected her in ways she could barely recognised, so far-reaching were they.

The main one, and the one she planned to start therapy for as soon as she could afford it, was her sex life, or lack thereof.

In college, Rey had drank and partied with the same reckless abandon that her peers had. She had kissed guys in bars and at parties, sometimes even letting them get below her clothes, but always seemed to sober enough to realise that her body was unresponsive. She had gone on dates sparingly, too invested in her studies and working part time to make ends meet. Jack had given her many gifts, a real home for one, someone to love her, a father figure, and her college education was just one of them. Toward the time for applying for college, Jack had sat her down at the scarred kitchen table in the cottage and asked what her plans were.

 _"I don't have any plans. I haven't really thought that far ahead" Rey had muttered, not saying that the subject was particularly difficult for her, and do almost anything to avoid it._

 _"Well, I'm told it's time to get going with all that"_

 _"Told by whom?" she'd asked accusingly._

 _"Finn. Who told me that Rose told him to call, so I know it's true" Jack had said, before reaching out and pulling a bank book from his pocket._

 _"Now, I now it won't cover everything, but it's not too late to apply for a scholarship, and I'm afraid you'll have to work, for living money and that, but I know you're not afraid of hard graft… but it's a start" he had mumbled, seeming embarrassed about the whole situation. Rey had taken the little book in her hands and stared numbly at the amount in the savings, and then noting the name near the top of the page._

 _"It's your money Rey, everything left over from your mothers – passing, and I had savings, being a bachelor my whole life, and I've added everything I could over the years."_

 _"Jack, its more than a start – I can't take this, this is yours, and you should use it to do something you want to do…"_

 _"What I want is for you to go to college. First in the family, my girl – that's what I want, if you want to" Rey had felt a tear run down her cheek at his soft proud words._

And so, Rey had gone to college, close enough to still visit Jack every month, because that mattered more to her than the fear of running into Ben in the city.

Her time at NYU had changed her. Challenged her and scared her and pushed her. She had loved every second of it, her terrible stats at dating notwithstanding.

She had seen Poe during it, as he was studying the same as Phasma, Journalism. He'd gotten a serious girlfriend the very first week of classes, and that had lasted a long time, several years in fact. It wasn't until the last year of school, when they'd been celebrating Independence Day, that Poe had kissed Rey for the first time.

She remembered it like it was yesterday. She'd only had a handful of meaningful kisses to treasure, and more than half of them belonged to someone it still hurt to think about. Poe's kiss, on the roof top of Rose' dorm, watching July fourth fireworks, while Finn burned the hotdogs, and she had a warm, cheap beer bottle hanging from her fingertips, watching the coloured lights appear over the city she was falling in love with again, was something to be remembered. He had been leaning against the railing with her, his arm casually brushing hers with increasingly frequency, and then, it had been slipping around her and pulling her close into his side. She'd turned to him with a smile, ready to tease him, when his lips had met hers. They had kissed for only a short moment, sweet and chaste, and she had leaned away to see his sincere eyes holding hers.

"I very much want to do that again, if I can" he'd murmured, and she'd nodded, half dazed and surprised. And so, he had kissed her again, stronger, sweeter, until Finn's catcall had broken the moment, and Poe had pretended to throw his bottle at him.

That night he'd walked her home, tentatively holding her hand, and kissed her again outside her apartment.

 _"Poe, I'm flattered, I really am…"_

 _"Don't Rey, don't say what you're just about to"_

 _"I just-" she let out a long breath, shoulders rounding in defeat._

 _"I'm just not girlfriend material"_

 _"Hey, you take that back, that's my friend you're talking about" Poe had threatened before pulling her back into a lingering kiss._

" _Sunshine, you couldn't be more wrong about that, but its ok, I'll show you"_

They had seen each other for dates separately from then a few times, nothing too serious, Poe seeming to know instinctively that it was hard for Rey. She never told him why she shied away from greater intimacy.

Rey knew though. She stared at her naked body, and felt there nothing there to appreciate, nothing she wanted to share. She had shown it to someone she had loved, and he hadn't wanted it. She knew it was a simplistic interpretation of events, and knew she should be better than that, but she wasn't.

She had told Rose some of it, Rose, who was putting her huge brain to good use and becoming a physiatrist. Rose had talked to her about it at length, well, made Rey do most of the talking. She had reasoned, at length, that what had happened with Ben had actually traumatised her, which seemed odd, after all she'd been through before. Rose suggested that maybe, just maybe, she hadn't really processed all the changes that had happened to her in that year she'd met Ben. Losing her mother, her neighbourhood, the odd collection of constants she'd had, meagre as they'd been, and moving to Jacks, a new school, new town. All that fear and change and loss had coalesced around Ben, someone who Rey had identified with, had felt understood by, and had put an inappropriate amount of emotion into what essentially was only about a year long friendship. Maybe she had projected things onto Ben, given him a role to fill, responsibilities to hold over her, that he wasn't emotionally equipped for himself.

Yes, he had rejected her harshly, but through Rose' eyes, she had finally started to see that maybe there had been a kindness there, underneath everything else. Would sleeping with Ben, someone she was helplessly in love with, in some strange twisted scene in which she played the sacrificial virgin, laid on the alter of his needs, and nothing for her but his presence, would it have been something she'd have regretted, even more than his harsh rejection? She could never know, but she did start to understand that she had been messed up long before she met Ben Solo, and even now, with her difficulty with intimacy, may well had been created in that pressure cooker of teenage hormones, first love and unresolved feelings of loss and abandonment issues.

She thought all these things when she was feeling kind. Kind to past Ben and past teenage Rey, who were both just messed up kids who'd hurt each other and made mistakes. So, as an adult, she was a virgin, and not one who was particularly in a hurry about becoming intimate with someone, maybe she never would. Not everyone was sexual, and, given her mothers past, who even knows what other issues Rey harboured deep in her psyche.

In her harsher, less kind moments, she hated that boy with the flashing eyes and the seldom smile with a deep intensity that whispered of unresolved love and hated herself for allowing him in so far in the first place. She'd had no walls, when she'd met Ben, not to his brand of brokenness. And he had stormed in and taken the fortress of her heart, only to abandon it later, once it had been wrecked.

Poe's hand brushed hers as she reached for another sip of her wine. The contact brought her back to Paris, and a hotel room nestled in the 18th Arrondissement, surrounded by snow dusted streets.

 _Her bag fell with a hard jangle in the silence of the room, as Rey walked backwards, with Poe slipping his hands around her waist. The wine at dinner swam through her veins, as he kissed her neck, and she let her yes fall closed. She could so this, it felt good, and safe, and she wanted so very much to be the girl who would let a sweet, kind man make love to her in the most romantic city in the world. Paris dripped sex, from the food and art to the Parisian couples in the restaurant they had eaten in, chicly brazen in their desire for each other._

 _Poe's mouth moved to her shoulder, and he was pushing the straps of her dress down. Rey sucked her stomach in, as he laid his hand on her belly. She deliberated where to put her hands on him, and settled for resting them on his shoulders._

 _"Rey, are you sure?' he was breathing, rough and urgent against her neck._

 _"Yes, I'm sure, please" she'd replied, ignoring that swimming feeling moving to her head, not as relaxing as she'd thought it would be. His hands were pulling away her bra, and she fought the urge to cover herself, and felt his mouth move down. His lips were soft, and as she tried to sink into the sensations, she heard herself whimper._

 _"Harder" she whispered, twisting his hair sharply to try and chase after the ghostly touch of lust, so fleeting, it was as though she'd imagined it. He made an encouraging noise, unperturbed by her demands. His soft lips continued to kiss her, gentle as a petal fall, and frustration built in her for a moment. She pulled his head away, and spun around, leaning her back against him, and reached up, directing his head to her neck, and she felt his lips move against her skin and pulled her hands to cup her breasts. Again, she reached for something, harder, sharper, more…_

 _She walked to the bed and sat down, pulling her skirt out the way, she reached her hand out for Poe, who stood looking at her with an ego inflating look of awe._

 _"Rey, you're breathtaking" he said, and then the wine was making her head spin again, and his voice was wrong, too soft, too gentle. She held her hand out to him, and tugged him down to cover her. He kissed her, and she pushed herself into it, rolling her hips under him, trying to achieve some kind of friction. He moaned on top of her, and she felt the disparity between their experiences, but the ambition to overcome this block of hers pushed her on. He kissed her slowly, his hands touching her all over, and she tried, she really tried to feel something at his touch. She cared for him so much, he was an amazing man, and when he smiled at her, she felt all sorts of excitement, but here, underneath him, all she felt was trapped, and that feeling was starting to make her feel desperate._

 _She grabbed his hand, and pushed his fingers under the waistband of her panties. They both stilled, as his fingers froze. Then, he gently stroked her. It felt… nice, she supposed. He stroked again, and she couldn't help but grab his hand, and increasing the pressure, the urgency._

 _"Put it inside me" she asked, trying very much to get them where she wanted to go. He tried then, and she gasped as the intrusion, as gentle as it had been, scraped against her dry flesh. He tried again, slipping his fingers into his mouth first to wet them, but they only succeeded into getting about an inch into the taut arid flesh._

 _"It's ok, it's normal for the first time, we just need to-" he was saying as Rey felt the last urge to try and feint desire flee. She flopped back, pulling his hand out and clapped a hand over eyes. Poe was hesitating beside her, and she felt more awful than ever._

 _"Rey, it's my fault, I need to warm you up more" he said saying, his hand moving toward her breast again, and she felt for a second that if he touched her again, she'd turn to stone._

 _"Stop, please… stop" she muttered, and he stilled immediately. She knew he was right of course, understood the mechanics, however, what he didn't know was that she didn't feel anything, she was cold and unmoved by all it, and his hands on her body were threatening to make her cry._

 _"I'm sorry, it's not you. It's me. I'm broken inside" she said, turning to curl on her side, and giving into the tears that wouldn't be held back any longer. She could feel Poe's pain, and it made it all the worse._

 _"Rey" he sounded so despondent, so worried for her and she hated herself even more._

 _"I told you, I'm not girlfriend material" she'd sniffed, turning her face into the pillow, and curling up in ball. She wanted to tell him not to touch her, not to care, because it was all just making it worse, but instead, she couldn't strangle the wrenching sobs ripping from her chest._

 _"I don't know what to do" he had finally admitted, rubbing his face in his hands. She couldn't pull herself out of her downward spiral, couldn't break through the shame and embarrassment that lay thick in the air._

 _"I don't want to leave you, but I don't know if I'm making it better…"_

 _"Nothing can make it better, just… go, it'll be better if you go"_

The sound of a glass clinking pulled her from her morbid memories of that disastrous night, and she was lifting her glass as well, trying to focus on her friends and not lose her head to the past.


	13. I was dead when I woke up this morning

Rey and Jessika struggled from the cab on the Upper West side, hauling unwieldy concept boards from the boot. She'd worn her most office appropriate clothes, but was well aware that both her and Jessika stood out in the morning crowd, mostly dressed in greys and blacks. Jessika had gone for a full on teal suit, with a black shirt, button to the neck and a slash of red lipstick, that matched her shoes. It was fashionable and arty, and Rey loved it. She had never owned a suit of any kind, and instead had on a high-waisted tube skirt, a long sheath of pastel coloured, paint spatters, scuba material, that hugged her body to her knees, and made going up and down stairs a little difficult. On top, a chiffon, cream wrap around top with bell sleeves, romantic and modern clashing together. Her hair, she'd left down, and her make up as simple and natural, as usual, but with a rosy lipstick to pick up a colour in her skirt. She had forced her feet into nude heels on the subway, a rare occurrence, her flats tucked away in her bag and she'd rather optimistically brought a dove grey tailored blazer, but the day's heat was already making it out of the question.

They were pitching to a new client for a corporate bid, a direction Jessika was determined to take her uncle's company in. After seeing pictures of the space, this was the first meeting, along with other bidders. If this one was successful, they'd come back with more detailed plans. It was a lot more formal than their usual pitches, and Rey found herself feeling a little nervous as they navigated to a faceless glass monolith, by the power of Jessika's phone, and struggled through the revolving door with the awkward story boards. People looked.

"Just act confident" Jessika whispered as they strode to the security desk, and then lifts, heading for the 17th floor.

"What kind of company is this again?" Rey asked, as they walked the plush carpet, the sound of silence emanating from large open plan rooms on either side, where people worked away furiously.

"I thought you read the brief"

"Of course, I read it, investment hedging, or trust funding something"

"That's not a thing" Jessika hissed as a receptionist directed them toward a conference room.

The whole room was shiny and sleek, and they quickly found everything they needed to set up.

"Can I get you anything? Tea, coffee…"

"Water would be great" Rey asked, as she looked around the cavernous space.

Rey struggled with the projector screen as the lady came back, baring a large jug of water and three glasses.

"Well, I can see why they need help. This office is boring as –"

"Rey!" Jessika's panicked whisper froze the words in her throat, and she heard the sound of someone entering the room. Straightening up from her bent position, sorting the damned story boards, she turned, plastering her most solicitous smile onto her face, which did not come naturally, but she thought it was a pretty good version.

"Please, don't stop on my account. Boring as -?"

"Oh, hell" she muttered.

Standing there, with a nasty smirk already pained across his porcelain face, topped with the same, distinctive fiery red hair was someone she really had hoped to never see again.

Armitage Hux.

"Boring as-" Hux prompted and she wondered for a moment if he was teasing her.

"Anything?" she finished hopefully, getting nothing but in incline of his head to the chairs by the desk, as he moved around the other side. Jessika silently screamed at her behind his back while Rey twisted her face in an apology, before they both ended their abrupt, silent conversation as Hux sat and faced them. She flinched as his scathing eyes trailed up her, judging. She thought about getting up right then and telling him to go to hell, seeing as it was unlikely he would employ her, but couldn't face giving Hux the satisfaction of causing a scene.

"Mr Hux, thank you so much for inviting us to present our ideas for this wonderful space" Jessika was saying. He was looking at Jessika, listening respectfully, the only sign of movement was the tapping of his fingers on his leg, but his smarmy satisfaction as rolling off him in waves.

"We have some ideas to get your thoughts on" Jessika was saying, nudging Rey to get up and turn over the concept boards. She shot to her feet and moved to the stand they'd set up. Jessika talked through each one, and Rey tried not to feel embarrassed at the feeling that Hux's eyes were more on her than the boards beside her. He stood abruptly, after they'd finished and stalked around the desk. He was looking carefully at concept three, her favourite.

"This is really great for lightening up spaces, creating a more natural ambiance" Jessika was saying as Hux moved closer, his eyes lingering on the canvas, a slight frown marring the space between his eyes.

"I noted that you have considerably less experience than the other portfolios submitted." He sniffed at length, looking down his nose at their offering, turning back and sitting down.

"Yes, we do, we are just moving into the corporate arena, we have a more established presence in home design"

"And you think that would translate easily into office space?" he asked, his tone making it clear he didn't agree.

"And what do you do?" he asked suddenly, turning his contemptuous gaze to Rey.

"Rey is a creative consultant, as well as helping with the selection process of pieces" Jessika rushed to say.

"Mr Ren is not an easy man to please, what makes you think you'd be able to understand his vision for this office?" he asked, scrutinising Rey carefully, and she had the impression of undercurrents that she couldn't grasp.

"We work closely with the company to ensure it is exactly what was envisaged" Jessika was saying, keeping her cool admirably, even as Rey and Hux stared each other down.

"What I envisage is not having to worry about any valuables going missing, from sticky fingers" Hux said suddenly, and Rey felt herself flush slightly.

"And I would envisage working in a place without the threat of assault" she snapped back, and strangely, Hux was the one who looked away first.

"Erm, I'm sorry, I think I missed something in the introductions. Do you know each other?"

"No" Rey snapped at the same time as Hux grunted,

"Yes"

"Not really" Rey clarified as she pulled the concept board from the stand and stood stiffly to Jessika's side.

"I think that's everything" she said, ignoring Jessika's look of alarm at her rudeness. Hux watched her steadily.

"I think it is. Sticky fingers or not, maybe Pava designs might be exactly what we need to shake things up around here." He said, and Rey was suddenly sure he didn't mean for interior design reasons.

"I can assure you that our employees are completely trustworthy" Jessika was saying as she followed Hux to the door to the meeting room. Rey trudged after them, and squeezed past his figure in the doorway.

"I'll pass on your regards" he said with a hateful smile. She frowned slightly at that, wondering who he could be talking about, and why she'd care.

"Knock yourself out, Hux. Please" she muttered as Jessika picked up the other end of the board and started toward the elevators. Rey could feel Hux' hateful eyes on her and it make her skin crawl.

Well, there goes that job, she thought mournfully as they made their way to the raised level overlooking the lobby. Even if Hux somehow decided to give them the contract, it would probably only be out of spite, and he was looking to torment her for a month. What bad luck, she mused as she stepped carefully onto the moving escalator, finding her balance, while holding the long boards a little difficult. She could see Jessika wobbling ahead of her, and stifled a giggle at the first impression they would make if they both fell to a spectacular end at the bottom of the stairs, boards broken, a pitiable heap. Hux would probably love that, play it on a loop over the massive screens that dominated one wall of the lobby.

It was then that Rey, had she been able to see herself from outside, would have recognised the signs that another turning point was about to occur in her life. Another pivot point, from which her future would spin out in new, unexpected directions, and she would have to choose between these new shiny red threads, and lose the other paths in the process.

She was aware of the sun, beating down through the high windows of the lobby, a bright strand of it working its way across her face. The smooth motion of the long escalator, and her tight grip on the concept boards, swaying slightly from Jessika's shared hold.

She glanced down at the opposing escalator, moving slowly past, the people of the First Order heading into work, a sea of navy, grey and white workwear.

And then, a spectre in black.

He was a vacuum in the space of the light around him, sucking her eyes to him, drawn by some invisable force.

 _Ben_

Her eyes locked onto him, as a roaring started in her ears. He was so tall, was her first thought.

He was so different, was the next. His features, the long nose and defined jaw, sculpted cheeks and lips that were too soft, always an awkward jigsaw of too distinctive parts pushed together and arranged sparingly, had suddenly slotted into place. Gone was the teenage skin, replaced by pale velvet, marked only by a constellation of beauty spots. His hair, long as always, but without the patina of teenage hormones, was a shining, mane of deepest brown waves, sitting back regally off his high forehead.

Even in the same moment as seeing all the differences, she saw the similarities, the long lashes, far too long for a boy, those elegant winged brows, framing eyes that were too knowing.

Her heart was pounding irregularly, sweat breaking out on her palms, the boards slipping a fraction in her grasp.

He was looking down at his phone, a frown marking his brow, a dark intensity focused with all its might on the small screen, and Rey became aware of a sort of panic building. They were about to pass each other.

Suddenly, he clicked off his phone, his movements sharp and efficient, and looked up.

Straight at her.

It was like lighting had struck her as his eyes met hers. She knew she was staring in disbelief, could feel that her mouth was open with surprise, but was incapable of doing anything but gaping like a fish.

He looked right at her, and the jolt of his eyes on hers brought her voice back.

"Ben?" she said quietly, the name almost alien on her lips after so long.

And just like that, they had passed each other, and she was faced with other people on the stairs, that patch of sunlight finally hitting her eyes, and she closed them for a moment gratefully. The whole thing had lasted less than a minute, and yet, she felt like a different person than the one who had stepped onto the escalator.

He hadn't looked surprised, she realised. His face had been impassive, accepting and sort of… empty, she thought when she thought back to his expression.

"Rey!" Jessika called as Rey stumbled off the escalator behind her, gracelessly.

"I'm fine. I'll be fine" she muttered, a mantra to herself. Jessika tugged the concept boards and she was pulled along with it. They crossed the lobby at speed and Rey felt as though her heart was moving in the opposite direction. A security guard opened a large door to help them out, and she felt as though a piercing weight was resting on her neck.

She twisted around, with great difficultly as Jess had not stopped moving, and glanced back as well she could. Her eyes moved quickly over the lobby, and then rose to the top of the escalator. The last glimpse she had was him standing between the two escalators, arms braced on the banister of the upper level, staring down at her. A dark knight standing in a glass and steel keep, she found herself thinking, fancifully. But there was something about the dense black suit, a cut that was vaguely reminiscent of a gi, as well as his guarded expression, one of intensity and dark intent, as though Ben's shadow had taken his place and wore his face.

Then they were on the street, the heat rushing in, as well as the cacophony of city noises. Rey trailed after Jessika, numbed. She thought she might be in shock, but couldn't really say why. So, she had seen him, perhaps she had been waiting for it the whole time she'd been in New York, dreading it and longing for it in equal measure, and now it had happened, and the world had not stopped moving. Everything was the same, except her lungs felt as though they'd been punctured, air slowly leaking out. Had he even recognised her? Did he even remember her? The thought broke open a scar on her heart that she had thought healed, one with his name on it. She pushed it from her mind, along with the whole encounter for just now, as Jessika flagged down a taxi, and they put the boards in the boot. She'd think about it later, she could handle it later, she promised herself.

* * *

Kylo Ren looked over the reports on his desk, as Hux took an opportunity to look around his sparten office.

"What's the point in being the boss, if you don't even stamp your personality anywhere in the office" he sneered, as Kylo flicked through lab results, going back to check on something, a tiny voice at the back of his mind telling him something was wrong.

"Didn't you hear, this is my personality" he said flatly, and knew by Hux' reaction that his dead eyes did indeed mirror the minimal utilitarian office.

"Leave this with me, I have too much to do to spend any time on it"

"Snoke doesn't need you to spend time on it, he just needs your signature, like always, to push it through" Hux complained. Kylo sat back and stared at him, a long unflinching menace boiling in his gaze.

"I want to see the remodel bids" he said finally, changing the subject and satisfied with seeing Hux flinch. His small blue eyes shot to Kylo's, and confirmed his bosses suspicions.

"That's my project" he demurred.

"And now it's mine." Kylo said as he indicated to the door with an incline of the head, a clear dismissal. Hux hesitated further.  
"What?" Kylo practically barked, his limited store of patience with the man running dry.

"I – I've already started the process. It's not professional to just-" Hux said haltingly and jumped a little when Kylo slammed the file down on his desk and sat forward, a sudden burst of movement after his stillness, unsettling the slighter man.

"Do not mistake my tolerating your presence here as my forgetting my opinion of you. It hasn't changed. Send me the bids, and get out" Kylo reminded him, and purposefully turned his back on his most hated subordinate. Hux strode out, bristling with the slight, and Kylo relaxed infinitesimally as the door softly clicked behind him.

He was on edge. He had been one edge since seeing her.

 _Rey._

It had been a normal morning, nothing out of the ordinary, he went about his business with his usual numbness. Her memory always accompanied him, so it was no surprise to see her on the escalator, moving slowly toward him, or even her soft voice.

But then, as he had looked at her, he had realised with a start, that the woman before him was not a 6-year-old memory of Rey.

This Rey was a woman, breathtaking and heart-breaking all at once. Her face, always holding the perfect beauty of a rose bud, literally stole his breath and stilled his heard, the promise of her beauty fully realised. She had been tanned, her hair down. He had rarely see it down, and it shone in the sunlight, stands of brown and caramel brushing the tops of her shoulders. Her body, taller than he remembered, a taped waist and slim shoulders passed mere inches from his, and he felt a tug in his chest, strange and unfamiliar. His heart, so long neglected, he had forgotten what it felt like to beat.

She was real, the realisation was a lightning bolt, he could practically feel energy sparking off him as he reached the top of the stairs, and went to the banister, pushing others out the way to wrap his hands around the cold, hard metal, searching for something to ground him, a strange paralysis coming over him as he eyes searched for her. It was the moment he had waited an eternity for, and feared in equal measure.

A living flame, dancing across the monotone lobby, he found her instantly. She seemed to burn, he watched her walking, and willed her to turn.

When she did, he felt it again in his chest, a strangled thump, irregular and so painful he struggled to breath for a moment. And then, she was gone, and it hurt even more.

He wasn't sure how long he'd stayed in the same spot, but when he'd eventually turned away, his mask was back in place, the one that his employees expected him to wear. The one that cleared the corridor in front of him, and made people get off the lift at the wrong floor for, just to avoid the frigid atmosphere around him. The man without a heart. Striding to the reception, he had quelled the urge to rush after her, to chase her down in the street, sure she'd already gone, and also sure he would lose all semblance of dignity in his current state of agitation.

"I want to see the visitor logs" Kylo Ren'd commanded, in the tone that had earned him his fiercesome reputation. He waited impatiently as the nervous receptionist fumbled with a clipboard, dropping it twice before handing it into his grasp. He scanned down the names, his finger moving over them, until stopping.

"Jessika Pava and Rey Nessuno – Pava Interiors"

It was a test, his first true one, since his father. He shied away from that thought and turned to more pleasant thoughts of Rey, and how she had surpassed even his wildest, most private imaginings. He thought he had risen above such attachments, thought he would be unmoved by her, after so long living as he had, and yet, he felt unmanned, admitting it to himself. Something had surged in his chest at the sight of her, something foul and naïve, something he had long supressed and thought snuffed out for good. Hope.

It was only because it was someone from his past, he told himself. It was a link, and Snoke had warned him against anything or anyone from before, as they would cause him to doubt. Though, this went back further than finally seeing her, he had to admit. Rey, the weakness he could never quite rid himself of, his longing for her. Why else had he hired Catherine? It certainly wasn't for her non-related degree, though she was smart as whip and adaptable to any kind of work.

He had been looking for her, in any connection to the past he could justify. Why he couldn't just admit it to himself and hire a private investigator and hunt her down, he still wasn't sure. Was he still the man who would push her away for her own good? He didn't think he was anymore. If she had less effect on him, he would bind her to his side for his own pleasure and care not about the effect on her. Maybe he was afraid to press too hard on that weakness, that tender spot that he still harboured for the little scavenger, who had climbed into his heart before he's lost his soul. The part of his heart that hadn't died quite yet.

He pushed himself back from his glass and steel table and approached the window, a floor length drop to the lazy summer sun slowly sinking over Central Park. He remembered looking at the view beside Rey, her excitement and his own too. Of all the foolish and naïve dreams of his youth, the ones involving her, hurt the most. He caught sight of his own hated expression in the glass. His unseeing eyes and cool expression. Sometimes he didn't recognise himself in the mirror anymore, and wondered who this man was that wore his face. _All great men are alone._ Snoke's voice whispered in his memory, a constant presence.

A soft knock sounded, and turned to see Phasma entering, holding a pile of folders.

"I brought the remodel bids" she said curtly. He admired that about her.

"Leave them on my desk" he instructed, turning back to the window. He stared out at the cars moving slowly along 86th street, before a shuffle alerted him to the fact that Phasma had not left yet.

"Is there a problem?" he asked, moving away from the window and coming back to his desk.

"No, sorry, just dropped some" she said, flushing a little, before making excuses and leaving. Kylo stared at her exiting back. He looked down at his desk, studying the things that he remembered being there before the colourful portfolios, with their stapled bids on top, had been placed down. There was only the chemical analysis report, nothing of importance.

He pulled the bids closer to him, as he opened them randomly, searching for something of her.

He was flipping randomly when he came to it. It was hidden toward the back of one of the better portfolios. The painting was of nature, and something about the quality of light shining through the tree canopy sent him hurtling back in time.

 _6 years earlier_

 _Rey stuck unused paint brushes and pencils anywhere she could easily access them, through her buns, marching up the back of her head, between her teeth, anywhere really. She then promptly forgot about them and had to take another from the stained mason jar off to the side, and then add them to her collection too._

 _He watched her fascinating process for far too long, happy to have a chance to observe her when she didn't know she was being watched. Yes, indeed, since meeting Rey, he could add creepy obsessive stalker behaviour to violent, aggressive and loner, the never-ending list of derogatory adjectives that could be applied to him._

 _Finally, he cleared his throat and made his presence known. She spared him only a sideways glace, and he wondered for a moment if she had known he was there all along. Rey seemed to always know when he was near, or maybe her childhood had developed in her a super charged vigilance, he wasn't sure. He looked at the canvas over her shoulder, instantly arrested by the pastoral scene he saw there. It was so much older than her years, it was studied and deep and wise. It was a city, but the scene made it look like a fresh and beautiful country scene, the people charming characters going about their day, and not the usual mishmash of weirdos who he always seemed to meet in New York. It was the light, he decided. It was clear and warm, and it transformed those it fell on, made them more somehow._

 _"Don't say a word. I told you that this was off limits, and now, you don't get to speak" he looked down, surprised by her hard tone, and saw a brittle fragility in her eyes. She was nervous._

 _"Come on kid, don't be nervous, this is great, really great"_

 _"Don't humour me Ben, and don't call me kid!"_

He flipped through the rest of the portfolio and found another painting, toward the very back, this one you could almost make out initials scrawled, R.N. He summoned his secretary into the room immediately.

"This one, this is the one" he said, pushing forward the bid, realising belatedly that he hadn't glanced at the price.

"Set up a meeting." He instructed, his mind already leaping ahead to picture something too tantalising to resist.

Rey sitting on the other side of his desk. He swallowed hard. For someone who was supposed to be distancing himself from attachments and feelings, he was sure rushing headlong into dangerous territory, and yet, he swore, he could feel his heart beating for the first time in years, feel the blood pumping through his veins, felt his body alive. It felt like waking up.

* * *

She thought about him the whole way home, walking along the tree lined streets of her neighbourhood. She thought about him in the three flights of stairs of her walk up. She thought about him when Finn surprised her with Chinese takeout and Rose came over. They watched TV and Rey thought about Ben. When Poe called about a party, she thought about him as she got dressed. She was still thinking about him when a tray came around with shots, and she down 2 in quick succession.

After fading to a sepia memory, a ghost that accompanied her at times, well worn and torn at the edges, the real Ben had jumped back into her head with an alarming vibrancy. She couldn't stop going over the encounter.

She thought about him as she drank and drank, unable to chase the away the storm of emotions brewing in the pit of her stomach.

Later, as she lay on the cold tile of the bathroom, Finn rubbing warm circles on her back and her stomach rebelled yet again, she decided to stop thinking about him


	14. I don't know why we break so hard

Jessika Pava had been in some uncomfortable work situations before. A client unhappy with the finished result, or something irreplaceable damaged by a careless mover, but nothing quite compared to the chill in the air when she entered the office of Kylo Ren, President of First Order Finance, as he held the door open for a touch longer than necessary, his dark eyes on the empty corridor behind her.

At length, he let the heavy glass door swing shut, and turned abruptly, motioning her to the uncomfortable looking leather chair in front of his desk.

"Miss Pava, I assume?' he said briskly. She nodded, pasting a pleasant smile, despite his chilly reception, and held her hand out over the desk.

"Yes, please, call me Jessika. Pleasure to meet you"

"Likewise" he said, picking up her portfolio from his desk, and she quickly retracted her hand.

"So, tell me a little about your portfolio" he said, his eyes flashing to her, and felt the weight of that heavy stare. She flustered her way through her usual spiel, warming up toward the end and hitting her stride. He flipped through the pictures of finished projects and traced a large, bluntly tipped finger over one of Rey's original paintings.

When she had come to the end of her usual speech, she sat back, picking up the glass of water near her and wetting her mouth, suddenly dry beyond belief.

"Do you work alone?"

"No, I have a team of people who specialise in different aspects of the design" she said, cutting off quickly when he interrupted.

"There were two of you at the original pitch, is that not so?"

"Yes, there was my colleague, who works in a consulting capacity" Jessika rushed to explain. Kylo Ren sat back, his impressive height intimating even behind a desk.

"And may I ask why she isn't in attendance today? I am a busy man, I can assure you, Miss Pava" he said, and Jessika felt herself flush, as though rebuked.

"I understand completely, I felt that for this follow up meeting, it would suffice to be myself at the meeting. My colleague, Rey, she only consults on projects at certain points" she explained, and couldn't tear her eyes away from the granite expression on the man in front of her. She had no idea what he was thinking, except for a minute ticking of a muscle in his jaw.

"I see. Well, if First Order wouldn't be a priority for Pava Interiors and its employees, it is probably best to part ways now" he said matter-of-factly and Jessika cursed herself for not asking Rey to come along. After the weird interplay between her and Hux, and Rey's take on his character, an old school enemy, she had thought it would go more smoothly without her. She'd had no idea they wouldn't be meeting Hux again, never mind that she would be meeting with the president of the company himself.

"I can assure you, First Order would be our top priority"  
"Even with the unsociable hours that the work may need to be done at? When we have clients in the office, it wouldn't do to have work going on"

"Of course, it would be my full-time occupation" Kylo Ren stopped then, frowning at her, and she felt nervous all over again.

"And your consultant, it wouldn't be her full-time occupation?"

"Not exactly, though I am sure she'd take it over a shift at Resistence any time" Jessika continued, started to feel rattled, forgetting herself in a rush to reassure this unreadable man. He seemed determined to find fault with the company, and everyone's time commitment, for some reason, and she was starting to feel frazzled.

"Thank you, Miss Pava. This has been very informative." The taciturn man opposite her said suddenly, and stood up. Jessika blinked at the abruptness of his movement and then followed slowly, feeling sure she was being dismissed from the position. He hadn't been happy with her answers or the meeting in general it seemed. Kylo Ren walked to the door and pulled it open, and Jessika drifted to it in a daze.

"Congratulations. I am happy to tell you that I have selected Pava Interiors. The accounting department will be in touch to organise the up front, and we can get started." He said, and she looked up at him in surprise.

"Next time though, Miss Pava, I really must insist on your consultant attending important meetings, as I mentioned before, I am a busy man, and I don't have time to repeat myself" he was saying, walking her toward the elevator.

"Of course. Thank you, Mr Ren. I am looking forward to working with you" she managed, still trying to take it all in. As she stepped into the waiting lift she looked back and saw Kylo Ren watching her carefully, and he flashed her something that might have passed for a smile, if it had been any less predatory. Instead, the flash of teeth reminded her of a wolf, closing in, at your door, in your house, on the prowl.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Anayah's brother Mikey was a boy on the edge, and Rey felt a sense of deja-vu when she met him. Tall and awkward, he radiated sullen, anxious energy and her heart broke for this young boy who had no one to protect him. After a long class in which she worried how to include him, they stood around while she left protein bars out for the after class snack and made mental notes about the students who took as many as they could. She'd make sure there was extra next time.

It was one of those hellish nights where she squeezed in an early class and then the late shift at the club. As she rushed through her shower, and then her dressing routine, and rode the train uptown to work, she congratulated herself on managing to put the newly resurrected Ben Solo from her mind. Ok, so, she'd had a bit of a slip, an immediate, knee jerk drop into an alcohol fuelled pity party, but, now, two days later, she was finding herself about to keep him out her mind for the most part. Her determination was a bright and tenacious thing and she was glad it had only seemed to grow as she got older.

She was still thinking about Anayah and her brother later, when she manned the till in the club. She ran through the extortionate amounts charged to exclusive cards, and smiled convincingly at the greasy high roller types who pressed £100 tips into her hands. It felt dirty, but she's survived worse, and besides, it was for a good cause, she reminded herself, thinking that next time she should try and bring something more substantial to class, in case any of the weren't getting enough access to food.

"Rey, you have to help me, rescue me, please, I can't take it." BB sighed dramatically, collapsing on the register. Her eccentric friend had worked at Resistance a lot longer than her, and Rey knew what a high limit she had for the assholes that came through the doors.

"What's wrong?"

"Table 66, they are the worst, I don't think I can go back there."

"Tell Ackbar, I'm sure he'll kick them out for you"

"No way, these guys will make a scene, I'm sure. They're just settling the bill, can you take the receipt back to them?" she pleaded, flashing the most ridiculous puppy eyes at Rey. Rey grinned in return, always willing to spare her kind-hearted friend more stress.

"Give it here" she said, holding out her hand, and straightening her shoulders.

"Here I go."

"Don't let them see you cry!" BB called, only half jokingly.

"Never" Rey promised as she marched toward the infamous table 66. There were only four of them, these terrifying men, talking quietly, drinking alcohol that cost more than her rent for a month. She approached quietly, and waited until the man with his back to her, tall, even sitting, with a shock of rich, dark hair curling over his collar stopped talking, before placing the card and receipt back on the table.

"Mr Ren, that's everything settled for you" she said discreetly.

"Don't tell me you finally managed to frighten off that little rabbit waitress Ren. Took you long enough, you must be losing your touch" a familiar voice said and Rey could help but glance at it. The cultured accent, the dripping distain, and then, as the pale visage and red hair came into sight, she felt her stomach drop for the second time in a few days.

Armitage Hux. Again. What kind of bad luck she must be having, she couldn't begin to understand, but the urge to flee was strong as Hux caught sight of her.

She was already stepping back from the table as she heard Hux let out a low whistle and a low laugh.

"Well well, if I eyes don't deceived me. If it isn't the little scavenger." he said, and Rey froze. The entire table were silenced by his mocking remark, and Rey felt her cheeks flame red. She clenched her fists at her sides and took a deep breath.

Don't let him win, she told herself, as she made to take another step away. She should breeze away as though she hadn't heard, and avoid the table until they left. Hux knew she worked here now though, and the thought worried her. He was exactly the kind of vindictive sociopath that would frequent here more regularly just to toy with her.

"Rey?" a low voice broke through her deliberation. It was quiet, and so much deeper than she remembered, but it was achingly familiar, and she felt herself turn before she could think twice about it.

Ben Solo.

In the flesh. Unfolding himself from the low table to an awesome height.

Yep, her karma had been terrible this week, she thought wildly as her instincts screamed at her to run and hide from the confusing torrent of emotions rushing through her.

She struck again by how handsome he was now. It had been a long time that she had thought him anything but, but still, he had grown into all those awkward features perfectly. And seeing him from far, and standing before him made her realise all over again how very tall he was. Bigfoot big indeed. That impression of height was borne out by his broad shoulders, he was built like a powerhouse now, and she felt very small before him. She swallowed, realising that she had been staring. His brown eyes were on hers, and she found it hard to interpret the emotion behind the look that he was boring into her.

"Found your level I see, since St Augustines. Shit sinks, and all that. Given up pretending to be a decorator already?" Hux sneered, still seated behind the table, and Rey found herself blinking out the furious silent exchange with Ben. She cleared her throat, her words level and condescending.

"I suppose you'd know. How's your father by the way?" she said, and was rewarded by Hux' pale skin reddening to match his hair.

"You little bitch… I'll have your job for that" he sniped. Rey could feel Ben's eyes on her the whole time, silent beside her.

"Do your worst, Hux" she muttered, and turned away, suddenly needing to leave the tense confrontation and distance herself from the ghost who had appeared before her. Her heels clacked on the polished wooden parquet floor, and she clenched and unclenched her fists as she walked as fast as she dared toward the staff rooms. With a too bright smile affixed to her face, practically a rictus grin, she turned to glance back, unable not to, needing to see him once more before he left, that old familiar pull, as though something inside her was tethered to him, humming in life once more.

Her eyes landed instantly on the towering body, striding after her, another waitress throwing herself to the side to avoid being bowled over. Ben's face was unreadable still, a tense mask with a clenched jaw. Her fingers reached the keypad on the staff room, and she quickly typed in her code, and slipped inside, shutting the door immediately behind her, leaning back against it with a breath of relief.

Had she really just run away from Ben? She hadn't seen him in 6 years, and as soon as she does, she turns tail and runs? Any fantasy she'd ever had of meeting Ben again, when she was older, sophisticated, when he couldn't deny that she was a woman, were gone.

"Rey?" his voice came through the door, and she jumped away from it, before remembering he couldn't open it. She backed away, watching the door as though it were a ticking bomb, her heart in her mouth. Hearing her name in his voice was bringing back all kinds of memories, good and bad, almost all painful.

"Rey – can you hear me?" he asked and she bit her nail, standing indecisively torn between opening the door or continuing to hide.

"Ignore Hux. You aren't fired" he continued. She remained quiet. It might make her the biggest coward in the world, but she couldn't face him just now. She wasn't prepared and she needed to build some kind of defence against this hole in her heart that had just blasted open again.

She took her break, slipping out the back door for some air. She pulled out her phone and called Phasma.

"What? I'm still at work" Catherine said irritably, and Rey struggled to find the words she needed.

"Rey, what's wrong?" her snappishness being replaced by concern.

"Its – I ran into him. I was working and I went to the table, and then he was there." Rey said quietly, knowing she didn't have to specify who she was talking about. She heard Catherine breath in sharply.

"What happened?" she asked after a moment.

"He said my name, and stood up and I… ran away"

"You ran away? Then what?" Catherine asked.

"Then… nothing, I'm still hiding"

"Rey" it was said in a whoosh of breath, and Rey closed her eyes tightly.

"I know. It was stupid" she said.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I mean, I'm fine, considering" she muttered, feeling foolish for overreacting so much.

"Tell me what to do now"

"Now, you go back to work, you smile, you make your tips, you be professional. If Ren is there, be courteous but busy, if not, forget about him"

"Ben"

"What?"

"You said Ren" Rey corrected her. There was a small pause over the line.

"Right, sorry. Ben"

"Ok. Thanks. I'll see you at home"

"See you later."

Rey hung onto her phone several seconds after Catherine had gone, schooling her face into impassivity. She tucked her phone into her formal shorts. Ridiculous but mandatory, and headed back inside.

She unlocked the staff room door, and was relieved to find no overbearing, oversized males lingering outside. She went out to the servers island, smiling at BB when she drew near.

"What is going on? Did you just take a break? I thought you already took it. Was it that table, did they upset you?" BB was looking guilty at leaving Rey to take over her section.

"No, don't worry. I'm fine. Just got a bit dizzy for a second there." The last thing she wanted was BB freaking out loudly at work. She spotted her manager giving her look, and grabbed the leather-bound drinks menus.

"Better get back to it" she muttered as she walked amongst the familiar tables. Ben and Hux' was thankfully empty, and she saw someone clearing the remnants of their drinking session onto a tray.

She surveyed her section, and went to the new tables, handing out menus to people who had recently arrived. It was busy work and it helped stop her mind for going into overdrive.

At the last to the back, and just when she was starting to calm down again, she saw him.

Sitting alone, his back to the corner, one arm resting casually on the table, the other on his lap. He was watching her. There was a complete stillness to him that was new. As a teenager, he had been full of kinetic energy, a buzzing, vibrating power inside a half gown shell. Now, he sat still, like a coiled cobra, waiting for the right moment to strike. She let out a long breath, and clutched the last drinks menu to her chest like a shield, approaching him reluctantly. She offered him the drinks menu, which he cast aside without looking at.

"You came back" he said, looking up at her from his seat, his face still closed to her.

"And you waited" she muttered, shifting on her high shoes, rotating her ankle for a moment, the movement reflexive during long shifts. The motion caused his eyes to lower, and they did so slowly. They moved from her face, and down her legs to her feet, before blinking back up to her face. She couldn't read his face, that expressive face that used to tell her his every thought, was completely closed to her.

"I kind of had to come back, you can't really just leave when you want to, being work and all" she said, fighting the urge to blush at his leisurely survey of her body.

"And you work… here" he said, his words lined with an edge of contempt. She stared at him, a little shocked.

"Yes, I work here. What is it to you?" she asked, defensively, crossing her arms over her chest and looking him in the eye.

"Nothing. I just thought you'd be destined for better things. Things you were passionate about, unless that's being fawned over by drunken business men" he said, casting a contemptuous look around her. It infuriated her so much, that after years of being apart, he still felt he had the right to pick apart her and her choices, as though he still knew her.

"Not that it's any of your business., but I do have another job that I am passionate about, several of them, in fact, but there isn't exactly much left over after rent and student loans to eat, so this works for now" she snapped, wondering why she was justifying herself to him.

"So, you did go to college" he said, and she could have sworn a hint of emotion touched his impassive face, but it was gone before she was sure. She didn't answer, just stared at him.

"What do you want Ben? I have to get back to my shameful job, and you need to order or leave" she suddenly announced, spying her boss looking her way again.

"I'll take a single malt of your best Whiskey"

"Scottish or Japanese"

"You choose" he said shortly, leaning back as if dismissing her. She grabbed the menu off the table and turned away, feeling his eyes on her back the whole way.

She put in his drink order and check on her other tables quickly. A Texan business man, who was a regular, touched her arm as she cleared his glass off the table, leaving a hefty tip, before grabbing Ben's drink and making her way back to him.

"Here you go" she said, placing the drink gently on the table, and taking the card he had put out. She looked up to see his eyes were fixed on the Texan across the room.

"Do you know that man?" he asked tightly, as she shook her head and tapped his card to get his attention.

"Are you fine with closing out your bill?" she asked.

"Why? Do you want me to stay?" he asked.

"I don't care what you do" she said quickly, willing her expression to be neutral. He moved his intense gaze to her face, studying her again, and she flashed his card again.

"Yes or no?"

"Yes, close it out" he said, settling back with his drink. She took his payment card to the register, and absently looked at the details as she charged the exorbitant amount for two fingers of whiskey. The black Amex had a name embossed in gold, and she ran nails over the raised letters frowning.

"Who's Kylo Ren?" she asked when she got back, handing him the receipt and the card.

"I am" he said.

"No, you're not. You're Ben Solo" she said slowly. A muscle ticked in his jaw at her words, the only sign of displeasure.

"No, I'm not. I haven't been in a very long time"

"Since when?" she challenged.

"Since the last night I saw you, I believe, certainly not since my father died" he said it so casually that she found herself nodding along before the words registered. She froze, that left over part of her heart that still remembered the angry young man he'd been, hurting for him.

"I didn't know that. I'm sorry" she said quietly, her eyes searching his face for a hint of the boy she'd known.

"Don't be. I'm not" he said, his tone brooking no disagreement. She stared at his hardened face.

"Ben, you can't mean-" she started, but was soon interrupted by him putting the empty glass down with perhaps a little too much force and standing.

"I do mean it, and don't call me Ben. I'm not Ben, not the kid you knew. He's gone" the man before her instructed patiently, though she could hear the fire just under his careful tone.

"I don't understand" she replied honestly.

"That's fine. You don't have to. Forget the past, let it die, we have no need of it. All you need to know is that Ben Solo was a pathetic child, and he is gone" his words cut into her, little flying pieces of self-hatred and anger, so deep they embedded in her skin.

He straightened his suit jack, atop a waistcoat and trousers, a deep unrelenting black, and he almost resembled some kind of craven demon risen from hell for a moment, his hair a black helmet around his striking face, the gentle lights of the bar not touching him, seeming to shrink back from his intimidating presence.

"Why did you wait for me then, if the past is to die?" she asked suddenly, wondering what on earth he could want from her.

"I'm not used to people running away from me" he said, stepping into her personal space.

"That's funny. I am" she murmured, her hazel eyes flicking to his for a moment, and a sense of regret seemed to slide over him, as removed as he was.

"What time do you finish?" he asked suddenly, keeping her off balance with the change of topic.

"Late" she replied. He watched her a moment longer, and then reached for his phone. He unlocked it with hard taps and held it out to her.

"Put your number in" he instructed, that old familiar controlling command she remembered from so long ago. It rankled her, and she found herself shaking her head.

"Put your number in Rey, now" he said, sounding even more bossy than before.

"No. No I won't and you can't make me." She ground out, folding her arms for emphasis. He glared at her a beat longer, before tucking his phone into his pocket.

"Still as contrary as always, still rebelling against authority, you haven't changed" he said, though by his tone, she didn't feel like it was an insult.

"You are hardly an authority over me Ben"

"I told you not to call me that. My name is Kylo Ren" Rey couldn't help the snort that flew past her lips.

"I am not calling you that. I'm sorry, but I just can't. You'll always be Ben Solo to me" he was silent, and seemed to be contemplating something in his mind.

"Perhaps its best if you don't address me by name at all, if you wish to disregard my choice" he said, and Rey felt a sting at his words. Kylo Ren was a name he had chosen for himself, apparently in the aftermath of his father's death. She couldn't know what he went through then, the dark places he might have visited that led to him changing his name, then again, she only didn't know, because he had pushed her away before and cut off contact.

"Perhaps the very best thing would be to say goodbye and not see each other again. That way, I don't have to call you anything"

"No. I don't think that's going to work for me" he said solemnly.

"Well… it works for me" she bit out, feeling the anger and frustration that had been rising the entire bizarre episode start to spill out. She spun around and stomped away down the rows of tables. She lingered in the back for a while, making a restock list. She didn't venture out again until BB came to get her at midnight, and they collected their things and made their way to the train. She felt as though she had seen a ghost, and her heart had still not calmed, his new face emblazed across her vision, so much so that whichever way she turned her head, she saw him.

"Are you ok?" BB finally asked, as Rey stared numbly out the subway window, watching the darkness, broken by the odd station, flash by.

"I'm fine. I'll be fine" she reassured her, willing herself to believe it. Nothing had changed, she told herself sternly. Nothing had changed, so why did it feel like everything had.


	15. I'm always in this twilight

"I just don't understand why you had to buy them before the meeting" Jessika complained as they slogged up the subway stairs in the stifling afternoon heat.

"Are you kidding? These are half price, and they're chocolate, the girls' favourite" Rey huffed as she attempted to close the zip on her straining bag. She was nervous, as they pushed into the air-conditioned lobby of First Order Finance. It didn't take a genius to work out how Ben had ended up at Resistance, especially after Jessika had filled her in on the meeting where she had pitched to the President, Kylo Ren and won the bid.

It's not personal, it's just business, she told herself like a mantra, searching for a feeling of calm and peace as they ascended in the lift toward the executive floor. The hallway was deathly quietly, and thick carpet suffocating all sounds as they moved down the hall toward a large corner office, and Rey say the black matt name plate outside.

 _Kylo Ren_

 _President_

Jessika knocked before Rey could start to second guess herself, and the door was opening.

The first thing she thought about the man standing at the door, was that he suited his chosen name, Kylo Ren. It had a coldness, a steely reservation about it that suited this man. Seeing him here, in his natural habitat, she started to understand that the name change had not just been skin deep.

He was dressed completely in black again, and was already staring at her with an intensity he seemed to have perfected in their years apart.

"Good afternoon Miss Pava, Miss Nessuno, please come in" he said, as they walked past him into the spacious office, that was about as warm and inviting as the rest of the soulless building. She felt the ghost of a hand on the small of her back, and stiffened immediately, flashing a glance at Ben, who was already striding around the large desk.

"Can I offer you any refreshments?" he continued. They both shook their heads, and Jessika launched into discussion about the next steps of the remodel process. She brought some artwork they'd prepared out her bag and spread them around on the table, while Rey made notes about the things Ben wanted. So far, it seemed maximising productivity was in and creating a harmonious atmosphere was out. She was unable to stop a discreet eye roll at yet another sanitary hand wash station and efficiency measures.

"Sorry, Miss Nessuno, do you disagree with my specification?" Ben suddenly said, and Rey straightened her spine under his scrutiny.

"Not at all, it all sounds very… clean" the word clean was spat out in an accusatory way, that made it perfectly clear what she thought of his artistic vision.

"And what would you prefer?"

"Maybe something that would bring out the best in people, harmony" she said. He watched her critically.

"So, Yin yang symbols hung around the office? A yoga studio and a juice bar?" he challenged.

"That would be wasted, given the management style, there is no avoiding stress here" Rey bit out, unable to stop herself. Kylo sat back in his chair, and gestured for her to continue.

"Which is? Given you haven't worked here yourself, I'm interested in how you could possibly know"

"Because I know you" Rey said, her eyes pulled to his, she was caught in the storm brewing between them. She was discovering a latent pool of absolute fury at this man calling himself Kylo Ren and his calm and infuriating attempts to insert himself into her life, for what motivation, she couldn't quite grasp.

"It's domineering, controlling and oppressive. People are afraid of losing their jobs. It's in the air. There's no sense of stability, management is fickle and unpredictable" she said, and crossed her arms over her chest, raising her chin a little in the silence that had fallen between them.

"Rey" Jessika said quietly and she could hear the horror in her friend's voice. She wanted to turn to her and apologise, tell her she was wrong for thinking she could do this, be in the same room as this man and not lose it, and it was her fault they were losing the contract.

"It's ok, Miss Pava. I enjoy being challenged and Miss Nessuno raises some excellent points. If not a little uncouthly" he said, and Rey couldn't help the scowl formed in the wake of his words.

"So, tell me, how you'd fix that?" he said, sitting forward, open and engaging in posture for once. Jessika jumped in, no doubt hoping to steer the conversation back to safer ground, while Rey let what she had just said sink in. She couldn't quite shake the feeling Ben was enjoying this, though nothing external showed it.

Jessika was showing him some of their ideas, and Rey saw the moment when Ben recognised one of her paintings. He stilled, stopped flicking through the pages, and slide a finger in to bookmark it. She didn't know why the simple action made her heart beat faster. Rey took the time when he was busy to observe him, his new mannerisms, though, when he pushed a large hand through his hair, she had to look away. If you look too long at the past, it looks back.

They moved onto talking about scheduling and time frames, and Rey almost jumped when she realised Ben had spoken her name.

"You'd be here, during the process?" he repeated softly, and Rey felt her Jessika's eyes shoot to her nervously, no doubt worried about what new hell she was about to unleash on their client. She shook her head.

"Consultants consult _occasionally_ at different parts of the process" she said, unable to read the hint of emotion she could see in his eyes. He eventually turned away and returned to behind the glass desk.

"I wish the process to be as seamless as possible for my employees, I'd be happy to pay extra for the creative consultant to spare more of her time, to avoid unnecessary back and forth" he said, and Rey felt irritated at his attempt to manoeuver her, even as she wondered why he was bothering.

"I'm afraid that's not possible" Rey said flatly, even as Jessika was getting out a notepad.

"20% extra, on top" he said, and Jess nodded, her excitement only showing through her bouncing foot. She wrote a figure on the pad of paper and angled it to Rey, with an underscored PLEASE! written below. It made Rey's throat dry. The little girl who always worried about making rent and having enough for food afterwards was already nodding.

"Ok, that's fine" she said, glancing up at Ben, who was still watching her. She looked away to the window. Ben summoned a secretary from somewhere.

"Now, Miss Pava, if you'd like to accompany Margot, we have a cheque for you, and you need to schedule diaries." He said. Rey jumped up, grabbing her camera and making to follow Jessika.

"Of course"

"And if I may have a moment longer with the concepts, perhaps Miss Nessuno can answer any questions I have, until you return" he suggested reasonably. Rey squashed an instinctive protest as she watched as Jessika leave quickly. The heavy glass door swung slowly shut behind her, leaving them alone.

"Which concept would you like to know more about?" she asked blandly, skirting around the desk to spread out the folders, feeling him approach behind her, until he stood at her shoulder.

"Which one do you prefer?" he asked.

"I like them all" they stood a moment longer in silence, until Rey couldn't contain it anymore.

"What are you doing Ben? How did you even… I mean, is this just all a coincidence?" she burst out.

"It seems fate is connecting us, once more" he mused, as she snorted.

"I hardly think so. Did you come to Resistance the other night just to-" She said, biting her lip to stay her heartsick words.

"Just to what?" he asked, suddenly closer than she had thought when she turned around. She refused to back away from him, just settled for crossing her arms over her chest and staring him down.

"Just to upset me" she said bluntly, and saw a frown cross his features.

"No, that wasn't my intention" he said, and she could see as they spoke, more and more emotion flitting across that hard mask he had worn in his interactions with her so far.

"What was your intention? What are you doing!?" she demanded, angry at him for pushing himself into her balanced life, and angry at herself for caring.

"I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to you. I never did" he admitted in a rush, looking almost surprised at himself in the wake of his words.

He seemed to take a grip on himself and step away, walking to a pitcher of water on the desk and pouring two glasses and setting one before her, before almost draining the other. Seemed certain manners had survived Ben's transition to Kylo Ren, Rey thought, watching him.

"Catherine Phasma submitted the portfolio, even though it lacks the recognition of the others, no doubt as a favour to Miss Pava" he said suddenly, filling in some of the blanks in his fate theory.

"If it lacks the recognition of others, why did you chose it?' Rey demanded, unaccountably stung by the implied criticism.

"It had talent." he said, matter-of-factly, refilling his glass, his hand was tightly wrapped around it.

"Wait, did you say Phasma? Are you two still in touch?" she asked, her mind working furiously at the thread, pulling it. Catherine had never mentioned being in touch with Ben, even after she knew Rey had met him again.

"It'd be a little difficult not to be, as she is an employee of First Order" Ben said mildly, watching the expression on her face.

"You didn't know" he stated. She saw the way his dark eyes seemed to gobble up her emotions, greedily drinking in signs of feeling from her, though the rest of his face had regained it impassive caste.

"Why should I know, I'm only her roommate" she said, a little hurt, before straightening her spine and resting her hands on her hips.

"Which concept do you prefer?" she asked at length, bringing them back to work. He looked back to the folders on the table, perhaps sensing her discomfort with discussing her friend further with him. She found it oddly empathetic, or maybe he just didn't care.

"Number three. It's yours, isn't it"

"Do you prefer it? Or is it mine?" she asked, seeing the shape of Jessika approaching, through the frosted glass wall panel.

"Both"

The door opened on well-oiled hinges, and Jessika stopped in the doorway, no doubt reading the thick tension in the room. She looked between Ben and Rey, probably nervous Rey had said or done something to offend him yet again.

"We are all set" Jessika said, and Rey immediately slung her camera across her body and gathered up the filmy folders on the desk.

"Thank you for your time and we will be in touch shortly" Jessika was saying, and Rey took the opportunity to slip from the room. There was only so much of his cryptic coolness she could take in one day, and she had just about met her limit.

"Rey" he called, appearing at the door holding her bag. Cursing herself, she went back for it, Jessika continuing on to call the lift.

"Thanks" she muttered, steeling herself to hide how flustered he made her.

She took the strap from him, his finger just lightly touching hers as she did, the contact sending a wicked snap of heat through her. She was shocked by it. That he still affected her, after all this time. That she could still feel it, when she had closed that part of herself off so completely.

There had been a time when touching him had felt like coming home. She looked up at him in confusion, as his dark gaze seemed to pull hers to him.

"Hungry?" he asked, raising a fiendish eyebrow at her. The look on his face, paired with his low tone seemed so utterly suggestive for a moment, she had no idea what he could be talking about, her mind flying straight to the gutter.

"That always was your favourite" he continued, seeming closer now than he had been a moment before. Her bag hung from her hand, and she felt him pull the strap carefully up her shoulder, settling it there as she stared at him, the weight of the bag pulling it in all directions drunkenly.

"Anything with chocolate" he finished, with an almost smile. The chocolate, protein bars, her bag, her thoughts caught up with themselves suddenly and she looked down to see the zip burst open on the top of her bag, and her very many chocolate protein bars stuffed inside.

"Rey?' Jessika called, holding the lift, and Rey tore her eyes from his.

"See you soon, Rey" he said quietly, as she turned from him and hurried to the lift, her bag hitting her thigh with every step, her hand still blazing and that reminder of their shared past burning brightly in her mind. Her last glimpse of Ben was him standing, so dark in those monotone surroundings, that shadow of a smile dropping away as she left, overtaken by an emptiness etched into the lines of his face, the kind that is years in the making.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Catherine felt as though she was being watched on the subway home, and all the way up the front stairs to her and Rey's apartment. As soon as she got to the door and opened it, falling inside, she took a deep breath, and tried to tell herself it was just paranoia. She started up the stairs, her legs tired from a full day of work, thinking about the chemical analysis report she'd taken a picture of with her phone, right behind Kylo Ren's back. It was the most daring thing she'd ever done, and it still gave her a thrill when she thought of it.

As she unlocked the door and entered, she was surprised to find Rey already home. She was sitting on the couch, with a bottle of wine open in front of her, and a glass in her hand. She was staring at a sketch pad on her knee, a pencil in the other hand.

"No Resistance tonight?"

"That sounds like a pop song" Rey snorted into her glass, as Catherine dropped her things and rounded the couch, looking down at her friend.

"What's up?" she asked, sensing straight away a strange energy emitting from Rey.

"Grab a glass, sit. We need to have a conversation" Rey said, and looked up at her. Catherine knew instantly who it was about. That was the things about guilt, She'd been waited for something like this to happen since Rey had called and said she'd met Ben again. She took her time pouring a glass of white, sitting gingerly on the couch and facing Rey.

"Ok, let me explain. When I first got the job, I wasn't sure I'd last past probation, and we didn't live together then anyway, so I didn't really think about it. I didn't even know at first. I knew my boss, and the founder was a man called Kylo Ren, but I didn't see him for a while, and then, when I did, I couldn't be sure." Catherine said, wondering if Rey would believe her, as far-fetched as it sounded. Rey nodded reluctantly.

"He's different" she acknowledged.

"Not just different, he's like another person. I didn't know him like you did back then, so for me, it was more the feeling of remembering Ren from something before, and it not quite clicking. Eventually, I got it, when I saw him once, looking at the newspaper on his desk. He wasn't reading it, but he was staring at a picture, and his finger touched the surface gently, as if to wipe something away. After, I saw the same edition on the way home, and it was pictures of a charity gala, with Leia Organa on the front, and I figured it out. Not long after, he asked me about you, so I guess I would have figured it out then anyway" Catherine said, surprised to find her wine almost finished.

"What did he ask?"

"Just general things, if I knew where you were living now, what you'd done after high school, if Jack still lived at the school. I didn't tell him anything, I wouldn't."

"Yeah, you're good at doing that, it seems" but this time, Rey's lip tilted a little, and Catherine relaxed. She was forgiven.

"Didn't you think submitting Jessika's portfolio might bring us into contact?" she asked mildly.

"Yeah, that wasn't well thought out, but it was so hard to deny her…" Catherine said morosely.

"Are you upset? Did you not… want to run into him again?" Rey considered it, her head tilted to the side, wrapping her hands around her knees.

"No. I think a part of me always knew I would" she said finally, before looking up at Catherine with a laugh.

"Is that weird?"

"No. I don't think so… you have unfinished business" Catherine said mildly.

"I think he feels the same" she added, thinking of the remote vulnerability she had seen when her intimidating boss had asked about their mutual friend.

"He said something to me, about fate connecting us." Rey mused.

"Maybe so, maybe you were meant to meet again, to get over all that happened before."

"Maybe." Rey agreed, though she couldn't help but wonder why it felt so like the start of something, rather than the end.

* * *

Kylo Ren watched himself in the mirror of the elevator. He tried to shed the softness seeing Rey had brought into his visage, strapping on his armour, piece by piece, adopting the façade his mentor required of him. The façade he required of himself, to endure.

The red light of the room was meant to be soft on the eyes, but it always took Kylo several minutes to adjust to the low illumination, seeing only blurry, half shapes and the glow of electronic equipment to orient himself, as he stepped reluctantly from the bright lift.

"Come, Kylo Ren. I can see you are troubled, as I haven't seen you troubled in years. Tell me, my son, what ails you"

When exactly Professor Snoke had started to call him son, Kylo wasn't sure, but tonight, more than other nights, it rankled. He walked into the darkness, and blinked, trying to locate the old man by the sound of his voice.

"It is nothing"

"It is not nothing, if I say so" Snoke said imperiously, and Kylo nodded his head reflexively.

"Hux tells me we are behind on authorisations for the next round of drug trials. This will bring the company much money and power, why do you dally?" his teacher asked, and Kylo felt unease working up his throat.

"There are… some discrepancies in the paperwork. Perhaps it would be best to rerun the trials" he suggested, already flinching back from Snoke's wrath, which was sure to follow. Silence met his statement, and after a few seconds, he looked up to find the man himself perched on a chair not far from him, surrounded by his medical equipment and screens of monitors, through which Kylo could see almost every room in the building. Snoke was looking at him, his head to the side.

"Yes, Now I see. I wasn't sure, I knew her but briefly, though I knew your infatuation was cell deep. It _is_ her, the misfit orphan from your childhood."

The thought that Snoke had seen Rey, had been watching her, walking innocently through the halls of their lair, chilled his blood and made his mouth dry. He swallowed down that fear, instinctive and clouding.

"She has nothing to do with the reported findings being suspect" Kylo protested, but quieted as Snoke held up a warning hand.

"You expect me to believe that your lack of faith in your teacher, and your reticence to carry out your duty to this company have nothing to do with the girl's appearance? How coincidental." Snoke voice was cruel as it mocked him. It told Kylo that his denial wasn't believed, and it set his teeth on edge.

"She means nothing to me." He said, and the falseness of the statement rang hollowly in his ears. He was glad the room was dark, glad Snoke couldn't see the lie written firmly across his features.

Rey had never meant nothing to him, she couldn't, quite the opposite in fact. He had been able to hide away his weakness for her while she had been absent from his life, but now, back in all her piercing glory, his mask was crumbling. How brittle it must have been to begin with, he thought lowly. Such are things built on death and despair.

"You feel compassion for her, and it will be your undoing. You must recognise this in yourself before you can seek to rectify it." Snoke snapped, clearly not believing his lame lie.

"You must not let her distract you again, you must ensure that you are honest with yourself." Snoke was saying.

"If she makes you weak, either cut her out your life, as you did your mother." He continued, with brutal efficiency, slicing Kylo in half with the cruel words.

"Or, if that pains you so, find a way to reduce her influence, by exploring your curiosity and ridding yourself of it once and for all!" Snoke finished roughly. Kylo jerked his head up at his mentor, the man who had been with him for longer than he could remember, a cold hard voice of reasonable contempt and subversion in his ear since boyhood. He always deferred to him, he knew best, Kylo had learned it well enough by now.

"You advise me to – enter an arrangement with Rey" even as he said it, his traitorous heard beat a tattoo of hope.

"If you must, to rid yourself of your earthly base desires to _know_ her. We all have weaknesses Kylo Ren. She is yours" Snoke said, and Kylo felt he was being dismissed. He started to turn away toward the elevator, pausing only as a question occurred to him.

"Professor?"

"Hmm"

"What is your weakness?" he asked, and for some reason, he was afraid to hear the answer.

"My weakness, my dear boy – is _you_ "

Kylo turned back to the elevator, driven forward by a feeling of nausea and terror.

He felt Snoke's eyes on him as he waited for the doors to open, and stepped inside. Only once they had closed and the lift was plummeting down, did he allow his hands to shake, resting his forehead on the cool interior wall.


	16. I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it

Later that week, after sweating through another hot training session at Knights of Ren, one that Mikey Anayah's brother hadn't shown up for, she thought about her upcoming shift on Saturday night. She wondered if Ben would show up, and chased the thought away immediately. What she didn't need was to fixate on him again. Who knows what men like Kylo Ren did at the weekend, she thought grimly. Probably poured over plans to take over the world and sacrifice virgins. No, she reminded herself wryly, the latter wasn't his thing.

She climbed the stairs to the apartment, trailing the heavy training bag in her hand, stopping suddenly, when she saw a sliver of darkness breaking the usually white expanse of wall at the top of the stairs. It was dark, the only light drifting up from below, but even then, usually, the white door and white wall were pretty seamless, when the door was shut. The crack of darkness was about a foot wide.

The door was open, but the lights were off.

She finished climbing the stairs and gently lowered her bag to the floor, pulling one of her staffs out its holding place on the outside of the bag. She held it to her side, and approached the door. She wondered briefly is she was being stupid investigating herself, but Rey couldn't help but revert back to her scavenger childhood, and if someone was in her house, taking her things, she couldn't stop herself from drifting to the doorway.

She carefully pushed the door open soundlessly, and stepped inside. She left the lights off, which would just alert someone in another room, and let her eyes adjust for a few moments, gradually making out the shapes of the couch and fridge. She stepped into the room more fully, leaving the door open behind her, should she need to run for it. She then started to slowly and methodically check every room, always keeping her focus on the front door and her back.

10 minutes later, she was satisfied that there was no one there, and locked the front door and turned on the lights. What she saw brought a lump to her throat. Crushed glass littered the floor, picture frames had been pulled from the walls, pillows slashed on the couch, the kitchen cabinets emptied and bits of rice and pasta cracked under her feet as she inventoried the mess. She sat numbly and called Finn first, who told her what to do, then the police, followed by Catherine, and then and only then, she allowed herself a few self-pitying tears, cradling a picture of her and Jack to her chest.

Finn arrived first, calling from the door, with a soft knock.

"Rey? It's me" she pushed herself to her feet and trudged through the debris to open the door.

"Shit" he breathed as he looked around his old home.

"Tell me about it" Rey sighed, going back to the couch. Finn passed her a bag of Chinese take out and a bottle of wine in a carrier bag.

"Your favourite" he said, open the cupboard under the sink for trash bags.

"The police said –"

"Not to touch anything… right. Erm, I think you might be out of glasses" he said apologetically as Rey twisted the screw top off the wine.

"No sweat, got it covered" she said dully, taking a big gulp of the slightly warm Sauvignon Blanc from the bottle.

"Is anything missing?" he asked, still waking room to room.

"I don't know, I don't think so… not that there was much to steal in the first place" she muttered, knowing she should muster the energy to check more thoroughly before the police came. Finn entered the living room and sank down on the couch beside her, wincing as further stuffing from the ruined pillows floated into the air at his weight.

Rey held a dumpling to his mouth, and he took it, chewing slowly. She offered him a pull of the wine, but he shook his head.

"You've earned it" he muttered, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her into his side. He pressed a kiss onto her forehead.

"Does this mean I have to go to Ikea?" he said, sounding mildly afraid and Rey snorted. She heard the sound of the broken lock turning in the door, but before she could get worried, she heard Catherine saying her name.

"Rey, I got here as soon as-" she trailed off, looking in horror at the remains of her things. Rey snuggled closer into Finn's side, feeling guilty too now for Catherine, living in this rubbish neighbourhood, because it was all Rey could afford.

"What a mess" Catherine was muttering, and Rey could hear the now familiar sound of someone crunching over the ruins of her domestic life.

"Have you called the police?" she asked. She seemed even more on edge than Rey.

"Yeah, about a half hour ago" Finn supplied, before standing up and making his way to the door.

Catherine sank onto the couch beside Rey and she offered her the bottle of wine. She surprised her by taking a long swig.

"You guys should check your rooms for valuables, the police will need a list" Finn said, and Rey nodded, Catherine was already moving into her room, soft exclamations of alarm coming as she saw the extent of the damage.

Rey stood gingerly, putting the wine bottle down, suddenly a little shaky. She left Finn in the kitchen, picking salvageable food off the floor.

Her room was dark, and she saw that the bedside lamp was broken. The overhead lightbulb had been broken for a week or so, and she'd been too lazy to replace it, and she now cursed that oversight. She felt with her hands over a dresser top, and was lucky to find a scented candle and lighter, only knocked down the back. She lit it, her shaky fingers taking her a couple of tries, and let out a long sigh at the sight that greeted her.

Her pillows had been slashed, her mirror was cracked in numerous places, but worst of all, her art supplies were strewn about the floor, pastels crushed into the carpet, acrylics soaking through their tubes, as though trod on. One leg of her easel was snapped. She approached slowly, feeling her heart break a little, as she picked up the large canvas that had been on it, and turned it, to see a large rent down the front. That brought the tears back, and she felt a few hot trails of liquid drip down her cheeks, even as she laid the ruined canvas on the easel, which promptly toppled to the side.

"Rey?" Finn said, suddenly in her room. She swallowed, dashing her tears away.

"Locksmith will be here within the hour" he said, and she nodded gratefully. She kept her tear stained eyes from him, embarrassed to be showing such emotion in front of him, for some reason. It made her vulnerable, and she had already been too vulnerable with this man.

Do you guys want to come stay at ours?"

"You don't have space" she reminded him.

"It's ok anyway, it's late, I'm tired, I just want to be at home"

Finn stepped around her, and slowly reached for the canvas that had fallen, righting the easel, bringing his back to brush against her. He set it down gently, looking at the broken leg with a sigh.

"You're going to need a new one, I'm afraid" he said quietly. She nodded, her mind already wondering how long it would be before she could afford one, and if it should come before or after new plates and glasses. That was easy, she decided immediately. Before.

She realised she was shivering slightly, despite the warm air. He bent and picked up a cardigan on the floor, shaking it to check for glass, before holding it out to her.

"This neighbourhood isn't the kind of place-"

"Stop. Leave it" she sighed, tired beyond belief.

"Fair enough, you get a pass because of tonight, but we need to think about moving, and soon" he huffed, gathering her into his chest for a hug. It was warm and comforting and she felt some of her tension melt away.

* * *

The police eventually showed up, and they gave statements, nothing much was missing from either room, making it seem just a random act of vandalism, which didn't sit well with Rey.

Finn helped them clean up, piling things into trash bags and recycling piles. The flat looked pitifully empty afterward, scrubbed bare of its previous personality and quirkiness.

They pilled all the leftover pillows, blankets and comforters on the floor in the middle of the sitting room and settled in, all three together.

Catherine was strangely silently, and as Rey struggled to relax, even with the new locks, she glanced over at her friend, seeing her struggle.

"Are you ok? I've never seen you bite your nails before" she said, turning on her side to get a better look at her face. Catherine let out a long breath.

"No, I'm not ok. I think this might have been my fault" she confessed.

"What do you mean?" Catherine hesitated a long moment, before seeming to reach a conclusion, she sat up, pulling a blanket over her shoulders and braced her elbows on her crossed legs.

"I have to tell you something, and I know I should have before, I had the chance to, but I didn't and now, it's my fault. What if you'd come home earlier-" Catherine bit off, and jerked her face to away, red staining her cheeks. Rey realised the stoic girl was trying her best not to cry.

"I haven't told you everything, about First Order, and why I decided to work there." She paused, at a loss as where to started.

"I smell a conspiracy, go on" Finn said, giving her an encouraging smile.

"I need to break a big story, something really different and unexpected, and I thought, I think, I've found it, at First Order. I got a tip at my old newspaper, but my editor wasn't interested, so I decided to quit, go work there, see what I could dig up. I was at a dead end at the paper, stories about health code violations and holiday parades. I figured, if they gave me the job, despite my previous experience, then, they are opening themselves up for being investigated, I never lied about my background." Catherine said, finding her feet with the story and settling back a little.

"I don't think they would have given me the job, too risky for them, but then… I don't know how, but I think Ben… Kylo Ren, intervened."

"Wait, who's Ben?" Finn interjected and was ignored as Catherine ploughed on.

"He must approve all hires or something, because he definitely wasn't in the interview, though maybe he was watching"

Rey raised an eyebrow at that.

"Almost every room has a camera, if you're in the building, you're almost certainly being watched. Snoke, the other… partner, watches the feeds, maybe Ben does too sometimes" Catherine explained.

"Ok, creepy, continue" Rey said.

"So, they hired me, and I started to look around, poke my nose into things, as well as I could without raising supposing. There's a lot there, despite the fact that some of the projects they are funding are definitely linked to weapon research and manufacture, I'm pretty sure they sell to the highest bidder, whether that be terrorists, which, ok, isn't that different from the government, but… it's not good" Catherine continued.

"It's the research funding that I feel like the story lies in, that, and maybe their drug trials"

"Drug trials?"

"They've made a lot of money funding research into new cure all, miracle pills, which get pushed through the appropriate restrictions with barely a glance. There's so much corruption there, bribery, extortion maybe, I don't know."

"Do you think… Ben is part of all this?" Rey asked, a heavy stone sinking in her chest at the thought. Ben, the volatile and lonely boy, made into a monstrous machine of capitalist apathy, profiting off the mistreatment of others, casting himself further and further into darkness.

"I don't see how he couldn't be… he's different now, you said it yourself"

"Please someone explain who Ben is!" Finn pleaded.

"My high school friend" Rey supplied, waving him to be quiet so she could listen.

"They have made enormous amount of money, and funnelled it into supplying arms to militant groups, radicals, extremists, in hidden and round about ways"

"Why do that? How does that make you money?"

"After a certain amount of money, maybe it's not about acquiring wealth anymore, maybe it's just about… watching the world burn" Catherine said, raising worried eyes to Rey's. She knew that Rey must be thinking about Ben, and if he that kind of man. Rey was remembering his graduation, before everything had fallen apart, and the instant dislike she'd taken to Snoke and his seditious ideas.

 _"To free yourself of society and its judgements, to liberate yourself from the chains of morality and arbitrary rules and laws, is to be truly free"_

 _"But – without morality, what would we do?"_

 _"Whatever we wanted"_

"It's not Ben, I mean, I don't think it is. It's Snoke"

"But isn't looking the other way just as bad? I'm pretty sure Kylo Ren's name is all over the paperwork"

"Snoke influences him, he always did." Rey whispered, sure of it in her heart.

"Who's Kylo Ren?"

"My boss" Catherine said, only adding to Finn's confusion.

"And who is Ben, in this?"

"He's Kylo Ren"

"Ben is Kylo Ren" Finn repeated, looking more confused than ever.

"So, why could this be your fault?" Rey asked suddenly, circling back to where they started.

"I saw something on Ren's desk, a chemical analysis report, it was probably nothing, but I've got nothing else to show for all my time there so far so I took a photo of it." Catherine said, pulling her phone out and showing it to Rey.

"It didn't work, too blurry, I was nervous and messed up. It probably doesn't say anything incriminating anyway, but maybe it's why someone broke in here"

"They thought you'd leave your phone here when you were at work?"

"Or maybe that I'd backed it up somewhere, I don't know."

"Maybe it was a warning" Finn said slowly, the words sending the temperature in the darkened flat falling a few more degrees.

"How did they know you took a picture?"

"The cameras I guess… Snoke is always watching. I can't see one in Ren's office, I thought that the prodigal son would be immune to the same scrutiny as the rest of us, but it seems he isn't" Catherine said, mulling it over.

"I wonder if he knows that" Rey said, thoughtfully.

"Ok, someone needs to explain Ben or Kylo Ren or whoever he is, right now!" Finn demanded, and Rey obliged, though, as always it pained her. She explained to Finn how she hadn't seen Ben in years, leaving out how they parted, and that he had shown up again, at First Order Finance, but they weren't close anymore.

"What are you thinking? You were really close with this guy? Is there a story there?" Finn asked.

"I don't know. I don't want to believe that anyone could be complicit in something so awful, especially someone I used to know"

"People do messed up things" Finn said heavily.

She thought of Ben and his family. A little boy spoiled for material possessions and starved for understanding and attention. She thought of the same little boy growing into an angry young man, ready to direct his pain and loneliness outward, urged on by a dark voice in his ear. She thought of that same man so removed from emotion and feeling that there is only static where his heart used to beat. How much isolation from humanity can a soul take, before it forgets what it is to be human?

"Yes. People do" she agreed quietly.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

First Order Finance's offices were exactly what she imagined a faceless, soulless money monster would reside in. Too big, too impersonal and the sheer monotone of everything inside was overwhelmingly oppressive. She had been wandering about the various function rooms and meeting spaces for a few hours now, and could feel her creativity dying a painful death. There weren't even any plants in the office, she thought in despair. As she walked, taking pictures of the spaces, she was mindful of the security cameras in every room and hallway, overlapping each other so there wouldn't be any blind spots. It seemed over kill. She then thought of Snoke, squatting like some pale, fetid spider in a web of camera screens upstairs, watching all the little ants in his hill rushing about at his bidding.

"Trying your hand at art again, are we? No extra shifts going at the strip joint?" a sneering voice said to her as she helped herself to a coffee from the fancy machine, as instructed by Margot, Ben's assistant. Before she turned, she pasted the brightest smile on her face and turned around cheerfully.

"Hey you, I was wondering when you'd crawl out your hole. Having a nice day?" she chirped. Hux scowled at her, preened to perfection in navy suit and purple shirt and tie, his red hair combed aggressively into neat submission.

"There was an awful smell, like refuse, wafting up the hall, I'd be remiss if I didn't check it out" he sniffed and she couldn't help rolling her eyes at him.

"Right, you really need to get some new material. Think outside the box, you can do it, I know you can." She said, looking him in the eye as she made to pass.

"I believe in you" she said, and walked away grinning. Maybe being able to torment Hux would be worth suffering his presence.

She had worked her way up and down the labyrinthine floors of the building, getting progressively higher. Finally, unable to put it off longer, she found herself on the executive floor. She steered clear of the corner office with the black matt name plate and headed in the opposite direction. There was banquet door at the end of the hall, and she knocked gently, before pushing the door open.

She had thought it might be another empty conference room, with Margot telling her that there were no external meetings scheduled that day, so she'd be able to come and go from the public spaces with ease.

Her eyes darted from the one thing to the next, even while she took in the tall, black clothed man standing in the middle of the floor mats, spinning a katana with ease in an intricate motion. It must have only been a split second, before she adjusted and started to close the door, but it was too late. He had seen her.

"Rey" the words whipped out across the space between them, sharp and commanding, and it stopped her with her foot over the threshold, and hands already pulling the heavy doors closed.

He had been conspicuously absent all day, a fact that she had been irritated with herself for even noticing. With everything Catherine had said, she wanted to see him even less than before, especially here, in the den of evil, she thought, unable to tear her eyes away from him approaching her. He wore a black karategi, and Rey could see it was a heavy fabric, stiff and unyielding, the black belt barely distinguishable against the midnight fabric. His feet were bare, and his hair was falling around his face in lose waves that she remembered all too well.

His face was far too appealing, flushed from its usual parlour by the exercise, his high cheeks a softer pink, his dark eyes a little more alive than usual.

"I'm working" she stated, a little unnecessarily, as she couldn't think of anything else to say, and instead looked around the room. It was decorated in a traditional style, with mats marking a combat space, and a tatami mat to the side for meditating. There were weapons around the walls, and her eyes were drawn to a staff mounted on the wall, a thing of beauty, inset with mother of pearl.

"Do you still practise?" he asked, following her gaze and lifting the staff off the wall with ease. He approached her slowly, holding it out to her. She nodded as she reached out a fingertip to trace the iridescent stone, before dropping her hands back to her sides.

It was too short for him, Rey thought critically as he set the end on the ground beside her, and nodded to it.

"Go ahead, try it out" he said. She shook her head, stepping backwards, suddenly sure that this was dangerous for reasons she couldn't understand. He watched her, that same impassive look on his face as usual, before lightly throwing the bo at her. Her hands shot out instinctively, and she caught it smoothly, and turned a withering look on him. He had the audacity to smirk a little, the tip of his full lip tugged upward.

"It suits you" he said, stepping away and leaving her to admire the staff in her hands. She wrapped her hands around the light wood, balancing it between her two hands, getting a feel for the beautiful weapon. She experimentally struck out at the space in front of her, a short jab intended to push someone back. She couldn't help the smile that snuck across her face. The green and pink sheen on the staff glittered with the movement and she whirled to sweep it around, feel the weight in an overhead move, when a hard clack reverberated up her arm, as the pale staff met a jet black one.

Her eyes shot to his as she looked at him in question. He twirled his own staff, a good foot longer than the one he'd given her, and it made a dark, gracefully loop in the air as he raised it into an opening stance.

"For old time's sake?" he said quietly, that usual look of distance on his features replaced with one of concentration and something else. She wasn't sure what to call it, but it seemed to be communicating some sort of intent. He looked at her with intent.

"No, I should get on" she said, dropping the point of the staff toward the floor, and then jerking it up at the last minute to knock away a jab from Ben.

"Stop it" she commanded, looking behind her to see where she could go. He feinted a move, an old tactic of his, that she recognised instantly, and went the opposite way to block, their staff meeting with a satisfying whack.

He smirked again, almost a real smile for an instant.

"Come on Rey, don't waste this opportunity"

"What opportunity?"

"To beat the shit out of me, like I deserve" he said, and his words stayed her, her mouth dropping open a moment as she weighed his words.

"You think knocking you around a little would make up for – what happened? What you did?" she asked, her tone was hard and unflinching, and he met it equally honestly.

"No" he said, straightening up and shaking his head.

"No I don't. I know there's no way back. I know it's too late" he said, and Rey shifted her grip on the staff, horrified to feel something similar to tears pricking her eyelids. She turned to the side and studied a calligraphy scroll decorating the wall, following the sweeping lines to try and calm the very visceral reaction she was having at his defeated words.

"But anger can be cathartic. Violence can be a release" he was saying, as she turned abruptly and brought her staff up to hit him in the side. He twisted away at the last moment, shock on his face morphing quickly into resolve and satisfaction. She stared at him, colour high on her cheeks. She felt a strength flowing through her, high and wild. It was anger she realised, anger and hurt. She advanced on him, bring up her staff in bursts of short, sharp hits, as he walked backwards deflecting. She attacked, he defended, for the most part.

Her strikes rained down hard, and she started to vary her pattern, turning, advancing, jabbing, striking. He managed to deflect most, though one or two hit their targets, his soft grunts urging her on.

"Fight back" she commanded, as another strike snapped his head back. He shook his head a moment to recover, and then, as she brought in an overhead too wide, he stepped into the circle of her arms, twisted her around and pulled her back against his chest.

"I don't want to hurt you"

"Since when?" she grunted as she bucked against his staff, now pressed lightly against her chest, pinning her to him.

"Since always" she could feel his warm breath in her hair, and it sent goose bumps trailing down her spine.

"Well, it's a little late for that" she said, stamping down in the instep of his bare foot. He let go, and she spun around, bringing her staff in a hard arc toward his jaw, stopping only at the very last second. She realised he was just standing there, despite having had time to defend, he hadn't even raised a hand.

She dropped her staff, feeling hot and overwhelmed. Her clothes were a tight restriction on her skin that she couldn't stand and her cheeks were burning. She stared up at him.

"What are we doing? What are you doing?" she asked, more confused than ever.

"I'm –" he trailed off, seeming at a loss for an answer, his jet black staff made a lazy swirl in the air.

"I need to get back to work" she said decidedly. She made to leave the room, and was blocked by Ben stepping into her path.

"Have dinner with me"

"What? No" she said indignantly, pushing him aside, though as she passed, he caught her arm.

"A drink?"

"No way" she said, and pushed his arm away, and stopped as she felt the same hand grab her closer again. She glowered up at him.

"Coffee then?" Rey felt her fragile patience snap.

"Why? Why are you pursing me like this, when you couldn't have cared less about me 6 years ago, and haven't thought of me since"

"You have no idea how often I've thought of you" he snarled back, stepping in, bringing their chests almost into contact.

"You are a constant presence in my head-"

"Well, that's your problem" She said, twisting from his grip and knocking his hand away with her staff, finishing with it in front of her in a defensive posture.

"In that case, what are you running away from? Why are you so afraid?" he said.

"How dare you ask me that, do you really have no idea? Are you that blind?" she cried, refusing to turn her accusing eyes from his.

"Don't you know what you did to me? How you fucked me up? I've never even – . I can't –" she couldn't say it, couldn't get the words out and instead struck her staff out to meet his, knocking it away hard, opening him to attack, though he instinctively turned out her reach, dancing away from her furious strikes.

"Can't what?' he prodded and received a renewed strength of strike for his efforts. It was only a moment, a moment where she was open, preparing a hard jab and he could have taken it, disarmed her. But he didn't, and the blow knocked him off his feet. She stood over him, her chest rising and falling rapidly, her staff poised at his neck as he looked up at her, his eyes fixed on her with impossible intensity.

"I wanted to know… if one of us had managed to escape that terrible affliction… that we once shared" he said suddenly, and she saw a look of naked vulnerability cross his face.

"What, being surly, difficult teens?" she sniped.

"Loneliness. We were both so lonely, until we met each other" his voice was a soft and honest murmur. She stared at him, trying to see him as the man he wanted to be now, superior and above it all, and yet in that question, she could only see the boy.

"I might be alone, but I am not lonely, anymore" she said, deciding to give him that, in the memory of Ben she saw lying before her.

"I'm glad' he murmured, and she heard in it everything that he wasn't saying, that he was lonely, and had given up hope of that ever changing.

"Well, if that's everything, I should be going" she said suddenly, his gaze seeing too much, showing too much. It was all too much. The locked box of their shared past was too dangerous, its destructive power too great, to play with like this.

"Wait. Stay. Just for a little while longer" he said, shifting up on his elbows. The neck of his gi gaped a little, and she could see a pale expanse of muscle underneath.

"Why?" she asked in exasperation. They were playing with fire, and she felt suddenly afraid.

"Because I am asking you to" he said, a note of underlying steel and frustration creeping into his tone, and she wondered if it pained him to be supplicant under her like this. He, who for as long as she could remember craved others submission and never his own.

"I see you still haven't got that temper under control… or it just that you can't get me under control, if that's still your thing" she said, intended to wound him, instead, he pinned her with a dark look, full of intent and feeling, sitting up into an upright position carefully, forcing her staff to the side. And then, slowly, as though not to spook her, he raised his knees, his long legs bringing them into contact with the back of hers, causing her to pitch a little forward, and reached for her hips. Ever so slowly, he pulled her down until she was straddling him, cradled between his chest and his knees, her staff rolling off to the side.

Rey couldn't think. She felt possessed. Her heart was pounding and she felt things, dark and intriguing things, that she hadn't felt since the last time she had been touched by the same hands that were now locked on her hips. She didn't know why she was allowing him to touch her at all, never mind pulling her into such a suggestive position, but her curiosity, her desire, peaked its head from a long-forgotten corner of her psyche and it felt a wild kind of longing. It felt hungry. The part that had been captured by the look on Eliza Montgomery's face, that desired to know what Ben could do that would make someone look like that. The part of her that had learned what desire was from this man, and had never unlearned her reaction to him.

"That is indeed still my thing, and to be honest, nothing has ever trumped the 16-year-old you, kneeling before me, offering me the world" he said, his voice a lowly purr and Rey blushed scarlet at the words.

"Don't. Don't remind me. 6 years ago, you broke my heart. You abandoned me and rejected me, even though you knew – what that would do to me. Now, you're making me relive it like it was nothing. Why do you hate me so much?" Rey asked with naked honestly, her hot skin prickling in embarrassment, and felt that dreaded, unwanted moisture wetting her eyes.

Her words made contact with him, their target true, she could see the sadness in his eyes, suddenly open to her again. When he looked at her she saw Ben, unchanged in their time apart, as lonely and afraid as ever. She also saw anger, and realised it was at himself, for hurting her. He dutifully added it to all the things he already hated about himself.

'I don't hate you Rey, I could never. You could run me through with a knife, knock my head off with your staff and I wouldn't even be angry at you. I've never forgotten you in these years apart, you've never been far from my mind, and I regret that day constantly. I wish I could take it back. You've haunted me Rey." His impassioned voice had frozen her to the spot. Her heart had taken up residence in her mouth, and it was all she could do to stare at him numbly. He was so close, and she could finally study his face at her leisure, seeing things she hadn't before. A scar on his eyebrow, the tiredness around his eyes, a hint of stubble on his jaw.

"I want you to make me the same offer"

"Excuse me?" those next words jolted her from his thrall.

"I want you to allow me to accept your offer, as I should have then" He sat back and watched her closely, as she thought furiously to sort her roiling emotions.

"I've surprised you" he stated, as she continued to stare at him in stunned silence.

"I –I thought it was too late. I thought the past had to die" she said numbly, throwing his words back at him, buying time to think, and then freezing even further as his large hands rose to cup her face, sweeping long fingers up the curve of her jaw.

"But not us, not this. We aren't just the past, you cannot deny this feeling between us, we are now and tomorrow as well…" he murmured and then pressed his forehead against hers. She felt his finger trace a path over her lips, before being replaced by his lips. He kissed her more softly than she would have expected from this man who seemed to strive to be devoid of emotion. She felt a long, hot tear drip from her eye, trailing down her cheek to their lips, fused together in a slow, searing dance. She let her lips part, that same teenage abandon filling her, the Rey that threw all she had at this man suddenly trembling with victory, and the adult she'd become in the wake of his rejection pulling away all at once.

"Don't be afraid – I feel it to" he whispered in the tiny gap she'd put between them, his breath still scorching her skin, now pressing his lips to the corners of hers, to her cheeks and jaw.

"I thought you threw me away to save me – save my soul, remember?" she said, cold memory filtering through the haze of desire that he was building in her. He leaned away to capture her with a look.

"I did, and it was the foolish hubris of youth. I understand my mistake now, my ego. I know you Rey, I can see your light. It was bright beyond belief when we were young, and now, it dazzles. You aren't in any danger from me anymore" he said, sliding his hands to her waist, his skin coming into contact with a band of exposed skin and subjecting her to another fresh, flush of goose bumps.

"You won't fall in love with me, as I am now. You couldn't. I'm not the sort of man, _you_ could ever love. You're safe. You'll be safe" he said with certainty, as he raised his hips under her a moment, and she felt the press of him for a fleeting second, hard and alien, male and urgent, and that reminder, as well as his words sent her scrambling back off him.

The spell was broken, as they stared at each other. He looked unkempt, his hair in disarray, his robe pulled to expose one shoulder, breathing hard and staring at her with fire in his eyes. And she was sure she looked the same, as reality descended slowly. She glanced up at the corners of the room, everything occurring to her at once. She saw the blinking red security light flashing. Ben followed her gaze, his own soft look hardening as he remembered the security feed.

"No one is watching"

"Right"

"He wouldn't. This is private" Ben said, pulling himself up to standing, and Rey had to look away. He was too close and too far and she couldn't think around him.

"I don't think I can work on this project" she said slowly, straightening her top, and tucking her hair back in it's bun. Her eyes were trained on the wall, the floor, anywhere but at the man standing to her side burning holes into her cheek with his eyes.

"Why not?" he said, though his words sounded defeated, empty once more. The mask of Kylo Ren slipping seamlessly into place.

"Because I don't think I can be around you. I don't think I want to" _Or I maybe I want to too much_ she admitted to herself as she made for the door.

"Take the weekend. Think about it. For Pava Interior's sake." He said coldly, and she paused, fighting the urge to turn back and see him once more. To see if the man who had kissed her brokenly, and the one now ruthlessly trying to manipulate her, looked the same.

In the end, she just pushed open the door and left, the loud clang of the heavy metal shutting reverberating in the empty hall behind her.


	17. Fire meet gasoline

A low whistle sounded as Rey stepped out the cab, and she looked up to see Poe standing at the entrance to the club on his phone.

"Thanks for making me feel like a piece of meat" she said, with a sharpness she didn't really feel. She'd been on edge since she'd practically fled First Order. His easy smile fell away and he said goodbye to the person on the other end of the line and hung up.

"Shit. Sorry. I thought it was…" he trailed off, his expression abased.

"Flattering? Right" she said with a stiff smile. She smoothed her short skirt down and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Let's start again, can we?" Poe wheeled, putting his phone away and gently putting his hands on Rey's shoulders and giving a quick, friendly hug.

"Hello sweetheart, you look very nice" he tried and Rey rolled her eyes at his theatrics.

"As does the birthday girl!" he said, turning to Catherine who had just managed to wrestle her long legs from the cab. He went and hugged her and Rey took a long, deliberate breath, willing herself to relax. Poe charmed Catherine into a smile, and Rey trailed behind them into the club.

It wasn't too late yet, and the place wasn't as packed as it would get later. The music was loud, and she had to shout in Poe's ear to get his attention.

"Is Jess here yet?" He nodded in response and nodded to a roped off section toward the back of the dancefloor. She left Poe and Catherine at the bar and made her way to the couches she could see some of her friends already on.

"Rey!" Finn called, waving her over to a comfy looking seat. She nodded and smiled at him, making her way to Jessika. She sat down beside her and waited for her to finish her conversation with a man leaning over from the bar.

"Rey, hi" Jessika said, her eyes sparkling.

"Hey, nice" Rey said, as she followed Jessika's excited look at the man.

"Are you ok? Did something happen at First Order today?" Jessika said in the next breath, and Rey steeled herself. She looked at her friend a long moment, unsure when to start, when she felt another hand touch hers. She looked down to see Jessika's hand gripping hers.

"Did you quit? It's ok if you did. I know – It's kind of obvious that there's more to the story you told me about Hux and then, when I saw you with Kylo Ren. There's history there, right?" Jessika was saying and Rey felt a knot welling in her throat. She nodded.

"It's fine, it's better actually, because that whole office was just so-" Jessika was saying quickly.

"I didn't quit, not completely, I have to decide over the weekend." Rey breathed out, slumping forward at the admission, glad the weight was off her shoulders. Jessika regarded her a long moment.

"But you should. We should, I can do it on Monday" Jessika said decisively.

"It's such a big contract – I can try to-"

"No. Rey, no. I shouldn't have let it get this far. I just thought that once the daily work got going, I could handle the higher ups and leave you to do your thing, independently. But they aren't going to let that happen. So, we should quit now, before we waste any time on it, except you already worked today…" Jessika trailed off, biting her lip. She gave a yelp of surprise as Rey suddenly hugged her.

"What are we talking about?" Rose said from beside her, and the girls looked up at her, laughing.

"Get in here" Rey said, grabbing the slender girl around the waist and pulling her down beside her.

The music changed, loudly booming through the club, and for a moment, Rey felt lighter than she had in weeks.

 _"Girl, you know I want your love  
Your love was handmade for somebody like me"_

"What are we doing?" Rose laughed as Rey stood up, pulling them with her.

"We're dancing"

* * *

A couple of hours, and a few too many cocktails later, Rey hobbled back to the seats, her feet demanding a break.

She was watching her friends fooling around on the darkened dance floor when Rose came swaying over and sat with her, holding two water bottles.

"Here, Finn thought we might need these" she said, passing it over, and Rey took it gratefully. Hours of dancing and shouting over music had left her hoarse. She gulped down the sweetly cool liquid.

"Finn mentioned that Ben Solo is back in your life." Rose said suddenly and Rey tensed a little, despite the alcohol flowing through her veins.

"Isn't he… the one… from high school?" Rose asked carefully, and she loved her at that moment. So gentle and supportive, if a little drunk, going by the hiccups. She smiled at her as she nodded.

"How is that going?"

"It's not. We shouldn't speak, it just makes everything worse" Rey mumbled, and became aware of Rose watching her out the corner of her eye.

"Don't psychoanalyse me" she said warningly, but with a tired smile.

"I wouldn't dream of it, it's just that… after all that, it can't be simple. Seeing him again, interacting with him. If you need to talk about it" Rose said.

"It is simple. We shouldn't interact or see each other again. I'm over it. Full stop" she said emphatically, and could see Rose holding herself back from saying something.

"What? Come on Tico, spit it out"

"Well, it's just that if you were over it… I would expect it to be fairly easy to interact or see each other, you wouldn't care." Rose said, with her usual gentleness. Rey slumped back, letting a long breath out.

"Is it – easy?" she asked, and Rey couldn't help the dry laugh from falling from her lips.

"No. It's the furthest thing from easy" she admitted.

"Today, he… brought it all up. That night, graduation, my _offer_ , god" she said, dropping her face into her hands for a moment, embarrassment flaring far and wide.

"Really? Why?" Rose asked. Rey laughed again, though there was no humour in it. She could scarcely believe it herself.

"He asked me to repeat it – the offer. He wanted to take me up on it. 6 years later" she said, that ragged laugh that she couldn't help falling from her lips sounding more and more humourless. Rose's eyebrows rose in surprise, her pretty mouth falling into an oh of shock.

"What did you say?"  
"What do you think? I told him to get lost"

"What did he do?" Rey bit her lip, unsure suddenly how much to share.

"He kissed me" she confessed.

"How did you feel?" Rose asked, and Rey narrowed her eyes at her.

"I'm not psychoanalysing you, I promise. I don't think I'm capable right now. I'm just curious" she said and Rey took another long pull of water as she considered her answer.

"I don't know. It was confusing. I felt annoyed at him, furious really. But at the same time, I felt… I didn't want him to stop" she said, and it really did feel like a confession, a dark one.

"I'm so messed up inside, aren't I? Too broken to fix?"

"Why would you say that?" Rose asked gently.

"Because, how much of a masochist do you have to be to still want someone after all that?" Rose looked at her with empathy and Rey avoided her gaze.

"I guess I have more of my mother in me than I thought" she said with grim humour.  
"She had these boyfriends, who would treat her like dirt, and she would keep letting them come back to her, move back in with us, until it would all start again, a never-ending cycling of weakness" Rey said, now concentrating on pulling the wrapper off the bottle.

"I didn't know your mother, but I know you Rey, and you are not a masochist, and you're not a push over either. You have an enormous heart, but you guard it well. Ben, he got inside. And you're not the sort of person who leaves someone behind, not someone who has been behind the wall." Rose said, and Rey tried to imagine herself as the Rose was describing.

She bit her lip, seeing Poe in the distance, looking their way. She hoped he didn't come over, and then felt guilty for feeling that way all at once. Rose followed her eyes.

"It's not your fault, if you don't want to be more than friends with Poe. You don't owe him anything. He's a great guy, and the girl who falls for him will be lucky, and she might live a wonderful, uncomplicated life of romance, full of heart felt honesty and openness… or… she might find that there is so much more under the surface of every relationship. We all have our demons." Rose said.

"Some more than others" Ry said darkly, thinking of that Ben and his boatload of issues combined with her own would probably break some kind of record.

"I've not felt like that in a long time, and never with Poe. The way I did, when Ben kissed me. It's like he took my heart and my sexuality with him, and I've never managed to get it back in all this time, until now" Rey mused.

"You still feel… desire for him?" Rose asked, and Rey nodded, unable to deny that glaring truth. She had already talked to Rose about her lack of desire, and no longer felt embarrassed to discuss how little she felt, and how abnormal that made her feel.

"When he kissed me, touched me, I wanted more, I wanted… all of it. Like I've been stuck on pause for 6 years"

"Desire is a living emotion, sometimes it's less physical than mental. Maybe you desire him because of the feelings you had for him, maybe because it was never resolved, it is unfinished" Rose said, seeming to turn in over in her own mind.

"So, how do I get over it? Because, believe me, there is nothing I want more than to be able to look at that gorgeous man, and drag him to bed with me" Rey laughed, spying Poe spinning Jessika around on the dancefloor, showcasing his superior dance skills. Rose spat out her water messily with her laugh.

"I've probably had way too much to drink, and this is not the advice I would ever give a client. But you're not a client, you're my friend and I know you much better than I'd know anyone else" Rose started and Rey braced herself.

"You have definitely had too much to drink and you're making me nervous"

"Well, it's like, the one thing you're not allowed to do, you want to do it even more, you know? It's like our subconscious' don't like being told they can't do something, and they won't rest until they do it" Rose was saying, and Rey frowned, following her line of thought.

"So, you're saying I should bang Ben, eliminate that curiosity and then I can be normal?" she asked, her voice rising a little toward the end.

"What's normal? Everyone is fucked up and everyone is fucked up in different ways – a famous Russian said that, I think. Anna Karenina I think" Rose was saying, and Rey couldn't stop laughing suddenly, at her inebriated friend.

"What I mean is that you're not a child, you're not some charity case needing pity sex from an old friend. You're a gorgeous woman, in control of her own sexual destiny. You have a Ben shaped itch you've wanted to scratch for 6 years – so scratch it. You decide to do it for you, not for him, not for Poe – for you Rey. Take what you want, and discard the remnants. He makes you feel things you don't with others and he wants you – who has the power in that relationship? It sure isn't him" Rose said, slapping a hand down on the table, and jostling the glasses.

"Ok, calm down" Rey laughed as she tugged her back to her feet.

"I think we need to dance again and work off some of this seriousness" she said.

"I'm just tired of woman feeling like second class citizens when it comes to sex, men are the instigators and woman merely suffer their attentions – the aggressors and gatekeepers - fuck that. Your pleasure and your sexual agency is just as important as his. And if you can admit to yourself, without shame, that you still want him, allow yourself what you want. We aren't talking about marriage. We are talking about you taking control of a sexual experience that you have waited long enough for" Rose was still saying as they pushed back onto the dance floor.

"Maybe it sucks that it's still him that turns you on, and only him, but it doesn't have to. You are not powerless, you are not weak. You never were. He should be scared of _you_ " her friend finished, punctuating her last word by reaching up on her tiptoes and pressing a kiss onto Rey's lips.

"What have I been missing?" Finn practically screeched from beside them and Rey laughed as he swung his arms around both their shoulders.

"Nothing, just your girlfriend being awesome"

"So, what else is new. Hi baby" he breathed, looking into Rose' upturned face.

"Hi" she smiled back, pushing herself into his arms.

"I'm going to leave you two to it." Rey said, heading toward Catherine. Rose's words swam in her head. She was pretty sure that line of advice wasn't going to end up in a textbook anywhere, but there was a part of her that longed for the empowerment of taking what she wanted from Ben physically, and then walking away. The fly in the ointment of the situation was her heart. She was certain her heart wouldn't be able to remain uninvolved, given how this afternoon had affected her.

"Rey Rey!" Catherine called, wrapping a strong arm around her middle.

"You're my best friend. Is that ok?" she asked suddenly, hugging her in tightly. Rey laughed and hugged her back.

"Of course it is, why wouldn't it be?"

"Because I lied to you about Ben, twice and got our apartment robbed" Catherine said, her slurred words making her a little hard to understand over the music, and Rey's own less than sober state.

"People make mistakes" Rey said consolingly.

Now they'd steamed past midnight into serious clubbing hours, the lights were extremely low, flashes of red and blue lighting up the air, and the music seemed louder than ever.

 _Have you got colour in cheeks?_

 _Do you ever get that fear that you can't shift?_

"I love this song!" Jessika shouted, appearing with the man from the bar in tow. Artic Monkeys caressed Rey's ear as Catherine suddenly gripped Rey's hand hard.

"Shit" Catherine suddenly said.

"What is it?" she looked up to see Catherine looking down the club, heads taller than most around her, Rey could tell she could see all the way to the door.

"Some people I invited to the party, and some I didn't" she said, frowned worriedly down at Rey.

"Who?" Rey asked, though it was unnecessary. She could feel him already, knew from Catherine's apologetic expression.

"My co-workers" Catherine confirmed.

"Ladies, why do I see such serious faces? I think another drink is in order" Poe said, appearing behind Catherine, his handsome face flushed with the heat.

"Yes, take Rey to the bar" Catherine instructed, in her usual decisive manner.

"I'll handle this" she said, and marched into the crowd, so much taller and more commandeering than all the rest. Rey felt small in there, hardly able to see over the mass of moving bodies crushing in on her. She glimpsed a flash of red hair under the neon lights on the raised seating area over the dancefloor, and turned immediately, knowing before she did what she would see.

Their eyes met in a moment of electricity. Head and shoulders above even most of the other men, a dark sentry, scanning the crowd, he was standing next to Hux, and he was focused on her, a stationary point in the writhing group around her.

"Rey, let's go, drink time" Poe said in her ear, his face brushing close, his hand falling to her shoulder to lean into her. If she had thought Ben's face had been hard before, it was nothing compared to the look he turned on Poe. When Ben's eyes turned back to hers, she was already turning away, following Poe to the bar, her hand in his to avoid being separated on the dancefloor, hiding in the crowd.

"Are you having fun?" Poe asked as they got a spot at the bar and ordered. Rey nodded, unable to keep her eyes from the mirror behind the bar and the crowd it showed.

"I was thinking, maybe we could have dinner this week, I found this little place, I just knew when I saw the menu that you'd love it" he was saying as he tentatively laid a hand atop hers on the bar and Rey abandoned her frantic surveillance and turned fully to her friend. This was something that had to be resolved, and before someone else could force a conclusion, and she decided to conclude it herself.

She smiled at him, sweetly and honestly, and then leaned forward, and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

"What was that for?" Poe asked, his generous mouth curving in a smile.

"Because, you're a great guy and a great friend. Thank you" she said. He watched her a little longer the corner of his mouth drooping eventually.

"And that's all?" he asked. Rey bit her lip, not wanting to hurt him, but unable to go on with the constant awkwardness between them. Maybe she could have continued it indefinitely, before seeing Ben again. Convinced herself to try harder, push more, get more drunk, who knows, though they were hardly healthy ways to embrace intimacy. Now though, now that she had felt it again, now that she knew she was capable, it made the nothingness she felt with Poe all the more unbearable.

Slowly she nodded.

"I'm sorry. I feel like I've led you on"

"Save it Rey, your apologies are no good here." He said, taking a long swig of beer from his bottle and bracing his hands on the bar.

"You can't say you didn't warn me, and that Finn didn't warn me, and Rose" he laughed as he scrubbed his face with his hand, before turning back to her

"There's another guy, right? The one who you could be girlfriend material for" he prodded, and she shook her head.

"No, I mean, there is a guy, but it's not about him. It's not about you either. It's about me" she said, and realisation dawned as she said it, that she had just spoken an absolute truth.

She saw him finally arrive, still a study in black, his striking face awash with the colours filling the air, red and then blue, suddenly white and then darkness. He was eerily still against a constantly moving backdrop, and stood a little way off, though his intention was impossible to ignore. He had come for her

"Well, I think I better quit while I'm ahead, and leave you to it with my dignity intact" Poe said a little strained. Out of habit, he hugged her goodbye, pressing a kiss into her hair, and then was gone, melding away into the crowd, and Rey watched him go, though Ben's eyes never left her. The music changed and a sadder, melancholier tune haunted her.

She turned to the bar, leaving him behind her, and swallowed against her dry throat. She gripped the edge hard and quickly ordered two drinks from the bartender, her eyes flickering to the mirror image of them over the bar. His eyes had still not left her, and now, he approached, slowly, taking up the space beside her wordlessly. She could feel the heavy, warm mass of his arm resting beside hers on the counter top.

She found his eyes in the mirror, his already fastened on her. She watched him watch her.

The bartender came over and set down a bottle of water for her, and an Old Fashioned for him. The barkeeper looked to her, and she nodded to the side.

"He's paying" she said, as she grabbed the water bottle and slipped away into the crowd, twisting her wrist as the last moment, already anticipating Ben's reaching hand, his predictability winning over his impressive reflexes.

She pushed back through the crowd on the dancefloor, and found Catherine.

"I think I'm going to go" she shouted in her ear over the music. Catherine pulled back, looking Rey up and down in concern.

"I'll come with you"

"No! Don't be silly, it's early and it's your birthday. Sorry to be a spoilsport" she said, forcing a jovial tone she didn't feel.

"I understand. I don't know why they've come, I mean, I know why, but…"

"It's ok. I don't care. I'm just glad we already had fun, and since I'll be all rested tomorrow, I'll make brunch"

"Promise?"

"Promise"

"Rey! If you're heading home, you don't want to do me a favour do you?" Finn asked, appearing in the crowd, holding a worse for wear Rose.

"What happened?" Rey exclaimed.

"This is what happens when you weigh 100 pounds and skip dinner" Finn grunted, shifting his grinning girlfriend in his arms to reach her pocket.

"Rey! We kissed. Finn, I kissed Rey" Rose was saying as Finn emerged with a coat ticket stub. Rey took it from him and promised to meet them outside if she managed to emerge victorious from the coat check queue, which was already impressive.

It moved quickly though and Rey soon collected Rose's work bag and suit jacket, as she had come straight from work. Rey marvelled that she was friends with an actual adult for a moment as she grabbed all the pieces and started to navigate the steep steps down to the door.

"Allow me" his voice wasn't a surprise, neither was his hand, soft but firm on her elbow, guiding her down the stairs. She had already noticed that the famous Solo manners were intact, some things that are learned from such a young age, it's next to impossible to forget. They reached the bottom and she turned, unable to delay the inevitable anymore. He stared impassively down at her, his eyes roving over her thirstily and she suddenly felt a lot more exposed than ever in her short, black, bandage dress. His eyes were locked on her, and his hand twitched at his side. She should have guessed he'd have a thing for all black ensembles. She imagined for one moment how he might have raised a hand and taken an imaginary picture of her, if they'd been different people, made different choices. As it was, he showed no sign of emotion beside a lightning quick whetting of his lips, and his burning gaze.

"Twice in one day, lucky me" she said flatly.

"You shouldn't leave. I'll go" he said roughly after a long moment of highly charged silence.

"Why are you here in the first place?" she asked.

"I thought we were going somewhere else."

"Where?" she asked, seeing his eyes slide to the side, a sure indication he was hiding something from her.

"It was Resistance, wasn't it?" she asked, sure that she was correct.

"It's immaterial" he said stiffly.

"You can't keep showing up there. It's my work, and you make me uncomfortable" she said. His head lifted at that.

"Why do you think that is?" he asked, his voice dangerously low, taking a step forward. She raised a hand, placing it squarely on his chest, and he immediately brought his hand up to press hers more firmly into his chest, his thumb ghosting a soft circle on the back of her hand.

"Stop doing that. Go loom somewhere else because I've had enough of it today"

"Rey, Finn said you're taking us home" Rose said, appearing from around a corner and falling happily into Rey, knocking Ben back.

"I certainly am. I have your coat" she said, focusing on helping her drunk friend put her arms through the sleeves of her jacket as Ben looked on.

"I can drive you" he finally said.

"No"

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want you to know my address" she said frankly. If he was offended, he showed no sign of it.

"Do you really think you can prevent it? Catherine works for me" he said and Rey resisted an eye roll. Of course, he'd probably already looked it up in HR.

"Who's going home with you? You shouldn't –" he bit down his words, scowling a little at the effort.

"I shouldn't do what?" unable not to press on that pressure point of his, the need to tell everyone what to do, especially her.

"You shouldn't get a cab alone, your boyfriend should accompany you, it's the least you can do for personal safety" he bit out. Rey debated whether to correct him for a second.

"Stop trying to tell me what to do" she said sweetly, pulling Rose toward the door.

"Rey" he called, a word lashing through the space between them, and she couldn't help looking back at him. A towering specimen of masculinity, tall and broad, dark and brooding, he was attracting quite the attention from the girls coming down the stairs around him, though his gaze was unwavering in its intensity on her.

"I'd like to know that you got home safely" he conceded, and she felt as though the words were costing him. Someone used to demanding and taking, comfortably in command at all times, even of his own thoughts and desires, suddenly, powerless.

She paused a moment, and then tore her gaze from his, her eyes feeling scorched in the aftermath of his attention and pulled Rose closer, calling back over her shoulder.

"Get used to disappointment"


	18. Once I ran to you, now I run from you

Rey was half way through preparing brunch, using a very inventive mixture of Tupperware and mixing bowls to serve when Catherine emerged from her room. Her blonde hair, usually so immaculate was a tousled bird's nest on her head, and she had the dark smudge of mascara around her eyes from slept in make up.

"Good night?" Rey asked with smile as her roommate dropped heavily into a chair and looked a little green at the sight of the eggs, bacon and pancakes on the table.

"Is there coffee?" Catherine croaked. Rey poured her a cup in a reusable mug that had managed to survive the break in, and slide along a bottle of water as well.

"Well? Did you have fun?"

"Too much fun, fun I'm going to pay for all day, and probably tomorrow too"

"That's the best kind of fun" Rey laughed, scooping up some eyes. Catherine let out a long deflated sigh.

"What's wrong?"

"It was the best kind of fun, until I saw this" Catherine said, unlocking her phone and opening an email. She pushed the phone over to Rey and sank her head down to rest on her arms, her forehead pressing into the table.

Rey took the phone and scanned the mail quickly.

"They're making you redundant from First Order?" she said, reading again to get to the truth of the PC Human Resources language.

"Yep, I'm being fired"

"Made redundant"

"Please, that's just an easy way to get rid of someone once they're on a full contract" Catherine snorted into her coffee mug. Rey stared at the email from First Order HR.

"Why?" she asked at length.

"Why do you think? They know" Catherine said, and Rey felt a pit form in her stomach at her quietly confident words.

"Not necessarily. Maybe you're just a terrible worker?" she attempted and Catherine shot her a contemptuous look.

"Try again"

"Maybe Ben –" Rey trailed off, unsure where to go next with that statement.

"Maybe Ben doesn't need me there now, he knows where you are, he's established contact, maybe, it's a possibility. The best one, all things considered" Catherine said, taking a bite of bacon.

"Or –"

"Or Snoke has had enough of allowing me to snoop around, maybe I was getting close to something, and probably we'll never know" Catherine said dejectedly, before flicking hopefully eyes at Rey.

"Unless…" Rey sat back, crossing her legs on the narrow chair, and narrowed her gaze at Catherine.

"Unless what?"

"Well… I left a memory stick, a tinny, tiny little one, in that complicated computer Ben uses. You practically have to contort yourself to get back there, and I was sure he'd never check it, there's plenty usb slots in the front" Catherine rambled on, and Rey took a deep gulp of coffee to fortify her for the words that she knew were coming.

"And?"

"And… I was thinking, since you're there, rearranging things, and doing your design work, maybe you could grab it" Catherine said, flashing pleading eyes to Rey.

"What happened to I'm sorry for lying to you and getting our apartment robbed?" Rey asked, a small flicker of irritation brushing over her at the mess Catherine had pulled them both into. She was aware that most of her irritation came from the fact that the mess involved being around Ben, which made it much more complicated.

"We are quitting the contract, with First Order" Rey explained, seeing the guilty look on Catherine's face.

"I didn't know, I'm sorry. Forget it, it doesn't matter" she said, busying herself with eating. Rey watched her in silence for a moment, her mind going over the possibilities.

"You don't need the info on it?"

"It probably hasn't even worked. All their systems are so encrypted and the program is probably no match for First Order tech." Catherine said, and then Rey asked the unspoken question.

"What if someone else finds it?" she asked, and Catherine swallowed her mouthful awkwardly. She coughed a little and wiped her mouth, shrugging as she did.

"It'll be fine. It's not your problem, I'm sorry. This is all my fault. You must regret the day you decided to let me come stay with you" she was saying.

Rey let out a long breath and stood, disappearing into her bedroom. She grabbed her phone from the charger and typed a quick message to Jessika.

She came back into the kitchen and sat down again. Catherine looked in askance at Rey's phone as it started beeping in a series of messages.

"It's Jessika. She wants to know why she can't cancel the contract tomorrow" Rey explained. Catherine froze, a painful expression of hope and guilt painting her features.

"Where is this damn thing?"

"Ben's office. Executive floor"

"Of course it is" Rey muttered, watching in surprise as Catherine shot up and went into her room without a word.

"You're welcome!" she called. Catherine came back out, carrying a bulky object covered in paper and tied with string.

"I have something for you"

"It's not _my_ birthday" Rey protested as Catherine set the large object on the floor beside her.

"It's an apology gift, and a thank you gift. And I got it before you offered to help me out of this ridiculous situation, so.. I probably owe you another one now but anyway…" Catherine said, pushing it into Rey's hands.

"Go on, open it"

"You didn't have to get me anything." Rey muttered as she pulled the paper off, and stared in surprise at the easel lying beneath. She felt her smile sneak over her face.

"Catherine, I don't know what to say… this is too expensive" she muttered, seeing the make and model, it was a far cry above her old one.

"No, it wasn't. That's the thing about you Rey, you do all these things for other people, and you care about them and take care of them, and you never expect anything back. It's not a usual thing, to be friends with someone like you – it's only right to show appreciation" Catherine said, and Rey raised grateful and surprised eyes to her friend.

"That might be the nicest and most feelingsy thing I have ever heard you say"

"I know, it must be the hangover" Catherine said, dropping her head back to the table with a soft thunk.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Two days later, she signed her name into the security book at First Order Finance, and ascended the long escalator, the very same one where she had first laid eyes on Ben. It felt like a year ago, she mused as she walked toward the bank of elevators at the end of the hall. It was late afternoon. She was supposed to come in hours before, but had called Margot and told he she had been held up.

She had attempted to find out if Ben was around, but was firmly evaded, so she had no way of knowing how it was going to go. Ideally she would be in and out before Ben had even realised she was there. On one hand, the task ahead was a little scary, on the other hand, she didn't know anyone more suited. It certainly wouldn't be the first time Rey had stolen something, she thought almost fondly of her high school rainy day fund. She would just have to remember some of her old tricks.

She went first to the floor they were starting the work on, and get out her camera and sketch book. She got down to work in a corner with a sofa and table, even while knowing this work would never become a reality, she found herself getting more and more into the design. Making First Order a place that people felt human in, might remind them to be kinder in their business dealings, though she recognised that as a far-reaching idealistic notion even as she wished it were true.

When six o'clock rolled around people started to shrug into coats, throwing the mantles of work off, smiling even as they left the office. Rey kept her head down and pretended to be absorbed in her work. The tricky part was getting in and out of the executive floor without being noticed. All meetings up there had to be pre-approved.

Half past the hour arrived and she stood up, stretching out her back and neck, twisting from side to side. She packed her things into her bag, slinging its sideways across her body to minimise the bulkiness and made her way to the stairs and lifts. She had decided taking the stairs would be less conspicuous, and now she pushed through the heavy door guarding the stair well and started up. She had dressed for the occasion, in jeans and converse, a hooded top in black, which she now pulled the hood up on.

It was quite a few floors, and as she went, her footsteps echoing in the cavernous space, she thought she heard another set of steps, far below. She froze a long moment, straining to hear, but was met with nothing but silence. She was just jumpy, she decided, as she continued upwards, counting the floors as she went.

The door to the executive level finally appeared, and she stilled on the stairwell side, taking a few deep breaths. Ben might be there, and she'd have to make up and excuse for why she was there, or he might not be, and this would all be easy. She eased the heavy door open. She thought for a moment about the security cameras. Surely Snoke couldn't be watching the feeds constantly, especially not a night. Even creepy monsters eat dinner, she reassured herself slipping into the semi darkened hallway.

It was deathly quiet, and she couldn't see any lights shining under the doors of either office on the level. She crept quietly toward Ben's. Pausing outside, she held her breath and listened for any sign of life. After a long minute of silence, she cracked open the door.

Her eyes flew around the dark room, and saw no one. It was empty. Letting out a long breath, her pulse hammering at this point, she slipped inside.

The office smelled like him, a sudden realisation she hated. It was leathery and spicy and warm. She rounded the desk quickly and fell to her knees beside the desk, pulling out her phone and turning the torch on.

She quickly wiggled under the weighty cables and clunky desk. Catherine had explained well where she'd find it, and Rey found it quickly, with no little relief. There was a scenario she had considered where it was already removed.

Suddenly, a noise from the hall, froze her in a half crouch, her head barely topping the desk. A flashlight swung past the frosted glass outside the office, and she pulled her head in. She held her breath as she saw the legs of a security guard pass by the door, not without shining the torch inside first.

A radio beeped, and the man moved on. Rey crouched there a good 5 minutes longer, getting her nerves under control and listening out for any other sound.

Deciding she had to make a move, or lose her chance, she crept out, her legs cramping from the tense position she'd been in.

She moved quietly to the door, and tried to see out. There was only darkness and the illumination from the fading light coming in the windows. She slowly turned the handle and stepped into the hall. She started down the hall toward the stairs, and felt a bolt of fear shot through her as the security guard reappeared at the other end of the hall, checking out the other office.

He hadn't seen her, she realised, as she kept edging down the darkened hallway, watching the man going about his rounds. She was close, within touching distance of the door when he finally looked along the hall.

"Hey!" he shouted, bring his torch up to shine on her, but she was already moving, a blur of motion pushing open the stairwell door and pounding down it as fast as she dared without breaking her ankle. She considered just feigning being lost, but a quick check of the security footage would show her up, not to mention the incriminating usb burning a hole in her hoodie pocket.

Cursing Catherine and First Order Finance, and everyone else she could think off, she rounded another flight of stairs and kept going down, and heard the door, several floors above her now bang open.

"Hey! Stop right there!" the security guard shouted down the stairs. There were far too many floors left to outrun him, and so she slowed her steps as she approached the door into the next level, and tried to be quiet as possible as she pulled open the heavy fire door and pulled it shut as quietly as she could behind her. She knew he'd guess she had gone along a floor, but hopefully he wouldn't know which one, and during that search she might still be able to slip out. She could still do this, she told herself as she turned and started to run along the corridor, looking back at the stair well door as she did, and completely missing the man striding the same path in the opposite direction.

She hit him at sped, and only his strength stopped them from both falling over.

"Rey?!" Ben breathed as she twisted in his arms, her eyes a little wild as she strained to look back. Of course it would be him, she thought bitterly, annoyed and relieved all at once.

"What are you-?" he started to ask and then seemed to take in her panic, her clothes, her mad trajectory from the stairs.

"Here" he said curtly, and grabbed her arm, pulled her toward a discreet door to the side. He pulled it open and pushed her inside in one smooth motion, following close behind her. She turned as she felt her legs come against objects in the dark. It was pitch black inside and her eyes strained to make something out.

"What're you doing?" he demanded quietly, and Rey was disturbed to find the space so enclosed that there really was no way to stand except standing pressed together. She couldn't see him, but the smell of him, the feel of his hard chest pressing against her cheek was almost enough to make her forget the situation she was in.

"Nothing" she replied instinctively and hear his soft snort.

"Why do I feel like this has everything to do with Catherine and her pathetic attempts to get inside information on the company?" he asked. Rey looked up at where she guessed his face might be in the darkness.

"I don't know what you're talking about" she said stubbornly.

"Do you have any idea what Snoke will do, if he finds out you're snooping around where you shouldn't be?" Ben said suddenly, a completely different tone to his voice, and Rey thought it might be fear, tinting his rough words.

"I can imagine, I know what kind of monster you put on a pedestal and serve. The kind of monster you aspire to be these days, _Kylo Ren_ " she snapped back desperately.

She could feel the wave of anger flood out of him at her words, and she felt his fingers tighten on her elbows.

"They are coming Rey, do you want my help, monstrous or not?" he growled. Her eyes hard adjusted in the dim light, and she could just about make out his face, strained and urgent, dark and bleak.

"If he isn't what I think… then let them find me" she whispered softly, calling his bluff. His hard mask shifted for the smallest second, before he breathed out a curse, and pulled her face to his.

She opened her mouth in surprise, feeling his warm tongue instantly press in, gliding forcefully against hers. He pushed her roughly back, meeting the shelves behind her. His hands reached for hers, already in fists and pushing against his chest, pulling them sharply behind her back, and she felt her back arch, pressing her chest against his, soft flesh meets hard muscle. His hand wrapped around her thigh and pulled it up around his waist, his other hand holding her wrists together behind her, and a tremor of pure dark warmth flickered through her at the position, the urgency, the dark power she felt roiling in him. She started to push him off, her brain finally catching up enough to oppose her body's immediate, hungry reaction, stilling as she heard his harsh whisper.

"Play along" She hesitated a moment, and felt him nip at her lips, cajoling her

"Let go" he whispered against her lips and she did, surrendering to his hands, and lips and demanding body, telling herself it was a ruse, it didn't matter. Everything was heightened, the hard shelves behind her, the body grinding against hers as her leg stretched almost uncomfortably high on his hip, the stubble lining his jaw scraping along her chin, sending tendrils of pure, naked want sinking deep into her bones. It was all so much, sensation, feeling, pleasure, fear, that she almost forgot what had brought them there in the first place.

The door squeaked open, and a flash of light fell on them. Ren stepped back, both of them breathing hard, his eyes a molten torrent of unfinished intent as his mask slipped on, emotionless and impassive. Rey blinked into the sudden light.

"Excuse me Sir, we thought there was an intruder on the executive floor."

"This is not the executive floor" He said, and Rey was gratified to hear a roughness to his voice that said his body was not as easy to wrestle back under control as his blank expression would make it seem.

"She's with me" he said growled, as the security guard looked hesitantly at Rey, running a hand through his dishevelled hair.

"Understood Sir" the security guard said, switching of the light and leaving, the door closely softly behind him.

The sound of the footsteps had just faded when Ben turned back to her, and her hand was moving in a hard arc toward his cheek, the sudden slap almost shocking in the silence of the supply room.

"Don't ever do that again without my permission" she said, trying hard not to shake. The closeness of the call, the adrenaline from her flight downstairs and then the fire Ben had started in her body was all too much.

He stood silently in front of her, and she could no longer make out his face, her eyes still slightly blinded from the torch. She let out a long breath, tried to still her breathing. Her heart was still pounding in her ears and the heat stoked in her was rolling around in her veins, desperate for release.

She swallowed hard as she felt the whisper of his breath against her temple, and suddenly remembered when leaning into the curve of his shoulder had felt like coming home, a lifetime ago. She let her head drop forward a little, bringing her forehead to rest on his breast bone, laying her head against his heart.

She felt the hitch of his breath in his chest, and the ghost of his hands coming up her sides.

"No" she whispered softly, and felt the phantom movements fall away. She slowly raised her face, feeling his breath now on her lips, even though she couldn't see him, she knew his lips were only a moment from hers.

She raised her own hands, and after the smallest flicker of fear, the smallest realisation that she might be leading them across a line, unseen, but humming with meaning and touched his face. She hesitantly ran her fingertips over his cheeks. He was so still, she realised he wasn't breathing.

Her fingers continued their gentle discovery, sliding over his jaw and then, over his lips. They were full and soft under her fingertips, and impulsively, she rose on her tiptoes, and pressed a chaste kiss against them, before running her fingertips back over them, smoothing it away. She felt his throat bob in a hard swallow. She pressed another, soft kiss to his mouth, and felt his hands once again fight to return to her hips.

"No, Ben" she whispered against his lips, and heard him let out a tiny sigh, full of longing, even as his hands fell back to his side. Her fingers ran back over his lips and she felt him press a soft returning kiss onto the pads of flesh.

"It's time for me to go" she said a length, stepping back, slowly shattering the bubble of memory and intimacy that had blossomed in that close darkness.

When he spoke, it was a more subdued tone than she'd heard from him yet.

"I will have to smooth over your… visit" he said with a hard-outward breath, and she could practically fell him gathering himself together, mostly because she felt the same.

"Will I be in trouble?" she asked hesitantly, thinking about Snoke.

"I'll handle it. Wait for me outside, I won't be long. We need to talk" he said solemnly. Rey nodded before remembering the darkness.

"Rey?"

"I'm nodding"

"Good to know. Let's go" he said, opening the door, and late evening light filtering in broke the spell once and for all.

They rode the elevator to the bottom floor in silence and Rey struggled not to stare at Ben in the mirrored doors. She could feel his own reluctance to look at her too. She felt exposed, and she guessed he did too, like they had been altogether too vulnerable around each other in those stolen moments of shadowy tenderness.

They arrived at the lower floor, and Ben gestured her forward as the doors slide open.

"I'll be quick" he promised as he followed close behind her. At the top of the escalator, she stepped immediately onto the moving stair, seeing Ben peel off and stride over to the manned security desk. Rey walked stiffly across the lobby, feeling as though there were a million eyes on her back, or just one pair of truly malevolent ones.

She pushed through the doors, and took a welcome breath of cool evening air, the normality of the city reassuring her after that slightly harrowing experience. Her fingers flew to her pocket and dug around for the usb.

It was empty.

She spun around to stare at the front of the building, her mind racing over her escape and her embrace with Ben. She checked all her pockets, and came up empty. She let out a ragged little laugh, incredulous and crestfallen all at once.

She spun on her heel, walking to the subway entrance without a second glance back. She jogged down and blinked back the moisture from her eyes in the bright fluorescents.


	19. Devil's hand across my heart

**Hey guys! Sorry for spamming you with updates... argh, was so hard to catch up, but we have, only one more chapter to go thats already written and I will post shortly then I promise to stop inundating you!**

 **Hope you're enjoying it now, and also warning in they chapter for elements of self harm - please dont read if it upsets you**

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That night, Rey dreamed again, as she hadn't in years.

She was back in Paris, during a one month exchange at the end of her degree programme. They'd been out to dinner and now they were back at the hotel, nestled in the snowy streets of the 18th Arrondissement. Instead of Poe, it was Ben pushing her back through the door and onto the bed. Ben's hands that were pulling the straps of her dress down as his mouth had continued to devour her, her skin prickling as her naked flesh met the air. When she guided his hand between her legs, his fingers sank into her easily, her moist warmth on fire for his touch. She wasn't sure it is was because she had no frame of reference for what came next, but at that point the dream stalled and she awoke surrounded by the smell of Ben, her hoodie lying next to her, and a cry on her lips.

She lay still, her heart pounding as she gradually adjusted to the where she was. The curtains in her room, lit with a warm sun behind them, her new easel, sitting proudly in the corner.

In that sweet place between sleep and awake, she let her mind wander back to the dream, and her own hands fell to her breasts. They felt desperate for touch, and she let her fingers trail over the nipples, gently rolling the hard buds. With the dream still so close, his hands, larger and pale, with long fingers and blunt ends quickly replaced her own, as her eyes fell shut again. She imagined him moving those hands over her, as she moved her own after his. She imagined his lips trailed down her stomach to the waist band of her shorts, her own fingers, shyly following.

Once there, she paused, unsure of how to proceed. She had heard enough about it to know roughly what to do, but her solitary explorations had been so utter flat, and embarrassing that it chased away any hope of feeling that elusive tendril of pleasure, that now rose through her as her fingers followed where her dream Ben had touched. She was shocked at her own moistness, her finger dipping lightly inside, and finding it hot and slick.

"Rey! You up?" She recognised Jessika's voice behind the door, and her hand flew back above the covers and she cringed, her face a flaming red, at being caught.

"I'm up" she called haltingly.

"Be right out" she continued and pushed herself up. She caught a glimpse of herself in the cracked mirror, still hanging over the vanity. She looked mussed and bedded, her hair a tousled weight on her shoulders, her posture slumped and spent and even her expression was languid. It was so alien to her, she was completely caught by it, staring at herself.

"Come on Nessuno. Ikea waits for no one" Poe called through the door, and sent her scrambling for her dressing gown and a brush.

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Kylo breathed slowly out his mouth and in through his nose, focusing on that simple motion, even as his arm lashed up once again, the action instinctive by this point.

He was kneeling on plastic, stripped to the waist, and the cat of nine tails in his hand was a familiar weight.

"It will purify you, boy" Snoke said, almost a purr.

"There can be no lies between you and I" he continued, as Kylo brought the hated leather strap up over the opposite shoulder, resisting the urge to flinch as the leather knots dug into the hard muscles corded across his shoulders.

It wasn't the first time he had performed this act for his teacher, and before his eyes, but it had been a long time. After his father had died, and before, after he'd left Rey, it had been almost a weekly occurrence. At first, he had felt every lash, shame and embarrassment crippling him afterward for days, but then it gave way to relief, a soothing sort of catharsis. And then, in time, he had stopped feeling anything at all, and the flagellation hadn't mattered anymore.

Now though, he felt every lick. He couldn't seem to control his emotions, something which had started to feel so easy. He was nervous, nervous that Snoke would know the truth, and turn from his punishment and focus more attention on Rey. Afraid that Snoke would see his weakness and guess she was the cause.

Snoke waited slowly around him in a circle, his eyes on him as always. He felt a jolt of unease as his mentor passed behind him and he could no longer see him.

"Tell me about the girl" Snoke said suddenly, much closer than he had expected, but he resisted turning around to see. He knew better.

"Tell me about _Rey_ "

"I have decided that she doesn't interest me anymore. It was a childish infatuation and it has passed" he said, the first true lie he had told his teacher in years.

There was a terrible silence in the wake of his words, and then he felt Snoke's hand touch his hair. He tasted blood in his mouth, and realised he had bitten his tongue as he waited.

"These lies do not become you. _Ben_." Snoke whispered.

"Does she call you Ben? Does she make you feel 18 again and invincible?"

"I feel nothing" he argued hotly, and knew even in that he was showing his hand. So terribly weak, he cursed himself, even after all this time.

"You feel everything, and to deny it is futile" Snoke said.

"Does she make you feel as though you could go back to when your father was alive and your mother didn't hate you? As though you could walk in the light with her, pure and unsullied?" Snoke's voice rose toward the end, becoming cruel and cutting.

"Do not forget your place, son. You belong in the dark, a shrivelled and pathetic thing, a pale worm of black earth. You belong by my side. We see the truth of the world, in all its shining misery" Snoke had reappeared, and Ben felt a moment of relief, before his mentor turned back to face him.

"Do you know what goodness gets you in life? A three story walk up in a forgotten part of town, the kind of place young girls go missing all the time. An apartment full of second hand junk and nostalgia" Snoke said scathingly, and Kylo did feel his blood turn cold. His body shivered as the implications of Snoke's words spiralled through him. He felt for a moment as though he couldn't breathe, couldn't think, and brought the whip down on his back hard. It was a way he had learned to distract himself from the crushing panic he used to feel. Snoke watched impassively.

"What a display" he spat out, his disappointment evident in his contemptuous gaze.

"You will enter into an arrangement with her. You will use her body as you see fit to satisfy those animal urges you still haven't conquered, and she will grow to hate you. In her hatred, you will be free"

"I do not think the girl will accept my offer"

"Then you shall never see her again, and in time, you will forget. Such is the way of infatuation" Snoke said dismissively before lowering his fragile body onto a chair, and gesturing to the leather implement in Kylo's hand.

"Continue and count for your teacher, 10 more"

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"You'll never guess who I met the other day. Ben Solo" Rey said, wedging the phone between her shoulder and ear as she unlocked the doors of the Knights of Ren community hall. The air was musty, and she decided to leave the door open until the girls showed up. She walked into the darkness, eyes tracing the corners of the room, and flicked on the overhead beams. They sprang to life, along with a dull hum and she dropped her heavy bag of gear on a bench.

"Jack? Can you hear me?" she prompted

"I hear you. What did he want?" Jack asked a little stiffly.

"Nothing, I mean, I met him through work. Jessika's company bid to re-design his offices" she said, unzipping the bag and pulling out equipment.

"That's all?" Jack asked, and the wary tone caused Rey to pause.

"Why? Should there be something else?"

"No, not at all. I just… thought you two had history is all"

"We did. We do." Rey admitted, taking out her wraps and starting on one hand, balancing the phone again on her shoulder. She heard Jack let out a long breath.

"I liked the kid, I really did, but then, after that night, graduation… I saw the toll it took on you, though you tried not to let me see. Something happened that night, and I don't know what, but you were different after… so hurt" Jack muttered, and she could picture him rubbing his hand over his face.

"He broke my heart" she said, surprising herself.

"Oh, sweetheart" Jack said, and she suddenly just wanted to be at home, sitting at the dining table, tv on in the background, figuring out the parts of the old vintage radios they used to restore together for fun.

"He called here for you once, I remember now. Not long after you left for college" Jack said suddenly. Rey stopped wrapping and held the phone properly to her ear.

"What? What did he want?"

"We didn't really talk or anything. I – I didn't know then"

"Didn't know what?"

"Well, it was at night, late at night, you'd just moved to the city, only a few weeks before, I remember because if it had been a little earlier, you'd have been there. He was upset. I didn't think much about it, figured he deserved it, after what had happened between you before, so I just hung up, went back to sleep, but the next day, at school, I heard some of the teachers talking about how Mr Solo senior had died suddenly, that night"

"So, you knew that Ben's father had died?"

"I did, and I didn't tell you, because I didn't want to open up all that again, and you were doing so well. I didn't think it'd really matter, you'd hardly see him again. Though, it seems I was wrong. I don't feel good about it, if it helps. Hanging up on the kid, or not telling you."

Rey bit her lip as she stared at the darkened corner of the hall.

"How did he die?" she asked.

"Car wreck, I heard he'd been drinking, and it was raining… a terrible accident, not far from here actually" Jack said and Rey gripped the phone until it creaked a little under her fingers.

"It's ok, I understand. I probably wouldn't have told me either. Don't worry about it." She said after she had digested his words, as she hated Jack to feel bad about anything. She made an excuse to hang up, and sank back on the bench, letting her back fall into contact with the cool wall behind.

Ben had called her, after his father died. What if she'd been there to get that call? Would it have changed anything? Would it have changed everything?

She saw the branches that the twist of fate had wrought, the things that lead them there, Ben's hands on her waist in his darkened kitchen when the phone rang, Hux' nasal mocking and Ben's unearthly anger as he'd handed her a towel and a teenager hiding in a tree seeing the high school loner and head cheerleader negotiate an indecent proposal. All these pivotal points between her and Ben had decided their path, she could guess what was down the other strings, couldn't dwell on what might have been, that way lay madness and regret.

"Miss, I brought Mikey again" Anayah's voice pulled her from her wild speculation, and she came back to the present with a smile, seeing the diminutive little girl dwarfed by her older brother. He seemed to shoot up every time she saw him, already tall, even giving teenage Ben a run for his money. He had his hands thrust into his hoodie pockets, and his head down, casting glances sideways at the other girls arriving and gathering on the benches, who were looking entirely too eagerly back.

She got them to run around the hall, basic drills of push ups, squats and sit ups to get them loose and warm. Then she distributed the sparring equipment and shook off her t-shirt, leaving only a training tank top, sweating already slicking her arms and torso from the humid summer evening outside. They had left all the doors open to try and stir up some sort of breeze, but it was fairly useless. Rey picked her staff up off the wall, and twirled it in her hands, adjusting to the weight and the slight slip of her moist palms. It was a basic wooden bo, completely unlike the shining beauty of the one she'd sparred Ben with, but it was hers.

"Miss? Why show us how to fight with a stick, when we are not really going to be carrying one around with us?" a student asked. Rey held her staff to her side in an open and ready pose. She stilled her breathing, reaching for the sense of focus and peace that training always gave her.

"Training with a staff isn't just for actual combat, it strengths your arms, helps you to understand the defensive circle, the space around you, and actually, there are more ways than you think to happen across a staff in a fight situation, kitchen broom, mop, baseball bat, a metal tube…" she trailed off as her nape prickled with the sensation of being watched. She glanced over her shoulder, and what she saw robbed the rest of the words from her lips.

As though speaking about him had summoned him, the devil himself stood leaning against open of the open doors, his black suit jacket over his shoulder, a thin black jumper on despite the warm air.

"Miss?" one of the girls asked, as Ben straightened from his pose, and made to step into the room.

"May I?" he asked.

"Why are you here? How are you here?" Rey asked bluntly, only just registering the confusion of the girls as they saw their teachers alarm. Ben seemed to take it all in though, holding his hands up non-aggressively.

"I went by your apartment, and that guy making up endless amounts of flat pack furniture told me where you'd be, once I told him my name, I guess he remembered… from high school" he said and Rey knew he meant Ben Solo, not his most recent moniker. She crossed her arms over her chest and raised her chin at him.

"You shouldn't keep secrets from your boyfriend"

"Miss! You have a boyfriend?!" Layla called, laughing with her friends.

"OK, that's how, now… why?" Rey said, struggling to remain unperturbed in his presence. Ben walked slowly into the room, approaching her cautiously, though just his overwhelming presence, his size and energy shifted the room, as well as the churning torrents of emotion between them.

"We have to talk, and you didn't wait for me last night" he said, his face once again that impassive mask she was beginning to hate.

"Ever heard of a phone?"

"And you'd answer? Anyway, I seem to remember you wouldn't give me your number" he said calmly, and Rey felt frustration rage through her.

"Are you telling me if I look in your phone, I won't find my number?" she challenged, and his silent denial made her want to knock his head with her staff.

It was high handed and invasive and just exactly what Ben might have done in the past, if one of his controlling tendencies had gotten away from him.

"Ben Solo –" she started to grind out, and then a motion from the corner of her eye drew her out the bubble that seemed to spring up around them whenever she and Ben were together.

Mikey had stood up, his hands out his hoodie pockets for the first time. He was looking at Ben in concern, and there was an aggressive set to his body. Rey stepped away from Ben and forced a smile to her lips. She didn't want this to spiral out of control.

"Ok everyone, we have a surprise guest, this is Ben, an old martial arts student I used to train with" She glanced at his stiff countenance to see him only quirk an eyebrow at her assessment of their relationship.

"He knows lots and lots about martials arts, so why don't you ask him what you just asked me" she said, and turned to sit with the girls, putting Ben on the spot, not that she'd know it from the smooth way he faced down the 15 curious teens.

"You were asking about the benefits of staff, or Bo fighting I believe?" he asked after a pause where he assessed Rey, now sitting with her chin on her knees watching him innocently. One of the girls found her voice.

"Yeah, what's the point if you can't carry one around with you?"

"The point, is that Bo training prepares you for almost all other forms. It has transferrable skills. It can also help level the field between mismatched opponents, as it is also very useful for defence" he said.

"So, a woman could win against a man?" another asked cynically. Ben considered it, and then nodded shortly.

"Under the right circumstances, a woman can always win against a man, the Bo helps ensure the circumstances are more in your favour."

"But the best defence is still vigilance, and avoiding situations where you might be vulnerable, as much as it is possible" Rey cut in. The girls were murmuring amongst each other. Rey shot an annoyed glance at Ben, suddenly picturing her students choosing to stand and fight instead of run.

"I think we need to see a demonstration" Layla called, always the ringleader. Mikey had eased back down to a careful slouch, though he looked up now, as the excitement of the girls grew.

"No, that's really not necessary" Rey said, flushing at the thought.

"Miss! We've never really seen you fight, give us a good example" another girl cajoled and before she could quell it, all the girls were asking.

"It's not nice to ask our guest to participate in sparring without warning" she said, throwing out the last hope that at the very least Ben wouldn't agree. Taciturn, marble-hewn Kylo Ren, or whatever he called himself now hardly seemed the type to throw down in a sweaty, smelly community hall in Brooklyn with a rabble of youths, especially not in the suit he was wearing, which even to Rey's untrained eye, looked expensive.

"I'm sure I can manage. It's for a good cause, after all" he surprised her by saying, walking to the bench Mikey sat on and dropping suit jacket, and taking off his shoes. The girls clapped, whispered abounding as they settled in, smiling in anticipation.

"What are you doing?" she whispered at him as she joined him on the mat, after he took another staff from the wall.

"What does it look like? Inspiring youths?" he said, that same dead expression on his face, so she couldn't tell if he was making a joke or not. She frowned at him as she retied her hair atop her head, and tried to focus.

They stood cross from other, the voices of the girls melting away as they bowed shortly and Rey shifted into a defensive stance. Ben hefted his staff, twirled it flashily, and Rey saw one of the girls fanning herself at the action. She waited as he drifted closer. The best demonstration was the male as the aggressor, so she could show how to defend, and at least make a teaching moment out of this situation that was rapidly spiralling out of her control.

Ben hadn't stopped his martial arts study, she could see. He was sinuous grace, casual strength and piercing concentration as he moved to attack. His staff swept toward hers in a clear arch and she knocked it away. He attacked, she defended. His attacks were cautious though, almost gentle, and she realised, despite his earlier desire to spar, he was taking it seriously that she wanted to teach the girls how to defend themselves. He gave her opportunities to strike him, leaving himself open, which she did, lightly, in return. He cut in close at one point, most of the fight so far being at a distance and he ducked under her staff and grabbed her loosely around the waist from behind, his head coming into the crook of her shoulder, his own staff blocking hers. She remembered the move, so often had they practised it. She was transported by it to a school gym, so many years ago, where a lanky teenager had breathed into her neck and cajoled her to find a way out this block, an all too common attack position for two fighters of different heights and strengths. The smell of Ben rose up to her, and she almost choked on it's familiarity as she followed her muscle memory response to the hold. She let all her strength go, leaning into the posture, surprising the attacker. Of course, Ben knew it was coming, he'd taught it to her, but he acted like he didn't, and let her sudden dead weight pull him off balance for a critical moment. He staggered forward as she dropped to the floor and turned, bringing her staff sharply up under his chin, stopping just in time to just rest on his skin.

Their eyes met and she found it difficult to breath, her chest rising and falling rapidly, even as she became aware of the girls clapping and cheering. She twisted around and jumped up.

"That was awesome! Can you teach it to us?" Rey felt her smile crack her face for a moment, suddenly glad Ben had shown up and enthused the students more than she'd ever seen really.

"Of course, we don't have enough staffs, so we will have to work in turns" she was saying, seeing Ben head to the wall to put his staff against it.

"Miss Rey, how did you get out of that last grip? It looks… useful" Lily, tall and regal and so exquisitely beautiful for her young age, asked her, her eyes hungry for the information, and Rey bit down her surge of protectiveness she felt toward all the teens under her mentorship. The thought of why a girl like Lily might need help to get out of that hold made it hard for Rey to talk for a moment.

"You have to surrender" Ben said suddenly beside her. Lily glanced shyly up at him.

"The attacker is not expecting your submission. If you submit, you surprise them, take them off guard, get under their defences and… destroy them from within their circle. You take the upper hand, by using their arrogance against them" he said, and Rey was glad again for his level headedness. She was too emotional, she knew it well. Every story of the students she taught broke her heart a little bit, and she struggled to feel like she was doing enough for them.

"I am sure Master Rey will show you" he said.

"It's just Rey" she said, as Lily left to work with her partner. Ben looked at the girls, trying not to hit their fingers together with the staffs, and laughing in the process.

"You have your work cut out for you" he said, without emotion again. Rey shot him an appraising look.

"You could help, if you wanted." She said. Ben seemed to still for a moment, before nodding decisively.

"We'll need more staffs" he muttered, looking at the meagre training collection.

"Hey, don't disparage my gear, I've had to beg, borrow and steal to get those-" she trailed off as the shadow of amusement seemed to pass over his granite face.

"Not actually steal, calm down. Just, you don't know what I had to do to get this many in the first place" Rey muttered, looking away as he watched her with that intent look again.

"Actually, I just meant since you're already here tonight. I was hoping you could have a word with Mikey, he's new… his sister is worried about him" she said, waving a hand at the sullen teenager sitting and watching them pensively. Ben watched her a moment more, then followed her gaze.

"He's in some trouble with old friends, or something I don't know the specifics. Just that he's scared, and volatile, and he feels alone" Rey said, and her heart tremored in the wake of her words, and just for the slightest moment, she missed Ben Solo, her Ben Solo, who had been all those things, even as he had been kind and warm to her, she missed him so very much. Ben hadn't moved his gaze from the boy, and now he moved off, nodding absently to her as he left.

She demonstrated basic blocking moves to the girls, partnering them up and running through drills, until they complained their arms were tiring, then moving the staffs onto the next eager pair. She watched Ben sit and talk to Mikey for a long while, before they both stood. Moving to the darker corner of the gym, Rey tried not to spy on them as she saw Ben lead Mikey through the initial forms of an aggressive karate set.

"Miss, is that your ex-boyfriend?" a loud voice interrupted her as she turned to focus on the girls.

"Keep practising" she instinctively instructed the other girls as she turned her attention back to Layla and her partner. She corrected their postures and indicated for them to go again.

"No, I told you, we used to train together"

"It doesn't look like that's all you used to do" Layla said, with a knowing beyond her years.

"Well, it was. We knew each other when we were the same age as you more or less."

"Do you fancy him now?" the girl continued blithely as Rey schooled her face into a serene expression.

"That's none of your business, but no, I don't"

"That's crazy, he's super into you" another girl chimed in. Rey found her eyes wandering back over to the dark side of the hall, meeting Ben's for a moment.

"Not, he isn't, he never was" she muttered to herself.

It ended up being a good class, a very good class, and she let the students go with a sense that maybe if something happened between this class and the next, they'd be a bit more prepared to defend themselves.

Ben watched her without comment as she laid out the bag of fruit Finn had picked up at the market, a little bashed but still ok, and the remaining protein bars she'd bought.

She saw him speak to Mikey, as he flipped off the light switch by the door, before he and Anayah left, his long shadow sloping after his sisters. She grabbed her large litre water bottle from her bag and gulped down some liquid, feeling more sweaty then ever after the long session.

Ben stopped beside her, and she was relieved to see the heat had also gotten to him, his hair swept back off his forehead, curling wetly around his ears, his collarbones glistening at the collar of his jumper.

"Aren't you hot?" she asked, caught suddenly staring as his throat.

"I've nothing underneath" he said simply, his lips almost smiling as she looked away, a fresh flush of heat filling her cheeks.

Deciding that was more than enough of that, Rey offered him the bottle, belatedly realising that it might seem disgusting to be drinking out the same one. She really didn't know him now, she reminded herself. He took it without hesitation and drank deeply, those glistening muscles in his neck sliding up and down in the dim light.

'Are you sure this is a big enough bottle?" he asked, passing it back to her. She screwed the cap back on and dropped it into her bag.

"It's cheaper that way" she said defensively.

"What did you talk to Mikey about?"

"This and that… why he needs to be able to defend himself" Ben said, running his hand through his hair, pushing it further back from his forehead and watching Rey stuff pads into her bag.

"And?"

"I might have liked to fight in high school, but I didn't have to… this kid, needs to" he said shortly, and Rey frowned up at him.

"What should I do? Can I help him here?"

"All training will help him, as well as having a safe place to come to. It's all you can do." He said, swiping the last pad off the floor and handing it to her. She zipped her bag closed and chewed her lip.

"Rey, there's only so much you can do… you can't worry about every kid"

"I can worry about the ones I know" she argued, and stilled as he touched her arm, cupping her elbow.

"But that won't help them." He reminded her, and she shook her head, even as she knew he was right.

"Everyone should have someone that worries about them" she said, raising her hazel eyes to his and losing herself in those deep depths for a moment.

"Do you?" he asked, his quiet voice almost pulling her closer to hear his near whisper.

"Jack"

"Anyone else?" he prodded, and she halted her gradual drift closer to him as his words broke through.

"My friends" she said, knowing it was not what he was asking.

"I didn't know. I didn't know that you called me, after your father passed away" she said quietly, and saw the slight opening of his expression reverse instantly. He dropped her arm.

"Jack just told me. He didn't before. He doesn't like you much." She said lightly.

"Few do, but still, I thought, maybe one day you'd ask him about me, if he knew anything, and then, he'd tell you." He said quietly, stepping closer to her in the low light. She felt that invisible force hum between them, always pulling them together and pushing them apart, locked in an eternal struggle of attraction and distrust.

"I never did" she breathed, he stepped in one more step, bringing his hard, sweat clothed chest against her crossed arms.

"No, you never did." His voice was almost wistful for a moment, under the hardness of the indifference she'd come to expect from him.

"What are you doing here, Ben?"

"Call me Kylo" he said.

"I can't" she said honestly, hating the name, and the way it perfectly captured everything she hated about the emotionally distant man who seemed to be haunting her lately.

"Why are you here?" she asked again, into this pocket of quiet intimacy that had crept in.

"I told you. We need to talk." He said simply, dropping his hand to his pocket and pulling out the usb. Rey stared at it.

"What are you going to do with it?"

"What were you?" he challenged back.

"That was a dirty trick." She said, the feeling of being pickpocketed while she had been losing herself in the man she had sworn to stay away from, coming back with force.

"You left me no choice. And it wasn't a trick"

"You were just distracting me while you took it, how else was it not a trick?"

"If you think me capable of functioning on that level when you were in my arms, you give me more credit than I'm due"

"And yet, the fact remains that you have it" she spat, irritated for showing that it upset her.

"I had to take it, do you have any idea how dangerous it was, being there, having this in your possession. Snoke is not someone to be taken lightly"

"And what about you? Aren't you the president of the company?"

"We founded it together" Ben ground out, his eyes sliding from hers and she could see he was evading.

"So, his interests are your interests… is it dangerous that _you_ know about it? Am I in danger Ben? Am I in danger from you?" she challenged, unsure now what type of danger she meant exactly.

"I would never hurt you" he said, and she could see his honesty in his eyes, that he really believed it.

"Liar" she whispered softly, and saw him flinch at her words.

"Why are you protecting that man? Why are you allowing him to influence you? Why is he still in your life? He's a snake, there's something off about him-" she started and stopped as pure anger flashed across Ben's face.

"I didn't come here to be lectured on my poor life choices, I am well aware of them."

"Then do something about it!"

"I can't, don't you see that I can't. It's too late, I've come too far." He said harshly, his hands bunching into fists at his side.

"It's never too late"

"That's naïve. How can you still be so naïve, still so stubbornly hopeful" he had turned from her, his profile catching the light from the street outside, and she thought she might have never seen him look so lost.

"Ben" she said quietly and stepped closer to him, reaching out and touching his fingers. His hand jerked under her gentle graze.

"You could change your life tomorrow. Get rid of Snoke somehow, change the direction of your company, do something good with the influence and money you've made"

He was quiet a long moment, and then turned to face her, and she could see that she had failed. Maybe she had reached him, for a moment, but if she had, it was now gone. He looked defeated and weary, so very weary.

"It's too late for me, Rey. I'm damned. Don't make it harder. You weren't wrong before, to call me a monster. In real life, the monster doesn't get to be saved. In real life, everyone celebrates the monsters defeat, and no one mourns him. No one deludes themselves into thinking that he could make amends, that he could be forgiven. That's reality." he said. She felt fear and sadness pierce her heart at his words, and then righteous anger rise up, anger for him and because of him.

"You're still so afraid" she accused, as his eyes begged her to understand.

"You're still such a coward." He pulled back from her then, and went to collect his jacket, and slip on his shoes, his shoulders tight around his ears.

"How much easier it is to accept the awful life choices you've made, how easy it is to just give up, and you're so good at it" she said, anger colouring her every word, she threw everything she could to hurt him.

"You gave up on me, when I wanted too much from you, you gave up on your mother and now you're giving up on yourself. It's pathetic." she spat finally, the words hot and ugly and unstoppable as they flew from her lips, scorching vitriol in their wake.

"You are a monster, and you made yourself into one, and now you're too afraid to stop being one" she said finally, as he stood frozen in the darkness of the hall, watching the street outside.

"Are you finished?" he asked suddenly, his voice hard. She wrapped her arms around her chest, her fury swelled, and all the violent words she had spoken falling between them like knives.

"I'm just getting started. Rematch" she snapped out, feeling restless energy and the building frustration she'd had laid like a mantle over her shoulders since she'd first seen his face only a few weeks ago itching for a physical release. Of course, it might be itching for another type of release, her treacherous body whispered, and she ignored it. She was an expert at ignoring it.

She grabbed a staff from her bag and flung it carelessly at his head.

He caught the staff smoothly and was watching her raptly. She was so sick of that sombre expression. She shifted into an opening stance, and raised her own staff.

"Fight me Solo" she said, advancing on him, crossing the distance between them in certain strides.

"Why?"

"Cause if you don't, you're going have a lot of bruises to explain at Monday's board meeting" she said, whipping her staff up suddenly, attacking. He parried it at the last moment, knocking it to the side, but didn't attack back, merely moved into a more defensive posture.

"Rey" his voice was a low caution, but he continued to block her strikes. Hi nonchalant mask was driving her crazy, her anger giving her a renewed strength and she changed her angle, and her Bo struck upward, unimpeded, and clipped him in the jaw. She sank back as he raised a hand to the red mark already blossoming on the taut defined line of his chin. His dark eyes narrowed at her, and she stared him down, refusing to apologise.

"Fight back" she growled, and then, he was moving, striking forward.

His staff was a flurry of movement, to and fro, and Rey weaved in his pattern, followed his lead, leaning into her strikes and leaning away when his out heavy strikes jarred her, letting his weight carry him forward more than he intended. He soon started to anticipate her wild style, her desperation, and countered for it, holding himself back.

It was a burning, spinning dance, and Rey enjoyed letting her anger grow more and more with each strike. But the heat of her anger was making her sloppy. She could feel the precision slipping, and she brought up her staff up a little too late, and Ben's blow knocked her backward and her feet slipped on the edge of the mat. She fell backwards with a whoosh, her breath leaving her chest with a grunt. Ben stopped immediately, standing over her. Without pausing, she whipped her staff around, and caught the back of his knees, bringing him down on top of her, as he dropped his staff in a bid to brace the fall on his arms and avoid crushing her.

She immediately twisted on her side, hooking her legs around his hips and turning them so she sat astride him once more, but as soon as she was atop him, he was rolling them further, bringing her under him once more, this time he managed to grab her wrists and hold them at the sides of her head.

His dark gaze pinned her, and she felt a flush work it's way up her body, from where his legs lay between hers, to his hips, pressing downwards with an intimate weight, to his chest against her own. The sudden intimacy of the position sent embarrassment and red hot arousal through her, pushing her to buck her hips to evade him, anything to unseat him and throwing her head from side to side.

"Rey, stop it, you're going to hurt yourself" he growled, pushing her wrists further into the mat.

"I'd rather hurt you" she answered back as another twist of her hip saw him raised a little off his strong position. Encouraged she tried again, and didn't expect the pained expression that Ben now gave her.

"You need to stop doing that" he warned, and when she did it again, he suddenly dropped his face into the crook of her neck and pushed against her with his hips.

She froze, immediately aware of the hard length pressed between her open legs, so much hard and longer than she had imagined.

"Stop" he murmured, and it sounded like a plea. Gradually he pulled himself back, transferring his weight so that his most intimate parts were no longer pressing against her own, and looked down at her, a pink flush brightening his pale cheeks. Rey avoided thinking about what had just happened.

"You need to stay away from me Ben" she said forcefully.

"Why?" he demanded, his eyes flickering between her lips and her eyes.

"Because I want you to" she said, and they stared at each other, burrowing into each other's mind with that sentence, searching for truth.

"Liar" he echoed her earlier words.

"Why are you so angry, Rey? My girl of sunshine and love, so unable to forgive, so unable to forget me, why?"

"Maybe because you keep finding ways to insert yourself into my life!" she said.

"Tell me to leave right now, and I'll go. You'll never see me again. Tell me Rey, make me believe you" he said, suddenly leaning closer into her, just that hair away from touching lips, looking down at her with a storm of emotion his cultivated mask was incapable of concealing. She stared up at him, forming and reforming words in her mind, calling on that anger to do it, push him away once and for all.

"Tell me you don't still feel it, what it was between us, something that has never been equalled, or even close. This connection, this bond" he said, taking her hand from its overhead positon and pressing it into his chest, mirroring their tender moment from the evening before.

"Tell me I haven't always been with you, in your thoughts, even when we were apart, as you have been with me, my only constant, my companion when –" he broke off, and she was alarmed to hear his voice catch. He steadied himself and tried again.

"My companion when everyone else was lost" She dropped his gaze, unable to meet the need burning in them. He was so close, he seemed like Ben again, in this moment, and she felt knew everything he said was true.

He seemed to gather courage in her silence, and took a deep breath in preparation.

"Rey, I want to propose something to you" he said. She looked back up at him askance, her thoughts muddled and her heart wrenched between despair and hope.

"I want us to be together, as I am able"

"What does that mean?"

"I want us to come to an arrangement." the disappointment at his words was almost crushing.

"What sort of arrangement?" she asked, pulling her hand from his chest, and attempting to push him back. He went easily, settling back to a kneeling position as she pulled her legs out from under him and watched him warily.

"You want us to date?" she asked.

"Of a sort. I have found that the best, least messy relationships are formed by arrangement." He said, and Rey waited a beat before her curiosty won.

"What sort of arrangement?"

"An agreement of sorts, a trade. A mutually beneficial one to both parties" he explained and she remembered him using the same words before.

"Like the arrangement you had with Eliza? You want me to sleep with you, for money" she stated flatly. He frowned at her interpretation of their relationship.

"No, not just for money. I want you to agree to be mine, to do as I ask, to submit to my will" he said finally, and she felt shock at his frank request.

"In return, I would take care of you, in all ways, I would see to your every desire, in and out of the bedroom, I would be devoted to you pleasure, your happiness, in return" he said. Rey pushed herself to her feet, her mind racing.

"I know it's unorthodox, I know you might find it appalling… but I have to ask, I have to try" he was saying quietly as she pressed her fingers against her temple and the sudden pounding that had started there.

"Why would I do that?" she asked at length.

"Because I know you feel it too, this connection between us, and it is the only way I know how to be. It is all I can give, all I am" he said, and at those words, Rey felt her heart tear open all over again.

There was part of her that was still 16 and desperate to be swept into these arms, that had burned with curiosity about the relationship between Ben and Eliza that flared to life at his suggestion. The teenager who still measured him against every single other man she'd ever kissed or smiled at, and found them wanting, that hidden and shameful part of her that wanted to capitulate. It shocked her, a dark and repressed desire to be bidden by the powerful and broken man Ben had become, even as she knew her rational mind would never allow such depravity, such weakness.

The silence stretch out between them, a long a tense moment.

"I don't want to see you again, Ben. I don't feel that connection, like you do, not anymore" She said, standing over his prone form, still kneeling before her. He was watching her with such heartbreak, she had to look away, stay her voice from wavering, and her will as well.

"Stay away from me Ben, this has to stop"

"I can't. I don't know how" he admitted lowly. She gripped herself around the middle and stared at the dark walls around her.

"That's selfish." She accused after a long moment, and heard him sigh in resignation.

"I know. I don't care. I don't care anymore" that strange wooden voice, the voice of someone who had given up on so very much, had grown used to isolation, it made her sorrow climb to new heights. This sadness was for him, for the damage he had caused them both and for the man she saw before her, cold, remote mask cracked, the gaping maw of raw, unadulterated loneliness and sadness seeping through, shrouding him like a dark cloak

"It's not your choice to make. You just have to accept it, like I did, 6 years ago" she said. She couldn't say anymore, afraid her feeling would slip out, afraid she would confess how scared she was to leave him all alone, slowly descending further and further into darkness, with no tether to anchor him to the light, to goodness and love, taking her heart with him, still tied to his after all.

She stepped away from him, making for her bag, and she was relieved to see he wasn't following. She made it to the door, the growing distance between them feeling like cord stretching to the point of snapping.

"The difference is 6 years ago, I left to save you" he suddenly said, into the dark hall and to the silhouette of her in the doorway, as she paused only a moment, before striding out into the night.

"You're leaving me to die." He said softly to the empty space she'd left.


	20. Lights will guide you home

_Four weeks later_

Her feet pounded the pavement, the hard jolt a welcome distraction from her thoughts. Running had become a release and sometimes Rey had to remind herself not to over-do it. When she ran, she stopped thinking, and these days, she desperately wanted to stop thinking. The streets around her house were starting to be covered by a light green, golden canopy as the many trees starting to change, the very beginning of fall in the air.

She reached her apartment and ran up the steps, a last burst of energy forcing her onwards. Inside was full of boxes and she hated to think that she was losing another roommate already. Catherine had been offered a job at the same university as her mother. It was the job of a lifetime, and Catherine wasn't sure how she'd been chosen for it, sure her mother had a lot to do with it, though it was vehemently denied.

And so, she would be moving soon, before the start of the academic year, to get settled. It was only a few hours away, but Rey felt bereft at the loss. She had lost too many people lately. Finn had moved out, and she missed him every day, and now Catherine too. And Ben, she tried not to think it, but her mind supplied the name anyway. She had found and lost Ben Solo again, in the space of one month, and she felt irreparably changed by it.

First of all, there were the dreams. Flesh against flesh and hot breath tickling her skin, his hands, so large and unwieldy were surprisingly gentle as they pressed, pinched, rolled and thrust. It was like he had awakened something in her, and now, even in his absence, it roared.

Next there was the expectation. Knowing he was in the same city as her, living his life, somewhere in her vicinity, had her looking for him in every tall backed, or broad shouldered, dark haired man. Her heart stopped and stuttered back to life every day as she thought he had returned, either unknowingly or purposefully. In her dreams, it was always purposefully, seeking her out with an irrepressible intention to possess her, and she would surrender into his demanding arms. Those were the dreams she woke up from with an aching emptiness and a sense of shame, her deepest desires revealed.

She unlocked the door, and pulled her ear buds out as she saw Jack sitting at the table with Catherine, drinking a cup of coffee.

"Here she is!" Jack said warmly, standing to embrace her. Rey moved into his arms, taken aback by his sudden appearance.

"This is a lovely surprise!" she beamed, genuinely happy to see her beloved uncle.

"Well, I'll leave you two to get on with it, there's packing to do" Catherine said, excusing herself from the table and going into her room.

"She's excited about her new job" Rey said, sitting down at the table with Jack.

"She should be, such an exciting time" he agreed, offering Rey a cup of coffee from the pot on the table.

"No, I should really shower" she said. Jack nodded, and checked the time on his watch. He seemed to be struggling with something and Rey waited, knowing he always took his own time to share.

"Before you do, I'm afraid I'm not here just socially." He said, and there was something serious about his tone that sent a chill through Rey.

"I was wondering why you were in the city" she said, with a nervous smile, waiting for him to continue. He fiddled with his watch, and then straightened the cuffs of his jacket, and after a long pause, began to talk.

Life turns on a dime.

"Well, now, I don't want you to get worried, or upset, but I've come from the hospital"

"That hospital? What's wrong?" she asked immediately.

"Well, this is where I don't want you to say anything, or even think anything until I'm finished. Let me start by telling you that I am OK, and I am in treatment."

"Treatment for what?"

"Cancer. It's cancer honey. I'm sorry"

Rey felt the bottom drop out her life.

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Two hours later and she was finally standing in the shower. Jack had gone, starting the trip upstate, and she had walked numbly into the shower, barely remembering to strip off her clothes, and was now standing under the spray. There was a roaring in her ears she couldn't shake, in fact it seemed to be getting louder. She stood in the middle with her arms wrapped around her body. Despite the water falling down her face, she knew it wasn't tears. She couldn't cry, she was in shock, she diagnosed from a distance. Catherine had been hovering, so she'd come into the bathroom to escape. She couldn't take her sympathy right now. She couldn't understand how Rey felt. She couldn't understand what it felt like to risk losing the one person who had loved you unconditionally, the only one who'd never left.

She shivered suddenly and realised the water was cold, freezing almost, and she wondered how long it had been like that. She stepped out the shower feeling a hundred years old and wound a long, scratchy towel around her chilled skin.

In the mirror above the sink she looked at herself, pale, with too wide eyes. The numbness extended further than her skin, she felt frozen inside as well.

"Rey?" Catherine said through the door. She didn't answer, she couldn't.

"I've called Finn, he's coming over" Catherine said. Rey squeezed her eyes shut.

There was a yawning chasm inside her, it was opening wider and wider and pieces of her were falling inside. It was primal and instinctive, and she knew she couldn't sit and drink tea with her friends. They didn't understand. She couldn't stand it. She didn't want their pity or their sympathy. She remembered the child protective services office, and the worn chairs. She remembered the look on the case workers face. The girl who nobody had wanted.

"I'll be right out" she called to Catherine, even as her mind worked furiously. There were some clothes in the bathroom, a pair of jeans and hand washed underwear. She pulled it on over her wet skin. She listened at the door and when she'd heard silence for a while, slipped out. Dropping into her room, she grabbed a grey, v-necked t-shirt and her leather jacket, both dropped on the floor, as well as her converse and sneaked her way to the door. Hesitating at the notepad stuck to the back, not wanting to worry her friends, she scribbled out a quick note.

"Need some time alone. Don't worry about me x"

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As she rode the train toward Queens, Rey stared at the others on the train, finding her eyes glued to faces, staring until the people got uncomfortable and looked away. She soon got onto a line that was as familiar to her as her own reflection, being the first route she'd ever learned.

Once she got off the train, she lingered on the street, cold and empty, unsure where to go. She saw a dive bar ahead, the flickering neon sign calling to her.

She pushed inside, and walked to the long, sticky bar. It was so dark she could barely make out the face of the bartender as she ordered tequila.

"Three shots and a beer"

"Your friends joining you?"

"Sure" she said, paying for her drinks and waiting impatiently. She took them over to a scarred leather booth and sat in the deep recess alone, drinking one shot after another, before starting on the beer.

Two more shots later, a comfortable haze was settling over her eyes, and she could see the other people in the bar. She wondered if they were as lost as she was, if they had anyone who worried about them. She wondered how long this dive had been here, and if her mother had ever sat in this booth.

After another beer, and no lunch, she finally pushed herself out the booth and weaved toward the street. It was so dark in the bar, she had forgotten that it was only late afternoon. It seemed even more jarring to see school children running past and mothers pushing strollers. She turned a familiar way and started toward her destination.

The old place looked almost completely unchanged, except that someone had painted the front door, a bright, fresh, blood-red colour. It called her from across the street. As she'd walked the neighbourhood had gotten increasingly run down around her. Chain link fences ringed scrubby gardens, dogs with heavy colours barked at her. Groups of kid and older men hung on the corners, and Rey pushed past them, ignoring comments and lewd suggestions. She tried to imagine being a real teenager here, instead of St. Augustine's, Jacks cottage and meeting Ben Solo in a forest, if she had been one of the girls on the corner, with the too small top and loud laugh, nervously glancing at the group of boys' opposite.

Now, the alcohol burning fire through her veins, she made her way up the sagging porch, to where the red door screamed her name.

 _Rey_

It sounded like her mother's voice, and it sounded like a warning.

She sat down heavily on the steps, suddenly sure she had to leave, that she never should have come. She had sat on these very stairs when the coroner had taken her mother's body, she could still remember, the clang of the trolley steps on the railing as they had wheeled the black body bag past.

"Can I help you?" a rough voice demanded, and Rey slumped sideways trying to turn around.

"Whoa, be careful beautiful" the man's voice was so familiar, she felt as though she was falling back through time. She held shakily onto the barrier and rose to her feet, bringing her eyes up to the man standing over her on the porch.

Unkar Plutt

Her mind supplied the name instantly, as addled as it was. Their landlord for the better part of 5 years.

"You look real familiar… have we met before?"

"No" Rey muttered, making to leave, and staring down at the heavy, meaty hand that wrapped around her bicep.

"I'm sure we have… didn't I know your mama?" he must have read the truth in her eyes, because he smiled, a slow, lizard smile.

"Rey something, right? Damn, look at you all grown up." He was appraising her, his fleshy face quivering with interest. He was even fatter than she remembered.

"Come on in, do you want to see the old unit?" he was already pulling her toward the unit, and Rey found herself unable to muster the strength to stop him.

She almost felt outside herself as she waited for him to unlock the searing red door, and then lumber down the drafty hallway. She walked in the footprints of her 10 year-old-self.

He stopped at a familiar floor and fished keys out his stained overalls.

"This one's actually empty" he was muttering as he pushed open the door, and Rey felt a flood of memory sweep over her. The couch was the same, just more threadbare and flee infested than before. The curtain that separated the kitchen and the sitting room was different. There was a broken window that was letting a cold breeze in. She stood in the middle of the room, and looked down the hallway toward the bedrooms. She felt as through that cold dark wind was winding around her and pulling her to where her nightmares lay waiting.

"Take a look around" Unkar was saying as Rey started to drift slowly down the hall. She felt strange still. Numb and cold, and without feeling as she slowly pushed the door of her mother's former room open. She once again had the impression that she was just observing her body going through these motions. It looked the same, down to the curtains, moth eaten and stained. She stared at the bed, unable to stop the memories coming.

That night, when she'd finally gotten up the courage to push open the door, against the rules without permission, and enter. When she'd seen the lump her mother had made under the covers, her first instinct, had been gratitude that she had come home and not disappeared as she had sometimes done for days at a time. She had come back. Then she had become aware of the cold in the room, and the utter stillness, and the smell. She knew now that corpses over let go off their bodily waste, but at the time she had simply thought her mother had had an accident, and been too drunk to wake up.

"Brings back some memories, eh?" Unkar was right behind her. She stiffened, glancing back over her shoulder to see him leering at her from the doorway.

"Like I said, this one's empty, if you want it, it's yours. You got a place to live now?" he was asking, and Rey felt that roaring starting in her ears again. She felt a dangerous and violent need blossom in her chest and realised her hands were trembling. She was suddenly 10 years old and seeing this man, pushing his way into this very room, muttering about overdue rent recovery.

"I can give you the same rates as your mom, since we were so close. Shame what happened to her" he said, as Rey walked further into the room, her eyes absently going over the items, strange to her now, someone else's, another tenant after them.

She heard when Unkar shut the door, it's soft click straight from the tear-stained nights of her childhood.

"Of course, we'd have to work out the same arrangement, to get the discount, this is prime real estate" he was saying thickly, and Rey heard the clink of a belt opening.

She wondered if this is what Kylo Ren felt, for a moment. This disassociation with reality, and she realised it was soothing in a way, easier to deal with than the ghost of perfume she swore she could smell, of a woman long dead.

She turned around and looked at him impassively.

"You're an odd one, ain't you. Now, your mother, she had fire" Unkar was saying, seeming a little taken aback by her silent staring, his hand falling awkwardly from his undone jean button.

"Oh, I have fire alright" Rey heard herself say, as she moved toward the wardrobe and the cheap metal sweeping brush she'd spied there.

"I have my mother's fire, and then some. I'm happy to show you" she said, picking up the long pole, and deftly twisting the brush off the end, leaving her with a staff, which she swished in front of her a couple of times, borrowing Ben's swagger.

Unkar narrowed his eyes at her.

"If you don't want the unit, that's fine, just get the hell out." He said, spittle flying through his ruined teeth.

"I don't want the unit, but if you want me out, you'll have to make me" she said, far from herself, seeing and feeling the glint in her eye, the war cry in her chest, and the hatred in her blood.

It was the righteous anger of a 10 year old girl who didn't understand why her mother cringed when this man walked past, who didn't understand why she'd lock Rey in her room, when Unkar looked too long in her direction, and would hide on wobbly legs beneath the bed until her mother's door locked.

She wasn't that little girl anymore, and she didn't have wobbly legs.

She swung the staff at him.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

An hour later, Rey stumbled from a cab on the Upper West side, and pushed cash at the diver. She had the sleeves of her jacket pulled as far down as they'd go and her hair hung in a curtain around her face, which she kept lowered.

She glanced up quickly at the building, confirming it was the right one, and hoping her memory was as good as it had seemed to be earlier, when so many screaming memories had hurdled back to her. She pushed through the glass doors of the lobby, looking away from the security guard who sat looking at his phone. But the time he looked up, she had stepped inside the lift and was shooting up to the penthouse floor.

The lift doors slid open with slick motion and she was once again walking the halls of a different childhood.

She approached the door and hesitated a moment. What if he was home, she wondered, and then worried he wasn't.

She couldn't go home to her friends like this, mad with grief and fear, angry as she had never been, and wearing a man's blood on her clothes. There was only one person she could think of.

She decided to try the code, and punched it instil emblazoned on her memory. An agonising second in which she berated herself for thinking he might not have changed it in all this time passed, and then the light went green, and the lock disengaged.

She slowly pushed the heavy door open and peered her head around the side, looking into the darkened apartment. She walked in and shut the door quietly, walking into the open plan kitchen and resting her hands on the cold countertop. The silence was heavy. The city lights, and the dark hole of the park stared up at her from the full length wall of windows.

She went to the fridge, feeling hunger pull her from her desire to look around. She felt half wild as she grabbed some cheese and bread and forced them down her dry throat, before returning for a bottle taken of a shelf, which she popped, and gulped down. She kicked off her shoes and walked to the windows, sitting down in front of them, she ate quickly, roughly, as she hadn't in years. She didn't know if the hunger was real hunger from not eating all day, or a phantom hunger from walking the halls of the childhood house she had so often been hungry in.

She took a long swing of what had turned out to be champagne. Picking up the bottle, she wandered down the long hallway, the cold night time light of the city accompanying her, etching her shadow on the wall beside her.

She found his bedroom, and lingered in the doorway, before flopping face first onto the bed. She breathed his smell in deeply, filled her lungs with it, and it felt so good she could have fallen asleep there. It smelled like safety. Avoiding looking in the mirror, the pain in her hands and her lip, puffy and swelling further with each minute, she pushed herself off the bed and flicked on the bedside light. It illuminated the sparse, designer furniture, everything minimal. She randomly opened a drawer and found rows of black underwear, and shut it quickly. She moved to the wardrobe next. It was ridiculously big, bigger than her entire bedroom, and she slid the doors open and stared at the work wear inside. Black, dark grey and navy seemed to make up the entire colour spectrum. She thumbed through the suits, glancing over most of the designer labels without recognition. She drank a little more, and remembered Ben's secret box in high school, and how she had hidden in his closet that night, watched him taken his anger out on himself. She felt like maybe she understood him a little more now, as her cracked knuckles stung as her fingers tightened around the heavy bottle in her hand.

She dropped to her knees and pushed into the back of the closet. What she was searching for, she didn't know. Maybe another secret box, to see what Kylo Ren preferred to use on his… arrangements. Just the thought sent a shiver through her.

Her hand brushed a box toward the back and she carefully pulled it forward. Breaking into Ben's apartment and then going through his stuff, it is probably no less than he's expect from a scavenger, she through wryly as she opened the cardboard storage box.

There was a folder with a label on it, a model airplane and a pair of black gloves. She stared at the gloves, something tickling the back of her mind, through the haze of pain and bubbles.

She picked them up and as she touched the soft well-worn leather, she remembered her Christmas present, that he was going to open alone on Christmas morning. He's kept them all this time. She looked at them carefully, and saw near seamless patching work, where worn out fingers had been replaced and lining repaired.

It brought a lump to her throat, and she pushed them down and looked at the model plane, before discarding it. The last folder she held up and squinted at to make out the cramped writing on the label.

 _Personal effects of Mr Solo, Han - Decreased_

She froze holding the plastic envelop, desperate to look inside and get an insight into the night that seemed to have broken the last resistance Ben had held against the darkness of his mentor.

Only the sound of the door unlocking and the snap of the sitting room lights going on jerked her back into motion, and before she knew what she was doing, she was stuffing the folder into her jacket's inner pocket and zipping it closed, before pushing the box into the wardrobe and bringing the door to a close just as Ben appeared in the doorway.

His guarded look fell away as he stared at her in shock. He was wearing a white shirt, and it was the lightest thing she had seen him in, with the sleeves rolled to the elbow, and grey trousers. He was staring at her with the most unsettling mix of disbelief and something else, something Rey struggled to name, but it seemed like hope.

"Rey" he breathed, moving toward her as she stood, flagging in front of him. His eyes swept over her, and his face went whiter than usual with tension. He grabbed her hands, and then pushed her jacket off her shoulders, taking in the fine spray of blood that decorated her chest and neck, his fingers frantically checking her over.

"What happened?" he said roughly, turning her around.

"Where are you hurt?" he demanded, a frantic note entering his voice. She just stared at him, shaken by the weight she had felt lift off her shoulders at the sight of him.

"Rey, can you hear me? I need to know where you're hurt sweetheart" he was saying, now cupping her face.

"It's not mine" she finally got out, and saw his profound relief.

"I – I did something terrible" she continued, and slowly, like a slow-motion collapse of a card house, sank to her knees, taking him with her, as he shifted to support her weight.

"Tell me, whatever it is, it doesn't matter" he said, and suddenly pressed her head against his chest, his mouth moving in her hair.

"Tell me Rey"

"He – he was our landlord, he… I went there, I went back-" her thoughts were a jumbled mess and she struggled to articulate what she needed him to do.

"He's… he needs help" she finished. Ben looked at her a long moment

"Are you sure you want to help him?" he asked. She looked into his eyes and saw the truth of his feelings for her for a moment, that he would help her do whatever she wanted with the man who had wronged her, without a second thought. There was something twisted and beautiful about that kind of emotion, even as it was terrifying and heart-breaking.

"Give me the address, I'll take care of it" he instructed, taking out his phone from his pocket, seeing her guilt and worry in her eyes.

"Will you be ok here?" he asked, as he held the phone to his ear. She nodded, and he reluctantly rose and walked to the en-suite bathroom, banging around in cupboards and running the tap, speaking in a low tone she couldn't make out.

He returned quickly, and pulled her up carefully, his touch as gentle as if she were made of glass.

"You need to take these off" he murmured, his hands pausing at the edge of her t-shirt. She nodded and lifted her arms, feeling the weight of the day fighting her. Next, he unbuttoned her jeans, the knees almost soaked through with dark blood, nearly invisible under the dark denim.

He pulled her jeans carefully down her legs, and she held onto his shoulders, as he pulled one foot out and then the next, steadying her until she was balanced again. He stood and pulled her over to the bed, saying nothing about the blood stains from when she'd thrown herself down earlier, hardly visible on the black sheets. She had never imagined that if she were to be standing in front on Ben in her underwear, in real life, and not only in her dreams, it would feel so non-sexual.

He went to the bathroom and returned with wash cloths and a glass of warm water, as well as a first aid kit. He sat on the bed next to her and wet the towel, holding it toward her neck.

"May I?" he asked, and she nodded. She had felt so unattached and vacant the whole day, and now, sitting here before Ben and in the echoes of their past, she felt her consciousness start to return to her body. He wiped the blood away across her face and neck, down her arm. He then laid a warn compress on her torn knuckles, all the while, she watched him in silence. She couldn't stop taking in the tiniest details, like the way his eyelashes were so long they almost rested in his cheeks when he looked down, and that there was a dark freckle just above his lip.

"Ok, let's see them" he murmured, lifting off the wash cloth and frowning. She felt a wave of tiredness as he started to clean the torn skin, and closed her eyes, swaying a little.

"Almost done" he murmured, his voice close and warm and more comforting than she could have anticipated. She felt him touch her cheek and gasped with pain.

"Motherfucker" he swore lowly as he held another warm, moist towel up to her swollen mouth and spilt lip.

"He'll pay for this" he promised darkly, and she opened her eyes to meet his furious gaze.

"He has" she said, her own darkness staring into the face of his. And there was darkness there, she had felt it, licking through her veins like black fire as she had beaten Plutt down after he had landed a lucky punch. He hadn't gotten up again.

"That's my girl" he said with a quiet satisfaction, and she felt sick and proud all at once. She closed her eyes, feeling her head swirl again.

"Have you eaten? And no more of that, not on an empty stomach at least" Ben was saying moving the upended champagne bottle and urging her back into the bed.

"Don't tell me what to do" she said grumbled, letting him put her under the covers, and watching him disappear from the room. She closed her eyes, and felt sleep beckoning, the kind of flat out deep tug of exhaustion, and, finally safe, she let it take her.

* * *

 **Had, we are all caught up! If you follow me in both places, sorry again about all the updates! I wanted to catch up here, as I owe it to my readers who only use or my beloved Klaroliners who know me from this platform.**

 **Thanks to** **Stories_In_My_Head for hunting me down there and reminding me!**

 **As always, let me know what you think, and enjoy - the next chapter should be up today, tomorrow at latest and you can always drop in a see me on tumblr... my name is the same))**


	21. Lay your head where it burns

_Even though it hurts_  
 _Even though it scars_  
 _Love me when it storms_  
 _Love me when I fall_  
 _Every time it breaks_  
 _Every time its torn_  
 _Love me like I'm not made of stone_  
 _Love me like I'm not made of stone_

 _Lykke Li_

The sound of rain splattering against the window was the first thing she registered as she woke slowly. She was disorientated to begin with, staring up at the ceiling. It was dark, and the clock read 3 am.

Gradually the previous day ebbed back and Rey winced as she felt her cheek ache. She remembered Unkar Plutt and the house with the red door. She remembered the feeling of her hand hitting slack skin, again and again, even when he was no longer fighting back.

She remembered Jack.

She felt her gorge rise at the throat, and threw herself out the bed, and staggered toward the bathroom, realising she was still drunk and off balance as she gripped the toilet and waves of sickness passed over her. Gradually it passed, not by much, but enough to sway back in the direction of the bed. She stopped as she entered the room, seeing a dark silhouette in the doorway.

"Rey?" Ben's voice was gentle but alert, and she had the impression he hadn't been sleeping. At sound of his voice, a large sob erupted from her chest, unexpected and painful. He took a step toward her, moving into light from the window, the subdued moon shining on him, and she felt the first tear fall. She had been so frozen inside, so removed, and now, she felt that paralysis thawing and it hurt. She dashed away the hated wetness, not ready to let herself cry, because if she started, she was afraid she wouldn't be able to function.

Bens stopped in front of her, and she felt as though her body had forgotten how to move, how to breath, under the weight of emotion, pressing down to be let out, demanding release.

"Rey, are you alright?" he asked, as she stood, turned in on herself. She felt him pull her against his chest, and it was warm and solid. She held onto his sides, something to anchor her against the buffeting emotions, howling around the room at hurricane speeds, like they stood at the eye of the storm, and Ben's body kept the winds from her.

A tremor of fear shot through her. She didn't want to feel like this. She wasn't ready. She couldn't face it. Why had she come here? What was going to happen to Jack? She couldn't stop thinking about how soon she might be alone again, and felt crushing guilt at her selfishness. She hated herself and her weak reaction and every time she closed her eyes, she saw the pipe arc a fine trail of blood flying from the end, and the sound it made on Plutt's skin.

Before she knew what she was really doing, she ran her hands up to Ben's face and pressed her own, miserably frozen, against his, her lips attempting to kiss through that strange paralysis, to let the heat of his skin burn away her numbness. He stilled under the movement, and then leaned away.

"Rey-" he started, and the last thing she wanted was to hear him talk and ruin everything. She had to get out of her own thoughts and this seemed like the most immediate way. She rationalised that she was using Ben as a distraction, because she wasn't brave enough to deal with her emotions, while her heart just looked on with pity. Her heart whispered that maybe she needed his affection, the proof of his feelings for her, to be brave enough to face herself. Maybe she needed him to remind her that she was someone worth loving.

"Shhh" she breathed and touched his lips with her finger. She ran her hands down his chest, feeling her tears subside as she put all her focus on touching Ben. Her fingers reached the hem of his t-shirt and she quickly tugged it up, attempting to pull it over his head.

"Rey, what are you doing?" he murmured, stepping backwards, his t-shirt caught up his stomach, she'd been unable to removed it any further without his help. She ran her hands down the taut planes of his abdomen, fingers following the smooth curves of hard muscle. She lowered them to his belt, pulling at the metal buckle. He caught her hands suddenly, and held them tight, leaning down a little to see into her eyes. His expression was far too full of feeling and emotion, and her resolve to hold back her tears cracked a little, moisture gathering behind her eyes

"Jack. Jack has cancer." She finally whispered, a murmured confession and a weight shifting in her soul. Ben watched her a moment longer, his eyes filling with pity, and it struck Rey that someone who thought himself so incapable of love shouldn't be able to look at another human being with so much feeling.

"I'm sorry. He's a good man" Ben said, his quiet words full of implication, that far worse men get nothing in return and it's not fair.

"Has he just found out?" he asked after a moment, in which Rey watched numbly as he used the hem of his t-shirt to gently wipe her stinging eyes.

"No. He's known for over a year" Rey said, feeling that darkness from before threaten to overcome her as she delved into the memory of what Jack had said.

"Treatment?"

"He already started. He didn't want to tell me, until he had news…"

"Why is he telling you now?" Ben asked, cutting straight to the heart of Rey's fear.

"I don't know. He didn't say" she said.

"I didn't ask the right questions, I didn't – say the right things" she said, looking up at Ben in the shadows and moonlight.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm afraid and so… angry" she murmured, again, confessing the doubts of her soul to the one person she knew wouldn't judge her.

"You need to feel Rey, that's who you are" he said, brushing her hair off her forehead. She stared at him, hungry suddenly. She wanted him to distract her and blot out the pain in her chest, as heavy as an axe, shattering everything in it's wake.

"Make me feel something else." She said, suddenly pushing her hands up his shoulders and into his hair. He stiffened against her, but the hot feeling of his skin chasing away the chill in her bones felt too good to stop.

"Rey-" she shushed him with her lips, and pressed her body harder against his. She was spiralling, a calm voice warned her deep in her mind, but right now, she couldn't stand to be inside her own head, and she was looking for an escape.

"Please. I can't stand it" She admitted, trying to pull his face back to hers. His lips evaded hers, though she pressed small kisses to the corners of his lips, and sighed against his skin,

"Please, Ben… help me."

His arms came up around her, and she was crushed into his chest, hard enough to forget how to breath for a moment, as his face burrowed into the crook of her neck, inhaling deeply.

"Rey" his voice was rattled as she reached around her back and attempted to undo her bra clasp, deciding that maybe that would speed him along a little.

She felt his fingers close over hers, and jerked her head up.

"Rey. You're upset. You need to eat and sleep" he said, and she felt embarrassment followed by shame wash through her. She shook her head vehemently.

"No, I don't. Don't tell me what to do… just… help me" she said, turning her attention back to her bra clasp. She backed away from him, and returned her hands to her bra, practically ripping at the back. She drew the straps down her arms and tossed it aside, stepping back toward him as she did. She reached back up to his face, pressing her chest into his, and was rewarded with seeing Ben close his eyes a second, as if in pain. She grabbed one of his hands and placed it boldly on her breast.

The shock of the contact sent a heat burning through the broken, numb wasteland inside her chest. It felt so good just to focus on that feeling, and forget everything else. Ben had gone so still, she looked up to find him watching her with a reverent sadness that she thought she might never be able to forget.

"Stop. Don't look at me like that… just… get on with it… do what you want to do" she ordered, the words sounding broken and disjointed even to ears.

"Bind me, torture me, whatever it is that turns you on, I give you permission – do all of it, give me your worst. Hurt me Ben – I want you to" She said.

He frowned at her words, seeming to recoil from her as though she'd struck him, as he gently pulled his hand away from her breast and it fell to his side.

"I'd never want to hurt you"

"Isn't that exactly what you want with your arrangement? You hurt me, and I let you"

"That's what you thought I wanted?" he asked, his words hollow in her ears.

"You really do think I'm a monster" he said quietly, a bleak expression blossoming on his face.

"What do you care if I do? What does it matter? Just do something! Do something to take away all this… feeling" she cried, tearing at her chest a second.

"No Rey, I can't. I won't." he said quietly, and she felt anger surge, born from the fire of her grief, sharp and hot.

"Great, The cold and vicious Kylo Ren choses now to develop a conscious, how terribly convenient." She said, crossing her arms over her bare chest. Her anger and shame, confusion and sadness a living thing now in the cavity where her heart used to be. And then another thought bloomed, and it cut her to the quick.

"Or maybe, you really never wanted me after all. This makes two times Ben, two times I've offered you everything I had, and you've not wanted it" she said, hating her voice and her thoughts but unable to stop them pouring out. All insecurities she'd harboured over the years spilling out.

"You are so wrong. You have no idea-" he drifted off, and shoved one of his hands through his hair, leaving it in disarray.

"Then show me!" she shouted at him, her throat hoarse from the day before. She couldn't stop the violent urge she had to shove his chest, and she did, pushing him backwards.

"I am. I am showing you. I'm doing it right now!" he shouted back, stepping closer to her and grabbing her upper arms, and she relished the bite of his strong hands pressing into the muscles there.

"No, you're not. You're making my decisions for me, again. I hate you!" she swore hatefully, feeling the bubbles of emotion she had been trying to avoid start to simmer in her chest. She pushed him again, and he swayed backwards.

"You are not yourself, and you would regret it." He ground out, trying to hold her still as she thrashed around in his arms.

"Stop pretending that you care. I hate you, I hate you!" she cried, her voice breaking, landing a hard thump on his chest, and then another, feeling the first hot tears streak down her cheeks, afraid that now they had started, they'd never stop.

"You're pushing me away, when I need you most. You're leaving me alone, everybody leaves me" she accused, as new tears started to drip down her face. She didn't know if she was speaking to Ben anymore, as Jack as well, or even the ghost of her mother, freshly rendered from her visit to the past earlier.

"No, I'm not. I'm not going anywhere" Ben growled, and then, seeing her face, the wild look under the tears, as she made to turn, grabbing her against his chest, and pulling her back against it, crushing her to him.

"And neither are you" he said in her ear. She swore at him and kicked, she tried to break his strong embrace. She raked her nails down the parts of his arm she could reach, and all the while, the pressure in her chest was rising, and rising.

She spat ugly words at him, and called him names. She cursed him and mocked him, and still, he held on, silently. She stamped his feet and tried every move she knew to throw him off, even managing an elbow to the gut, but he merely grunted and held on.

She felt when her strength, the spikey manic feeling that had been burning in her veins all day started to ebb away, spent. She had exhausted herself fighting him, and herself.

And after that strength failed, the tears came.

She cried and cried. She cried until her cheeks cracked with salt and snot had run down her chin, spittle collecting on the corners of her mouth, frozen in a snarl of fear and sadness. She fell slowly down, still cradled in Ben's arms, ending up sitting between his legs as he lent against the bed, his chest against her back, his strong arms no longer restraining, falling to the sides a little, and she missed the warmth of them immediately. She picked one up by the wrist and wrapped it around her, hiding her face in his forearm.

"Hold me" she had barely finished saying when the other arm came back around her, held her firmly, stroked her hair. She cried until all that was left inside was a dull ache and an emptiness of profound weariness. She felt her head falling forward, as though drugged, such was the tiredness.

Ben was moving her then, standing and picking her up, holding her against his chest. He put on her down on the bed, drawing the covers over her. She felt him wiping her face for the second time that night, the salt wicked away, and a feeling of fresh, cleanliness in its wake. She couldn't seem to find the energy to open her eyes.

"Go to sleep kid, I'll be here when you wake up" he murmured in Ben's voice, so softly she might have imagined it and the last thing she felt was the soft caress of his hand on her hair, and then, she was gone.

* * *

He watched her sleep. He couldn't seem to help himself. He told himself he didn't want her to wake up and be alone, but it seemed like only half the reason. He watched the covers rise and fall with her even, deep breathing, watched the moonlight work its way across the fan of her hair on the pillow. He relished the opportunity to stare at her face, to commit her adult features to memory.

He mused on what a dramatic departure his day had taken, from what he had expected, what he had come to expect since he'd last seen her.

He was dealing with the fall out of challenging Snoke on the drug trials. In the end, he had declined to sign off on them. Snoke called it a childish display of independence and allowed that perhaps Kylo might feel the need to assert some of his natural dominance in their relationship from time to time. After that conversation, he had had to go to his training room and slash through the practise dummy, until his stomach stopped heaving and his hands stopped shaking.

He had expected to come home to the quiet, empty dark, the same one that lived inside him. He would eat something, alone, and then go to bed alone, and he would try not to think about her. Sometimes, when it proved particularly hard, he would sleep in the bed she had once, in the spare room, or just wander the halls, looking down at the night world below, knowing she was out there somewhere, a bright encompassing light, drawing him to her, only to burn him alive in her fire. Sometimes he would meditate, something he had tried to do over the years, to further his martial arts practice, but, as always, found it difficult to escape the voices in his head.

Rey moved in her sleep and his hand was already moving back toward her shoulder. He rested it lightly on her, and his touch calmed her.

Instead, he'd seen a light on, and had hardly dared to breath, moving toward its source. There was only one person who'd known the code to the house, the very person he had never changed it because of. And there she was, terrible and beautiful, sprayed with blood and violence, her face so open and full of feeling he could hardly stand it.

Rey had darkness, he'd always known it, felt it's twin answer in his soul, and yet she was never consumed by it. Her light kept it at bay, she wasn't afraid of it. Tonight she had faced the poisonous feelings inside her and exorcised them. She had faced her demons and now slept the slumber of a righteous warrior, returned from the battlefield victorious.

What had happened with the man, in her childhood home, she wouldn't forget. Whether she could forgive herself or not, whether he deserved it or not, Rey wouldn't forget her part and her actions. For himself, he would have happily let the man die, or even helped him to do so, but it wasn't his choice to make. It was Rey's and he knew that she would take it on her soul, and he wouldn't let his darkness taint her.

And then after, in that moon-kissed half light, she had pressed herself into his arms, her whispered words and pleas, the feel of her skin under his, the gentle curve of her breast in his hand. The worst part of him had raged to take what she was so foolishly offering and plunder and gorge until sated. It sounded like his teacher, whose voice was starting to sound more and more distinctive, after so long being unable to tell it apart from his own.

He stared down at her, his heart full of questions. Did she still need him, as he did her? Did turning him away rend her soul in two, is it had his, 6 long years ago? Had she felt whole since? And the question that scared him the most. Could she accept the man he was now? The man who wore a monster's mask, to hide his past from himself? The boy who knew he was too broken and sullied to ever be worthy of her. Could he come back from that place he'd carved himself? He had no idea. For himself, it seemed too daunting and exhausting a task, Rey was right, it was much easier to let himself drift away into that warm dark, and let everyone he had ever hurt forget him.

The night wore on, turning gradually into a grey morning, and Rey slept on, her nightmares kept at bay by the silent guardian by her side.

.

.

.

.

.

.

When she awoke, it was to her stomach rumbling hungrily. She pulled the covers back, and saw they had somehow been changed to white ones, clean and crisp. The clock read 11 am. She stood carefully, feeling hunger grip her stomach and a powerful headache set in. There was a glass of water on the bedside table, and she drank it gratefully. She looked around the room in the grey light of the rainy day outside, filtering its dim light over the clean and bare surfaces.

There were clothes laid out on a chair, and she pulled them on gingerly, deciding they must be for her, given they were the only things out of place in the room. Long, fine knit charcoal jogging bottoms and a hoodie. She rolled the waistband of the soft joggers and pushed the long sleeves of the hoodie up to her elbows, zipping it to the neck.

She visited the bathroom, and looked at herself in the mirror. Her cheek and jaw were a patchwork of purples and blues, with her spilt lip the finishing touch. Her hands were a mess, but it was mostly hidden under Ben's careful wrapping. She pulled her hair out of the neck of the hoodie and twisted into a knot on her head, and took a deep breath, steadying herself.

Finally, barefoot, she padded out, through the bedroom and peeked around the doorway of the bedroom, into the kitchen.

She saw him immediately, his back was turned, a grey shirt stretched across his broad shoulders, tapering down to his waist and his long longs in joggers that matched her own, but black. He was cutting something, which he turned and threw into a sizzling pan. The smell of onion and mushrooms wafted to her, and her stomach cramped again.

As though he had sensed her, he turned to catch her lingering in the doorway.

"Morning" he said lightly, a hint of a smile brushing his lips. His hair was mussed around his face, and she imagined that in a different world, where Ben had never run from her, or maybe even one where she was brave enough to enter into his agreement, that she would pull on the unruly curls and tug him down to kiss him good morning.

Instead she shifted her eyes away from his to her most pressing concern. Food. The table was set for one, and it was fairly groaning with dishes. She stepped forward hesitantly.

"Please, sit, it's for you"

"All of it?" She said, raising an eyebrow at him. She could see fruit, peeled and sliced, crispy bacon and pancakes, as well as flaky chocolate pastries. If she'd been hungry before it was nothing compared to now. She closed the space quickly between the doorway and the table, pulling out a chair and sitting on it, crossing her legs on the narrow space and looking over the offerings.

"You've been busy" she remarked, taking a sip of juice to start with.

"Well, you're my guest" he said, turning back to the cooker. She ate a piece of bacon and found the salty crispness fill up some space in her cavernous stomach. She took a few pancakes, and some more bacon, telling herself she'd show restraint, and started to eat. Concentrating on the food, she didn't even hear him approach, until he put a plate down with a steaming omelette beside her.

"Protein will help" he said simply, dropping into a chair across from her, and she realised the pancakes and bacon were already gone. She moved onto the omelette, gesturing to him with her fork.

"You are going to eat too, right?"

"I already ate earlier" he explained, taking a sip of a black cup of coffee. She nodded absently, chewing a tender piece of mushroom.

"Good omelette" she remarked, and he looked ridiculously pleased for a moment.

"I didn't expect you to be able to cook, I thought you'd have a housekeeper or chef or something" she said as she ate the last of the eggs, and sat back, taking a long drink of juice.

"I'm not really a fan of having people in my space" he said, and she was struck by how the soft light from the window behind him was bringing out mahogany hints in his hair. What he had said suddenly registered. She picked up her coffee, and finally ventured a sip, waiting to see how it sat in her delicate stomach.

"Are you taking about me?" she asked curiously. He let out a laugh at her directness.

"Do you think I'm talking about you?" he asked in return, and she thought she could get used to the hint of humour she could see in his eyes.

She shook her head decisively, and it brought a genuine smile to his lips, and Rey froze for a long moment, utterly captivated by it. Unbidden, she raised her fingers to frame her eyes and clicked the imaginary shutter.

"The great and terrible Kylo Ren smiles. Never seen before" she whispered. Her words seemed to freeze him in place and then his smile shifted, into something wistful and sad. She held that gaze as long as she could, while the memories of the previous night crowded back. His hands on her skin, his lips on hers, as unwilling as they'd been. The thought made her look toward the table, and broke the moment.

She was full, she hated to admit it. She eyed the pastries, and they looked sinfully good, probably form some expensive French place. She hated to waste the opportunity to have one.

"You know, if you would reconsider my proposal, I could make you breakfast every morning." He said, and she looked up at him surprised. He watched her reaction raptly, and as she failed to respond, he sat forward, no doubt hoping to press his advantage.

"I understand I didn't approach this right last time, I didn't explain enough, I didn't offer you enough" he was saying as Rey struggled to contain the nerves that were springing up in the wake of his words.

"Ben-" she started.

"No, don't. Just hear me out" he said. She shifted back on the chair, crossing her arms, and feeling that headache coming back, a thousand times stronger.

"It's not what you think, submitting to me. I would never hurt you, I would take care of you, like I did last night. You would be the one, in control. I could only do to you, what you allowed."

"And what would you get out of that?" she asked, genuinely confused by his urgent words.

"I would get to have you." She frowned at him, his honest expression showing her how very much he wanted that.

"Go on" she said, trying to imagine what he was proposing. He took a deep breath, and seemed to gather his thoughts.

"I don't want you to be unhappy, or feel afraid of losing Jack. I would like you to allow me to pay for his medical treatment. The best money and my influence can buy. The best doctors, tests and treatment available" he said, and she stared open mouthed at him.

"And in return?" she said, when she'd recovered her voice. He swallowed hard.

"We will move Jack into your place in Brooklyn, or a new place in the city, if you wish, so he isn't travelling for medical care and you will move in here, with me"

She stared at him. A pink tinge crept into this pale, sculpted cheeks, and he dropped her gaze, starting to gather up the empty plates in front of them.

"And?"

"And – be mine. Submit to me, agree to try at least" he muttered. Her headache pulsed in her temples.

She pushed away from the table and went into the kitchen, feeling embarrassment and something else, something hot and slippery, creeping through her stomach. She pulled open a cupboard, and then another, before turning to him in frustration.

"Pain killers?" she asked. He rose, and approached, reaching to a cupboard over her head and opening it, taking out a box of paracetamol. Rey tried to focus on practicalities, as apparently, they really were having this conversation.

"Submit to you sexually?" she asked suddenly, looking up at him, as he stood over her, and the question stilled Ben's hands, as he lowered the box to the counter behind her.

"Yes, sexually, but not only sexually" he said quietly, his eyes moving over her face, between her lips and her eyes.

"In all things. Let me choose the best things for you, give me that power over you. Agree to surrender yourself into my hands" he murmured.

"Why? Why do you need that? Can't we just be ourselves?" she asked, watching as his hand rose to her cheek, where it lightly stroked the skin there, before dropping to the zip of her hoodie, where he then trailed his fingers down the front as though opening it to the air, lighting fires in his wake.

"That _is_ me Rey, it's the only way I know"

"Let's learn a new way, together" she said, and her words brought a look of pure dejection and misery to his features, even while Rey surprised herself at the question. When had Ben become someone she could trust enough to consider being with again? She had no idea, it had crept up, and then solidified last night.

"I can't, I just can't, not yet, this, this is all I'm allowed" he said it quietly, like a whispered prayer.

"Allowed by who?" she asked, his sadness pressing down on her. His weary eyes couldn't meet her gaze anymore, and he dropped his hands from her shoulders, and his forehead to meet the top of her head at the same time.

"Please" he said into her hair, as she raised her hands to cup his face.

"I'm sorry Ben, I can't, and you know that. It's just… not me. I'd fight you at every turn"

"I don't care."

"I do. I don't want to fight with you anymore. I'd just resent you, and start to hate you –"

"Not if you'd trust me, if you trusted me enough, you'd be happy. You'd let me take care of you"

"Why would you want to do that?" she asked, a little exasperated.

"You can't understand, it's just something I need. Someone like you couldn't never understand, what it means to be… broken, and have no strength to fight it. You can't understand being too tired to fight, it comes so naturally to you" He said roughly, and the bleak expression on his face broke her heart a little.

"You're right, I don't understand it. I never understood why you're so determined to believe you are broken, I never have. If you want to not be broken, then stop being broken" she said. She stared at him, willed him to see himself as she saw him.

"Forget the past, let it die, isn't that what you told me" she held him gaze communicating all her emotion, all her belief in him, all her hope for him. He flinched under that gaze, and she felt him pulling away.

"Somethings can't be forgotten" he said, his face closing in the wake of the words, and just like that, the moment passed, even as Rey fought the urge to beg to know what things he spoke off. She knew he wouldn't tell her, perhaps couldn't even.

"This is all I can offer, all I am. It's either enough for you or it isn't" he said, stiffly, averting his eyes as she pressed her hand to his heart for a moment, but felt his distance, and with reluctance, pulled her hand away and slipped out from him, grabbing the box of painkillers, and popping two out, quickly swallowing them with juice from her glass.

"I care about you Ben, but I can't willing enter into a relationship that I don't understand for reasons you won't tell me. I can't be bought either. Jack's already in treatment, and it's the same treatment he'd be getting if I hadn't met you again. I have to believe it's good enough." she said.

"My soul is not for sale, not even to you" she said finally,

She turned away, feeling disappointment fall heavily on her shoulders. She went to the bedroom, and slipped on her shoes, finding her keys and wallet beside the bed. Her clothes were nowhere to be seen, probably in the wash. She didn't care. She didn't want to see them again.

She walked back through to the kitchen and caught sight of him standing like a stone where she'd left him, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

"I'm keeping these" she called, hoping to make him turn, but there was no response. She went to the door, and pulled it open, looking back to see he had turned away from her, and was now looking at the rain leaving long trails down the windows outside. His shoulders were tense, his arms banded with restrained strength, and she wondered what part of his apartment would bear his wrath once she'd left.

"Thank you for last night. Thank you for... everything." She called softly, the only response a flexing of his hands at his sides.

"Take care of yourself, Solo. Please. For me." She muttered at last, and stepped out into the quiet hall. She took a step toward the lifts, and then another one, each one hurting more than the last. She had been true to herself, she reminded herself as she descended, her heart still locked in the quiet, bare space floors above her, with the man who still felt too much, and nothing at all. She wondered why it felt like she was making a mistake.


	22. I'm alive

Hello!

I'm so sorry I've not been updating on this site, I've been horribly disorganised and anyway, there's no excuse.

If you would like to read the rest, there is a fair bit posted on AO3, which JCarrot has posted the link to in the reviews, but my writing name is the same either way, as is the story name.

Sorry again, and I hope to hear from you over there.

Immortalpen xxx


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